Murder at the Horny Toad Bar - Chapter 6

The tip of the Death Dart was but a few inches from my throat when, suddenly, a tall Caucasian leapt from the doorway, and flung himself right in front of me. With the speed of lightning, he thrust out his hand and the dart lodged deeply into his palm. An inch from my throat.

Blood began dripping down his fingers. He pulled out the dart, snapped it in two, and threw it to the floor. Then he unhurriedly licked up the blood on his palm. I knew I had seen him before. Then it hit me: He was the man who'd been following me since this case began! The shadowy figure!

I could tell he was packing a gun. In fact he was concealing several. I could detect a belt holster, an inside-the-pants holster at his crotch, a shoulder holster, an ankle holster and a small-of-the-back holster. At least I hoped it was an inside-the-pants holster, otherwise he was a little too happy to see me. His belt was lined with several speedloader pouches, a Rambo knife, a Roy Rogers secret decoder ring and a beer bottle opener.

"You're the shadowy figure who's been following me," I said. "Who the hell are you?"

He gave me what I can only describe as a killing smile. "I'm Wincent Casino. A private detective. From da Bronx. My friends call me Winny the Detective."

"You can be Winny the Fucking Pooh for all I give a shit," I said, "what the hell you doin' here?"

"I'm takin' over this case."

"On whose authority?"

"I'm a private detective and I been on this case since I first learned of the murder."

"A private dick from the Bronx has authority to solve cases in Thailand?"

"TIT - This is Thailand," he said. "You got a problem with that?"

I thought about how the Thai police always make the perpetrator reenact the crime. And how it might actually be dangerous to be around Lek when she shot yet another dart during the re-enactment. After all, she was goin' down for Murder One and she had nothing to lose if she took me out as well. That's when I remembered the wisdom of my old granddad. Just before they hanged him, he turned to me and said, 'Boy, always beware of whores with sores and tarts with darts.' I realized I had nothing to gain from personally bringing these debauched dancers with vindictive vaginas downtown to the Big House. If this shamus with a killing smile wanted to claim credit for solving the Case of the Honeypot Projectiles, what the hell.

"All right," I said, "it's your case; take 'em away."

Winny pointed to the door. "All right, girls, let's go. No sudden moves."

The three girls headed out the door followed by Winny. I called out to him. "Hey, Winny."

He turned and looked at me.

"Thanks for saving my life."

"Don't mention it," he said. "This is nothing compared to my cases in da Bronx."

As he stepped into the next room, out of my line of vision, I heard the girls' voices. "Oh, Winny, you so stlong!" "Winny, this your gun?"

"Winny, you so BIIIGGG!"

And I heard Winny's voice: "Hey! Knock it off! Stop that! Oh! Oh! Oooohhhhhh!"

And I figured there was no way those girls would end up behind bars. But whatever their fate, I knew the Horny Toad was finished. I looked about the room that had served generations of horny men so well, and then walked over to Good Pork Betty and placed my hand on her shoulder. I crossed my fingers behind my back. "You'll find another job," I said. "A woman with your skills can get hired anywhere."

She looked up at me with mournful eyes. "I think you know before who kill Brothel Billy. How you know, Harry?"

"I wasn't sure, Good Pork. But I worked a similar case down in Manila. You remember Virgin Valdez?"

Her eyes widened. Sure, she remembered Virgin Valdez, all right. They had been hot competitors for the affections of Whore House Charlie at one time. "I remember."

"Well, she killed a man at the Spider's Web Bar in Manila the same way. I figured this might be a similar case of a catapulting cunt."

"She dead now?"

"No, Good Pork, but don't worry, she'll be behind bars for a long time to come."

Well, strictly speaking that was true. Nobody in Manila would let her work inside bars anymore, so now she performed her special services behind them. I figured it wouldn't hurt to let Good Pork think her old adversary was in prison.

I went to the window and looked out at the stagnant klong. The stench hit me in the nostrils like a physical blow. I always wondered why they called this city "The Big Mango." It should be something like, "The Big Rambutan" or "The Big Jackfruit" or "The Big Durian." Yeah, that was it: The Big Durian. It stinks to high heaven, but some love it, some hate it. Just like the fruit. Me I love it. And the more rotten it is, the more I feel at home: HuMAN NatURE.

I suddenly felt more weary than ever. I had solved the Case of the Blow-dart Beavers but that wouldn't bring Brothel Billy back to life. Whore House Charlie had disappeared decades ago, and now Brothel Billy was dead. I felt sad. As if a part of me was missing. And that reminded me of my missing ATM card. I'd have to find Dang and then it would be time to hit Soi Cowboy again. Or, better yet, the Darling Massage parlor. Maybe two for one in a sandwich with lots of slide-and-glide. And if you don't know what slide-and-glide is, fuck you, because I'm not gonna explain every goddamn thing.

Dean Barrett
Copyright 2000
http://www.deanbarrettthailand.com

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If you enjoyed this chapter of Dean's 'Murder at the Horny Toad Bar' you can easily purchase this novel and others by Dean at Amazon.com: http://astore.amazon.com/thailandstori-20/detail/0966189981/105-7824964-4534011

Here's a link to Thai Oasis where they have a great review of author Dean Barrett and his many books: http://www.thaioasis.com/literature/bkkbangkokfiction_barrett.php