Siam Smiles/s - by Hugh Watson - Chapter 1

Chapter 1: The 7-11 CSAS (ASS)

Lots of people would suppose the 7-ll to be a standard convenience store wherever they happen to go: Ashgabat, Tashkent, or Hohhot. Not exactly. In BKK, for example, there are a few nuances for those addicted to 7-11s and who are newly arrived (and unaware), or in the throes of D & D.1

First is entering the Thai version of the 7-11 – the staff have been told and trained to greet all customers with Sawasdee, but after the first few weeks, the newness of the job and the greeting to customers grow tedious. Thereupon, a rather unconscious decision slips into the 7 11 clerk’s head to greet or not upon mood alone; if in a good frame of mind, it is a greeting, if not, a sullen and ominous silence. Some foreigners notice that they seldom if ever get the greeting (or the come back again in Thai when they pay) and watch over their shoulder to find that, by George, the 7 11 staff does usually greet the Thais with a cheerful Sawasdee (Good day) but not strangers (and sometimes loudly so as to emphasize that this customer gets a greeting but not you! This selection of silence or greeting underlines a kind of latent hostility).2

In a low mood-clerk day, foreigners are on low priority for that Sawasdee!

However, if one is in 7 11s long enough, one will see the silent treatment for locals as well, particularly the ‘street people.’ And, eventually one will notice the Thai customers give an almost unnoticeable flinch when they too receive the 7 11 silent treatment. They too are keenly aware of the decision to greet or not to greet (of course after a while the reaction becomes subliminal, and you look for unconscious body jerks among other people or find yourself doing it).

There is a small amount of power, of course, at issue here with the clerk deciding whom to greet and whom not to greet. It is a kind of minor ego-enhancing convenience store temptation and probably improves the lives of those on low salary, low esteem, and meager self-confidence. I can recognize you and be polite or ignore you and just stare at the toilet paper- these are the CSAS (ASS) symptoms.

The second interesting aspect of BKK 7 11 life is the security guard: these fellows are usually dark, in smart green uniforms and from Ubon, Udon, Pechabun, Buriram, or Surin provinces (upcountry). If they are new on the job, the will follow you around like a character out of a Pink Panther movie –an improvised Inspector Clouseau (Peter Sellers) looking over your shoulder and creeping around at a tilt, body partially inclined forward with eyes in a scrutinizing squint. After a few weeks - at the same time the new clerk is getting tired of being nice- the guard will realize foreigners don’t steal and will focus on tracking the local light-fingered customers. He will eventually target the ubiquitous street people who jam the sidewalk (with a kind of squatters’ rights) outside the 7 11 selling fried spring rolls and dok mali flower garlands (you can spot them by their haggard street look and money change belts).

The best part of the BKK 7 11 is a special spot about dead center in the store…maybe three aisles over1 where the aircon comes straight down. On a hot polluted day, one of the best things to do other than rushing to a hospital and getting attached to an oxygen tent, is to find the aircon center in a 7 11, relax and take in the cool clean air until refreshed and oxygenated. Taking in his ecstatic moment, you can get away with a near mystical stance, arms outstretched, beatific facial expression, eyes glazed over or closed in rapture because the other customers are heat-dazed and the locals are pretending you are not there – in their reality the way to deal with strange beings is to avoid them and nicely mentally erase them… the fellow with outstretched arms in the middle of aisle 3 near soap does not exist.

Thais perfected the mental-erase (ME) long ago waiting in traffic jams and in long queues; it is also inspired by Theravadan voidness.

A final caveat for BKK 7 11 is the trainees working their way up to Sawasdee level greeter (or not) and cashier, will in the meantime constantly mop the dull orange tile floors. The wet line goes from the checkout area directly back to the Big Gulp pump. Now, you never catch anyone spilling anything but the floors are almost always wet and getting fresh dirty foot prints; these floors now post-mopped are a bit disgusting and increasingly slippery. There is no telling what the 7 11 crew will do if you suddenly slip, bang your head, and black out. Chances are they will drag you back across the slick tile floor and stick you in the rear cool storage room on a case of Singha beer in the beverage area figuring the cold air will bring you around. If this should be the case, and you come to in a strange dark place, don’t shout but regain composure and your decorum. The clerks will tell you (as will the little lady on the corner who is a fortune teller) that this is actually your lucky day…you had your accident in the nice cool 7 11 and you didn’t fall down a manhole into an open sewer which was most likely another possibility for your day’s fate.

If you are a tourist, it’s not a bad idea to have a card from your hotel or guesthouse in your shirt/blouse pocket so that, perhaps, the astute 7 11 security guard might drag you out to a taximeter cab and send you on your way home comatose and onto the next phase of your ‘lucky day.’ Long-term folk should care necessary instructions for emergency in wallet or purse.

Not all is gloom and doom in the 7 11: there are a few benefits:

There are extra things that the Thai 7 11 gives you that you’ll probably never find in the Wild West US: if you get a yogurt or ice cream, anything that could be eaten right there, they give you a special cellophane wrapped plastic spoon. And you get one for each item as though you had a hungry bunch of pals waiting outside and you would soon hunker down on the curb and pig out. And if you have anything in the liquid category you get a special plastic straw.1 Sometimes if you get a variety of bottled beverages and the 7 11 clerk goes ping ping and hence smitten, you might get a fist full of straws like a commercial fasces romana all of which points to a token of their momentary affection/lust for you.

Another sign of budding romance is if the clerk smiles enticingly at you and offers some of the near prophylactics:

“I’ll bet you can use some of these,” he/she says with a leer (this example is from an encounter with a young Thai woman and a lady 7 11 cashier).

And in the Kao San area if the you buy a bottle of beer, say a liter of Singha, the clerk will expertly eye you and then snap off the top knowing you are one of those street roaming Hyperborean wild Vikings and will swig your way along. In which case unless you have your body tattooed with Runes, it might be interesting to say:

“Say, I’m not drinking this now. I want another bottle with the top on.”

But if the clerk is astute as they generally are, and has tuned in with 7 11 ESP and hence para-semiotic2 abilities and knows you don’t have a bottle opener and need someone to open that bottle, you get special service you won’t get elsewhere.

The odd thing about these 7 11s is so few people ever use the little red and blue plastic shopping baskets that the staff will store their inventory charts in them. Once you get the clerk to retrieve the official clipboard, you then need a crowbar to pry open the plastic containers where a hidden layer of Coke or spilled Big Gulp has solidified to the point it is nearly like elephant super glue cementing the baskets.

Some 7 11s will walk on the wild side and sell the Thai version of Penthouse or a contraband Playboy. Of course reading a mag is not very interesting when there is a plethora of live sex places never far away. The price of one mag is probably close to two bar fines. (Of course reading material could qualify as ‘safe sex’)

A final observation on the 7 11 is the lack on feasibility studies and/or common sense. There seems to be an audacious attempt to prove Piaget wrong that people begin to develop logic and sequence after age 11. You will find 7 11s directly across the street from each other vying for the same customers. Where is the thinking in this franchise strategy? Of course, what I do and I suspect Thais do as well is pick the most polite store to deal with. This means that if 7 11 A has a snooty clerk who never greets anyone or you or who never asks you the perfunctory perm alai kaaa (anything else?) - or even the churn cap ma tah mi ogat (please come back again), then you go straight across the street and test out the rival, 7 11 B. So the store with the lowest CSAS (ASS) employees should technically have the highest sales.

Note: the reader is not advised to inquire at the next 7 11 venture if the clerks are having an ASS day (although asking about arom sia lu bow might be germane if you are thus inspired)

(Not suggested)

“Excuse me, Miss.”

Looks up.

“Are you perhaps suffering from ASS?”

“Alai wah?” (Rude form of ‘what?’)

(Semi suggested)

 “Excuse me, Miss.”

Looks up.

“Arom sia lu bow?”

“Alai wah?”

[As you probably get the same response either way, maybe go Zen; be like locals and start the ME this store doesn’t exist…neither does the clerk…]

(End of Chapter 1.)

Hugh Watson

© Hugh Watson. All rights reserved by the author.

ISBN: 974-93030-8-3

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