A Good Girl

Recently, I have been internally wrestling with the criticism that I spend too much (all) of my time dating (fxxxing) girls off of the boardwalk in Pattaya.

Note: in fairness to myself, it is not always about fxxxing. Sometimes I just like to take them over to the A.A.Hotel on Soi 13/0 and roll around on them like a dog in filth. I mean, people sometimes treat me like I'm some kind of one dimensional monger: that is so not true.

Anyway, apparently doing something that makes me happy and that makes other people happy is wrong. I should be doing things that other people think that I should be doing. Who knows? Maybe they are right? I am open to new ideas. Anyway, the criticism is many layered but basically rotor blades all over the idea that skanks, cruisers, whores, thieves, trannies, prostitutes, liars, ex-cons, malarial slouchers, chronic Hep B carriers, sluts, and the ever popular head twitchers with hanging booger do not represent the whole Kingdom or the best use of my valuable classy time, and I should meet and spend time with some nice girls. Not necessarily the distant pinwheeling galaxies of Hi-So women driving around in smoked window Benzes but at least some good girls.

Maybe a little more Thai female class, and style, and beauty, and femininity, and intelligence, and breeding, and education, and worldly conversation would be more in keeping with my alpha male paternalistic, colonialist, imperialist, Western civilization gifts. Of course, leaving the happy fertile fields and easy smiling pickings of the boardwalk in Pattaya to journey up to Bangkok would cut into my monthly skank numbers but I was persuaded that this was an investment. I am nothing if not modern.

So off to Chulalongkorn University (motto: What's A Motto?) in Bangkok where I spent some time sniffing motorbike seats. After careful selection, I waited. Then my future arrived: her name was Pencil Benz Yogurt. I just love the way these good Thai girls change their names to Western names to show their education and to show they are ready to dance on the world stage. Call me Falling In Love. At last, a nice girl. I couldn't wait to spend some adult, mature, interesting quality time with her and just talk. I asked her out on a date. She said:

"Closure is the level of existence where the large becomes indistinguishable from the small, both merging into the singularity of totality and I like to kiss bunnies."

I took that as a Yes and we met the next day at the Emporium cafeteria. The first thing she said was:

"The key to understanding the entire process is finding the mechanisms responsible for routing the compound nuclei and luminous energy produced by fusion to the nuclear disassociation that releases the hydrogen needed to perpetuate the fusion cycle and I would like to have some ice cream."

We ordered ice cream. Or I should say I ordered ice cream. I was a little spooked to ask her what kind she wanted so I ordered dishes of orange sherbet and chocolate.

I asked her how she liked her orange sherbet and she said:

"A photon's gravitational expansion is a continuous by-product of spatial geometry, and the release of its decay energy occurs through discrete emissions, so old photons spend a considerable amount of time in an expanded state, where their wavelength is not consistent with their energy as defined by the Planck relation."

Well ok, who hasn't heard that before? But to be fair you are not going to get this kind of fun from a boardwalk beauty in Pattaya. More likely you are going to hear something like:

"Boom boom suck suck?"

Anyway, I guess the orange sherbet was a hit. After eating we took a stroll. I admired the expensive cars in the lobby and made an 'admiring the cars in the lobby' comment. She responded:

"The general instability of matter and antimatter in close proximity necessitates the existence of containment units large enough so that their ratio of surface area to volume is consistent with either the background gamma flux or the material density of space or both."

and . . .

" . . . had I ever kissed a bunny?"

We had tickets to the tranny show in Washington Square. On the way we stopped at Benjasari Park and watched the ducks. I made some quaking sounds and Pencil said that reminded her of an interesting cosmological duck related part of the universe. To wit:

"Intergalactic redshift has some surprising ramifications that provide the basis for other global phenomena, including the material density of the universe, the CMB field, and dark matter and . . . the prawn leg you did not finish for lunch I stuck in my underpants."

I was not sure what she said or what she meant, but then I was not sure what the ducks were quacking and what they meant either. Thailand. The comment about the prawn leg in the underpants seemed a little too much information though. This whole 'dating good girls' part of my life in the Kingdom was going to be a trip to the learning curve. I could sense that. I'm smart about these things.

After the tranny show we were standing on the front steps of the theatre. It was a balmy night. The Japanese tour buses were filling up, you could smell dog urine, a leper was taking a dump, and there was broken glass everywhere. A night made for romance. I observed that my hotel was a short walk away and she said:

"The universe's differential velocity field is isotropic, and so therefore is the expansion it causes, increasing the size of a photon's spatial footprint along all three of its extents. And let us not forget Dana that no man has ever touched my breasts. Only my bunny is allowed there."

I asked her where she got some of her ideas and she said she had been reading The Undiscovered Universe by Terence Witt and that she really really liked bunnies.

The next day I went to the Activities desk in the lobby of the Nana Hotel and booked an 8:30 a.m. departure ticket through Bell Travel to Pattaya. I'll be checking back into the A.A.Hotel on Soi 13/0 around 12:30 p.m. Around 1:30 p.m. some Thai smiler will say to me:

"Boom boom suck suck?" Information I can process and a conversation that will make us both smile. Fxxx the bunnies. I'll be back home in Pattaya and I'll be back on the boardwalk. Lucky me.

© Dana. All rights reserved by the author.