Links
Our banners
Latest News
Newsletter archive
Interviews
Sileakhunt
Book Store

‘How do Farangs in Bangkok pick out winning bar fines?’ This question was received at the Margarita Station Helping Hand web site last week. For the general information of readers that address is MS69@ honeyko.cum. Being the Bangkok MS69 representative this was passed to me by the Margarita Station owner and general manager for a response. The problem is I don’t know how I pick winning bar fines. I have no system, no plan, no guarantee, sometimes it just happens.

What I can comment on though is a nearly full proof technique for picking a looser or even two at the same time. My close friend Ashton Manus or ‘Anus’ as we fondly refer to him, is a former British Para, who has perfected this technique. He is a short wanker who was appropriately nicknamed ‘Crap Hat’ in her Majesty’s Royal Military. Being a generous fellow and an avid Thai bar fine hound Anus coached me in this technique while I bought him drinks until I could demonstrate complete mastery.

Employing the ‘Crap Hat’ technique I start by drinking a quart of Mekong and Coke with several Singha beer chasers in a 2 to 3 hour period. Anus is usually with me when I’m engaged in doing this. This causes the both of us to become rich, handsome and charming. At about the half way mark in this process our combined listening and speaking skills in Thai inflate to almost taxi driver fluency. This is also the point when all of the Yings in the bar we can get our arms around have transformed themselves into exotic Thai love goddesses.

My success rate with this technique for locating, targeting and engaging winning bar fines is less than 1%. It would be higher, at least 2%, but I got hit by a stun nipple one night in Soi Zero. That tactical shopping error is going to take a lot of work to restore my bar fine credibility. The best I can say about this incident, which I call the ‘The Night of the Narco Nipple’ is that she didn’t clean out my wallet, harvest any internal organs or cut off any external organs. She just knocked me out, dried herself off, put her clothes on and went home.

The last thing I remember is standing in the shower with her and having a small brown breast with a stiff large dark chocolate colored nipple, about the size of my thumb, shoved in my face and me trying to wrap my mouth around it like a starving six month old baby. When I woke up I was floating naked in a bathtub of freezing water under an air conditioner in the Playboy Hotel.

So when asked to explain how resident Farangs in Bangkok pick out winning bar fines I decided to ask somebody that might actually know. According to Dr. Sermsuk Cumquicklee, the Director of the Department of Sexual Economics, Pat Pong University, there are no observable behavior patterns in this field of cross cultural intercourse. Her research findings, which are based on hundreds of post short time interviews with Farangs that have been out paying bar fines, suggests that much like horse racing or the stock market, it’s a gut feeling thing for most.

However, her research has discovered that a surprising number of resident Farangs have lately been utilizing a field expedient system they call ‘Bar Fine Bingo.’ Using this system, which is based on the number indicated on the colored disc Yings working in go-go bars and fishbowls are normally wearing, Farangs are able to make a quick bar fine ‘go-no go’ decision under combat conditions. That is to say sitting in a dark bar with heart pounding music blasting in their ears, smoke burning their eyes and waves of perfume filling their nose while holding a Singha beer in one hand and a near naked Do Da with stiff large dark chocolate colored nipples in the other who is rubbing her little hands all over their crotch. The numbers on the discs are added together in order to arrive at a sum of between 1 and 10. For example:

Miss Teaholer, number 31 in the Tilac Bar is a 4 (3+1= 4).
Miss Supertwatdee, Number 123 in the Hollywood is a 6 (1+2+3= 6).
Miss Pornvirus, number 66 in the Playskool is a 3. (6+6= 12 and 1+2= 3).

With this simple bar fine math formula any Farang to include Crap Hat Anus, no matter what their level of handsome and charm, can easily figure out where the smart and beautiful rice picker from the Isaan Heathen Triangle they are pouring ladies drinks into and who is begging them to ‘pay bar’ plots on a scale of 1 to 10. Then it’s a simple matter of applying three standards.

Any Ying with a number 1 should be the best. Absolutely the wildest sexual heathen experience in your life. Dark, sensual, erotic and probably a former Ms. Buriram. She will be unmatched for enthusiasm, endurance, creativity, and noise making. Pay the bar fine and send out e-mails and blogs about this one. Attach pictures as well.

Any Ying with a number from 2-9 is on the line. A doer (Do Her). You could do worse you could do better but you can do her. Pay the bar fine and don’t bore your friends and others with e-mails or blogs about this one. Please no pictures.

Any Ying with a number 10 is the worst. Absolutely your worst sexual experience since leaving the lands of round-eyed women. Do this one and you may give up Bangkok bar fines or move to Isaan if you don’t drown in a bath tub of cold water with a paralyzed tongue. Your e-mails and blogs about this Ying, if you survive, should begin and with the word WARNING.

Now if you’re following this closely you’ve figured out the major drawback in this system. Adding up a number like 37, Miss Num Nipple in Soi Zero, could result in a 10 (3+7) or if you a gambler and go one more step, a number 1 (1+0). For the pros in Bangkok this is the edge. This is what slant eyed sport fucking in Bangkok is all about and where the novice Farang shopper is separated from the real Sexpat.

So in response to the question – ‘How do experienced Farangs in Bangkok pick out their winning bar fines?’ – The answer is - 'we don’t know.' It’s a gut feeling thing. However, I advise everyone not to be sucking on any nipples, no matter how chocolate they look or how stiff they might be, if you don’t personally know them, especially if you’re using the ‘Crap Hat’ or a similar technique. I wouldn’t even touch one of them until its been treated with a large swab of Darlie Toothpaste and scrubbed clean with a number 5-nipple brush.

If still in doubt try the Bar Fine Bingo method. But be warned; with bar fine math a guaranteed number 1 could just as easily be a number 10, and all in the same short time.