Dana Bargirl Investigation Service

A lot of you do not know this (well, some of you do because your lives are so screwed up), but in addition to my worldwide literary activities including but not limited to brilliant essays, groundbreaking story content, autobiographical shafts of crystalline light, skank play recommendations, and wordsmithing that would cause Willy the Shake to fall to his knees and blubber like a baby; I also run a private investigation service in Thailand. It is called the Dana Bargirl Investigation Service (DBIS). It is a bonded, insured, and licensed totally honest Thai registered business - ha ha; I just love that joke. Anyway, people have questions and they engage my services to get those questions answered. What kinds of questions? Love life and personal questions. What did you think? Did you think I got questions like:

1. Plato vs. Aristotle: who was the better dresser?

2. Black crocodile pants and metal flake pink shirt: good idea or great idea?

3. Suspenders only, or suspenders plus belt: what do world leaders say?

No barf brains those are not the questions I get. Sweet Jesus on a cracker didn't your parents have any children? Grab the reins sugar lips; this is a bargirl investigation service in Thailand. Anyway, since the odds are overwhelming that you are probably a loser and you will need my services; you might benefit from reading some of the letters I get. Some are inquiry letters, some are follow up letters, some are thank you letters, some are what we in the business call whiner letters, and then there is an example of the unusual request letter. I am sure after reading these letters you will think of me first if you ever need to have your little liar and thief probed.

1. TYPICAL BUSINESS INQUIRY LETTER

How's it hanging Danaman or the Danameister (or whatever ahole):

Yeah, well; about this spy service. I don't want to give my name or nothin' right now but just let me float this buy you to see if you can get down with it in a righteous manner dude.

So anyway, I met this really bitchin' kewl broad on the boardwalk in South Pattaya and we did a lot of drinkin', and some heavy sharin' (needles and spit and lube), and some wild ass mutual butt darts; and like you dig man? A totally dream lady the parents would luv to meet whenever they gets sprung from jail.

So anyway this is my question: I know it looks like everything is totally 100% in the future wife and mother categories with this tongue twister but I jus wonder if you could do kind of a background check first. You know: just find out if she has a Phd and a paid off mortgage and stuff like that.

Signed,
Nun of your fxxxin' business (I pay cash)

2. TYPICAL FOLLOW UP LETTER

Hey Dana: How The F Are You (like I give a sxxx)

Well, thanks for nearly screwing up my life. I asked you to investigate Wan and you wrote back and I quote:

"She is one of the worst skanks in the Kingdom with multiple husbands, more kids than an orphanage, multiple pustules and lesions and Aids symptoms, no discernable brain, no morals or even brain stem sense of right and wrong, available to barfine any soi dog if he is draggin' it on the ground, and stretch marks so deep you could stick your credit cards in them (if you had any credit cards)."

Well, Mr. Investigation Service Man I took this 'report' to Wan and read it to her and she denied everything and then she cried. We are getting married and I am not paying your bill.

Really disappointed,
Bif from Bilabongville, Australia

P.S. Ahole

3. TYPICAL THANK YOU LETTER

Sa Wa dii Khrapy Velly Hansum Man Dana:

Your service was great, and very professional in every way; and I would recommend you to everyone. You saved me money, and you saved me time, and you saved my dignity, and you probably kept me from having a heart attack or killing the bitch and ending up in jail. You also have given me a life lesson that I will not forget. From now on I will trust no human beings, forfeit any thoughts of happiness, and regard all Thai females as implacable foes and spawn of the Devil. I can't thank you enough for turning me into a heartless adamantine hater of all females in the Kingdom. Once again, a great service delivered in an honest ethical way and at a competitive price. If all business people were like you the world would be a better place and I would not have razor blade slash marks on both wrists.

Only one thing:

I am sure you remember that I told you I could pay for the investigation part of the service, but I could not pay your overnight expenses in Pattaya. The agreement was that I would park my van on Pattaya Beach Road and you could sleep in the back. I also, as a courtesy, told you that I rented out the front of the van to trannies and to expect doors to be opening and closing all night long.

Well, when I got the van back there was semen and spunk and jazz all over the sides of the van (and on the black velvet Elvis painting), and the ceiling, and the floorboards in the back. It looked like a one gallon paint can of latex semi-gloss Oyster White exploded. I think you owe me an explanation.

Sincerely yours,
Rodney Proudfoot III

P.S. Not for nothing but what's wrong with you man? I've got kids. And for the last three hours I have had them in the back of the van with chisels trying to chip your stuff off the sides and the ceiling and the floor. Children Dana. Think about it.

4. TYPICAL WHINER LETTER

Attn: Mr. Dana (if that is your real name)

Well, I hope you had a good time spending the money I sent you for your DBIS (DANA BARGIRL INVESTIGATION SERVICES) itemized bill. Because you totally screwed up my life with your roaring incompetence. I asked you to go to Soi Monkey Butt off Walking Street in South Pattaya and check out a woman named Licker who works in the Boom Boom room at the Kit Kat Klub. Ten days later I got an email from you and I quote:

"This lady seems fine to me; I can't catch her in a lie, and everything about her is really classy. If I was not already chained for life (marriage) to a woman who was shaped like an hourglass when I met her; and who is now shaped like a coconut; I would marry this Licker. You are a lucky man."

Well, Dana that is what I did. I married her. And the last three years of my life have been the worst years of my life. Gee, I wonder how that could have happened? Well, Mr. DBIS; it turns out that Licker had a twin sister named Lickee and they both worked in the Boom Boom room at the Kit Kat Klub on Soi Monkey Butt. Licker was a Go Go dancer and Lickee was a cashier. You were supposed to be interviewing Licker and you were actually talking to Lickee. It turns out that Licker is the Devil, and her twin sister Lickee is an angel. Thanks to your stupifying stupidity in interviewing the wrong sister I married the Devil because you interviewed the angel. Thanks for ruining my life because you could not ascertain that there were identical twin sisters named Licker and Lickee which I think would be just baseline competence in your business. When I look up the word 'stupid' in the dictionary I expect to see a picture of you.

Would like to kill you,
Froozer Glockenspeil, Berlin

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* Attn: Thailandstoryites - I would just like to state that the above letter is a good example of the kind of whiner letters all of us bargirl investigation professionals get in the Kingdom. I mean give me a break: Licker and Lickee? I guess I am just lucky that the sisters had not been quints with names Licker, Lickee, Licko, Licks, and Lickme. Whiner.

5. TYPICAL UNUSUAL REQUEST LETTER

Attn: Most Esteemed Dana Bargirl Investigation Service (DBIS) company:

Hello Dana. My name is Prinklehopf (you can call me Horst) and I am from Switzerland. I am writing you because I have a special situation that requires a man of integrity and experience like yourself. In short, I have fallen in love with a tranny who works the boardwalk opposite the Starbucks in Pattaya. Here is the special situation; well, actually there are two special situations.

Number One: Even though I love this woman with all my heart and with all my soul we have not consummated our love for each other yet if you get my meaning. Naturally the consummation part of the love act would require an open mind and I am of course totally hip to that. However, I am a cautious man and I would hate to find out after going through the happy days of the marriage ceremony (and expense) that there were a lot of big polyps in there if you get my meaning. God knows I am as open minded as the next love struck suitor but tearing grooves in my man thing because Lek has big calcified polyps is not on my list of things to do.

Number Two: The second thing is that I am not a normal man in the love act department. Without sending you audiotapes or videos let me just tell you that I can go forever like a jackhammer and I need a woman (wife) who can take it. Of course there is only one way to tell with something like this.

So, this is where you come in if you decide to accept the job. I want you to make love to my honey bunny Lek before I marry her. That's right; I want you to pork the broad before I have to kiss her pet waterbuffalo and dance with the monks. I admit I am head over heels with this vision of loveliness; but I am nobody's fool, and a little research never hurt anyone. Your job is to pick her up, take her to the A.A. Hotel; and ream her like a carbide tip drill going through cheese. Repeatedly. Over and over and over with the repetitude of Switzerland saying they were neutral during WWII. Take notes.

To help you with the endurance issue I have forwarded to the Swiss Embassy in Bangkok on the corner of Soi Nailoet and Witthayu Road a package containing yaa baa and ecstasy tablets. They are in a special suppository form. You know what to do. I realize that this means that Lek and you can not play mutual butt darts but that is where the integrity comes in. Please just concentrate on the job at hand and behave like a professional. I know you will. No need to send me audiotapes or videos. A notarized report on company stationary duly dated and signed is enough. I know this seems kind of detailed, but hey; I'm Swiss.

Naturally, I recognize that this request for your investigation services is a little different. Consider it a blank check arrangement. Just bill me what you think is fair (with duplicate receipts for any expenses).

Waiting to hear from you,
Prinklehopf (Horst) Humperdink

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Well, losers and pathetic dreamers and love scum: there you have it. Examples of what it is like to be in the business. If you would like to engage my services and have one of your stupid human love canals investigated just email me or call me or send me a letter. And don't forget; everything you communicate with me will be held in the most strict confidence: ha ha - I just love that joke.

And, as always, prices are negotiable based on the photos I get. For example,

1. She can stand on her hands in the shower: 3% discount.

2. Pretzels hanging off her nipples when she stands in front of the airconditioner: 4% discount.

3. Built like an hourglass, two eyeballs going in two different directions, and favors micron thin leopard skin print jumpsuits: 6% discount.

Special Discount Situation: Any photos of rampant trannies holding up a plastic bucket with ten Nana Hotel glass ash trays inside will get a 10% discount. Additional tranny discounts possible: ask for the STDP (Special Tranny Discount Package) for further details.
Example: any investigation work involving Emma from Pattaya is 50% off.

So, do what you know you gotta do jackwad. Get the bad news from me before you get it from someone else. Every part of the Dana Bargirl Investigation Service (DBIS) is confidential (no, I do not want to meet you), there are no guarantees, and cash doesn't talk it screams.
And of course if you are unhappy with the service in any way we have a law firm DEWEY CHEATEM & HOWE that will adjudicate in an objective third party way in either an arbitration or mediation proceeding - NOT - I just love that joke.

Sincerely
Dana
ITOLDYOUSO - dot - com
Telephone: 46 - 3825 - 96877353

© Dana. All rights reserved by the author.