Misty Eyes

Dana

By : Dana
Views : 1890

It is the beginning of Fall in Boston and the wind coming in the bathroom window is cold and raw. The leaves aren't falling early but it seems like a Winter wind. Maybe I am just getting old. Anyway, with the kids all grown up and gone everything is now different; slower, as if a great winding down clock is ticking away. The great adrenaline push of raising the children is now over. The wife is fat and has stopped shaving her moustache, my penis doesn't seem to be needed anymore, and the blood pressure pills will probably keep me alive for another 20 years. All the work and the worry and the good intentions comes down to this: I am a limp-dicked, soon-to-be-retiree, with disappointing children; leaning over a toilet bowl and pouring in a stream of blue Tidy Bowl cleanser. I've been in charge of the Tidy Bowl routine for 20 years. Like an unexpected asteroid burning through the atmosphere of my brain, the blue stream of disinfectant brings up memories from 35 years ago!

The best advice my father could have given me was "Don't marry a white woman". But he knew I wouldn't listen so he kept it to himself. The second best piece of advice which he did give to me was "Volunteer for Supply, son". It was the 60's and I had been drafted into the Army. The United States felt that my 5 foot body was indispensable to the War effort. My dad's parting advice was to get into Supply. I would be able to siphon off enough to fence and provide myself with booze, women, and gambling money for the duration. He was right. I made a fortune. So much that I was able to finance an R&R apartment in Bangkok for Army guys from Saigon and for guys from the Air Force Base in Korat, Thailand. Using stolen supplies and bribed military labor I had a flush toilet installed in the apartment. Water reservoir on the roof, plumbing, water pump, septic tank: all donated by the wonderful US taxpayers. The Thais used to knock on the door to watch me flush the toilet. They stared goggle-eyed as the water went down the bowl.

Well, things were going along ok for a while until some car bombs and bar bombs persuaded me that the enemy was serious. After that I started drinking. One night I got drunk and stole a piece of road grading equipment. Drunk and hauling ass down a dirt road, I came up behind a Vietnamese ancient on a bicycle. I honked. I honked again. Nothing. So I lowered the blade, knocked him down, and greased him. When I got back to the base, the Sergeant told me to take R&R in Bangkok for a week and he would hose off the blade.

Stopping at Korat on the way to my apartment in Bangkok (selling Army supplies to Air Force personnel--what a sweet deal), I met a woman named Poom. I said something friendly like "Korat was nice" and she responded in perfect GI-accented English that "Korat sucked", and she wanted to go to Bangkok! We arrived that night and I showed her the flush toilet. If I had tapped the back of her head her eyes would have fallen out. My eyes were misty. Suddenly, I was so happy.

I had driven down with a jeep pulling a trailer full of taxpayer-paid military issue supplies. Everything from cosmetics for girls to lug nuts for business to toiletries for bribes to alcohol for bars and of course furniture and towels and sheets for the apartment. Poom thought she had fallen into a money pit.

One day I was standing in the bathroom pouring in a blue stream of Tidy Bowl disinfectant. The toilet reservoir tank on the roof was filled with algae and made the toilet water smell like a klong. Suddenly, there was a scream right behind me. Coming up behind me, Poom hadn't seen the can I was holding; just the blue stream. She thought my urine was blue!

Back then I was a small, scared guy in a war zone and like a lot of young men with too much testosterone and too little experience; I was forcing myself through life with a foul mouth. It was 'Shit' this and 'Fuck' that all the time. Poom stopped that. After I finished pouring the disinfectant in the bowl, I found her in the kitchen cleaning out the container. Then she put the top back on and cut a slot in the top. That night she presented it to me in bed and explained that from now on every time I said a bad word I had to put a satang coin in the container. I never put a single Thai coin in that container. Because I never said another bad word. She just took over my heart. . . !

So now I am in Boston and I am pouring Tidy Bowl in the toilet bowl and I am wondering if far, far away in modern Siam Poom is doing the same. And I wonder if she is fat and has a moustache. And I curse my father for not telling me about Asian women. It is a cold, raw wind coming in the bathroom window and my eyes are getting misty.

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Marc Holt
May 15, 2007, 14:47

"If I had tapped the back of her head her eyes would have fallen out."

Damn! I spit the coffee up my nose reading that line. Another gem of a story from Dana. Thanks mate!

IntheKnow
May 17, 2007, 16:28

Delusions of Grandieur is an understatement!!!!

mike
May 17, 2007, 16:55

IntheKnow, What are you going on about? It's a piece of fiction. What delusions of grandeur are you talking about?

Dana
May 17, 2007, 17:14

Not on this website because it is not set up for it; but perhaps on another website where subject/content threads are encouraged: I would enjoy reading how people think they can always (ALWAYS) tell whether something is fiction or non-fiction.

In addition to this special knowledge about all other persons' lives that a lot of readers seem to think they have; I would also be interested, in a psychological sense, in knowing why it matters so much to them (to know why a story is fiction or non-fiction). I have been accused (and ACCUSED is the operative word) of writing fiction when it was non-fiction, and of writing non-fiction when it was really fiction. In other words, a lot of these readers who believe they have infallible labeling abilities about the content of what they are reading are 100% wrong; but of course you can not tell them.

On my end the emails can be quite amusing (if you decide to be amused by life) with readers, basically, telling me that they know more about what I wrote than I did. A nanosecond of reflection would show the error of that thought, but like I said; it would take a nonosecond of reflection.

It is possible sometimes to bring some of these readers along the logic path and get them to agree that extraordinary things happen to extraordinary people, or that extraordinary things sometimes happen to ordinary people; but that is usually about as far as you can get. They do not think what THEY are reading on the net could be real. Utimately this becomes an Internet reading lifestyle where cynicism replaces judgement and open mindedness.

steve rosse
January 3, 2011, 22:23

I am always interested when this author tries his hand at fiction, and there are some notably nice things in this. I agree that the eyeball line is very fine.

But it seems like for this story to work the reader would need to like the unnamed nostalgiac narrator. We need to care that he's unsatisfied with his life, and that the toilet bowl cleanser (his madeleine) triggers yearning for things past. It feels like the author's intent is that the reader's eyes get misty as well, but for that to happen the narrator has to be a sympathetic character.

Which he would be, without the vignette of the road grader. In the middle of the story our narrator confesses murder and then expresses absolutely no remorse about it. So of course the reader immediately despises, or at the very least distrusts, the narrator. Unless the story becomes one of redemption or retribution there's no way to be sympathetic with this guy.

I think that if that one paragraph was removed it would be a big improvement.

Dana
January 4, 2011, 23:28

I have emailers express the idea that that 'bad' paragraph makes the story. Few of us have unblemished histories on Earth. We carry around the guilt or the regret. We 'sympathize' with other flawed regretful humans who wish they could rewrite their lives. Perhaps stories about angels and people whose every impulse or action was explained or explainable by the writer would be less sympathetic and less entertaining. On a personal level I can state that my sister has lead a seamlessly perfect life. She is boring. And in contravention of what you might expect: no one will remember her. A clean wake is a forgotten history. Writing classes teach that the flawed diamond has to be 'fixed'. Really?

chuckwoww
January 5, 2011, 04:01

So Steve, if the character was more sympathetic would the story be more marketable? Would a watered down version reach a larger audience? I'm with Dana here....there's a strong aura of self-loathing about the central character that grabbed me.

steve rosse
January 5, 2011, 10:54

"We 'sympathize' with other flawed regretful humans..." Right, but this character is not regretful at all. He coldly describes the murder and never mentions it again. After the murder he goes to Bangkok and parties with his stolen loot, another thing he's not regretful about. The only thing he seems to regret is his current marriage and his participation in household chores. We need to sympathize with him if the misty eyes closing is going to have an impact. But he's a thief and a murderer and not ashamed of either. Hard to like the guy.

"there's a strong aura of self-loathing..." Where? I reread the story and don't find any self-loathing. Certainly none in the Bangkok section, that's all description of the easy, hedonistic life he led at the taxpayer's expense. Again, he's a little disappointed with his current life, but even there I don't read any self-loathing.

As to marketability, no, removing that one paragraph about the murder would not make this story marketable. But it would make it, in my opinion, a better story.

chuckwoww
January 5, 2011, 17:23

"All the work and the worry and the good intentions comes down to this: I am a limp-dicked, soon-to-be-retiree, with disappointing children; leaning over a toilet bowl and pouring in a stream of blue Tidy Bowl cleanser. I've been in charge of the Tidy Bowl routine for 20 years."

Right there Steve. And he's not going to apologize to anyone for murder. Hell no. It was just a 'gook'. Deep down this guy hates himself.

steve rosse
January 5, 2011, 20:19

"Deep down this guy hates himself." I see a lot of self pity in those two sentences, but no self-loathing. (I also see a misused semicolon, but I've learned not to mention punctuation.) If he hated himself, he'd want to apologize for murder and thieving; hell, he'd NEED to apologize. (Can I also just mention how much I hate the exclamation marks?)

korski
January 6, 2011, 08:47

"We 'sympathize' with other flawed regretful humans..." Right, but this character is not regretful at all. He coldly describes the murder and never mentions it again. After the murder he goes to Bangkok and parties with his stolen loot, another thing he's not regretful about. The only thing he seems to regret is his current marriage and his participation in household chores. We need to sympathize with him if the misty eyes closing is going to have an impact. But he's a thief and a murderer and not ashamed of either. Hard to like the guy.

I think you're trying to make too much of this story, which is very short and quite thin and...well, it's a sketch or outline for a story yet to be written. This isn't minimalist fiction; it's just, as I noted, a sketch for a story, period.

chuckwoww
January 6, 2011, 09:27

Of course you can mention the semi colons and the exclamation marks Steve. But I don't think that kind of silly nit-picking will detract from a fine restrained piece of writing....one of Dana's best IMO.

steve rosse
January 6, 2011, 09:57

"...one of Dana's best IMO." In my opinion, too, which is why I bother to pick at the nits. A semicolon is a brick in a cathedral; when it's out of place the whole structure is unsound. In any writing, every word, every sentence, every comma, is important. If I didn't think this story had merit I would not bother to comment on it. But I do think it has merit, and so it deserves careful, considered criticism. Even if I thought it was just a fragment of a longer story, I would try to give thoughtful feedback if I thought it was worth it. And in this case I do.

I don't believe it serves a writer at all for a reader to say, "I liked it," or "I didn't like it," without saying why. It's wasted breath, and it's lazy.

Mike
January 6, 2011, 10:15

I used to use exclamation marks a lot in my stories. Over time I realized they were not necessary or appropriate much of the time, so I edited most of them out except where they were definitely the proper punctuation to use. The more one writes (and reads other authors) the more one sees what is the appropriate punctuation. Semicolons are still a bit of a problem for me, as is changing tenses within a story. But, I am working on it and have read and reread the writing manuals (Strunk and White's).

Anyone know of any online publications on these matters we can easily download and study? Google is my friend, but others may have found some I haven't come across that might be helpful as well. -Mike

Mike
January 6, 2011, 10:37

I have found that living in Thailand gives me a lot of material that would make interesting, entertaining, unusual and educational subject matter. I have many stories I could tell if I had the time. Running a popular restaurant is time consuming, even when the actual labor is mainly done by your staff. I now find I have some time each day I can start using to begin writing my stories once again, and will be doing so in the near future. I am out of practice and need to just write for an hour a day, or more when possible.

It would be nice if some of the other wonderful writers here would help add more new material to the site, under any name you would like if using your current nom de plume would cause any difficulties. We can make any amount of user names and accounts for you all. I was hoping some would try new things under various names if the subject matter was one you would not want associated with your present user name. Sometimes it can be fun and liberating to try new things anonymously. I've done it a few times myself. Try it and see for yourself.
I intend to add more fiction and nonfiction here now I find I have some time, some as Cent, and some under different names. It can be a lot of fun and frees you to do more stories in different styles and genres you wouldn't normally try to do. We have many genres and subsections here. We made the site to give writers maximum freedom and a wide range of possibilities to show their writing skills and to tell their stories. Give it a go if you'd like. It can be exhilarating to write as a different person in different styles. And, it can help your writing skills improve when you branch out and try different things with your skills.

-Mike

steve rosse
January 6, 2011, 11:30

"Anyone know of any online publications on these matters..." Well, I think that every writer ought to have Strunk and White at his elbow at all times, but the Chicago Book of Style is a pretty popular modern source. If I remember right they don't even allow the semicolon any more. I don't know if it's online, probably not.

Most professions that require extensive writing have their own book of style; I used to buy the AAMT (American Association of Medical Transcriptionists) book of style every year, because they update it every year. But any book of style is useful for longer pieces, so that you are consistent throughout. Do I put quotes around the title of a magazine or italicize it? What about the title of a book, or a movie? If a quote ends a sentence does the period go inside the quotes or out? Is it "culs de sac" or "cul de sacs?" This is not silly nit picking; every inconsistency is a speed bump on the highway of a story, every time a reader stops to notice that you italicized "Bangkok Post" at the top of the story but put quotes around it at the end, it pulls him out of the story and reminds him that his favorite TV show is about to start.

Consistency also lets an editor know that you're serious about your writing, and since editors know their job is easier when the writer is serious about his work, it makes your writing more marketable.

As for my beloved semicolon, if you Google the phrase "How to use a semicolon" you'll get 1,480,000 results. Use any of those sources, as long as you use the same source throughout your whole story.

Mike
January 6, 2011, 11:50

Steve,

Yes, the one thing I learned while studying toward getting my certification as a technical writer was the importance of consistency throughout the document you are writing. Whether it is a technical report, business proposal, or other piece you are writing I do believe it is very important to be consistent in your 'style' and your use of emphasis and punctuation. I believe this is true when writing fiction and nonfiction as well. Inconsistency throws the reader off, can cause confusion, and make the story unappealing and amateurish and can turn the reader off. -Mike

chuckwoww
January 7, 2011, 00:40

I read through this piece again...several times actually. More thoughts..... I couldn't care less about a missing semi-colon and I still think the main character hates himself. He hates everything but in a numb detached way. Of course he will never admit it. That would be to admit he has nothing left. But I agree with Steve about the exclamation marks being superfluous. What we have here is a touch of the over-the-top Dana style. That's just Dana. He refuses to be reined in. His writing has a raw passion which more professional writing generally lacks. Fear not Dana! With more fearless critiques from Steve perhaps you can yet come up with the great Thai expat novel. That's where Korski's comment about the piece being an outline make sense. I don't think the piece was intended to be more than just a sketch but I would certainly like to see it extended. It would be nice to watch this character either disintegrate totally or achieve some kind of redemption. How about sending him back to Vietnam in search of his lost soul?

Dana
January 7, 2011, 01:54

I stand by my use of the semi-colon but admit it is marginal. I could be sold on punctuating the sentence differently. Alcohol or drugs would probably have to be involved but I am open minded about it. Usually I am not this accomodating regarding opinions different from my own on the subject of punctuation and in most cases regard said different opinions to be an invitation to a knife fight.

On exclamation points. Emotionally I want to use thousands of them; however that has been pretty much beaten out of me. If you check my last billion Internet words you will be hard pressed to find one. I want to use them--but I don't use them.

korski
January 7, 2011, 09:54

A semicolon is a brick in a cathedral; when it's out of place the whole structure is unsound. In any writing, every word, every sentence, every comma, is important.

This is patently not true. There is enormous variation in how the language is used, and by what are considered the world's best writers, or writers with great story-telling talents. Compare Joyce Carol Oates with Cormac McCarthy and then bring in Saul Bellow and Gabriel Garcia Marquez, just for openers, and you will find enormous variation in punctuation. One has to look to intent, and music, and music is not found in Strunk or any other place. There simply is NO right answer on the matter, and to say otherwise is to misunderstand the possibilities and plasticity of the English language. There are some writers who will NEVER use a semi-colon.

steve rosse
January 7, 2011, 20:48

"Compare Joyce Carol Oates with Cormac McCarthy and then bring in Saul Bellow and Gabriel Garcia Marquez, just for openers, and you will find enormous variation in punctuation."

Ah, now, Professor, is that what you tell your students? There's a difference between Kerouac rebelling against authority by eschewing the rules and an amateur who just doesn't know the rules. Jackson Pollack throwing paint at a canvas is not the same as 3-year-old Timmy throwing paint in preschool. To say there is no right answer is to misunderstand the tool: you hold a hammer by the wooden end and strike with the metal end. If you're a master builder and you find a place where the wooden end drives the nail better, that's genius. If you're a newbie who just doesn't know how to use the tool, it's just a mistake, pure and simple.

But we've had this conversation a hundred times already. Nevermind. u goahead end use thet wumderful; Plastic languege eny waaaaY u like! pErfessor.

Dana
January 7, 2011, 22:17

One thing you never hear and almost never read about punctuation is it's use as a speed tool. Speed? Yes, the reader's reading speed. When I am putting words on paper they are not merely words in a technical sense the same way 'example' words appear in a grammer primer. I use punctuation to slow down or stop or make the reader pause as they read. I want the reader to read the text at the speed that I think is best for comprehension and entertainment. Punctuation as a speed device to control the reader is not something you ever read about but I think about it with every sentence. I believe I know best what speed will benefit the reader and so I use punctuation to control (hopefully) his reading. Try and find this idea in Strunk or all of the rest of them. Not once have I ever heard this idea espoused or understood by critics of an author's use of punctuation.
Most (all?) punctuation conversations start with someone pointing out a technical mistake that the author made. How many times have you heard the same critic approach the subject of what the author was trying to accomplish? THAT is reading. If challenged on this the critic will fall back on the idea that punctuation is technical and not connected to content or intent. Really? I reject that idea.

On a slightly different subject: you can not shut up so called uber hip people on the subject of the language being dynamic and change in the use of language being something we should just be knee jerk accepting of. How come we never hear this same argument used for punctuation?

Airmail
January 8, 2011, 13:20

"3-year-old Timmy throwing paint in preschool"
When our Timmy threw paint at 3 years old he just about copied Pollack(?) and almost Pollock. Maybe Korski is a Pollack? Sounds like it anyway but anyone mistaking a Pollock for a Pole shouldn't lecture on pronounciations.
So what if I start throwing the alphabet at the paper,will it make me a famous writer? Or a better speller? Anyway who cares about technicalities if the content is brilliant? Signed : Pedantic

John Daysh
January 8, 2011, 17:40

"One thing you never hear and almost never read about punctuation is it's use as a speed tool."

I agree entirely. The same can be said for sentence length. Mixing up short sentences with longer ones can be extremely powerful. A good writer should be able to dictate the rhythm of their writing and an intuitive feel for punctuation is crucial to achieving this. I think this is where it is acceptable for rules to be broken. If the purpose is to achieve a particular effect and it works then the writer is showing skill. But, as Steve says, if it happens through ignorance or accident then it is hit and miss and will soon become clear that the writer is lacking in skill or in some skills.

steve rosse
January 9, 2011, 00:18

Pollack versus Pollock. See, I made a mistake, pure and simple. Airmail pointed it out and I say thank you and we move on.

Dana
January 10, 2011, 02:15

"Pollack versus Pollock. See, I made a mistake, pure and simple. Airmail pointed it out and I say thank you and we move on."

Point taken but a friend would point out that you are missing an opportunity here to practise denial and pointless aggressive behavior cloaked in a juvenile 'special point-of-view'. Think of the race and evolution. We did not get where we are today by acting mature and being adult. Get with the program. I find excessive ego in service to time wasting arguments can be very helpful. God speed.

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