Someday We Will Own It

One of the xenophobically inspired reasons given by Thais for not allowing foreigners to own property in Thailand is that they (the foreigners) might BUY THE KINGDOM.

Lots of foreigners, lots of money--little Thailand, little money. The foreigners may end up owning everything. All the land, all the businesses. Many foreigners have already made inroads: the Chinese own the banks, Indians people almost control tailoring and are branching out into real estate, many of the Hi-So women listen to rich foreigners, creative financing and legal dodges combined with lenient leasing arrangements already place industries and companies in foreign hands, and some non-Thais have figured out how to buy (and sell) condos and other forms of property. The Thais sit on their hands and shuffle their feet in the dust hoping the government will protect them. Fat chance. They worry about the future. Hence one of the reasons it is almost impossible to get a Thai passport if you are a non-Thai.

A xenophobic snake is a snake and to be respected, but still; xenophobia tends to blind one to logic, and to reason, and to good government, and the strategy behaviors that make a success of the future. Not so the foreigners. Foreigners are smart and Thais know it. They have farang directed fun at our expense but they sleep less well if we are in the house. We are smart and they know it. Hence the juvenilia of misdirected hostility. Nobody has done anything to them and so why are they so hostile? They are nervous, that's why. Beware the nervous animal.

There are so many politically correct things we could say regarding this social-political situation but why don't we just say what is on our minds and what is in our hearts? Children act this way--why can't we act this way? To wit: it would be GREAT to own Thailand. Naturally, I'll be in charge and naturally we will change the name from Thailand to Danaland. You knew that.

Some changes . . .

1. No Immigration lines or Immigration officers at Bhumi. All they do is terrorize you and be rude to you. Instead, the entire terminal building will be converted into one giant Go-Go bar. One hundred live bands, five hundred bartenders, ten thousand Go-Go girls, and fifty thousand freelancers. There's a party going on--welcome to Danaland.

2. Next, all incoming non-Thais will report to the H.H. Dept. -- Handguns Handout. Every arriving foreigner over the age of thirty will receive one handgun and one thousand bullets. Run out of bullets? Just ask for more. This is Danaland. We understand your needs. You ordered a banana pancake and they brought you fish eye soup? You know what to do.

3. Currency Exchange Window

You don't have to do this anymore at the airport. There is no currency exchange in Danaland. Just tell them how much Thai baht you want (up to 100,000 baht) and they just give it to you. It is free. And if they shortchange you on free money . . . you know what to do. Remember, you were issued a thousand bullets and more can be had on demand. Don't ration your emotions. Let the Thais know how you feel. It is all about international relations.

4. Taxi Line

The taxi line is history. Taxies will be lined up in over-abundance 24/7, no meter and no charge, and all taxies will have prominently displayed customer service signs that say:

If I Displease You In Any Way, Wait Until I Take You To Your Destination, Then Shoot Me.

5. Arrival at the Mothership

No front desk check-in procedures of any kind. You will be met at the door with a key, a wei, and a whore. I might also be there just hanging around. We'll shake hands and have our picture taken. No charge. Of course the hotel is free. This is Danaland.

Well, guys--you are now in the Kingdom. What other changes would you like to see as Thailand becomes Danaland? Just send in your ideas to Dana Enterprises c/o Buying Thailand Project and I will have my people get in touch with your people for a power lunch and a power point presentation.

It would be GREAT to own Thailand.

Sincerely yours,

Dana

P.S. -- Bad news for some of you. When we finally own the Kingdom and Siam has finally reached it's final incarnation as Danaland and I am in charge: I am going to get rid of all the white skinned Hi-So wannabes. No more skin whitening products will be sold. Back to basics. Essan products only. You'll all thank me.

© Dana. All rights reserved by the author.