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decreaseby Two Dogs: VD Travel Reporter
UDORN THANI (Village Daily) At the first morning coffee break of a two-day symposium on the ‘Impact of Fish Bowls in Northeast Thailand and Laos on The Operational Effectiveness and Pilot Retention Rates of Air America in The Vietnam War’ a challenging historical trivia question was raised. ‘How did the first guy to get head do it and what did he say to get the Ying to go down?’
Unfortunately no consensus was reached during the symposium on the question. Checking with other VD staff members the only admitted history major believes this milestone in human sexuality probably happened in China. Why China? Because according to our expert, that’s were most civilized things got started and the Chinese have always had an abundance of short, flat headed, cross eyed, bone ugly, buck toothed Yings available, and what else could they do with them?
The VD experts’ opinion is that a quick thinking Chinese stud, probably the owner of a dry cleaning store specializing in spot removal, with more than a spark of creative intelligence worked up the idea and then figured out how to coax his Chinese squeeze into doing the deed.
News of his discovery and his success probably spread quicker across the sheep and caravan trails of Central Asia than the procedures for making fire or a raiding band of horny Kiwi livestock humpers. Our VD historian and other staff members figure the Chinese stud’s side of the conversation probably happened something like the following.
Step in here Moon Cake. Why? Because, we don’t want to be disturbed tonight sweet thing. You won first place today and I just had to see you and congratulate you. Yes, I do love you, you know I do. Well love is not the same as marriage Moon Cake. No love is much better.
Moon Cake you’re the only short, level headed, almond eyed, great personality, smiling Chinese Ying for me this side of the big wall. I’m closer to you than anybody.
What did that Heathen Hun bitch say? Moon Cake I only went out with her for a few months and that was before I met you. No we never did anything. It just didn’t feel right with her. It’s so much different with you. I know but don’t listen to her. She is just jealous of you. I haven’t thought about her once since I met you.
Tonight? Well Moon Cake, I brought you here tonight, to our special place, to ask you something special. No I already explained about the marriage thing.
No Moon Cake my little sweetheart this is something else keep you panties up. Tonight I had something even more special than that in mind. This is something I’ve never asked anybody and I don’t think anybody else has really tried this yet either.
Well, I got this idea while watching you in the village banana-eating contest. You came in first and you’re the new Banana Queen. I was so excited for you and so was your special friend, your Love Dragon. Yes he was. He was standing right up trying to clap. I mean it. He was really excited for you.
He’s your pet. Your special toy. Do what? Okay, just one quick peek. See I keep telling you he’s your Love Dragon.
Okay Moon Cake lets get back to this other idea. Well watching you today your Love Dragon was thinking you could do for him what you were doing for those bananas. Yes he was jealous. In a way, but not really bite him. More like just, well kissing and sucking.
I don’t know what it’s called but you looked so sexy with that banana. We might be creating something here. Well it probably starts with a kiss. No, the dragon not me!
Well I’m not really sure what would be next but you remember the way you were eating those bananas, kind of pulling them in and out? Well just close your eyes and pretended your Love Dragon is a big banana.
No he wouldn’t do that. I promise. I can tell and I will pull him out. I promise. No I promise. If this doesn’t feel right I’ll never tell anyone. Okay? Come on lets try it.
Why don’t you kneel in front of me and then I can hold your head? Well, I think for balance and control. No never! This is the first time, trust me. That’s better. No I’ll leave them on.
Okay baby? Yeah Okay. Yeah Baby. Come on wider. Open wider. Come on just a little wider. That’s it baby. That’s it. Good, Good, Good.
Moon Cake! Just…shut the fuck up and suck it!
Yeah, Oh Yeah, Oh Yeah! Oh Confucius Say, OH OH OH.
OH shit baby I’m sorry!!
No! No Don’t! Don’t spit it out sweetheart. It’s probably good for you. Just swallow it. Well just try. No I don’t think you should gargle it.
Oh Moon Cake that was great. For you? Sure anything. You want me to do what? On your mouth. Let’s wait on that okay? Ask me something else.
On my knees? For what? You got to be kidding me!! I told you not to believe anything that Heathen Hun said.
Was this a relevant question for readers as we enter the new millennium? Yeah we at the VD think so. First, we have to get our Yings ready for the new millennium and keep them that way. To do so properly they need to understand how man has progressed sexually and that our needs have medical, cultural and historical roots.
We need to keep our Yings in working order and they need to understand why men are men. Second, we need to honor the bravery of this unknown Chinaman. Our own history major believes that his name may have been Big Jade, which explains the distinct Chinese characters for oral sex that translate to BJ.
Whatever his name, today his spirit is sitting at the best go-go bar in Ying heaven with the Heathen Hun in her yak hide thong sitting on his lap. His forethought and courage discovered a natural cure for a serious medical condition. We are of course speaking of ‘Blue Balls.’
He and the Heathen are sharing their eternal happy hour with the same guys that gave other LBFMs high heels, mini-skirts and tight blue jeans to wear. The spirit of Moon Cake is probably also in Ying heaven eternally waiting for happy hour to end so her Love Dragon can come dragging home.
Chinese the world over can be proud of this guy and the Ying with the guts to try. International recognition of this couple might go a long way toward easing the tensions between China and Taiwan and in fact the whole world. The VD recommends that the international Chinese community, perhaps the UN itself, proclaim an auspicious day, such as Monica Lewinsky’s birthday, as Big Jade Day to recognize and celebrate this human milestone so the rest of the 21st century can be completed in style.
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