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decreaseBANGKOK (Village Daily) Our VD research teams report local bookstores are featuring a new series of self-help books. Described on their covers as highly structured programs for beginners they promise eager readers enough knowledge and skills in a weekend to move from novice to journeyman in a variety of sports and hobbies.
However, most of the sports and hobbies presented in this series have little to do with a real man’s weekend in Bangkok. Learning to downhill ski in Bangkok in a weekend with a Little Book From Magazine (LBFM) in your lap seems more than a waste of a great abbreviation, time and opportunity to learn something practical.
Instead of self-study courses on photography, horseback riding, cricket, designing snow igloos or night tactical - high altitude high opening - full equipment jungle penetrating parachute jumps the VD is suggesting something more practical for the sports minded men in Bangkok. After all the main sport and hobby in this town for most Farangs is much more exciting. We are of course referring to ying hop and pops or bar fining.
The VD is suggesting a self-help guide entitled ‘How to Bar Fine in Bangkok.’ This illustrated guide should provide in one clear handbook a concrete, highly structured program that provides the novice as well as the old hand step by step, hour by hour, bar by bar, ying by ying the know how necessary to master bar fining from the welcome tug on his crotch at the door of the bar to the cry of ‘Cheap Charlie’ as he exits the no tell motel.
Our suggested study outline and table of contents is as follows.
Loading and Concealing a Baht Gun
Getting in Unnoticed and Unattached
Low Visibility Reconnaissance Techniques
What to Look and Feel For
Positive and Negative Ways to Fend Off the Ugly and Unwanted
Snagging the One, Two or Three You Want
Interview Questions and Techniques: Her's, Their's and Your's
Ying Body Language
Ladies Drinks
Fending Off Ying Pack Attacks
Avoiding Beer Sing Blindness and Mekong Fog
Polaroid’s and Roses
Negotiating Fees and Expenses with Mamasan
Recognizing and Neutralizing Mamasan Bullshit
Khatoy Alarms
Long Time or Short Time: The Advantages and Disadvantages
Taxi Etiquette
No Tell Motels: Suggested Locations and Prices
Rooms and Special Equipment
Ying Tricks with Towels, Bras, and Panties
Shower and Toilet Etiquette – Don’t Piss on The Seat She May Step In It.
Immediate Action Drills for
- Tom Yum Breath
- Bug Eaters
- Scars, Moles, Tattoos, Stretch Marks and Missing Chunks of Flesh
- Nipples - Bobby Trapped, Thumb Size, Missing, or Extra
- Toes and Nails – Do They Matter?
- Zero Tits
- Valley Hair – Some, None, or Way Too Much
- Oral Hesitancy
- Non Performing Yings
Bath Tub Play and Massages
Condom Roll On and Roll Off – Ying Hand and Oral Techniques
Favorite Ying Positions
Advantages and Disadvantage of being Under, Behind, On Top or In-Between
Usual Ying Bullshit
Viagra: One Pill or the whole Pack
Is She Faking or Cumming – Do You Care?
OW EEK! Means More
Her Friends and Younger Sisters
Screamers, Nail Rakers and Biters
After Sex Immediate Action Drills for
- Broken or Lost Condoms
- The Color Red
- Lost Underwear
- Hacking and Spitting
- Loose Parts – Wigs, Glass Eyes, Plastic Ears, False Teeth and Other Odd Pieces
- Sad Stories
- Tips and Other Things to Avoid
Emergency Exit Drills
Avoiding Previous Short Times and Finding New Ones in the Same Bar
Though not extensive the VD thinks a thoughtful examination of these topics in a self-help book should more than prepare the novice Farang and remind those with more experience of some minor points they may have forgotten or are overlooking. In any event these contents should make for a worthwhile weekend of reading and bar fining practice with an LBFM or two, no matter what that abbreviation means, resting in the readers lap.
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February 2, 2010, 23:55
In the beginning I did not know any of this stuff. Now, I know everything. Sometimes I think I had a more interesting time in the beginning. It is true that I have fewer negative experiences now, but the charm is gone. Just another job. Let's see, how can we maximize efficiency and minimize risk? Boring.