I married a Thai girl -- oh boy!

Yeah, I dated western women for a long time. What a bore! Fat pigs with their own agendas that only included me if I went along with what they wanted. Gimme, gimme, gimme.

Silly me, I even married one, but it didn’t last long. Not my fault of course. She was just another greedy pig. Gimme, gimme, gimme.

Hell! What is a man to do?

Only one thing of course. Go to Asia and get me one of them thar pliant, meek little gals that will bow down to my feet at night, and give me massages and hand jobs whenever I want one. So that’s what I did.

Oh! How did I come to that decision?

I can’t remember. Maybe I was looking at some Asian porno magazines at the time? I can’t remember because I was always drunk after my divorce from the pig.

Oh yeah! I remember now. I was in the bar pisser taking a leak one night and there was a travel poster advertising Pattaya. They had a nighttime shot of an arch saying Boyztown, but there were some real cute looking women in the foreground. So I thought why not? Thailand here we go!

Anyway, where I come from when you go looking for a woman it’s so you can marry her if she’s any good. So here’s how I went about finding the perfect Thai wife.

Step 1: The search

I’m no dummy. I’ve been around. Why, I went from Aurora, Missouri where I come from to the big city and wandered Sunset Boulevard for a week once. I know my way around. I even traveled to a foreign country too. Canada is kinda like America Lite, but it was good experience learning how a different culture lives.

So I decided I’d better find out about Thai culture too. I read DerStickman. That gave me a real good insight. Some of those dudes writing for him must have mush for brains letting themselves get suckered into all the bullshit the bar girls give them.

Not me! I was going to find a real good girl and marry her.

After reading DerStickman and Thailisa, I went online and joined Thailoveyink. It didn’t cost much to join. That was important because I’m in the IT industry and you know how poorly we are paid compared to stockbrokers and bankers.

I knew how to make the most of it too. These Thai girls can’t speak much English so talking to them is very simple. You open up about fifty chat windows at a time and then use the same phrases (copy/paste). It doesn’t matter if some don’t give a stock answer. Close those windows and keep on chatting with the ones who get it right. Those other ones are too dumb to bother with, right? You’ll soon get the hang of it. It ain’t rocket science.

So how did I choose the girls I wanted to chat with? I looked at their pictures of course. If they were too sexy you bet they were bar girls, so I chose the frumpy ones. Those are the best ones anyway, because they are desperate. Any white boy will do, and when you show a bit of interest they are so grateful they will do anything for you. By now, a few of the girls will have asked you to send them money to cure their sick buffalo and all that. If you are feeling generous, and usually plain stupid as well, send them some money. Otherwise, delete them from your list of chatters.

After a while, you will whittle down your choices to just a few girls and start building an online relationship with them. After a few months, tell them you are going to Thailand and you would like to meet.

Here’s a tip. Make sure you tell them different arrival days. Don’t tell any of them the actual day you will arrive. Some of them might go out to the airport to try and meet you. If they complain that you didn’t arrive, tell them you took a special bus direct from arrivals and you never went out to the public areas.

Eliminate these girls from your ‘meet’ list too. After all, if they can’t understand your instructions not to meet you at the airport they are too dumb to bother with.

While you are in Thailand don’t limit yourself. Spend the first week out screwing as many bar girls as you can. This will get it out of your system. You’ll be so spent that by the time you start dating the good girls you won’t feel horny and you can concentrate on the job in hand; so to speak.

During the first week, you could also try chatting up waitresses, hotel receptionists, taxi and bus drivers (some of them are hot), and even a few university students. Practice your Thai on them and some might even roll over onto their backs in sheer surprise and gratitude that you have made the attempt to learn their language.

Step 2: Knowing you are sure

You have worked hard and in just two or three weeks you have met the girl of your dreams. But how can you be sure? Can you trust her?

There are a few surefire ways to be absolutely sure.

Does she come from a family with modest means? How do they treat you? If the father takes you out drinking and pushes one of his younger daughters on you, don’t insult him by refusing. But if he insists you pay for the drinks, then it’s time to run a mile; after you have fun with the younger sister first of course!

Don’t forget to bow and scrape when you first meet the family. A lot of humility goes a long way. The family will be sizing you up too. If they see you are groveling they will be able to determine how much you are worth to them. Don’t forget marriage is a two-way street. You will be expected to give as well as receive. You will be asked to pay a dowry. Money is God to Thais, so be generous but not stupid.

Here’s a tip. To really find out if the girl and her family really love you, pretend to be poor at first. You don’t have to lie to them. That wouldn’t be right. However you should keep your cards close to your chest. If they treat you right they will be so grateful when they finally find out you are rich they will never let you out of their hearts. You’ve got to know how to handle these people if you are going to marry into their family.

Step 3: Getting Married

So, you’ve decided to go the whole hog and get married. You are sure this girl is not a pig (like that horrible first wife you married), and she will do the right thing by you. Before you make the final decision, always make sure she will be a great partner. There are a few ways to do this.

1.    Does she wai your feet before jumping your bones at night?
2.    Does she fix all your meals and never let you do the washing up?
3.    Of course she washes and irons all your clothes but does that include your boxer shorts?
4.    She always jumps in the shower with you to scrub your back. She can’t stand to see zits on your back. They may damage her long, sexy nails when making love, right?
5.    Does she bring you snacks and beer throughout the day as you lounge out on the patio, or around the pool?
6.    Has she hinted that a mia noi would be nice to have around a few months after you get married to help her with the housework?
7.    Does she hold your hand and cling to you as you walk down the road, or does she always stay a few steps behind you? (a traditional good girl will always walk behind her husband)

If she fails on even two of these points don’t waste your time any further.

Let’s assume you have found the perfect girl, though. It’s time to get married. Whatever you do, don’t register the marriage with your embassy. Ask your fiance to arrange a slap up party at her village. You can do a great party for everyone for about 50k, and give her and her family a lot of face in the process. This is where the dowry comes in. Make sure you give her a couple of 3 or 5 Baht gold pieces of jewelry and put them on display. You can always sell them again after the marriage. No point in wasting all that money in trinkets, is there?

After you are married, you want to get her a visa to take home to your country. There’s no need to burden your new bride with all the paperwork. You want to keep her free for bedroom events, right? Hire a professional. There are plenty of lawyers and consultants who specialize is this so spend a little money and save yourself plenty of trouble.

Always make sure she dresses demurely at the embassy. You don’t want her getting confused with all the losers who take their bargirls dressed in sequins and flounced skirts with loads of makeup on. If she wears a plain black dress and pearls no one will take her for one of the swine.

Step 4: Getting permanent residency for your wife

Before you take this crucial step and get your wife her green card, you want to be absolutely sure she is the right one. Even though you have already married her in Thailand that is not really a marriage if it is not registered with the embassy before you take her to your country.

Give her about 90 days to shape up or ship out. Watch out for danger signs. If she starts meeting other Thai girls and going out for a night out with the girls this might be a danger signal. A good girl will stay home and look after you.

Does she complain that she misses home? Is she moody and hard to talk to? Maybe she has a Thai husband you don’t know about yet. So if a Thai man turns up on your doorstep one day asking for a job as your gardener or driver, you might want to check his credentials carefully.

Let’s assume everything is perfect and you are ready to take the next step. It’s time to get really married. So go to your local church or the registry office and do the deed.

Then it’s time to call in the lawyers again and start applying for her residency. Spend the money and avoid the worry. Let them submit the paperwork and do the hard work. You want the extra bonking time now that you are really married.

Don’t worry, it will all work out and you will live happily ever after once she gets her green card, social security number, and drivers license.

At least, it should. I thought I had it all worked out pretty good until the results of the blood test came back from our medical. That’s when I found out my bride had an extra Y chromosome. But hey! You can’t have everything can you? At least it explains why she gives such damn good head!

© Manley Powers. All rights reserved by the author.