Latin in Thailand

Verily and forsooth: it is said by the powers of Zeus . . . . ok, listen up hepcats and ThailandStoryites; Dana here with an essay, and an article, and a peek into the history kaleidoscope, and a public service. Who loves you baby? So twist that historical kaleidoscopic cylinder on the 'way back' machine and get ready to be wowed by history.

To wit: it is not generally known but once the son of a citizen in Rome matured (could shoot stuff six feet) and went through the graduation to man/citizen ceremonies he was encouraged to take a year off and do some traveling. It was believed that a little international exposure (whoring) would more qualify him to help run the estate of his father (abuse the help, and impregnate the maids) when he returned.

Now back (way back brothers) before there was Thailand there was Siam; and back before there was Siam there was another name for the Kingdom, and back before that there was another name for the country, and before that name there was another name for the territory, and before that name there was another name for the geography that we know today as the Land of Smiles. But no matter what the name for Thailand in the past or how far back you go in your history books there were always the women. Almond eyed, dark skinned, wasp waisted geographic and genetic anomalies that could suck the pottery glazing off an Etruscan clay dildo and smile while doing it. And there were no Thai words for cellulite or scruples. So the situation was the same then as it is now.

There wasn't any pussy in Rome or the provinces that looked like the women of the country that was east of Burma, and west of Cambodia, and south of China. Visigoth women? Not in a million years unless you like the feeling of clotted hair in your hands. Women of Gaul? Forget about it. Jerusalem chicks? Nobody wanted to do that much shopping. Octavian's one legged cousin? Not a bad idea until you find that she also has only one eye. Samnite descendents with sexy hairlips? Spooky Egyptian women with baskets full of snakes? Big hipped Vandal women who can throw an axe better than you? Forget about it. We are off to Thailand. Grab some slaves, stuff the litter with silk pillows, steal from the treasury, make a midnight trip to the kitchen; and let's roll.

Sweet Jesus on a cracker we are Thailand bound:
Dad's payin' and I've got lots of gold.
The slaves are handpicked and won't make a sound:
I'm gonna bang Siamese like a drum and nothin' too old.

So this place we call Thailand today was the favorite place for the newly minted citizens (young boys with rampant dicks) of Rome to travel to. For this reason all of the great Roman teachers and Roman and Greek philosophers had 'Going to the Happy Place' classes in which they would teach these new citizens things that either they needed to know, or that it would benefit them to think on while adventuring there. None of these teachers or philosophers had actually been to the place we know as Thailand. They were too busy scoring heavy tutorial bread in the house of some senator teaching his ugly daughter to conjugate:

"My mustache is that of the hairs on a boar's balls."

But over the several hundred years of Rome's influence and worldly affairs (heartless killing, cultural rapine, and suffering taxation) a book had been developed that listed various sayings that would benefit the young scholar (stupid lunkhead) on his travels. It was the last thing given to him as his servants and litter started the long trip to the land of 'short-times' and 'long-times' that could be paid for with sacks of dirt.

Fortunately and serendipitously considering my lifetime adult interest in the culture of Thailand (easy pussy), I have come into ownership of that book. Here culled as a public service and academic thrill is a list of some of the sayings in that book. Read them and notice how little has changed. And give some thought to using some of them the next time you are cruising the boardwalk, or going through Arrivals Immigration, or negotiating with the police. Thai police just love to hear farangs answer their questions in Latin. Trust me.

1. Amicule, deliciae, num is sum qui mentiar tibi? ("Baby, sweetheart, would I lie to you?": heard today with the rapidity of Loi Krathong firecrackers)

2. Apudne te vel me? ("Your place or mine?": familiar today as . . . Short time room or hotel?)

3. Aquila non captat muscas ("The eagle doesn't capture flies": don't sweat the small stuff, or mai pen rai)

4. Ascendo Tuum ("up yours": handy at all police stations, and border crossings; and with a slightly different inflection with those of the tranny enthusiasm)

5. Caveat emptor ("let the buyer beware": lexiconists believe this Roman saying came into being when a Thai women said that she would do Yum Yum and then she wouldn't do Yum Yum)

6. Cotidiana vilescunt ("familiarity breeds contempt": interesting two part construction on the last word, isn't language learning fun?)

7. Da mihi sis cerevisiam dilutan: ("I think I'll have a light beer")

8. Diabolus fecit, ut id facerem ("the devil made me do it": handy when explaining why you started with a condom but didn't finish with a condom)

9. Id tibi praebet speciem lepidissimam ("it looks great on you": Roman language gift to the men of the world)

10. Latet anguis in herba ("a snake lies in the grass": another excellent reason not to go to Isaan to visit her parents)

11. Da mihi sis crustum Etruscum cum omnibus in eo ("I'll have a pizza with everything on it": Double cheese came later with the pleasure loving Greeks)

12. Non illigitamus carborundum (Try to figure this one out yourself history enthusiasts: good advice when bargaining with Thais) **

13. Heu! Tintinnuntius meus sonat ("Darn: there goes my beeper")

14. O diem praeclarum ("Oh, what a beautiful day": first heard on the beach boulevard in South Pattaya: the construction holes were still there then)

15. Mendacem memorem esse oporlet ("a liar needs a good memory": as an addendum, only if you intend to see her again)

16. Pone ubi sol non lucat! ("put it where the sun don't shine": first used by the first Roman who came in contact with the first tranny: what's more fun than history?)

and of course . . . the most important thing to remember when you are in the Kingdom . . .

17. Amantes Sunt Amentes ("lovers are lunatics")
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** Answer to 12. "Don't let the bastards grind you down"

So there you have it hepcats, and ThailandStoryites, and history buffs, and Latin lovers. Young men are young men, and pussy is pussy, and glory to God thank you Jesus; Thailand is Thailand. Nothing has changed except traveling there in a silk pillowed litter stuffed with olives, and dates, and cheese, and eggs, and wine, and baked ziti, and calzone, and about 300 cannoli accompanied by servants must have been a hell of a lot more comfortable than going economy on Northwest airlines.

Hey, and are you like me? Did you learn a few things? I know I did. For instance I didn't know they had trannies way back then. I did know about the lite beer and the pizza though. Anyway, put these historical Latin sayings in the back of your newbie primer and have some fun in Patpong, or Phuket, or Pattaya using them on the girls. And oh, I almost forgot: there is one more cautionary and educational saying that the young men of Rome were required to memorize before embarking for Love Land. It comes down to us through the centuries in it's now linguistically evolutionary classic form:

Find'em Feel'em Fxxx'em Forget'em ("Find'em Feel'em Fxxx'em Forget'em')

© Dana. All rights reserved by the author.