McTavish of the Glen - Chapter 10 - In Love

Laph had managed to get up on time during the week. He put his head down and worked furiously through some of Don’s outstanding tasks. Don was pleased with his work, Laph even refusing lunch with Steve. It wasn’t because Laph was dedicated but it was because he needed to be on time to get through the door of Renoir at 5pm, start of the happy hour and better still the start of Pie's shift. Laph would be through the doors dead on 5 pm, receiving the greeting girls wais and obtain his bar seat at the prime position in front of the beer tap, thanking the girls for his pai yen (cold towel) and ordering his draught Heineken all in one fluid motion. This position gave him maximum contact with Pie, the pillar on the left side to block off marauding farangs who might try “cutting his grass” with Pie. Gibbo would be along soon to take up the seat on the right therefore securing the right flank. The scene was set and all he had to do was charm Pie and hang in there until closing at 3 am, without making a fool of himself. This usually didn’t happen as Gibbo usually put a stick in the works and got him in the shit.

It was Thursday night and Laph was set up in his hunting hide at the Renoir, going over in his head what he would say to Pie. Laph was in dream world imaging him and Pie together, he with a hounds tooth smoking jacket and cravat in front of the fire, Pie in a white “pinny” in the kitchen. His dream was suddenly broken with stinging pain in his right ear that made him leap up off the bar stool spilling his beer down the front of himself. It was Pie flicking his ear as she past him, on her way upstairs to change for her shift. The Bartendee’s automatically reached for the cleaning cloth, effectively stowed in front of Laphs seat as this wasn’t an isolated incident with Laph.

Pung the bartendee said, “ That Pie is going to have him a nervous wreck by the end of the week.”

“I wish I could do that to my boyfriend when he’s gambling, but I would end up with two black eyes,” said Cee.

“You should get rid of that loser Cee,” replied Pung.”

“Yeh, I will when I have paid off his motor cycle,” said Cee, examining her fingernails.

“Goodaye bloke, how’s ya mum’s chooks?” said Gibbo as he plonked himself down next to Laph. “Man have I got a great idea,” said Gibbo.

“What would that be?” asked Laph cautiously.

“Listen here me ole china plate, what we do is ask Pie and Ae to go to Pattaya with us on Saturday, we overnight and we can't miss, job's on, what ya reckon?” said Gibbo with a sense of excitement about him.

“I’m not sure about this, Pie will never go with me,” exclaimed Laph.

“What a load of crap, cause she’s gunna go, because Ae’s her mate and they will go together,” said Gibbo.

“I’ve got a bad feeling about this,” moaned Laph.

“No worries stick with me and you’ll be sweet,” said Gibbo taking a large gulp out of his black soda.

“That’s what worries me,” mumbled Laph.

After a few dutch courages Gibbo gets Pie and Ae together and explains the plan. The girls smiled and acted like they didn’t understand and disappeared over the other side of the bar to confer.

“What happened, I was too scared to look,” said Laph.

“Fucked if I know, they just smiled and shot through,” replied Gibbo.

The girls discussed the plan and came up with their own ideas and decided to go. Pie approached Gibbo and Laph then said, “No problem we go on Wan Sow (Saturday), can you pick us up at Robinson soi sip gow (soi 19)?”

“Bloody oath we can do that, can't we Laph,” nudging Laph for support.

“Er yeh that will be fine,” stuttered Laph.

The girls walked off smothering a few giggles with their hands.

“Where’s Robinson's soi sip gown?” asked Laph.

"Fucked if I know, but I will soon find out,” said Gibbo getting up from his stool.

Gibbo walks down the end of the bar and sidles up to an American and asks, “Excuse me cobber, would ya know where soi sip gow is?”

“Yer I do, it's on soi sip gow!”, said the American and then burst out laughing loudly.

Gibbo stood for a bit and realised he had just had the piss taken out of him.

“Listen here ya fucking Septic Tank (Yank), I asked a simple question and I don’t expect a smart arse answer,” shouted Gibbo grabbing the American by the throat.

“Take it easy, it's Soi 19 just down Sukhumvit!”, wheezed the American.

“Jai yen yen , jai yen yen,” said the mamasan as she led Gibbo back to his seat.

So Laph and Gibbo worked out that they would get a taxi to Pattaya then get a hotel on arrival. The plan was set and waiting for execution.

Laph could not sleep, he tossed and turned all night, going over and over in his head how he would deal with Pie. Saturday only a day away seemed like weeks.

It was 5 am Saturday morning, Laph had packed his bag three times, with all his new clothes he had purchased ready for the weekend. He was especially proud of the pineapple and palm tree shirt he had brought. The shop assistant even discounted a pair of shorts that Laph had bought as well, as he thought he would never get rid of that shirt. High fives were given all round by the shop assistants as Laph left with his purchases.

Laph rolled up at Robinsons huffing and puffing with his bag. Laph had his pineapple shirt on with new baggy white shorts, black socks and his brown shoes. Gibbo peered over his sun glasses and said, “Fuck me McTavish, who dressed you, ya mum!”

"Nay, I did it all myself,” said Laph checking himself out.

“Do ya have sandles or thongs (flip flops)?” asked Gibbo.

“Er, yes I do, in my bag,” said Laph.

“Well lose the bloody socks and shoes. What’s with you Poms and your socks?” said Gibbo.

“Aye ya might be right, they are a bit hot,” said Laph fumbling with the lock on his carry all.

Laph was getting his sock off while hopping around on one leg on the pavement outside Robinson's. This was a great bit of entertainment for the motorcycle boys lounging about on soi 19, especially when Laph went arse up in the philodendrons. A security guard nearly swallowed his whistle as he ran to help him up.

“Jesus mate what are you doing?” said Gibbo as he helped him up.

The security guard looked at the Laph McTavish impression left in the philodendron garden bed, wondering how the hell he was going to explain this to the manager.

Gibbo and Laph stood waiting and sweating, as the girls were 20 minutes late now.

“I think we have been done mate,” said Gibbo.

Laph was just about to agree and suggest they head off for a cold beer when two strange girls approached with shorts, tee shirts and sunglasses. “Sawadee Kar,” both said in unison. Laph stood there with mouth open before he realised that it was Pie and Ae. “Er, hi there,” said Laph still staring. Neither Gibbo or Laph would have recognised them unless they spoke, as they were totally different girls than they were used to at the Renoir.

A taxi was hailed and a 1,000 baht fare was negotiated to Pattaya. It took about 2 hours to get down there with the traffic on Sukhumvit a mess as they built the new sky train. The conversation was strained on the way down. Laph and Gibbo had no booze to help them with a conversation. They arrived down onto beach road at Pattaya and the taxi pulled into the AA hotel .

“This is bloody great isn’t it, how ya gunna explain to your mates that you stayed at the AA’s when in Pattaya!” said Gibbo looking up at the sign.

Gibbo and Laph dragged their bags out of the taxi, the girls travelled light, Pie with a Emporium bag and Ae with small imitation Louis Vuitton bag. They check into the hotel with Gibbo grabbing one key and Laph the other. There was machine gun chatter amongst the girls all the way up to the room. As they got to the rooms, both the girls tried to push their way passed the bell boy and get into one room.

“Oy stop fuckin about, I did not come all the way from Australia to Pattaya to sleep with McTavish,” said Gibbo.

There was dead silence as all parties looked at each other. The bell boy was thinking of throwing his hat in the ring and offering to sleep with the girls himself to solve the problem!

Gibbo grabbed Ae by the hand and led her into the room, leaving Pie and Laph standing there with one grinning bell boy. Reluctantly Pie shuffled into the room. Laph went to the toilet . Pie could hear this noise from the bathroom, it sounded like a buffalo pissing in the Klong. Pie quickly gets on the phone to Ae in the other room.

“What are we going to do now,” asked Pie.

“Well we have to go to plan B, tin hats and sand bags!” explained Ae.

Gibbo spoke to Laph and suggested they go swimming in the hotel pool as this would give the girls a bit of time to organise themselves. As Gibbo and Laph were lounging about the pool with a few cold Carlsbergs, the girls arrived and explained that they were off shopping. Laph and Gibbo returned to their rooms, showered and changed. The girls returned and asked if the boys would go shopping with them. They all strolled down the street to a small beach wear shop where both girls had picked out a string bikini each.

“Jesus things are looking up,” said Gibbo.

“How much?” asked Laph as he hurried to get his wallet.

“5000 baht,” said the old lady behind the desk with a toothless grin.

“This better be worth it,” mumbled Gibbo as he handed over the money.

The girls were now arm in arm with Laph and Gibbo as they walked down the street.

“What about a feed?” said Gibbo.

“Can go here, we want to eat seafood,” said Pie pointing to a restaurant with a big crab missing one leg on top of the roof.

The boys sat down, ordered beers for themselves, and orange juice for the girls as they perused the menu. Most of it was in Thai and the bits in English were miss spelt and look very weird. There were “scabs and flied lice or large pawns with black peckers”. The girls saved the day and ordered up a feast, which caused the waiter to get another pen. Laph went out to the toilet, which was down the side of the restaurant. As he was standing pissing into a squat toilet he peered over the wall that didn’t go all the way up to the ceiling. Peering back was an old lady cook dressed in her white coat and hat, with her finger up to the first knuckle in her nostril. She gave Laph a smile that resembled a burnt down picket fence and continued on stir frying something on a large fire.

Dazed Laph walked back to the table.

“What’s with you?” asked Gibbo.

“Nothing,” as Laph look at the array of dishes now spread out on the table.

Gibbo was tucking in as Ae heaped spoonfuls of this and that on his plate of rice. Pie did the same except that Laph halted her offers explaining that his stomach was a little bit on edge. Laph just picked at his rice. After the meal Laph suggested a drink pointing to a bar called “Happy Endings”. The girls looked at each other and declined stating that the boys should go ahead without them and they would go back to the hotel.

“You bloody beauty, couple of drinks and back to see the bikini show!” said Gibbo after the girls had left.

“I don’t know whether you will last that long,” said Laph as he explained what he saw at the restaurant toilet.

“Shit,” says Gibbo as he took on a pale hue.

They went into “Happy Endings” bar and ordered two black soda’s. Gibbo skulled his straight down.

“This will kill the bugs,” he said with a satisfied look on his face.

Laph just raised an eyebrow at Gibbo and checked out the girls on stage who were shuffling aimlessly to the music.

“Look on the bright side,” said Gibbo, “we will go back in a couple of hours to the hotel, have girls laying on the bed with their new bikinis on, long black hair spread out over the white sheets, waiting for us.”

“I hope you’re right,” said Laph, adjusting his plonker to the right side as it stirred.

Laph and Gibbo were now on their tenth black soda and still staring at the sea of oversize high heel shoes on small brown ankles, when a large rat scurried across the stage. The dance floor turned into a Mexican hat dance crossed with tap routine as the rodent dodged back and forth with the expertise of a “Texas Cowboy” quarterback. The rat made it to safety under the bar and into a large stack of empty Heineken boxes. There was a mumbling in monotone Thai over the micro phone and dancers reverted back to a slow shuffle.

“Fuck this for a lark, let's get out of here,” said Gibbo.

They paid the bill and left for the hotel.

Gibbo wished Laph all the best, rubbed his hands and went into his room. Laph knocked on the door and received no answer. He was about to knock again, when the door opened. The room was dark except for the TV shedding a blue light over the bed. Pie was behind the door.

“How are you Laph? You mow na?” asked Pie with a grin on her face.

“I’m great thanks,” said Laph checking out Pie.

So much for the bikini show thought Laph. Pie was dressed in shorts, tee shirt with a towel wrapped around her, she resembled something like a big spring roll! Pie hurried over to he bed and jump in. Laph went to the bathroom showered and applied some “Brut” after shave to various parts of the body. As Laph combed his hair some of the aftershave had trickled down his chest on to the wedding tackle. He let out a muffled squeal as he applied water quickly to the orchestra stalls. Pie was listening intently at the strange noises and goings on in the bathroom. It didn’t sound good, she turned the TV off and she pulled the covers over her head feigning sleep.

Laph left his jocks on and blindly tried to find his way to the bed, stubbing his toe several times, letting out a muffled “fuck”. Pie was now clutching the covers even tighter as it seemed Laph was chanting his intentions and she was not going to have any part of it. She had her plan B set up and plan C, (which was a high heel shoe under the pillow). Laph tried to get under the sheets but something was amiss. He laid in the darkness and felt around. The bed was somehow short sheeted but not length ways but side ways. Pie had arranged the sheets and blankets so there was always a sheet barrier between them. It was all too much for Laph he quickly fell asleep laying on his back, snoring loudly. Pie lay motionless staring into the darkness. Plan B had worked and she gradually fell asleep.

Laph woke with a little help from Pie prodding him. As he adjusted to the light Pie was fully dressed standing with her bags.

“We go now, I have to work tonight,” stated Pie.

Laph staggered off to the bathroom, showered and changed. Dejected Laph emerged from the lift meeting Gibbo and Ae.

“Don’t even ask,” said Laph as he walked over to pay the bill.

The girls met, chatting furiously in machine gun Thai and exchanging a high five. The taxi ride back to Bangkok was in silence. They dropped the girls off, promising to meet them later at the Renoir.

Gibbo and Laph exchanged their sorry stories both mumbling, “never again!” Laph directed the taxi to soi cowboy.

“What are you doing?” asked Gibbo.

“My plan this time Laddie, I wont be caught a second time!” explained Laph.

“Aw, come on Laph it was just a set back, we will regroup and plan another offensive,” said Gibbo, trotting behind Laph after they exited the taxi at Soi Cowboy.

“You can plan, I’m on a mission,” said Laph as he strode down Cowboy towards the Tonka bar with his bag over his shoulder.

“Fuck, I think he’s spat it now,” Gibbo said to himself as he tried to keep up.

Has this setback changed Laph’s life for good? Will he ever be able to have a normal relationship with a girl or will he just flutter around dens of demise in Bangkok, sipping the nectar from all the fallen flowers? Can a Jai Okha (broken heart) be mended? Only time will tell.

© Zob65. All rights reserved by the author.