McTavish of the Glen - Chapter 6 - The learning Curve Gets Steeper

Seated at Casanova’s Laph and Steve chatted while looking at stunning but strangely tall girls dancing on the stage.

“What do think Laph?” said Steve.

“They are very beautiful but look little different than the other Thai girls,” Laph said.

“Yeah, they're different all right,” says Steve.

Laph excused himself and marched off to the toilet. Steve, with a grin on his face, called one of the girls over and gave her/him 500 baht.

“Go in the Hong Nam (toilet) and give our new friend a little surprise,” said Steve.

“The same as before?" said Kit, a big breasted tall good looking Katoey (transvestite).

“Yep, you know the drill Kit,” said Steve.

Kit swaggered seductively to the toilet waving the 500 baht note in the air, with all the girls giving whoops of encouragement. The cashier even turned the music down and all eyes were in the direction of the hong nam. Laph was standing at the urinal, legs apart, head back in pure pleasure whilst draining the spuds. Kit sauntered in catching Laph by surprise, causing him to instinctively straighten up and try to conceal himself. In doing so he managed to piss all down his leg.

“Er, I think ya in the wrong toilet” says Laph.

“No I have the right one," said Kit, stepping up to the spare urinal.

Kit left up her skirt tucking it into her waist band. She reached into her panties and extracted a large brown plonker, then proceeded to piss like a horse, sweeping left, right, up and down the urinal bowl. Laph was beside himself, goggle eyed and mouth wide open, try to say something, but the brain is not computing what the eyes are seeing. Laph’s brain is searching all the archives for some recollection or reasoning but a “nothing found” keeps coming up in the working memory.

Kit finishes off with a couple of hefty bangs of the plonker on the side of the urinal to shed the last drops. Laph finally lets out a “Jesus fecking Christ!” while trying to get some traction on the wet tiled floor. He exits the hong nam, fly undone wet stains down the front of the McLevies, shouting and gesticulating wildly. “Steve, Steve, for fuck sake there's a great fecking poofter in the toilet!” All the Katoeys were in hysterics, some squatting on the dance floor wiping the tears from their eyes, others rolling around the lounges laughing. "You like what you see, Knun Laph?" asked one Katoey. Laph didn’t know how to even answer that. Steve regained his composure and slapped Laph on the back, “Lesson number one, Laph, and what appears to be OK in Thailand might be something totally different than what you want,” said Steve, trying to stop laughing. Poor ole Laph look like a deer in the head lights and just stared straight ahead into the distance while draining his Singha in one slow pour. Steve paid the bill and guided Laph, who was walking like a zombie, to the door. All the Katoey’s yelled out their goodbyes and general crude comments of encouragement. None of this registered to Laph, as the brain was flashing “system error please restart or shut down to restore previous settings!”

They wandered back to the Three Roses Bar, where Doug was sitting down outside.

“What the bloody hell is the matter with you, you look like you have seen a ghost!” said Doug.

“I have no idea what I’ve seen” wheezed Laph.

“Gave him lesson number one, Doug,” Steve said.

“Ah, ya cruel prick, Steve,” laughed Doug, “Come on, let's go to F Spot and get you back on line,” said Doug, grabbing Laph around the shoulders.

Seated at the F Spot bar there were twenty girls dancing in their birthday suits. Laph just stared into the distance drinking black soda one after the other. “I seen it Doug, I’m telling you it was a big black slong with head on it like a fireman’s helmet attached to a beautiful girl!” Laph whimpered into to his drink.

“Don’t worry about it mate, it’s a harsh lesson, but it will stop you making a mistake in the future,” states Doug.

“How can I trust any of them, who do I know who’s who?" Laph said, pointing to the girls on stage.

“Listen these are the general rules; tall, European looking, sultry, Adam's apples, big hands, but even that can be wrong,” said Doug. “Any way all these are girls, and just learn which bars have Katoey’s and stay out of them, well only if you want to McTavish!" Doug said, looking a Laph sideways.

“Cause I do, what do you fecking take me for!” exclaimed Laph.

“Dunno, different strokes for different folks,” Doug said.

“Aye, I’m no tail gunner, mark my word!” Laph said in stern voice.

Laph continued to knock back black sodas at a fierce rate. As the girls danced by Laph craned his neck to check out each girls plumbing, he wasn’t going to get caught again. One girl grabbed Laph by the ears and pulled his head into her crotch to the whoops and applause of the other dancers. Laph at this stage was full as a fat girl’s sock and just smiled and licked his lips. The dancer just laughed and said “Mow Maak!” Doug dragged Laph out of the bar and along the Plaza veranda past Casanova’s. “Show us ya plonker baby!!” Laph slurred to staff as he past. “We show ok, you pay bar first,” said one. “Touch ya toes we’ll show ya where the wild goose goes! Yelled a big blonde."

“I think we had better get you home McTavish before you do yourself damage,” said Doug.

Traffic was at a stand still and Doug in all his wisdom decided to get a couple of motorcycle taxis. He and Steve finally managed to get Laph on the back of a Honda Dream, after he slipped off over the other side like a sack of potatoes three times. They hooked his feet under the foot pegs and wrap his arms around Lan, the Esarn driver, who was leaning forward to stop the front wheel from rearing up. Doug jumped on his motor cycle taxi and gave instructions to the drivers. Lan gingerly eased away trying not to burn the clutch out, while getting some momentum. After the U turn at Soi Nana and Sukhumvit they set of towards Soi 23 at a safe pace, weaving in and out the traffic.

Laph now had drifted off into dreamland hugging poor little Lan, who was getting a little concerned as Laph’s grip was getting tighter. Plus the fumes that Laph was exhaling could have run his motor bike for a month! Lan started to increase the pace as he was sure this farang would crush the breath out of him if he didn’t get him home in the next ten minutes. Stuck at the Soi Asoke traffic lights, Laph started murmur “Your beautiful, Agnes,” and hugged Lan tighter who was squirming trying to get a breath. “You don’t have a plonker do you, Agnes!” slurred Laph. Lan didn’t know what Laph was saying but he knew it wasn’t to his liking! As the traffic lights turned green Laph reached down and squeezed Lan's wedding tackle and said, “Aye, you’ve tricked me too, Agnes, ya got a plonker.” Lan the driver couldn’t take much more of this and let the clutch out with the engine screaming. The little Honda reared up and performed a wheelie across Soi Asoke that Evil Knevil would have been proud of. This caused Laph to let go of Lan and flay backwards, but managing to stay on. With his feet hooked in the pegs Laph was horizontal out the back of the motor cycle, arms extended, he looked like he was performing some sort of Christian ritual. Doug was shouting at his driver to catch up, but the driver just kept saying; “Oh my Buddha!” Lan now leaning over the handle bars to keep the bike down had the throttle wide open and careered off down Soi 23 scattering Tuk Tuk’s, street vendors, and Soi dogs. With Laph's arms spread out like a crucifix, the occasional pedestrian and street diner was getting a clip under the ear! He got three in the row as they sat eating noodles, causing them to all go face down in their noodles. It was bit like a Buster Keaton sketch! They even passed two Policemen on a motorcycle, who stopped and stared down the street.

“Do we chase them?” said one.

“And then what!’ said the other.

“We’ll charge them,” said the first one.

“Yeh Dick Tracy, with what? Let’s just go and get a bowl of noodles and forget what we saw, it’s all too hard,” said the other.

Lan managed to pull the cycle up using breaks and feet in front of Doug’s apartment and Laph fell in a lump on the road after the G forces subsided. Lan quickly departed, as he wasn’t going to hang around in case he got another squeeze on the plums! Doug pulled up shortly after, managed to get Laph on his feet and guided him up to the apartment. Doug rolled Laph into bed while Laph was laughing hysterically, “Agnes is a great fecking Katoey!” laughed McTavish.

“Sweet dreams big man, tomorrow is another day,” said Doug, closing the bedroom door.

Next chapter Laph’s decides, stay or go?

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