default
increase
decreaseAt about midday Laph begin to stir. Sitting on the edge of the bed holding his head Laph felt like a mule had kicked him and his mouth felt like the bottom of a budgie cage.
He rose gingerly and checked under the sheets just in case one of those Katoeys might be there, as Laph had had nightmares about Agnes having a plonker. He also dreamt that he was being held by the legs hanging upside down across the bar at Casanovas, with all the Katoeys whacking him with their plonker's. Laph shook his head and thought, I got to get out of here, it’s the den of depravity. Laph could feel how easy he could be sucked into the void. There was something about this country that excited Laph and it wasn’t just the beautiful women. It was the general atmosphere of relaxation that the Thai culture reflected.
Laph staggered off to the kitchen still in his clothes from the night before, locating a can of coke amongst the beer and half eaten take away noodles. Sitting at the kitchen table he felt some relief as he finished off his coke in large gulps. Pet walked in the apartment with some shopping.
“Sawadi don chow (good morning), Knun Laph” said Pet, bowing a little as she passed Laph. “Mai Sabai na?” asked Pet.
“Er, excuse me Pet?” said Laph.
“Sorry Laph, I speak Thai, you not feel well Laph?” said Pet.
“Aye, a bit too much to drink last night, Pet, and I usually don’t indulge that much,” Laph explained.
“No Problem, I give you something to make you feel better, and I boxing Doug for getting you drunk,” Pet said.
Pet extracted a couple of small brown bottles from the fridge. A glass of ice and she poured in two “Marshal 150” bottles. She gave it to Laph, “Drink this, it will make you fell better and I will make you some breakfast,” said Pet. Laph took a couple of sips, it was similar to Red Bull, very sweet, but refreshing. Pet set about preparing something on the stove. In no time a bowl of Kao Tom Gai (chicken rice soup) was put in front of Laph. He had never had soup for breakfast before but it looked good and smelt delicious. It had rice, small pieces of chicken in broth with deep fried onion and chopped shallots on top. Laph tucked in, it tasted fantastic.
Doug emerged from the bedroom in his jocks lighting a cigarette. Laph stared at Doug, he resembled a skeleton with the skin stretched over. “Put some clothes on, Doug, you make Knun Laph scare,” said Pet. Doug went back to the bedroom and came out wearing Pets floral dressing gown. This startled Laph more than when Doug was half naked, as he was still a bit gun shy re men dressed up as ladies. “I see the missus has got you sorted,” said Doug.
“Yes it was very good and I feel just about human again,” said Laph. “Doug I was thinking, I might pack up and seek out the Chao Phraya River for some fishing,” Laph explained.
“All ya will catch there big man is a dead soi dog,” laughed Doug.
“Well, it’s just that I don’t think this style of life is really for me,” said Laph.
“Listen, Laph, what about we take it easy today and we will go and have lunch at a Irish pub, get you on the straight and narrow, then you can make your decision, plus you will meet a couple of my expat mates,” Doug said.
“Ok Doug but my mind is made up, I think,” replied Laph.
They showered and dressed. Laph again in the McLevies and a new flannelette shirt.
“Listen here McTavish we have to change your dress, you’ll get the piss taken otherwise,” Doug explained.
“What do ya mean?” said Laph, looking a little hurt.
“Well, ya stand out like dogs balls in the moonlight as a first timer. We will go down the road and get you fitted out,” Doug said.
Laph wasn’t too sure about this, as his budget was limited, and he didn’t want to be spending money on expensive clothes.
Doug and Laph caught a taxi down to Soi 22 and pulled up outside a tailor shop. They entered the shop with a bell ringing as they closed the door. Laph welcomed the cool air conditioning as he looked around at the different coloured rolls of cloth. An Indian Sikh wearing a black turban rushed towards them, “Welcome, welcome, sir!” said the Sikh, rubbing his hands.
"We need some good clothes for the big man here,” said Doug.
“Oh yes sir we have the very best here, this is number one shop, I’m telling you sir, I have very best material, very best, I'm telling you sir, cotton from Egypt, wool from Australia, the very best sir!” the grovelling Indian explained.
“Listen Babboo just cut the shit and get McTavish here a nice pair of pants and a shirt off the rack,” Doug said.
The Indian tailor fired off instructions to a small Thai man who was quietly standing at the back of the shop. A great array of slacks, shirts and pairs of shoes were brought out. The tailor took one look at Laph’s hiking boots and decided that shoes were number one on the shopping list.
After some time getting the right size Laph stood there in dark brown slacks with light checked shirt and tan leather shoes. It proved the theory wrong that you can’t make a silk purse out of a pig’s ear! Laph looked the part.
“Listen Doug this is all great but I have a tight budget and this lot I can't afford,” explained Laph.
“Take it easy McTavish, wait till ya hear the price,” said Doug.
“Maybe sir would like 3 more shirts and some different coloured slacks? I make very good and quick, they be ready tomorrow,” said the tailor, rubbing his hands furiously.
“Just give us the price on this lot and the lowest price ok?” said Doug.
“Yes, yes sir,” replied the tailor, as he quickly tapped the calculator, “6500 baht sir, this very special price for you sir,” said the tailor.
“ Ya dreaming ya elephant ridin thief, get the clothes off, Laph, we're out of here,” said Doug.
Laph though the price was quite reasonable. It would have cost double that in Scotland.
“Ok, ok sir , you give me 5000 baht, this very good price for you,” said the Tailor.
“Give you 4000 baht ya thieving curry muncher” said Doug.
“Oh sir I can not, I not make money! Oh sir, please, I have a big family, and have many school bills,” whined the tailor.
“ Well, you shouldn’t have shagged so much ya dirty devil. I give 4500 baht and not a penny more,” said Doug.
The Tailor madly tapped his calculator, emulating someone who was working out the GNP of the UK, all show as the tailor new exactly his cut off point.
“Ok, Ok, I give you this price, but I make no money. I do this because I like English man, and you come back again sir,” pleaded the tailor.
“Yer right, maybe you’ll tell the truth when your head stops wobbling,” said Doug under his breath.
Laph stayed in the new clothes and the tailor packed his old attire in a brown bag. “Thank you sir, thank you, you come back again. They stepped outside, “Cut ole Baboo down to size, hay Mc Tavish?” said Doug proudly.
“Aye that ya did, ya got good price worthy of any Scotchman,” Laph said, happy with his bargain. The Tailor closed the door and grinned, another successful sale with a healthy profit, he thought, “I should be in Bollywood, I am a good actor, no?” he asked the Thai assistant.
"You should be jail you big lizard,” thought the Thai assistant, as he retreated to the back of the store.
Laph and Doug set off to Washington square, an old expat hangout with a few run down bars. Doug explained that the bars were frequented by Americans, English and Aussies. Generally oil field or construction workers, more laid back than Soi Cowboy and Nana Plaza. A lot of fun could be had here but sometimes it resembled god’s waiting room in certain bars! At the end of Washington Square was the Dubliner an Irish style pub. Doug and Laph walked in, sat near the window facing Sukhumvit road. A stunning Thai girl came up and asked for their order, Laph was awe struck, didn’t take long, Laph’s eyes glassed over. “Sawadi Kar, Knun Doug” said Moon. “Sawadi Krup Moon, this is a pal of mine Knun Laph,” Doug replied. “Please to meet you Knun Laph, you come Bangkok first time?” said Moon. “Yes I arrived on Wednesday,” replied Laph. “Wecome, Knun Laph, I hope you enjoy,” said Moon. Laph was taken by Moon, she had a very pretty radiant face, with a charming nature. Laph surveyed the surrounds of the pub, it was the same as any pub in the UK. There were mainly foreigners, it made him feel a little more at ease and thoughts of leaving started to fade. Especially after seeing Moon and the other girls, he felt safe that he wasn’t going to be attacked, this was just a normal pub. His nervousness subsided as he read the extensive menu.
Laph was tucking into beef and Guinness pie like it was going out of fashion. Doug had sausages and mash, but only just picked at it. Laph could see why Doug was so thin. Laph finished off his lunch and washed the remains of his meal down with a Kilkenny. “That was just great Doug,” said Laph. As he drained the last of his pint, “I get another, Laph, as it looks like you're coming good,” Doug said. “I feel great, Doug, but it still doesn’t change my mind. I will make plans to return to Scotland on Monday."
A well dressed ginger haired Irishman came in and sat down at their table, without saying hello, just talking flat out about this Thai bus driver that cut him off while he was driving. “This Laph McTavish, Don,” said Doug. “Nice to meet ya Laph,” said Don, not missing a beat and continuing to tell the bus driver story. You and your bitch with bus drivers. Why don’t you just get a taxi?” Doug said. “Fuck taxis to they are just as bad,” said Don. Laph sized Don up, he was a well dressed person who looked like he didn’t take any shit and was switched on. Don looked at the menu and rattled off in fluent Thai his order. Don Penny had been in Thailand running his own business for 10 years now. He was a successful architect and worked on some of the biggest buildings in Thailand.
“So what are you doing here, Laph, working?” asked Don.
“Just on a break to do some fishing and hiking, Don” Laph explained.
Don burst out laughing, “Ya killing me, Laph. What do you do for a crust,” asked Don.
"Leaves his underpants on for week,” laughed Doug.
Don and Laph both looked at Doug not laughing. Doug cut his laughter short and drank his beer.
“I’m a Quantity Surveyor, Don,” explained Laph.
“Really, that’s interesting, as you would know Thailand is going mad with building. 1991 is going to big.”
Laph didn’t know, but nodded with professional air.
"I need a QS rather urgently, would you be interested in working here Laph?” asked Don.
“I don’t know whether I could stay here It's a little rough for me. I was thinking of leaving soon,” said Laph.
“Where have you been taking him Doug?” asked Don
“Just to the usual, Cowboy and the Plaza,” said Doug.
“No wonder you want to leave, Laph, that’s a baptism of fire. I thought you would have been easy on him!”
“I was just giving him the usual tour,” said Doug, looking a little hurt.
Laph could see that Don and Doug were chalk and cheese.
“Well, after here we will go to my office on Soi 33. I will show you a few projects I’m working on, then for a drink in the area. The bars there will be much more to your liking Laph,” explained Don.
They spent the afternoon at the Dubliner sipping on their Kilkenny’s and Guinnesses, talking about business and Thailand in general. Laph was enjoying the afternoon, and was slowly changing his mind about things. Don was gradually talking Laph into staying and interviewing him at the same time. Don knew of the same people that Laph had worked for and would follow up with a phone call to check, but he had come to the conclusion that Laph was fairly straight and good at his job. Don was sick of employing losers who came to Thailand and reinvented themselves. Having to ring every morning to wake them up, that’s if he could find them, lending money and advancing wages, he was sick of it. Laph might be the answer to his prayers.
Don led Laph and Doug down Soi 33 to his office. The soi was quiet except for the traffic, most of the bars were not open, and few girls were buying food at the stalls along the street. Laph noticed that the street was a bit up-market compared to where he had been. There were nice looking Italian and Thai restaurants and cocktail bars. They entered Don's office, which was next to a bar called Goya, in fact most of the bars on the street were named after painters. Don explained to Laph about an up and coming project to build a Sheraton Hotel on Sukhumvit and all the problems involved. Laph made some suggestions that impressed Don. Poor Doug tried to keep up and add his five cents worth but didn’t have a clue, Doug had enough and was in need of a drink, “I’ll meet you in Renoir, all this work talk is making me tired,” moaned Doug. “Why don’t you employ Doug?” asked Laph once Doug left. “Well, I think you can work that out for yourself. Poor ole Doug is about as useful as an ashtray on a motor bike when it comes to QS work,” said Don. “Aye, ya may be right there, Don. Anyway give me the weekend to think about it,” said Laph. “Well, if you say yes, I can give you five a month for a six month trial and renegotiate after that,” explained Don. “Sounds ok, leave it with me for a bit please, Don,” said Laph.
They left Don's office for the Renoir just a couple of doors down. Don thought he would do a bit of work on Laph tonight to seal the decision. Entering the court yard of the Renoir, they were met by two stunning Thai ladies in evening dress who performed a graceful wai, “Sawadi kar” they both said in unison. Laph followed Don in, tripping over the step while staring at the girls. The Renoir was a up-market cocktail lounge full of beautiful hostesses, all in evening dresses. Laph had only seen places like this in movies and was awe struck. Seated at the bar next to Doug they were handed cold scented towels while their drink orders were taken. Large JW black label and sodas were delivered promptly. Don was saying his hellos to the entire bar staff as if he had known them all his life. Laph was just trying to take it all in. One girl called Pie served Laph his drink, noticed that he was in dreamland, pointed to Laph’s shirt front, “Nee alai?” (what is this) asked Pie, with a cheeky grin on her face. Laph didn’t understand the Thai but got the idea and reacted immediately, looked down thinking that the remains of his beef and Guinness pie were on his new shirt front. Pie quickly brought her finger up catching Laph under the nose, grinned, turned and walked down the bar swaying her hips in a movie style fashion. Laph went bright red and felt a little stupid, but was pleased with the attention, even though it was only a joke. “You gotta watch them, Laph, they’re cheeky buggers,” laughed Don, “That one especially. She’s a bit of a prick teaser and plays hard to get. I don’t know anyone who has managed to ask her out. It's different here, the girls are not really bar type girls as such. If they want to go out with you it will be only for a meal etc. To get them in the pit you will have to do a fair bit of ground work,” explained Don.
“Stuck up moles if you asked me,” said Doug.
“A lot of expat's marry girls from here and other bars along the street,” said Don.
“Aye I don’t plan to marry, but a challenge always interests me,” said Laph.
Don introduced all the bar staff to Laph. There was Pie, Nak, Poe, Ae, and Moo the dishwasher, who was a large lady sitting washing glasses at the end of the bar.
They relaxed, knocking back drinks in the happy hour, or more correctly, happy hours. The place filled with expats and Thai business people. Laph was being introduced to many of Don's friends working in Bangkok, and after numerous conversations he realised that it wasn’t such a bad place after all. “I quite like this bar, especially that lovely lass over there,” Laph said, indicating to Pie. With hearing like a fox Pie spun around and said, “So, what do you like about me?” in perfect English. “Er well I was just saying,” stuttered Laph, again turning crimson. “You don’t know me, Laph, I might have a black heart,” said Pie grinning. “Why don’t you come over this side of the bar and tell Laph all about Thailand,” asked Don. “Maybe,” said Pie, turning away and attending another customer. Laph continued on drinking with Don and Doug, hanging onto the slimmest hope that Pie might come and sit with him. After some time Laph turned around and was startled to find Pie next to him. “So what do you want to talk about?” said Pie, with piercing brown eyes that speared into Laph’s brain. “Er, well I don’t really know,” Laph said, racking his brain on what to start a conversation on. “Well ,if you don’t know I don’t know," said Pie, staring Laph out without blinking and trying not to laugh. All other girls were watching Pie at work, she was a master at teasing. Laph though quickly, “Where do you come from?” asked Laph. “Pak Jan (the moon)," replied Pie still staring, now inches from his face with her hands behind her back. Laph now was on a 30 degree body angle about to fall off his bar stool. “I’m sure that’s a lovely province of Thailand,” said Laph. A few of the girls smothered their giggles. She had him on the back foot now it was time for the coup de gra. “And you, Knun Laph, where do you come from?” said Pie seductively, getting her face closer to Laph’s. Laph was now straining, stomach muscles trying to hang on the body now at about 45 degrees. “Well, er, I come from Scotland,” squeaked Laph. “Well, how do you do Knun Laph from Scotland?” said Pie quickly, putting her hand out inviting a hand shake. Laph reach out to shake her hand, but just as he was about to grab her hand, Pie pulled hers away and brushed back her hair. Laph tried to save grace by raising his hand but ending up falling over backwards off his stool. ‘What bloody hell ya doing, Laph?” said Don laughing. “He’s a bit prone to this, I’ll have to tell ya,” said Doug. Laph slowly extracted himself from the floor. Pie pinched Laph on the ribs making him jump. “I like you also, Knun Laph,” Pie said, departing the scene and taking a couple of “low fives” from the passing staff.
All of a sudden the lights went dim, its was either that or the whiskey has kicked in thought Laph. Happy hour was over and the prices all doubled. Don suggested that they all go to the Pong. “Where’s that?” asked Laph. “Pat Pong, one of the first entertainment areas in Bangkok, plus I need to eat. There’s a good French restaurant where we can get a reasonable red wine” explained Don. “That sounds ok to me” replied Laph, who thought it was a good time to cut his losses and exit stage right in case Pie got to him again. Even though Pie had chopped him down to size, she excited Laph and he would have to return to regain some face. They left the Renoir with the girls escorting them outside, Soi 33 was alive with all the bars lit up and numerous pretty hostesses positioned outside to lure customers in.
They walk to the car park behind Renoir and proceeded to Patpong in Don’s car. Laph wasn’t too sure who was worse, the Isarn Taxi driver or Don! Don was driving through the traffic like Thai Native, but swearing at all bus drivers and his main aim was to beat all of them. This was an impossible task as there was a bus every 100 meters, all going in the same direction and appearing to on the same route with no schedule. There were stops but people got off when they pleased even if it was to hold up all of the traffic that had just gained momentum from the traffic lights. They entered into a small Soi in Patpong and parked in an upstairs car park near “Bobby’s Arms Pub”. “What’s this place like?” asked Laph. “Not bad for an English nosh” answered Doug. “That’s if you like English food” replied Don shooting Doug down a bit.
They exited the car park into Patpong 2 and walked through the outdoor bars and restaurants. Towards the end of the Soi they walked into the La Brushcutter French restaurant. A small but chic French eatery run by a non excitable chap called Mario. Laph though it to be a strange name for a French man. “Bon Jour Missour” said Laph with a French Scottish accent. “Er what do you say, you strange Scottish man?” asked Mario looking into Laphs eyes for some glimmer of hope. “I was just trying to practice my French” explained Laph. “Well my tubby scotch man please leave the French to the French and I promise I wont wear, er how say, er the Kilt” Mario said. Taking Laph by the arm he sat him down at the bar. “Now my young fellow will you join me in chartreuse?” asked Mario. “Yes that would be nice Mario” Laph said trying to regain some ground but not having a clue what Chartreuse was. “Not for me Mario I have a red wine please” said Don. “Me to thanks said Doug. If Doug didn’t drink it, what was this stuff, Laph thought. A shot glass of Chartreuse was poured out, a light green volatile liquid. The girl serving reminded Laph of Lara Croft, Thai style. She giggled as she caught Laph looking at her. Laph was quite taken by her but did not get himself excited, as he told himself he was dreaming if he thought he could have a girlfriend like this. “Salute” said Mario knocking back the shot in one hit. Laph followed suit and downed the shot. It took about 5 seconds for the fire water to kick in, but when it did it came with a vengeance. Laph thought he had been poisoned. He could’nt breath and when he tried to get a breath all he managed to get was fumes. His mouth was on fire and his eyes were watering. Laph tried not to cough but he snorted instead, scarring Som, the Lara Croft look alike. She backed up and readied the bar towel in case he erupted as he was now looking the same colour as lava! Som handed Laph a glass of water, still giggling hiding her mouth with her hand. There was something about this Farang that tickled her, she wanted to talk with him but was too shy.
Laph, Doug and Don enjoyed a memorable meal ordered by Mario. Laph demolishing a plate of frog legs in seconds. “The frog legs are to you liking Mr. Laph no?” asked Mario while he was preparing steak tarter at the table. “Frog legs? I though it was chicken wings” exclaimed Laph. “Sacre Bleu” Mario said striking his forehead and walking back to the kitchen. After polishing off a bottle of wine and a few scotches they paid the bill and walked to Patpong one.
Laph trotted along behind getting stopped by all the sex show touts. Don pushed Laph in front .” Come on lad we will never get where we going” said Don. There were many Go Go bars, Laph checking all the girls as they passed, dancing on the poles. Don led Laph into the Zebra bar. They were directed to the back of the bar by a beautiful hostess. Rock and roll music seem to be the order of the day and Laph was in his element as he loved all the old rock and roll. As they settled down with their drinks, checking out the two girls dancing in fluorescent bikini’s. A beautiful dark girl greeted Don . “This is the Amazon Women Laph” Don introducing the girl. The dark girl said nothing just moved over to Laph and wedged herself between his legs and ruffled his hair. Laph was a little dumbfounded with his hair now resembling a punk rocker. Amazon was different that the other Thai girls she appeared to have some farang blood, maybe African American, thought Laph. No matter what she was, Laph had a hard on that a dog couldn’t chew!
“Would like a drink” asked Laph. Amazon just smiled and checked Laph’s bill cup number and slinked off to the bar, exaggerating swaying her hip’s. Laph could take his eyes of the beautiful long dark legs and bum cheeks protruding from her shorts. It reminded Laph of a couple of hamsters having a fight in a bag! “Now ya getting the idea Mc Tavish” said Doug. They stayed until closing at 2 am, listening to some great music and knocking back JW black sodas. “Well Mc Tavish you going take away or eat here” asked Doug as he broke up Laph and the Amazon woman in a lip lock. “Do ya think she would come with me?” asked Laph. “No she just a very affectionate waitress” said Don sarcastically with a grin on his face. “Of cause you can ya pillick, just pay the bar and we’re off” said Doug. The bar was paid and the Amazon woman left to get changed. “Aye ya gunna have ya hands full there” Don Laughed. “Have you taken her home?” asked Laph, hoping not. “no no never” replied Don and Doug together , trying to conceal their lie. The Amazon returned dressed in skin tight jeans with a white stretched top with a bare mid drift. “fecking hell that’s hot” said Doug. Laph just nodded mouth open. They staggered out into the street Laph and the Amazon arm in arm. The soi was amass with workers. Clanging of poles and the revving of forklifts filled the Soi as they dismantled all the street stalls. Don excused him self and reminded Laph that he would need an answer on Monday about the job. Doug, Laph and Amazon walked across Silom road to the noodle vendors on Soi Convent. “We’ll get snack before going home” said Doug. They sat down on small plastic stools around a rickety table, the Amazon woman ordered. In no time 3 bowls of hot noodle soup was delivered. Amazon doctored hers and Laph’s with sugar, fish sauce, chilli and Basil leaves. Laph was trying to capture the slippery noodles with the chop sticks and just managed to get a little in the mouth but the most ended up in his lap. Amazon changed his chopsticks for a fork and spoon. He had a little more success but not much, Amazon proceeded to feed him. He felt like a little boy sitting on this small stool getting fed. They paid the bill, a totally of 120 baht, Laph wondered how they actually could make any money. In the taxi on the way home Laph tried to strike up a conversation but Amazon just smiled and ruffled his hair. “She doesn’t speak any English and a girl of few words” explained Doug. An ideal woman thought Laph.
Once back at Doug’s apartment, Amazon headed straight for the shower. “I’ll see ya in the morning Mc Tavish if ya still alive” Doug said as he staggered off to bed. Laph was getting a little concerned, what could this dark sultry Amazon do to him? As Amazon left the bathroom with only a towel, Laph nervously opened the door to the spare bedroom for her. Laph showered and return to find a beautiful dark body laying seductively on white sheets, with her hair spread in a fan over the pillow, such a contrast Laph thought. He switched off the light and quickly hopped into bed. The Amazon woman sprung like a cat and leaped on top of him, before Laph could react, she had a hand full of hair and ears. Laph was trying to let out a squeal but nothing would come out. She bit him hard on the neck, this time Laph let out a loud “Fuck!”. She tightened her grip and proceeded to bit him all the way down to his naval. Laph did not know whether to cut his losses and run or try and ride it out. Amazon reached down and grabbed his plonker like she was going to twist it off. “Aye will slow down a wee bit lass” Laph squeaked with absolute fear in his eyes. She mounted him in the swatting position with her frizzy hair dishevelled covering her face, while nails claw gripped his male breasts. Laph would have normally blown his bolt by now but the fear had put a temporary halt on his plumbing. She pumped up and down on him vigorously like an epileptic rabbit, while swinging her head side to side whipping his face with her hair. Sweat was trickling down her cleavage as her breasts swayed to and fro. Laph was wondering whether his old fellow would wear out before he came. She reached behind her self and grabbed a hand full of his goolies, this was the trigger and Laph unleashed. He was about to scream out in ecstasy but she clamped down on his mouth with hers cutting him off, all that was heard was a muffled whimper.
Laph collapsed spread eagled on the bed trying to get his breath, he had survived. Amazon had left for the toilet and Laph drifted off into the sleep of the dead.
Laph may have been converted, the drug had taken hold, if he doesn’t leave now he will never leave Thailand.
© Zob65. All rights reserved by the author.
Print Article
Send to a friend
Save as PDF