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Laph slowly stirred in bed, reluctantly opened his eyes gingerly looking next to him for the Amazon Woman. The space next to him was bare except a lone long black hair across the pillow. He rose slowly, he felt like he had gone 10 rounds with Mike Tyson and hobbled off to the bathroom. After defuelling last nights booze, Laph check himself out in the mirror to see if he was still all intact. “Jesus fecking Christ” Laph said aloud. Laph had love bites down his neck, a set of claw marks on each breast, along with various bruises and scratches all over his torso. He looks like he had been in a war zone! He held his stomach in and peered down at the wedding tackle, with a sigh of relief it was still all in one piece, other than a bit of bark missing here and there.

As he staggered back to the bedroom Laph wondered where his bed partner had gone. He then thought “my wallet!” Laph raced into the bedroom checking his trousers for his wallet, nothing! He hurriedly checked all his clothing finding nothing, thoughts raced through his mind about his credit cards etc, what would he do. Hands on his head he sighed “farrrck”! Just then on the dressing table he spotted his wallet with a small jasmine flower on top. He quickly checked all compartments, everything was still there. There was a small note written on the back of a foodland receipt next to his wallet. Written in very neat but badly spelt was, “Tank yu I have a good time I tak my baby to skool. I take 1500 baht I soory, cum see me soon. Luv Ple xxx”.

Laph had a pang of guilt about all the bad things he had just thought. He was taken aback by the honesty of the Amazon woman, she could have taken 10,000 baht, a month’s wages for her, out of the wallet. Laph sat on the bed starring at his wallet weighing up what has happened over the past few days. He had not seen a newspaper, no thoughts of new taxes, laws or some do gooder saying we all should kiss gay whales. He had not seen a fight, which was why he never went to bars in Scotland, everyone seemed happy. He had come to Thailand to hike and fish as an escape from Agnes’s clutches and hints of marriage. To escape from the nagging family and the miserable Scottish weather. He hadn’t gone hiking and fishing but he had escaped plus it was more fun! Laph had had more shags in 3 days than he had had in 3 years!

Laph had decided he would stay and take up Dons offer of work. He would need to move away from Doug, a nice bloke but being with him could lead to a downhill slide. Laph decided that he would ask Doug to help him get suitable accommodation nearby and then front up at Dons office Monday morning. Laph made a pact with himself that he would knuckle down to work and save his pennies. He would restrict his entertainment to one or two nights a week thus saving money to finance further travels.

Laph showered and dressed, went out to the kitchen to meet Doug. Pet was cooking while Doug clutched a coffee amongst a cloud of cigarette smoke. “Morning lad” said Doug. “Sawadi Kar Khun Laph, are you hungry?” asked Pet. “Good morning all, yes Pet I could eat a horse” replied Laph. “We have no horse, only Kao Pat Gai” (fried rice with chicken), said Pet. “not nice to eat horse Khun Laph, horse for Sanuk (fun) on the beach at Hua Hin” said Pet. “Yeh its great fun walking on the beach stepping in horse shit”! said Doug. “You too Kii Mao (shit drunk) to see it that’s why”! Replied Pet. Laph interrupted before a full scale argument broke out. “I’m sorry Pet I was joking and I would love to try what ever it is that you’re cooking, it smells delicious. “ See Khun Mao (Mr Drunk) why can’t you have manners like Khun Laph”. “Hope you get a splinter on ya arse from ya broom stick” mumbles Doug under his breath. “What you say” threatened Pet waving her spatula at Doug. “I’ll pass on the rice or I might be sick, that’s all I said” exclaimed Doug putting on a hurt look. Looking sceptical Pet served up the kao pat gai to Laph. “I think I will take Don up on his offer Doug and stay for a while”. “That’s grand Lad we will get to talk more about some business ideas I have, and you can camp her for next to no rent” said Doug hopefully. “ Thank you Doug but I would like to get out and rent a place on my own, If you could assist me I would be very grateful”. “Are you sure Laph you could stay a little longer here until you get your bearings” Doug said, again hopefully. Keeping Mc Tavish close would keep Pet on his side and a chance of finance to start his bar. “Thanks for the offer Doug but I would like to be independent and get out of your hair” said Laph. “I have a friend who looks after some apartments Khun Laph, she might help” offered Pet. “That would be grand thanks Pet” said Laph.

Pets old Mamasan ran a serviced apartment on Soi 22 Sukhumvit called Liberty Place and she would get a nice finders fee if Laph took the apartment. She instructed Doug to take him down to Soi 22 ASAP. Doug and Laph took a taxi to Liberty Place and met the landlady Touy. The landlady was a real veteran, worked as a gogo dancer, then bar girl and a mamasan in Soi Cowboy. She now managed Liberty Place for a Police General who was an old boy friend. She showed Laph and Doug a number of apartments, most were looking tired and run down but there were some new studio types at the rear of the complex available. Laph wasn’t completely satisfied but it would do as a starting base, plus the price was right at 12,000 bath per month. Touy would make a little for herself on this deal even though she gave Laph a discount because of Pet. She gave Laph the ground rules after he signed up and paid the 2 months rent in advance. “No parties, no loud music, no dogs, and no Katoeys” Touy explained. “That wont be a problem” Laph replied. “Any Baa baa ba bore girls cause a problem then you out on your arse, comprendi pompooi (cuddly)”? “No problem madam” said Laph. “Don’t call me madam I not work that job anymore”! “Just call me Touy and don’t call me late to pay the rent”! She laughed with a high pitch cackle as she waddled off. “Thank you Touy” Laph called after her. “Yeh yeh, thank you’s don’t pay the rent moo lek (little pig)” she mumbles waving her hands in the air. Laph was happy and felt a little more secure, he even liked old Touy despite her rough manner.

Laph and Doug walked up to Washington Square. “Let’s have a beer to celebrate” says Doug. “Good Idea” exclaimed Laph. They turned into the square and Doug led Laph into the first bar “, Bar None. “What are you doin here ya ugly Scottish prick! Yelled this large Welshman in shorts and sandals. “Hi Ray, this is mate of mine Laph Mc Tavish” said Doug introducing Laph to the owner Ray. “Aye that’s all we need is another fooking Scotchman”! Yelled Ray. Laph wasn’t too sure how to take this lunatic, he would just follow Doug and keep quite. They ordered 2 Singas and sat down at the island bar. “Oy you two get ya pussies down here and take care of these two scotch fuckers”! yelled Ray at two seasoned girls lounging in one of the booths. They slowly got up and sauntered over to Doug and Laph, clipping Ray under the ear as they passed. “Get orff ya daft moles” winced Ray who continued to play pool. Ray did a lot of yelling and screaming at the staff but they all seem oblivious to it and just continued on doing what they wanted.

Ray finished his pool and proceeded to tell Laph and Doug how many people he beat on the table today. He sat down and brought Laph and Doug a beer and continued to carry on about the bar and customers that gave him the shits the night before. “What ya doin here Mc Tavish”? Asked Ray. “I started on holidays and decided to stay and work here” answered Laph. “Oy up another lamb to the slaughter” laughed Ray out loud. “What do you do other than being a pervert like me” asked Ray with a grin on his face. “Er I’m a Quantity Surveyor” answered Laph. “Bloody hell, how about surveying this” Ray said as he lifted one of the girl’s skirts. Laph regarded Ray as a crude loud Welshman, but a likable rogue in small doses. Taffy continued to talking without a breath between subjects. He explained how he was going to start a fish and chip shop with bar girls serving in skimpy clothes. Then how he was going to start a room up stairs called the chicken coop where all the girls would reside and would be available 24hrs a day for entertainment. Rays wife came out from behind the bar with large pieces of tissue stuck out her ears. “Don’t worry about him, he same Soi dog, all bark and no bite” she remarked twisting Rays ear. The entire bar broke out into laughter and gave Ray’s wife a clap. “Get back in ya box an eat ya somtam ya daft bitch” yelled Ray. She walked back to the bar with a swagger that claimed victory.

Laph was being massaged vigorously and felt like a piece of jelly he was that supple. The girl had tried to head south to get a hold of his plonker but Laph was up to speed now and caught her hand. Laph was still worn out from the last night’s sexercise! It was about lunch time so Doug suggested that they change bars and get something to eat at the Texas Bar. They paid the bar bill and departed while Ray was in the toilet so they didn’t get trapped. They walked through the square amongst the food vendors, dodging Tuk Tuks that raced around the square then turned into the Texan bar. The bar was square in shape, with booths either side. There were 10-15 patrons sitting at the bar and a few in the booths. As they walked in a large old chap with pony tail hairdo and a walking stick said “Afternoon young man”. “Hi George” said Doug. “The special is meat loaf, I made it fresh this morning” George the owner said. Well he may have given the cooks the recipe 28 years ago when he started his bar in Bangkok but definitely didn’t cook it himself. George had the cook Mafia for that, 3 sisters, Chief Cookie, Cookie, and Baby Cookie. All produced good western food from a small run down kitchen. Baby Cookie was also known for having the biggest tits in the bar and in fact the entire square. She often proudly displayed them after serving your hamburger if you brought her a drink! Laph checked out the bar, it was covered in paraphernalia about Texas, photos, saddles, spurs and a great cape buffalo head mounted on the wall. Jim Reeves and Tammy Wynette where battling it out in a duet on the stereo. “Turn that goddam music up” yelled old George. It must be part of the qualifications of a bar owner to yell, thought Laph.

Doug and Laph sat down, ordered beers and the special of the day. “How much is the special”? Laph asked Doug checking his Baht, as the apartment rent left him a little short of ready cash. “A Kings ransom young man, 85 baht” said Old George, who may have turned 80 years old this year, but had hearing like a fox. “Don’t know how you can serve soup, salad, meat loaf and veggies for that price said Laph astounded. “ I’ll charge ya more if it’s bothering you”! Said George with a smile on his face. “ Aye no, that will be fine thank you” said Laph A middle aged American English teacher sitting at the bar said “why do you charge 45 baht for your diet cokes, when ya can get em at 7 Eleven for 13 baht “? “Well fuck off down to 7 Eleven and get ya diet coke, and see if ya can grab one of those girls arses”! barked old George. The teacher beaten puts his head down and finishes his meat loaf.

Laph and Doug enjoyed their meal and washed it down with a couple of cold beers. One of the girls was giving Laph the eye, she was a tall girl with a Japanese type face. Laph gave her a small grin and she smiled back and slowly walked over. “Sawadi Kar my name Toy” said the girl. “Hi Toy my names Laph” said Mc Tavish staring, taken in by her beauty. “Hubba Hubba Miss Toy,” said Old George. Toy giggled shyly and continued to massage Laph’s shoulders. “That girl will make you think you are in heaven” said George stamping his walking stick. “Can I buy you a drink”? asked Laph. “Are the Kennedy’s gun shy, of course she wants a drink”? Doug laughed. “Kop Khun Car” replied Toy and wander off to get her drink. She came back with a shot of Mae Kong whiskey and a cola. “Chalk Dee Khun Laugh” said Toy and downed the shot in one gulp. “Shit”! thought Laph this girl can drink. Old George stood up to leave, “Take care young man I will see you tomorrow, were having ribs and beans for the special, don’t be late”! George’s driver had the car ready and opened the door, Chief Cookie and Cookie escorted him out. All deposited George in the car with a tiffkin of food, they treated him like a king, which he was, the king of their domain for the past 28 years.

Laph and Toy continued into the afternoon drink for drink. Doug was bending some ones ear about a business deal of his, getting louder and drunker each hour. Laph decided it would be a good idea if they left now to go to Doug’s place to get his gear and move down to Liberty. “What’s ya rush plenty of time” said Doug. Laph could see stuffing up his first day at the office tomorrow. “I’ve gotta go and get organised Doug” pleaded Laph. “I’ll help” Toy chipped in. “Yeh get Miss Toy to help you, I’m in the middle of something”. In other words Doug had found a sucker and wanted to stay. Laph paid the bar for Toy and left the bar bill for Doug. “I’ll fix you up later Doug for the bill” said Laph. Doug dismissed him with a wave of the hand.

Toy, with instructions from Doug, took Laph in a taxi via the ATM to Doug’s apartment. Toy packed all Laph’s clothes and tidied up the room. McTavish was amazed how hard she worked and the care she had taken packing his case. Any girl in Scotland would have told you to go forth and fornicate if you asked her to help with packing your bag, Laph thought. They travelled back to Laph’s new apartment and Toy hung all his clothes up and cleaned the room.

Laph had worked up a sweat and decided to have a shower, before venturing back to the Texan bar. Whilst in the shower, the door opened and Toy entered. Laph was going to refuse her advances, but when she dropped her towel, Laph could not refuse her beautiful body. She came in the shower cubical and lathered up Laph all over and soon Laph was all barred up. “Oh my Buddha” said Toy as she grabbed hold of Laph’s plonker. That was it there was a flurry of soap, towels and water as they tried to get into a suitable position. Laph emerged sweating more than when he went in! After they dressed, Toy took Laph’s laundry to be washed and pressed at a little place on the way to Washington square. Laph went into 7 Eleven and purchased some items to see him through the next 2 days. Toy collected Laph heading the wrong way up Soi 22 and led him back to Washington square.

In the Texan Doug was stooped over the bar with his new found friend. Both were full as a fat girls socks and Laph could not make head or tail of what they were talking about. “Oy Mc Tavish, get the fuck over here” Doug slurred. Laph ordered a Black Soda and sat next to Doug. “You’ve been shagging again ya dirty bugger haven’t ya” yelled Doug. “No no Toy just helped me move my stuff into the apartment” lied Laph. “Goh hok”! said Baby Cookie serving Laph his drink. “Yer I’m with her, bullshit”! said Doug. “Come on lets hit the Cowboy lad and get liquored up”! said Doug. “I think you have beaten me to it, I might have an early night to be ready for tomorrow” said Laph. “Or right then ya wimp, I’ll see ya tomorrow” Doug said defeated. Laph paid his bill and said goodbye to Doug. Toy came running up as Laph was leaving the bar, “Bai duey” (go together) said Toy. Laph could not refuse her in front of her friends and agreed. They left arm in arm out of the square.

Tomorrow was again the first day in the rest of Laph’s life. Can he cut it in Bangkok? Can he maintain the discipline as an expat and not fall in to the Bangkok vat of broken lost souls? This was yet to be seen…..

 

© Zob65. All rights reserved by the author.