The Dana Contest

Greetings Thailandstoryites, hepcats, expats, newbies, expired Visas, and Dana fans. Sink to your knees, lift up your heads to the sky, and shout Eureka with spittle flecked lips. A new feature is coming to Thailandstories.com. It is called The Dana Contest. Go ahead, start jacking off; I know how you feel.

The Dana Contest (TDC) will post four Dana submission titles and an equal number of Dana quotes. Match the titles to the quotes and you are a winner. Who loves you baby? Don't worry, even the brain stem challenged (aka Aussies) can play. You say you're from Sydney and you have forgotten how to spell bilabong? No worries mate. I'll only use quotes and titles that have already entered the worldwide lexicon of brilliant cut crystal literary shards, and titles so well known and admired that mothers are using them as names for their children. Next time you are in Eritrea and you meet a child named My Nuts you will know how it happened.

Anyway, to inaugurate this new Thailandstories.com feature the following four titles and the following four quotes are posted. Just match the quotes to the titles and email to ThaillandstoriesDanaContest.com attention Mike or Mo. One entry per monger and only one entry per monger family. No entries accepted from the French, turban heads, dot heads, Koreans, Chinese, or the 'Stans' (Youfxxxistan, Yousmellistan, etc.). White Russians from Leningrad are ok. I think you can see from these rules that this new literary Internet feature is barbed wire in your underpants serious so no fooling around guys. We also have encryption programming in place to eliminate wild ass guessing. You have to read the stories.

Quotes:

1. "Then the battle started on that bitter cold morning above the frozen river and below the morning moon."
2. "Lines of meridian no longer shunt electrical signals with regularity, and the body starts to retrench like a Burrough's junkie."
3. "God bless the literate flirt."
4. "Last year I had contracted to deliver a cargo of condoms, piano keys, alpacas, chilies, fried roaches, monks, and virgins to the Siamese Sultan of the Kubla Khan whose pink coral castle guarded the Sundra Strait."

Titles:

1. Devil's Temptation
2. Trumpet
3. Simian Lope
4. Reincarnation Moon

Ok, can you see how this game is played? Fun huh? Besides wallowing in literary pleasure like an Essan dung beetle in a giant steaming soi dog turd there is also the opportunity here to be a winner. Be the first to match paragraphs and titles and email it to a ThailandstoriesDanaContest.com admininstrator and you will receive a $100 Dana bill (a US $100 bill with Benjamin Franklin's head cut out and my head substituted). So start reading Thailandstories.com. Sweet Jesus on a cracker--it is Dana plus competition plus money. I'm naked and my wrists are in handcuffs hanging off the shower nozzle. Now just take Thailand and rub it all over my body . . . sweet Jesus . . . on a cracker.

Winners will be notified by email but you must be on site to pick up your $100 Dana bill. Every winners $100 Dana bill will be in the pants of a big package tranny. Presentations will be made in the VIP room at the Obsessions Bar at the N.E.P. in Bangkok and after all the winners' names have been announced we will kill the lights. You plus your money plus trannies all in a dark room. Let the games begin. Party time. Please remember all International contest rules apply. To wit: when big package trannies scream No that really means Yes. Good luck.

I know what you are thinking Thailandstoryites and Dana fans. You are thinking:

"How is the website Thailandstories.com run by Mike and Mo going to be able to afford handing out all these hundred dollar Dana bills and renting out all of these VIP rooms and employing all of these trannies and paying for all these drinks and flying me first class many times per year?"

Don't worry about it. Mike and Mo are making more money than the U.S. Mint during a Federal bailout. Ever tried to get either one of these guys on the phone? Forget about it. Between shopping trips to Paris, Bolivian bank trustee meetings, perfume testing (Thailandstories.com GROIN perfume is coming), pharmaceuticals (Viagra stamped out in the shape of penises), Cambodian TV production (first prime time show to be called Ankor What?), and yodeling condoms for the Swiss these guys are just not available anymore. Too busy. Too busy making money. So enter the contest early and enter often. They've got the money for the $100 Dana bills and the drinks and the VIP rooms and the trannies and flying me in first class. Ever seen a dog drink from the toilet? Ever seen the dog think about it first? Of course not. Be like that dog. Don't think about it. Enter the contest and try and win a Dana bill and fame and envy amongst your friends. Mike and Mo? They've got the dough.

Have you ever seen Mike's car in Surin? No? That's because he doesn't own a car. He is driven everywhere in a Hummer limo. True fact. And Mo? He doesn't live in Surin. Not good enough for him. He lives in Bangkok and brags about it (go figure). Ever seen a litter being carried by eight Thai guys? Well, the next time this relic from Colonialism comes out of the parking garage at the Emporium run up and pull the curtain aside. Do you know who you will see? That's right. Mo. Sprawled naked like a beached whale and sucking on a water pipe with one those strumpets from Farangdingdong rubbing durian custard on his stomach. Sickening? Yes. But informational. Obviously he is an Internet potentate. Money? Don't worry about it. Lesson? Mike and Mo, they got the dough.

Have you ever noticed that you never see Mike and Mo together? Reason? One of them is always taking money to the bank. Ever tried to buy coils of razor wire in the Kingdom and been informed that it will be on backorder for ten weeks? Hey, what happened to all the military grade sun glinty flesh slicing security wire? Mike and Mo? Yup. All bought up by them to surround their palaces, and private docks, and Essan airstrips, and German attack dog training facilities, and their koy ponds. Don't worry about getting your US$100 Dana Bills if you win The Dana Contest (TDC). Mike and Mo have the dough.

Ever noticed that Mike and Mo and Money begin with the letter M? No? Well, consider this: Mike is a four letter Babylonian word that means lucre, the greenstuff, mullah, lettuce, specie, wampum, treasure, and greenbacks. And Mo? Mo is short for Maurice which is a French (FTF) word. Ever noticed he always looks like he has a big baquette in his pants? It's not what you think. His pants are stuffed with money. Hey, I'm not judging, I'm just sayin' is all.

And speaking of pants stuffed with money, have you ever noticed when Mike is walking away from you (happens a lot with me) that it looks like someone hasn't emptied his adult diaper? Yup, you quessed it; pants stuffed with money again.

Your're a contest winner?
Want to get paid?
Maybe meet Dana,
Then get laid?

Don't worry my friend,
It's all systems go.
Mo and Mike?
They've got the dough.

Have Mike and Mo of Thailandstories.com got enough funds to finance paying out prizes in The Dana Contest? Please . . . even the thought is crazy talk. Don't believe me? Ok, get Mo to tell you about his investment in a llama meat packing plant in Bogota. Get Mike to put down three Foster's and then ask him about the fact that he now controls all of the tourist night time street elephants in Bangkok. That 20 baht per bundle of cane treats for the elephant really adds up. Mo's first name is French and every Hi-So poodle dog knows his name. Coincidence? Ever seen Mo and noticed his silver bracelet has the letters PFC on it? Poodles For Cash. Yup.

So, does this mean Mo has a line on every Kingdom poodle sold in every Kingdom pet store? No, there aren't really any pet stores in Thailand. A pet store in Thailand is usually called a restaurant. Nope, it's all the Marseilles connection. Mo imports all of Thailand's poodles from Marseilles (FTF) aboard special junk rigged poodle smuggling boats and exports from Thailand to France (FTF) . . . ok, it's not really important what Mo of Thailandstories.com is exporting. The point is he's making a fortune on poodles.

Mo should get rid of his French (FTF) first name and just have people call him Money. Another true fact. And Mike? Money? Oh please . . . this guy sheds cash like a Rajah Hotel Russian whore sheds Cheap Charleys. Ever been to Surin and surrounding countryside and noticed that you never seen any instances of highly profitable roadkill on the highways and byways? Yup . . . yup to the max dudesters: you guessed it; he controls all that business also. Run over a snake in Surin and his minions are grabbing at it before you can put on your flashers on (a farang thing) and stop the car. Forget about it dudes and dudesses. Just enter The Dana Contest. The rest is just paperwork, quarantees, and bank deposits.

They've got the dough? Yes, of course; but that does remind me of something money related. Obviously, matching four Dana submission titles and four submission quotes although fun is not a Mensa activity. Four was used as a number to introduce the way the contest works. Future contests will include ten, fifty, and one hundred match ups. Of course as the level of difficulty increases so will the prizes in value also increase. But don't worry, Mike and Mo have the dough.

For example: the Dana contest winners who won the 'fifty' would receive 'Obsessions Bar Payday Manager' as a prize. How does this work? Imagine you are the manager of the tranny bar on payday. Sixty broke liquered up trannies and you. You are handing out the money. Get it? Okay, on the night I did this I was wearing those big baggy loose beach pants. No underpants. All the girls had to 'touch the monkey' to get their paychecks. Clever girls could earn bonuses.

So anyway, the harder the matchups in The Dana Contest the bigger the prizes. What's the prize for matching one hundred quotes and titles? Well, I'm not gonna say now but I will tell you it does not include the word condom. And I will also tell you: don't worry, Mike and Mo have the dough.

Chok dee
Dana

P.S. Where can you redeem your US $100 Dana bills in Thailand? Places too numerous to mention: bars, bath houses, massage joints, Mothership parking lot skanks, Pattaya boardwalk cruisers, Beach Road after 2:00 a.m. 7-11 Pattaya trannies, Bookazine, Starbucks, Chao Phraya river commuter ferries, the Viengtai Hotel in Banglampu, Peppermint and Polo and Superbaby and Windmill bars, and of course the A.A.Hotel in Pattaya. Don't worry--this thing is military. All set up. Just get in touch with in Mike and Mo. They've got the list. And they've got the dough.

© Dana. All rights reserved by the author.