Blame Our Confusion On Quantum Physics

Stephen Hawking, based at the University of Cambridge, UK, and his colleague Thomas Hertog of the European Laboratory for Particle Physics at CERN in Geneva, Switzerland, are about to publish a paper claiming that the Universe had no unique beginning.

Their quantum 'string theory' permits innumerable different kinds of universe, most of them very different from the one we inhabit. Instead, they say, we should picture the Universe in the first instants of the Big Bang as a superposition of all these possibilities, they say like a projection of billions of movies played on top of one another.

They go on to say that within just a few seconds after the Big Bang, a single history had already come to dominate the Universe. So from the 'classical' viewpoint of big objects such as stars and galaxies, things happened only one way after that point. Other 'histories', say, one in which the Earth formed only 4,000 years ago, have made no significant contribution to this cosmic evolution.

But in the first instants of the Big Bang, there existed a superposition of ever more different versions of the Universe, instead of a unique history. And most crucially, Hertog says that "our current Universe has features frozen in from this early quantum mixture".

Now, I'm no physicist, but when I read that it hit me that perhaps we don't all live in the same quantum time together and this explains why we are all so confused.

Take the creationists, for example. They claim that the earth is only 4,000 years old, so what if Hawking and Hertog are right? Maybe the creationists actually live in an alternate quantum time to evolutionists, but we co-exist closely enough so that we can actually see and interact with each other.

Taking it a step further, their theory would go a long way towards explaining why men and women are so different. Perhaps we come from alternate quantum timescales.

Going even further still, those of us who have moved to Thailand to live out our lives have obviously moved from one quantum timescale to another and this is why Thailand seems to work so differently.

When we move from one timescale to another, perhaps the rules change and even our metabolism changes. This would explain why so many men seem to leave their brains behind when they step off the plane.

Think of it. Here we are, all thinking we are still the same beings we were when we left home. But in fact we have metamorphosed into completely new people. We no longer see things rationally. The people around us live in a totally different world to us, but we have the ability to see and interact with them.

You don't believe me? What about that Thai woman you were talking to just a little while ago? Did your conversation make any sense when you think about it?

"Hello darling", she says, "I missed you."

Ah, you think, how cute of her to say that. She must really love me.

But what she was really saying was, "Hello ATM, I have missed the largesse that pours from your beautiful wallet."

See? You both come from a completely different quantum planes.

So, is there any salvation for us?

You'd better sit down and grab a whiskey before you read on any further. This is going to hurt.

The secret to blending into Thai society is to completely change your perception of the world. You need to empty your mind first. Go on. Try that. Just close your eyes and visualize absolutely nothing.

Not easy is it? But that's why a lot of Thai men become monks. They meditate for hours every day trying to achieve that complete nothingness. So, you will have to practice as hard as they do at first

But our goal is somewhat different. We are trying to achieve a change in our time plane instead. Once we pass over the threshold we will be able to comprehend what our Thai women are actually trying to say to us.

Of course, if we do achieve that new quantum plane we may not like it there. After all, we will have to stop all deep thoughts. None of them allowed here in Thailand thanks. Instead, you have to talk about money, prestige, money, eating, money, clothes, eating, money, and...er...well...money! That's it!!!

If you had been born a Thai woman you wouldn't have all these problems, of course. You would already be in that other plane and quite comfortable there. You would not have to worry about tomorrow, unless you didn't have enough sponsors to send you money every month. All you would have to do is wake up late every morning, put on your clothes, or anyone else's clothes who happens to be staying in the same room with you.

Then you would wander out to buy some noodles and slurp them down. You wouldn't notice all the beggars, overflowing drains, the polluted air, motorcycle riders on the footpath, or the noise blaring from 6-foot tall speakers outside the Indian tailor shops. They wouldn't impinge on your consciousness at all because they are not actually there in your time plane.

Then it's back to your room to play some cards, or perhaps to make some phone calls to your teelaks overseas to beg them to send more money to feed the buffalo. It wouldn't dawn on you that in reality you are begging for money to feed you, the buffalo. That thought wouldn't even enter your head because it's not allowed in your universe.

That evening you would go to work and spend 8 hours doing absolutely nothing. At least until an alien from another planet wanders into your bar. Of course, you wouldn't recognize him as an alien. Ho hum! Another ATM just walked in. Let's see how much I can extract before he moves onto the next time plane.

If this all seems a bit surreal then you obviously haven't lived in Thailand, have you?

© Marc Holt. All rights reserved by the author.