Duped Dads

I came across an article at this website Duped Dads, that discussed the plight of men who have been duped into paying to raise kids that are not actually their own.

I went through something similar, and I am sure many other men who have married a Thai woman with kids have also been there and done that. Many unmarried Thai women have kids. Either they were married and their Thai husbands left them, or they got pregnant by a boyfriend who then left. Then along comes a decent, caring Western man who falls in love with her. They get married, and the kids are part of the package. It happened to me, it could happen to you.

I met my old girlfriend and went out with her for about three months. She never mentioned that she had a daughter. Nor did she mention that she had been married to a Thai man, the father of the child. And she neglected to tell me she was currently married to another Westerner when I met her. In fact, she still is married to him today and he still has no idea that I was jumping his wife’s bones for about five years. But that’s another story I have already told.

It wasn’t until my new girlfriend moved in as the mia noi that I found out she had a daughter. Even then, I didn’t learn this until we had been living with my wife for about two months. I went up to Daeng’s room to sleep one night (I took turns sleeping with my wife and mia noi) and I noticed a miniature picture of a young girl on the bed head. I asked Daeng who she was and she told me it was her daughter. That came as a bit of a surprise, since I had not noticed any stretch marks. I guess that just shows how blind love/lust can make you, because after she told me about her daughter I got down and did a thorough examination. Sure enough, there were some very faint marks. But for all intents and purposes her body was in pristine shape.

I didn’t meet her daughter for a few more months. By then, my wife and I had agreed to separate and Daeng and I were living in an apartment in Huay Kwang. Daeng had been away to stay a few weeks with her foreign husband and when she returned she brought her daughter, Lek, with her.

She was a cute kid and I soon found myself liking her. We would go out shopping and I would let her play at the kid’s entertainment areas. The Mall shopping centers were particularly good for that. She would ride in the mini cars, play in the plastic ball areas, go swimming, and generally have a good time. We quickly took to each other. Daeng was delighted. Coming from a big family I have always loved kids, so having Lek around was great fun.

One day we came home after Lek’s usual bedtime. The apartment lift wasn’t working so I carried her up the seven flights of stairs to our apartment. Daeng only told me later that Lek was pretending to be tired because she wanted me to carry her up. She was winking at her mother as I struggled up the stairs. She might have been only three years old, but she was no lightweight!

Over the years I watched her grow and of course we became very close. She would come down to visit us every school holiday period. I would take mother and daughter out to the zoo, shopping, parks, movies, and so on. We had a great time.

As time went on I was becoming disenchanted with Daeng. She wouldn’t divorce her Euro husband so that I could marry her. Despite this, I continued to look after Lek whenever she came to town, or whenever we visited her at Daeng’s hometown. She was one of the reasons I found it very difficult to part from her mother.

Eventually, I could take no more and one day I told Daeng not to come back to Bangkok again. Of course, one of the first things she trotted out in an effort to make me change my mind was how I would my ‘daughter’ as well. But by then I had thought about it carefully and come to the realization that Lek was not my daughter and never would be. I wanted my own kids. Since Daeng didn’t want to have kids with me, there really was no sense in continuing the relationship. I hardened my heart and said goodbye.

It wasn’t easy, but at least I didn’t have to pay any child support, as the men in the article I mentioned at the start of this submission did. I was able to walk away free and clear. I was lucky that I met my current wife soon after the break up, so I didn’t have much time to mourn the passing of the old relationship.

Over the last ten years since we broke up I have stayed on friendly terms with Daeng. We talk on the phone now and again, but we have never seen each other again. These days, Lek is studying at university. I thought I had gotten over missing her until recently when she contacted me by email. She didn’t write much, but she sent some pictures of herself. She has grown into a devastatingly beautiful young woman, even more beautiful than her mother. Looking at her picture brought back some of the pain of missing her.

With two beautiful daughters of my own, however, I won’t be making any effort to renew our acquaintance. First, it would be difficult to explain her appearance to my daughters, not to mention my wife.

We often see westerners walking around with their Thai women trailing one or more Thai kids who are obviously not related to the white guy. I have mixed feelings when I see them, wondering what the men feel. Do they take to the kids and treat them as their own? Do they resent them, but put up with them because of the mother?

It’s not so bad, I guess, if you stay with the mother and build a good relationship with the kids. But if the relationship breaks down it can be much harder losing the mother and the kids too.

There are other problems, too, that can cause difficulties when you take on the additional responsibility of someone else’s kids. One of my friends has been going through a hard time lately. He has been married to his Thai wife for many years now, and her eldest daughter has reached her mid-teens. He has paid for a very good education at an international school. He has given her all he could, including his unquestioning love, just as if she were his own daughter. Recently, she decided to drop out of school. She’d met a young man a few years older than her and they ran off together for a couple of months. Her mother and father had no idea where she was, or if she was even alive. You can imagine the agony they went through.

Eventually, she returned home, but only for a few days and then she ran off again. This went on a few times. Each time, her parents were worried, but they couldn’t do anything about it.

Luckily, she has come to her senses at last. She has realized that it’s a tough world out there. So she returned home, made up with her parents, and is now sharing a flat with a girlfriend, with their blessing. She has even gone to work in her father’s company, knowing that she is very lucky.

So, taking on the additional responsibility of someone else’s kids can be much harder work than having your own. Because they are not yours you have very little influence over them, no matter how much you love them. And when there are problems between the man and woman, the kids can exert a powerful influence should you decide to break up.

As far as I know (and I may be wrong here), Thai law has no provision in it for this type of situation. So if you decide to take on the responsibility for someone else’s kids, may not have to worry about paternity payments. But you will have to worry about your feelings and responsibilities just as much as the men in the West.

If you come to Thailand and meet a woman and she tells you she has kids, will you be ready to take on the additional responsibility? It’s not just your money you have to worry about, but also losing your heart to the kids. It ain’t easy, and it can be much harder than you may be prepared for.