Female Sex Tourism

For years we men have been accused of being sex tourists. However, recently I’ve been hearing about female sex tourists flying to tropical paradises to secuce the local dusky lads. I haven’t seen any evidence of it in Thailand yet, but perhaps I just haven’t been looking in the right places.

The biggest center for female sex tourism is currently the Caribbean. The toy boys there have  various names for them, depending on which island the ladies frequent. In Bermuda, they're "longtails" or "yellowtails." The Brits are called "Shirley Valentine", or “Shirleys” (from the 1989 hit movie about a Liverpool housewife finding liberation in Greece).

Black women are “Stellas” (from the popular 1998 film How Stella Got Her Groove Back, about a black San Francisco stockbroker on holiday in Jamaica). In Jamaica, the name depends on the woman's color: "Milk bottles" if they're white, as they are newly arrived and "in need of filling.”

Martinique locals call the incoming Air Canada flights "Air Coucoune" -- French for "Air Pussy."  Canadians even have a name for this penchant for traveling to warmer climates for sex: "Canadian secretary syndrome."

Of course, the ladies disdain the label “female sex tourist”. Nope, they prefer “Romance Traveler”. No matter what you call it, female sex tourism is on the rise and Thailand should be getting its share too. Perhaps we could call incoming females Miss Touts (missed out – geddit?)

Perhaps ladies already are coming to Thailand to indulge in a little fun with Thai men. I just haven’t noticed them yet. I’ve seen some obviously married couples in bars curious to see what the fuss is all about. You can tell because the white women could do with extensive plastic surgery and weight reduction. They look out of place, and distinctly uncomfortable. Talk about taking the buffalo for a walk!

Seated beside them, their men are lapping it up. No prizes for guessing how long those marriages will last. On the other hand, I have seen quite a few of these couples select a beautiful Thai girl and then the three of them check out and head off for a night of fun. What our poor BG’s have to put up with to earn an honest Baht!

What sort of men would attract female sex tourists to Thailand though? Your average Thai man is not exactly renowned for his sexual prowess.

How do we know?

Admittedly our judgment comes from the many stories we hear from Thai women who were married to a Thai male before going into the sex trade. The stories, however, are remarkably similar. The Thai mother coddles her son so much so that even when he reaches marriageable age he is unprepared for the realities and responsibilities of married life. They get married, father a kid or two and then run away, leaving the girl to carry the burden – literally!

Thai men are hedonists of the first order; merrily cavorting with any female they can get their hands on. Because of the way Thai society is structured, this means consorting mostly with sex workers at massage parlors, karaoke bars, and pubs, not to mention barber shops. But hey! Who are we to look down our long noses?

In other words, Thai men are more used to being pleasured, rather than giving pleasure. Your average female sex tourist is not going to come all this way so she can roger a Thai man for his pleasure.

So, how can Thailand cash in on this new revenue stream?

I don’t have first hand knowledge of Thai cock size compared to Western men, or even Caribbean studs, but from what many ladies of the night have told me Thai men just don’t measure up. So there is a business opportunity there for some enterprising entrepreneur to import and sell enhancing devices.

But does size really matter? It all comes down to how “service minded” they are, doesn’t it? One of the reasons Thai hookers are so sought after is their ability to give Western men the ultimate girl friend experience. No ‘wham, bam, thank you maam’ for these girls. Nope, the majority of them give great value for money. The ones that don’t must learn fast or they are out of the game.

So, what can Thai men do to attract fat, frustrated females to fornicate? (Sorry for all the alliteration, but it is fun to write!)

Perhaps this is yet another business opportunity for an enterprising Western man, or maybe even an adventurous couple that might like to open a Female Fornication & Sexual Satisfaction School. (Jeez! More alliteration). Now there’s a job I would volunteer for; as long as the female teachers are beautiful Thais.

Sick Water Buffalo could teach the men how to create imaginative stories about sick water buffalos and other assorted heart-rending accidents to extract cash from the female ATM’s.

While we’re on the subject of associated businesses, why doesn’t someone open a female sex tourism tour agency? I can just see the posters advertising the tours. On one side is a picture of Dana looking his usual pale and pasty self as the “Man You Have Now”. And on the other side a picture of a muscle-bound Thai in all his nut brown glory, rampant of course, as the example of “Your Passport to Bliss”.

Of course, BKKSW would be the official photographer. He would be paid to destroy the negatives after making the prints. He could also moonlight for Stickman Investigations taking pictures for suspicious husbands back home. His agile fingers, honed from long hours typing inflamatory flames on Schoocher, would be ideal for climbing coconut trees or hanging off balconies while snapping incriminating pix.

Foster, Camaschula, Union Hill, and Earnshawe could all get jobs as tour guides. Come to think of it though, Earnshawe may be a bit of a risk. No telling what sights he would take the clients to. The Bangkok Hilton might not be what most female sex tourists have in mind. But the inmates would certainly welcome them, wouldn’t they?

Union Hill knows all the tricks and where to go for kinky fun. The trouble is, would he be dishing it out before the ladies arrive at their tour destination? Camaschula would take the more culturally inclined on tours of the upmarket Rachada, RCA, and Sri Ayudhaya pleasure pots. And Foster would be ideal for those who want to rush hither and yon while taking their pleasures on the fun run.

Casanundra would be the legal advisor. After all, we all know what the American women would be like. If they didn’t get their promised three orgasms a day they are likely to sue. Cas would be essential to mediate between the aggrieved parties. Perhaps he could offer to make up the lost orgasms if it will help his male clients avoid penile servitude.

Korski would be the official biographer. As long as he stays out of Asian politics he would do an admirable job. Can you imagine the book jacket blurb?

“She is squat, as wide as she is almost tall, with a massive set of jugs designed to ensure her nose is protected at all times in case of a stumble on uneven Thai footpaths. Her purse is stocked with a Walther BKK, Mace, lipstick, a dozen condoms, and several passports. Her quest for pleasure takes her to places other sex-crazed women would never venture. But the rewards are long and throbbing. She is a sex tourist (sorry, Romance Traveler) heroine her pale, pasty sisters back home admire while bemoaning their humdrum, sexless existence. She is Super Twat!”

The days of male dominance in the sex tourism industry are in danger. Once those rapacious fems back in the world hear about the many pleasures awaiting them in Thailand the planes will be full. It will be impossible for any man to get a look in, especially if they are real gentlemen. After all, it’s ladies first, right gents?