A cool warm beer and a dirty minded ugly hooker is all you really need to make an evening turn out perfectly. I'd been tripping from bar to bar to bar enjoying a variety of clamping embraces and under the table gropings before finally holing up in a tiny no stage place well off the beaten track. It was one of those bars where all the women look either well passed their prime or like they'd never had a prime to be passed. A bar with no lookers was a find place to be. No pretty girl to catch your eye and appeal to that stupid aesthetic sense that makes men miserable to be with anyone else. Without lookers to distract you you can be the epitome of happiness with the ugliest slapper in town. And, while I wouldn't say the girl I found quite fit that description she wasn't far off it. Ploy she called herself. She had buck teeth and something wrong with her eyes. She had the rounded breasts of a playboy model just above the rounded stomach of a sumo wrestler. Her skin was liberally spotted with adult acne which she'd made little or no attempt to cover with make up. And yet for all this she laughed easily and sexily and pretty little bilingual obscenities spllied forth easily from her violet lipstick coated lips.
I was a bit drunk by the time I arrived at the bar and forgot, immediately, what area I was in. Not that it mattered. Not that I gave a shit. I'd probably end up overpaying some tuk tuk driver to find my way home but that was okay. This was a good place to be for now and now was all that mattered. As soon as I had sat down at the bar the bell had rung and a B52 had been placed in front of me and every other farang in the place... And there were a few of us. I knocked it back and felt that extra dimension of swirling as I ordered a beer. Ploy sat with me seconds later and we were immediately involved in a deep deep kiss.
The great thing about being very drunk is that way the entirety of your life seems a matter of such small consequence. Only the moment really counts for anything. I was certainly in no way embarrassed when Ploy's pudgy little fingers undid the buttons of my fly and took out my dick. The fact that there were plenty of people who could see this hardly mattered. I didn't know them. They were as bad as me anyway or they wouldn't have been here. As she gave me another oily kiss she squeezed my dick in a very loving and tender way that made drunken sentimental tears fill my eyes. I knew I really really loved this girl and the world was an infinitely wonderful place to be in.
There were a few other farang around and about. I was pleased to see that one of them was being gently masturbated under the table while he drank a pint of Carlsberg. The girl who was doing the masturbating for him was about sixty five but she seemed to genuinely enjoy it and that was really all that mattered. I saluted the health of the people who were sitting closest to the bell assuming that they were the ones in a spending frenzy and thought what marvellous fellows they must have been to buy me, a complete stranger, a drink.
Ploy worked her fingers back along the shaft of my dick and held my balls in the cup of her hand laughing and saying something about how heavy they felt.
"That's because I've been saving myself for you darling." I said in English that I knew she wouldn't understand but which, it seemed, she did because she laughed and lay her head on my shoulder while gently caressing the underside of my cock with long fingernails.
Without mentioning a word to anyone the owner dimmed the lights as one of the unemployed girls bolted the door. A lock in. One of the great pleasures of life is to be locked into a bar well stocked with liquor and women.
As I canoodled with Ploy I listened, in the now music free bar, to conversations. Some American talking about a politician he was going to have killed just as soon as he had enough money. Another man talking to his girl about his wife. All the men talked in English and all the men had women. All except one. A young man with prematurely grey hair who just kept on putting back whiskies. This man occasionally looked at me and Ploy but refused any woman who came close to him.
Ploy said "Puat kii" which was a ladylike way of telling me she needed a shit. "I eat too much som tam. Now I tong sia. I come back." But before heading off to the toilet she stuck her tongue in my mouth so it almost went down my throat then she pinched my cheek and said "Man Keeow" before disappearing off into the darkness.
I felt momentarily lost so I finished the beer I was on and ordered another.
It was then that the whoreless man looked at me through the mirror and said You having a good night ?" with an accent somewhere in the Southern Sates of America.
"Yeah," I said, hastily doing up my flies, "I'm having a good night. Are you having a good night."
"As long as they let me keep drinking I'll be fine." He said ordering another one with a single finger gesture to the owner who looked at me as if worried that this was the kind of a man who, if he kept drinking, might lead to untold hassle. Not that this stopped her from putting another shot glass in front of him filled to the brim.
"You like these whores ?" He said.
"Like them... I love them." I said. "This is the best town in the whole wide world and don't let anyone tell you otherwise."
"You live here... In Bangkok ?"
"More or less."
"Man." He said rubbing the back of his neck. "You know that's something I could never do. I been here three days and all I want to do is get back home. I mean I ain't got nothing against anyone doing what they want to do but this shit... It's too much for me man. Kind of makes me feel sick you know ? I mean... No disrespect... But that whore you're with... You could get a better woman than that anywhere for free."
"I'll have you know you're talking about the woman I intend to marry."
"Hey. No disrespect to you. I know you limeys have got some weird tastes. Just a bit beyond me man. I mean... She does not look good man. Not that it makes much difference if you get a pretty one. They gotta all have diseases and shit. And they only want your money. I could never go with some woman who didn't want me for myself. You know what I mean ?"
"Sure. I know what you mean."
"I mean... I don't want to be rude or nothing."
"Of course not."
"I mean... Hell... It's your life and all."
"But where's your fucking self respect man ?"
"Oh... I got rid of that years ago. It's not as much use as you think. All it does is stop you from enjoying your life."
"Hey... Man... I ain't saying what's right and what's wrong. I ain't saying that. But... Shit... I mean... No hard feelings... "
"None whatsoever. But you're sitting here on your own. You're in one of the greatest towns on Earth and all you want to do is leave. What good's your self respect doing you. You should be doing whatever it is that makes you happy mate."
"And going with hookers makes you happy ?"
"Too right it does. It's cleaner."
"Cleaner ? Now I know you're yanking my chain."
"Sure. You might catch the odd dose now and again. And there's always a risk of the big one even for the most conscientious condom user. And maybe, just once in a while, someone will try to spray your walls with blood from some wrist slashing but, yeah, it's cleaner. Everyone knows what's what. No lies. No false promises. No outraged husbands wanting to kill you. No trying to change her into someone she isn't so she can fit into your life. No being changed into something you're not so you can fit into hers. No beatings. No abuse. No kids. No painful break ups. It's honest. It's clean."
"Sex is never clean. Always shit to pay. But at least I ain't gonna get AIDS."
"No... You're probably not. Just liver damage."
He laughed easing up a little... "We all got our own vices I guess... But why do you pick such an ugly one ?"
"You see. This is where you're a bit messed up in your thinking. She's beautiful. And by not seeing that you're missing out on so much. That woman who as we speak is crouching on the toilet seat shitting her guts out is one of the most beautiful women you will ever see. Sure she's not going to get in Vogue but that's because those people have their arses on back to front. Someone like Ploy, on a dark lonely night, is an angel... But of course it's up to you. You like what you like and that's cool."
"I didn't mean any offence."
Ploy came back and draped herself around me. The serious drinker looked away straight away as if he looked at her she'd know everything he just said about her. I kissed her and held her tight so her body was squashed against me. She held on to me just as tightly and whispered "I want you to fuck me too much." in my ear.
Before my little chat I don't think I'd been that seriously up for a night with her but I'd kind of talked myself into it. I paid her barfine and the owner said that for an extra hundred baht we could use one of the rooms upstairs.
We stumbled drunkenly up some wooden stairs and went into a small room in which there was a mattress surrounded by old newspapers. As soon as we were naked I slipped a couple of fingers inside her at which she moaned a little and bit my lip.
We fucked. I won't say it was out of this world because it wasn't but it was a good run of the mill midweek fuck. As drunkenly messed up as I was she was able to make herself come by moving on top of me and wriggling her ass round and round grinding her clitoris against the hood of my dick. When I came I fell asleep straight afterwards and we slept there together like a pair of real lovers until the sunlight cast unwelcome shards of hot yellow light on us. When she saw that I was awake she kissed me several times on the chest like she thought I was lovely. And I thought that's really what I pay for. The illusion of being lovely.
She took hold of my dick which was still half sheathed in last night's condom and gave it a squeeze. The effects of too much drink and the uncomfortable sunlight stopped me from getting a hardon but, ignoring waves of nausea, I kissed her deeply on the mouth (which was probably worse for her than it was for me) and we rolled about as if ready to fuck again. It didn't have any real effect other than being playful and fun and, giving up, I gave her a generous tip and got dressed.
"You come back tonight." She said.
"I don't know." I said. "It depends how drunk I am."
She wrapped herself around me and kissed me on the dick through my trousers.
"Sure I'll come back."
I didn't go back. In fact I couldn't have even if I wanted to because I've never been able to find the bar since.
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