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By Two Dogs: Travel Reporter

ANGELES CITY (Village Daily) Living in Bangkok for almost seven years it was well past time for a break from the grind. There are only a select thousand or so Isaan LBFMs in the bars, massage parlors, Thermaes and English classes that you can get your clothes off with before the Ying audio and visual warning threat indicators are continually going off. So when the opportunity came up to visit my friend in Angeles City for 5 days and 4 nights I was on my way. And I’m damn glad I went. Of course once my fellow Sexpats and others found out I’d been to the PI they wanted a full trip report and a run down on the highlights as well as an answer to the one question all Sexpats in Asia have – which is better Angeles or Bangkok?

In answering that question, and others, I’m going to run through the key points in a Sexpat’s Southeast Asia vacation planner. In the most logical order that would be the LBFMs, their oral sex practices, their other sex practices, their go-go dancing, their special activities and the beer and other alcohol available with all of this. The six points of light for Fun Travel & Adventure (FTA) in Southeast Asia or as I call it a Gecko Six Pack. Lets begin with the first and most important part of any vacation planning – the LBFMs.

Yings and Honeykos, which is better? Now this is a real market research question. Both are really good at what they do in their respective bars, hooches and short time hotels. However, vacation planners should keep in mind the ‘Bangkok Rules’ when dealing with Thai Yings:

1. Deny Everything
2. They All Lie
3. Two Rules Are Enough.

When dealing with Filipino Honeykos ‘Mort’s Corollary’ should be kept in mind:

1. If You Want Good Sex Pay a Bar Fine
2. If You Want True Love and Something to BBQ on a Bad Day Buy a Dog
3. If You Want a Great Air Start go to The Philippines.

Note for the non-military reader – air start is a piece of US Air Force technical jargon for oral sex or a BJ in plain English.

These guidelines clearly define the differences between Yings and Honeykos. The Honeykos in Angeles are generally out for a good time, to have some fun and make some pesos at it whereas Yings are generally out to make some baht. They will have fun if they must. The Honeykos also like middle aged Sexpats, or at least they put more effort into acting like they do than most Yings. They also like to be treated and pampered as girlfriends. If you find a Thai LBFM that you think really likes you and is trying to convince you she wants to be your girlfriend see Bangkok Rule # 1.

There is also the Do Da Factor to consider in comparing Yings and Honeykos. A Do Da, as defined in the authoritative Southeast Asian Dictionary, is a LBFM between 18-25 years old that looks like she might be 17. She has a super body, with a models baby face, a pair of ‘Yes Mr. President’ lips, a set of bedroom eyes, and hair cut, sprayed and dyed in all directions to accentuate everything. Fortunately this gift from God is powered by a two-stroke five-watt brain, which means a Do Da is capable of incredible continual sex despite being dumb as dirt. Do Daz are sometimes confused for The One until they try to speak. My initial reaction on this trip is that there are more Do Daz in Angeles than in Bangkok. This may be due to the size of the respective playing fields but it’s an important point to consider for all vacation planners.

How important is the Do Da Factor? Well, the first thing the back half of the Do Da welcoming team my friend had waiting for me at the Manila airport asked when I jumped in the van with them was How is your ano? And even better than being asked by her was the fact that I knew she really cared. I’ve never had a Ying meet me at the airport and ask me how my dick is. If a Ying ever meets me at the airport and asks how my dick is it will be a threat warning. Ano, by the way, is a slang word Do Daz in the Philippines use to describe anything they don’t have a real word for but with Honeykos it usually refers to your sex organ or theirs. Sir, your big ano is hurting my ano!

Well big ano or not, in either Bangkok or Angeles, when dealing with Do Daz if you want good sex - pay the damn bar fine. In Angeles the bar fines were a much better deal in terms of money and bang for the peso. This brings me to the second planning stage in the Gecko Six Pack – oral sex. The Do Daz in Angeles tend to be younger, more playful, and much much more interested in oral playtime. My prime Honeyko, Ms. Arlene – the front half of my Do Da welcoming team quickly told me on our first night out that she was on her period – I have mestrayshun - but she was going to be happy to use her upstairs on me until her downstairs was ready to go again. ‘Upstairs’ being a Sugar Cane English word used by the heathens in Angeles for airstart. I didn’t ask about her cellar.

In comparison Thailand is generally a no smoking zone. For the non-Thai speakers smoke is Thai slang for air start. There are air starts available in Thailand, and some are really good, but you usually have to hunt for them and the Yings act like they would rather be doing anything else, such as choking down a bag of fried bugs. Whereas in Angeles air starts seem to be a standard service offered by every Do Da in the Ville. I consider this the most significant discovery of the whole trip.

On what my friend and host described as a typical Monday afternoon, he decided to organize a small pool party at the local millionaires club. So we headed to the Ville and wandered around for 30 minutes before picking up three knockout Honeykos. Knockout Honeykos in Angeles are those Do Daz under 21 years old and the more under they are the more knockout and Do Da they are. These three Do Daz were more than willing to beat the heat with some Farangs, drink Pepsi, eat fried rice, get naked, pose for pictures and practice their air starts on just about anybody’s ano. There is a reason they print Just another shitty day in paradise on the T-shirts over there.

Sexpats in Bangkok are not going find three good looking Yings wandering around Bangkok’s contact zones at 1 o’clock in the afternoon with their swim suits and nose plugs ready to go. And those that they do find and coax into attempting an air start will probably knock them out with a stun nipple. Note for the Australian readers -these are the thumb-sized bobby trapped nipples a cunning Ying will thrust into your mouth at bar room speed, which has been treated with enough chemicals to slap a raging bull Elephant face down in the Soi in under 10 seconds – mate. A quick survey of those Sexpats in Angeles engaged in nipple analysis indicated stun nipples haven’t turned up yet, but there are some really nasty baluts around. These are a soupy fertilized duck egg considered a delicacy in the Philippines. Just the thing to wash down with a cold beer and given a choice I would take the stun nipple.

Despite the threat of an occasional stun nipple in Bangkok the Yings do have some advantages over the Honeykos, which switches to the third planning stage of the Gecko Six Pack– other sex practices I found the heathen sex practices in Angeles a little less heathen than I like. For example – Ms. Upstairs was not into any kind of doggie sex and the poke poke position was unknown to her. Another note for Australian readers – poke poke is where the Ying heathen is on top squatting over you doing the up and down thing at combat speed - mate. But being Honeyko Do Daz means they like to bring their friends along. None of that whining crap Yings give you about extra money for a threesome either. And a weekend without pooch sex and the poke poke grind wasn’t really that bad considering the extra company.

As for the next planning stage in the six pack, go-go dancing - there are some distinct advantages in both Angeles and Bangkok. The go-go Honeykos are absolutely the best butt shakers in the world. They have two basic steps. These are the Wipe-Out Shake Your Buns Earthquake and the Rock Around The Cock Tick Tock also known as the Bot Dance. Bot is Sugar Cane English for butt or at least that’s how the Do Da shaking her ass said it.

I’ve never seen any go-go Ying try these dance steps. On the other hand Thailand’s go-go Yings are absolutely some of the best Pole Monkeys in the world. I recommend the string of Yings at the Long Gun Bar in Soi Cowboy for proof. I recall some serious Pole Pussy crawling around the plumbing in the old Firehouse Bar in Manila but the Honeykos in Angeles don’t do anything with their bar poles but look around them. There needs to be a real ASEAN cross training effort here between the Yings and Honeykos.

As regards the special activities planning stage lets start with massages. Bangkok is famous for them and I don’t know why after the massage Gloria the Mobile Masseuse of Angeles slapped on me for $20.00. I think the whole issue of massages in Thailand needs to be rethought by Bangkok’s Sexpats. For an extra $5.00 Gloria will, and I mean will, make you cum twice in the same hour. It takes another $5.00 to make her stop. In Bangkok that kind of service, if it can be negotiated, starts at another 1,000 baht.

As for entertainment areas there is really no comparison. The bar strip in Angeles isn’t much bigger than the whole of Soi Cowboy and the Asok Garden combined, which has advantages and disadvantages. You can walk around Angeles in an afternoon or evening and see everything and everyone, which of course means so can every other Farang in the Ville and that everyone in the Ville can know who or what you are up to as well.

With a playing field that small there are only so many Do Daz you can fit in the party pool, which makes it real easy to keep tabs on the up and comers, whose a real cherry girl, whose a cherry again, whose doing what to whose ano and whose ano is available to do. It also makes it real easy for the Honeykos to keep tabs on you and if you’ve got a serious Honeyko you had better be a master Crouching Tiger at lurking in shadows and moving Do Da bar fines through dark doorways if you want them to play with your Hidden Ano.

Of course every bar district has a selection of cross dressers and I don’t mean vacationing Kiwis or Australians. I’m talking about Thai Khatoys and Philippine Billy Boys. However, the Billy Boys in Angeles seem to avoid the bars and the go-go teams and tend to bunch up in some dark service points along Santos Street. This is something like an air start mall. Whereas in Bangkok almost every go-go bar has at least a couple of Khatoys on stage and Soi Cowboy seems to have them in front of almost every bar. But given a choice if I had to have something weird standing in front of a bar or on stage shaking plastic tits at me I would go with the Khatoy instead of the odd Aussie.

Organization and scheduling practices for the Honeykos in Angeles is also different. First all of the Honeykos have to wear a plastic tag with their picture on it, which is about the size of a driver’s license. This gives the basic information – Name. What needs to be added to these are their restrictions such as:

1. No Upstairs over five minutes
2. No Downstairs under five minutes
3. Must be returned by 1400 hours the next day and
4. Cellar work by negotiation.

Also their major qualifications should be added to assist their potential clients:

1. Senior Upstairs Rating
2. Double Plays
3. Bot Dancing I and II
4. Pool Puppy.

Its unfortunate but the curse of the Southeast Asian womanizer – ladies drinks - is also a prevalent practice in Angeles. However, when a visiting Farang buys a Honeyko a ladies drink she doesn’t take off back to the stage when her turn to dance comes up again. She will sit right there and smile at you and be happy to do it. Whereas Thai Yings seem to spend more time on stage or in the toilet after you buy them a ladies drink than they did before you gave into their whining.

The Honeykos don’t change dancers one at a time either. They rotate as a whole team ranging in strength between four to twelve, less those sucking down ladies drinks This tends to make for a lot of bonding between the girls and sure improves the opportunities for a Do Da double play. Please we must to take my cousin Dee Dee too sir, she be da one also for your ano.

As for bar decorations in Angeles you won’t see a lot of Buddhist shrines or phallic carvings covered in old flower garlands and looking like a pin quill for incense sticks. And the heathen ritual practiced in most of the Nana bars where all the Yings line up so a large wooden phallic symbol can be shoved across the floor between their legs in order to get the bar fines started is pretty unlikely as well.

My guess is the Catholic missionaries pretty well exorcised most of these heathen practices, less the ladies drinks. But, the costumes and other apparel in Angeles would fit right into any go-go bar in Bangkok. There is something universally appealing about a swimsuit, a pair of heels and a brown body in any country that serves good beer.

And San Miguel is good beer, which brings up the last planning stage in the Gecko Six Pack – the alcohol available to support your vacation. In addition to the fun seeking LBFMs the taste of cold San Magoo will really bring the joy of the Philippines to vacationers. San Magoo is a welcome change from Singha. Having been on a Singh diet for several years made the San Magoo taste like it was really brewed to drink and not something boiled up to remove rust from the bottom of old Tuk-Tuks. Likewise with the Tanduay rum. Compared to the jolt Mekong can give your glass of Coke Tanduay tastes like it was squeezed out of a Honeykos virgin ano and pressed between the hairless brown legs of the little Do Da.

So, which is better, Angeles or Bangkok? My best recommendation is go try both but in the immortal words of the big man in the sunglasses, I and my ano shall return.