Hey Lurchai, do you want to go down to the river?
Sure Somchai, everybody's heading that way anyway.
Well , it's His Majesties Birthday, Fathers Day and lots of fun and festivities. Lets join in the celebrations and forget all the bad karma of this year.
Excuse me gentlemen, can I ask you a few questions?
Who is this Somchai, she's got a name tag on and some kinda uniform!
Don't worry Lurchai , she is just a pollster from ABAC.
From ABAC? What's that?
It's a university where they teach in English.
What for? Ain't Thai good enough any more?
It's not that mate, some of the Hi-so have money and want to show off ordering Som Tam in English.
I see. Well actually I don't. I thought they preferred steak.
They don't Lurchai but they want to look sophisticated.
Never mind. It's on a need to know basis.
So lady, what can we do for you?
I'm running a poll on the level of GDP of Thai people. You two Issaan gentlemen are the last two people to complete the survey.
What's that lady?
Quiet Lurchai, the lady was about to explain it!
Psst Somchai, how did she guess we are Issaan people?
Dunno, maybe it's your lilly white skin, hooked nose and posh accent...idiot! Sorry lady and excuse my friend here. So what is it you'd like to know?
First of all we need to know your priorities in being happy.
That's easy lady! A good feed of sticky rice and BBQ pork washed down with some Thai whisky followed by a roll in the hay..he he he.
Shut up Lurchai, can't you see you're embarrassing the lady?
Ok, lets see...we're happy when ManU wins and our lottery numbers come up ; you see gambling is a hobby we all partake in besides a good belch and you know what..wink ,wink,nudge, nudge!
Hey Somchai, who is rude now, hey?
What about sustainability, self sufficiency and national interest?
Yep, them too...and you can add the water buffalo to that list too. Plus respect for our elder..and the young daughters too who bring home the bacon!
Figuratively speaking lady but nothing to do with pigs.
Ok, so can I put you down as 8.5 and happy?
You can put me down as deliriously happy and a 10 by 10 pm at night around the camp fire. If I was any happier I'd be off my face. How about you Somchai?
Likewise Lurchai. We're on the same page here and that's not often. Now can I ask you a question lady?
Sure. Go ahead.
Well, seeing that you're so pale and skinny, wouldn't you like to experience a bit of Issaan hospitality at your service? I think it could make you so happy you may even ask for seconds!
I honestly don't know what you mean.
Somchai means some lovey dovey cosy snuggle etc...he he he.
Lurchai you're so crude. Nothing of the sort my lady! Maybe a few drinks and a bit of Sukiyaki then off to a Molaam place to listen to some music and then and only if the lady feels like it..you know ...and it's nothing like those jackabots who never give and only take. We Issaan guys are real men , aren't we Lurchai ?
Yep and sometimes more than that...he he he.
Shut up mate! I'm working a deal here. So how about it lady? You can interview us some more and when you run out of questions it's our time to interrogate you to the nitty gritty.
Hmmm.. it's truly tempting, it is, but what if my folks find out?
Just tell them we're your auto mechanics checking out you chassis. What sort of car do you have?
A BM of course!
Easy peasy! Lurchai here was trained by his wife's German boyfriend. Hey Lurchai?
Yes, that's true, Buddha love him. I told her to always keep him happy too or else I'll divorce her. I should ask him about his GDH. I'll tell him it stands for German Domestic Happiness.
What are you babbling on about? It's Gross Domestic Happiness.
Yeah I know , the wife says he's got a “grosse” one too. He always make me feel so undersized and I stand nearly 5'6”.
Moron! Don't you know that Germans are superman? Never heard of Hitler?
Ah him? Sounds like the bloke who built a house down Buriram way for his teerak.
Excuse me for interrupting but we learnt all about that at ABAC.
What, they teach you about Buriram and farangs at your Uni?
No, I'm talking about Hitler and WW2.
Sounds like a pesticide that WW2. We use that down the farm when the locusts arrive, hey Somchai?
On second thoughts I may give you gentlemen a miss.
Your loss lady! You've just averaged down the Thai GDH.
So what are you gonna do when you get home?
I'm going to have a chit chat with Dad and give him a gift of a medical check up at Bamrungrad Hospital. That should make him happy and I understand they offer a free colonic irrigation if you buy the whole package.
Really? We could use a bit of irrigation down on our farm but I never heard about it under the 30 baht scheme. Why didn't you tell me Somchai?
You're an imbecile Lurchai! They only sell irrigation at private hospitals not the little clinic we have in Buriram. You need education mate, does ABAC offer scholarships my lady?
Scholarships to Issaan people? Highly unlikely, we wouldn't want them to ace their classes.
© Airmail. All rights reserved by the author.