Village Daily – Interview with a Bangkok Sexpat

By : Ticojay
Views : 518

BANGKOK (Village Daily) Ashley is a locally known bar fine enthusiast and part time English teacher living in Bangkok who claims to be a bona fide Sexpat. He has been practicing intermediate and advanced Kama Sutra positions as well as the basics with Thai college girls, bar professionals, fruit peddlers, noodle stand mommas and female taxi drivers and not necessarily in that sequence for the last eight years. Ashley is judgmental, outspoken and no friend of the British, wankers or poofters, which he says for the most part are the same thing. He brings his first hand experience with go-go girls, bar fines and massage parlors to any discussion. Ashley was interviewed by the VD in the former B52, which was a bar near Soi Cowboy in the Asoke Garden managed by a flying Elvis Presley impersonator. The B-52 is also where Ashley’s favorite bar fine at the time was working.

VD: Let’s start with Sexpat. What is that?

Ashley: That’s our slang for an expatriate or expat who chooses to live and work overseas instead of back in the states and whose main reason for doing so is because of the opportunities to have sex with Yings half his age or less. So he is not really an expat he is a Sexpat.

VD: You said ‘our slang.’ Are there more of you?

Ashley: Damn straight. There are probably a couple of thousand no bullshit Sexpats living or traveling through here and the Philippines as often as they can seeking rest and relaxation with large numbers of Yings and Honeykos.

VD: And what are Yings and Honeykos?

Ashley: Honeyko is the nickname for a Filipina girl. Ying is slang for Pooying, which is girl in Thai. Ying was a term the Americans in WW Vietnam serving or visiting in Thailand picked up and used all the time. It’s the same thing American GIs do with the names of everything. They always shorten the official name of something or use its initials so they will sound like they really know your shit. For instances GI means Government Issue and VC stands for Viet Cong.

VD: Did you serve in Vietnam?

Ashley: Better. I was drafted and sent to Bangkok to work as an MP. I spent my time in the Army during WW Vietnam as a Military Policeman working in the R&R strips on Sukhumvit, Petchburi and Pat Pong Road keeping law and order in the go-go saloons and checking the water levels and soap bubbles in the fish bowls.

VD: Did you do any work in Patayya Beach?

Ashley: Nothing official. When I was in the Army Patayya was a little fishing village with a dirt road for a main street, a great beach and some fishing boats you could hire for a bottle of whiskey or a carton of cigarettes to take you out to the island and the coral reef. The Army had an R&R center there to help GIs find there way up and down the beach to the dozen or so bars. There was also an MP detachment from Camp Samae San there. The MPs working in Bangkok went down to Patayya once in a while for a little R&R of our own.

VD: What was R&R?

Ashley: R&R was the official Army term for Rest and Recuperation. Bangkok was the main R&R center in Southeast Asia for GIs stationed at the air bases in Thailand and for those serving in Vietnam. For GIs the unofficial meaning of R&R was rape and rampage. For those of us living in Bangkok R&R stood for railroad. The joke was we were engineers working on the Bangkok Rail Road laying Thais.

R&R is what really got the bar and Ying business kick started and up to speed in Thailand. When the GIs left in the early 70s the business settled down for a while and then really took off when guys working in Saudi Arabia and other sand boxes started looking for locations to spend their money on beer, women and opportunities to get some serious railroad work done.

VD: And what does LBFM mean?

Ashley: That’s another hold over term from WW Vietnam and I think from the Philippines after World War II. It means Little Brown Fucking Machine and describes a certain variety of Ying or Honeyko. Not all of these are LBFMs. Let me give you a GI definition I love to use:

‘Little Brown Fucking Machine. Slang for Southeast Asian women that look somewhere between 18 and 30 years old. Described in Thailand and the Philippines as an efficient simple piece of lightweight equipment (normally 98 lbs), adaptable to every imaginable position, ruggedized, water proof, baht fed, rice propelled, self cleaning, capable of multiple operations simultaneously, deployable as single, pair or group units and disposable. There are constantly changing variants and sub models being developed and deployed. The most common variant in Asia is the LBFM-PBR (Powered by Rice).’

VD: Some might think the term LBFM is racist?

Ashley: And they’re probably a bunch of fuckin poofters and round eye femnazis’ with a whole list of bullshit complaints.

VD: What about the entertainment and bar strips in Bangkok today?

Ashley: For Sexpats and western tourists there are basically three. There is Soi Cowboy and Nana Plaza on Sukhumvit Road and Pat Pong Road. There are a few bars on Soi 33 which is also on Sukhumvit Road but they are over priced. These are called dead painter bars because of their names. There are also single and small groups of bars spread out along Sukhumvit but if you want to hear go-go music, watch go-go girls and be where the action is then it’s Soi Cowboy or Nana Plaza. Pat Pong is across town but it’s a real tourist trap and the bars along Silom road leading to Pat Pong are gay or euro-trash. Khao Song Road is always interesting but its mostly back packers and euro trash. I don’t think there are any go-go bars over there and if there were I don’t think the shrapnel heads would appreciate what they have to offer.

VD: Pat Pong is arguably one of the most famous bar strips and entertainment zones in the world and you don’t like it?

Ashley: A complete fucking waste of time for me, which is a shame. I use to love it. When I was an MP it was the place to go for great Yings. Some of them didn’t even have bar fines. They had regular day jobs and they went home with you because they liked you. But it has turned into a shit hole. I can’t remember the last time I was down there.

I left Thailand the first time in 1974. I had been stationed in Bangkok for two years. My first trip back was in 1981. The first night in town I went to Pat Pong and it had already changed for the worse. I met a former girl friend, an old Tilac, in one of the bars. As we were getting reacquainted she asked if I had seen the movie and I had no idea what she was talking about. Finally it came out that the movie was 'The Deer Hunter'. They had filmed several scenes along Pat Pong and in the Mississippi Soul Queen bar. She said herself and the other bar Yings were crying when they filmed it because it looked like old times with MPs and GIs walking along Pat Pong again. I and my partner in the MPs were actually in the Mississippi Soul Queen the night it opened. It was a great go-go saloon which is long gone. So I don’t go to Pat Pong any more. It will never be like it was.

VD: Your former girl friend had she been working in Pat Pong since you first met her?

Ashley: No. She was one beautiful looking little go-go Ying when I first met her. She was a dancer in the Grand Prix, another great bar. She married a US Marine, a jar head, guarding the Embassy and had been to the states and lived in Russia with him for a while when he was stationed there. It’s amazing what some of these Yings get into. She had gotten a divorce and had just moved back to Thailand when I met her again. Or at least that’s the story I got from her. With Yings you never know.

VD: Do you have a philosophy about the way you live your life in Bangkok?

Ashley: I consider myself in the center of an Asian kick boxing porn movie. I'm the director and the star stud with a cast of hundreds of bar fines current and future. My full time mission is to achieve the greatest sex imaginable with as many LBFMs as possible, which I see as my contribution to world peace. I dare you to print that.

VD: Hey, we print anything. Define bar fine for the rest of the world?

Ashley: First it’s a process. A bar fine is a fee you pay to a bar, normally the Mamasan, so some sweet LBFM can put on her clothes, go somewhere with you, take her clothes off again and jump your bones for a short time or a long time, then put her clothes on and go back to the bar. As a T-Shirt advertisement in the Philippines put it ‘A bar fine is cheaper than alimony.’ Bar Fine is also a slang term for LBFMs that you can rent or lease out of a bar. Some of my best friends are Bar Fines.

VD: There’s a lot technical jargon in all of that. Explain the relationship between a Ying, an LBFM and a Bar Fine.

Ashley: A Ying is any Thai Pooying, some of them are LBFMs, some aren’t. For example the fat Ying selling the fried bugs on Soi Cowboy at night is no LBFM, not anymore. Some LBFMs work in massage parlors, some you can pickup in an English class, and some are shop girls. A lot are working in go-go bars and are Bar Fines.

VD: What are some basic attributes that make an LBFM or Bar Fine alluring and fascinating to you and other Sexpats?

Ashley: Everybody is different. I like the ones from Isaan, which is where the majority of bar and go-go Yings come from. I stick pretty close to the 98lb rule and I like them about 5ft tall with a light cinnamon color. I’ve gone taller and heavier and not been disappointed and I’ve gone lighter and shorter and been really disappointed. There is also the curve and firmness of her toot, which is Thai for ass. I like firm toots that look like an inflated volleyball. Then there is the size and weight of her tits, these are generally compact, and of course the bikini and the boots work for me. Her dental work, breath quality and the rest will follow.

VD: What’s being from Isaan have to do with anything?

Ashley: Isaan is a Thai term for the Northeast of Thailand. People from there are usually from farm families and by far some of the friendliest people in Thailand, which says a lot for a country famous for being friendly. Most are dirt poor but they really enjoy a good time. The house girls, construction workers and most of the LBFMs working in go-go bars are from Isaan.

VD: And why cinnamon colored?

Ashley: I got that image from a Neil Young song that was popular when I was stationed here in the early 70’s. ‘I wanna live with a cinnamon girl, I could be happy the rest of my life, With a cinnamon girl.’ And cinnamon is such a sweet color for an LBFM.

VD: Anything else you consider when picking a bar fine?

Ashley: Being more experienced than most I also consider their English proficiency and their street clothes. If they speak too much English, forget it. I don’t want conversation. A mind fuck is when you start thinking you’re talking and connecting with these Yings.

VD: What do you mean by ‘street clothes?’

Ashley: Some of these Yings have no taste in clothes. That’s why they have jobs as go-go Yings, work that doesn’t require them to wear any clothes. I get seriously stressed when I pay a bar fine and then have the sweetheart run to the back to get into her street clothes and she comes out in an outfit that looks like a costume left over from the movie 'The Spy Who Shagged Me'. You have to be concerned about the ‘walk’ in the morning.

VD: What’s the ‘walk?’

Ashley: In Bangkok it’s a daily event. Normally it occurs every morning in hotel and apartment lobbies and along the sidewalks and streets in front of them. It’s when resident Sexpats and visitors escort their overnight bar fines to the street and try to flag down a bus or a taxi for them. There are three kinds of walks.

VD: What are those?

Ashley: The first is ‘The Victory March.’ This Ying is a stunner. You want the world to see what great taste you have in women. The second is ‘The Walk of Shame.’ This Ying looked a lot younger, a lot better dressed, and a whole lot less ugly the night before. The third is ‘Dead Man Walking.’ This Ying should be caged, tagged and released back into the wild.

VD: Is this true?

Ashley: Absolutely. I’ve bar fined and woken up with Yings in my apartment the next morning who have not only turned third world ugly butt ugly but have changed into clothes that can cause the neighborhood elephants to back up. This usually occurs if I’m over my eight beer limit and I paid the bar fine after 1.00 a.m. These Yings are only visiting for the night but I live there. Taking them down in the elevator, walking through the lobby with all the Yings behind the desk staring at us and then down the Soi to the main street can be a long walk. My coffee shop, grocery store, dry cleaners, watermelon wagon and favorite flower girl are all on that Soi watching this comedy show. It can be excruciatingly embarrassing.

VD: So what do you do?

Ashley: What I’ve learned to do is check their costume before they leave the bar. If it’s a mess I try to get them to change clothes with some of their friends. Otherwise I keep a couple of spare wrap around sarongs in the apartment as giveaways. That actually works pretty well. More recently I’ve been trying very hard to avoid Thermaes or paying bar fines after 1.00 a.m.

VD: How’s it going?

Ashley: I just bought a dozen new sarongs in assorted colors. You may want to take a couple.

VD: How would you describe Thermaes? It is one of the most famous bars in Bangkok.

Ashley: In short, a WW Vietnam bar that refuses to die. They closed the original a few years ago and the next night opened up its replacement next door. It stays open as long as it can each night and is a gathering place for Sexpats, tourists and Yings. It has a Star Wars atmosphere and has become almost a shrine among Sexpats and visiting Farangs. Christopher Moore is a local writer and a lot of his books describe a bar called Headquarters. What he is describing is Thermaes. He has his own table and there were posters for his books hanging on the walls. I think he even has a Thai squat inscribed with his name, phone number and address in the ladies room.

VD: You don’t like Thermaes?

Ashley: Not really. When I was an MP I settled a lot of bar fights in the original place. What I like is a go-go saloon, which is what Thermaes was in those days. Unfortunately there aren’t many of those around any more so I settle for go-go bars. Thermaes is strictly an after hours short time pick up spot and its filling up fast with mercenary Vietnamese boom boom girls.

VD: You mentioned a go-go saloon earlier; just what are you talking about?

Ashley: A go-go saloon would be something like a Texas road house with a long drinking bar, a rock and roll band in a cage for their protection and go-go Yings all over the place. The kind of place where you could meet some great LBFMs, hear great music and be ready for a no-shit bar fight to break out. A good go-go saloon would need about a dozen MPs to go in it about once a week to restore some law and order or at least get the band back on stage. A couple of the bars in Angeles City have some of that old spark in them. One of the last ones I was in was in Olongapo in the Philippines.

VD: You mentioned short time and long time earlier. How do you define those?

Ashley: That’s the amount of time you and your bar fine agree you’re going to spend in close physical contact swapping bodily fluids. A short time is three hours or less in my estimation. A long time means I’m going to keep her until I get up in the morning or the next afternoon.

VD: Does that mean she’s a ‘Keeper?’

Ashley: Absolutely fucking not. A Keeper is an all performing LBFM you want to hang on to for longer than a week but less than ten days. There aren’t many of those around.

VD: You ever had one?

Ashley: Too many including Miss Gop in this bar. But her ten days are almost up.

VD: What do you mean by ‘all performing?’

Ashley: Just that. This little Do Da is up for anything and everything. Oral sex, showers, friends and home videos. She will be slim, cinnamon colored, funny and reeking with sex. I think of her as the BMW of bar fines or if you like beer the Corona of bar fines, Mas Fina (Very Fine).

VD: Okay so what’s a Do Da?

Ashley: That’s a nickname for an LBFM between 18-25 years old that looks like she might be 17. She will have a Diet Pepsi commercial body, face, lips, eyes, hair and a two-stroke five-watt brain. Capable of incredible continual sex and dumb as dirt. Sometimes confused for ‘Da One’ until she tries to speak. Two or more are what I call Do Daz.

Before you ask let me tell you that ‘Da One’ is a popular myth. She is a temporary state of mental clap. She is a Thai Ying or a Philippine Honeyko that has a Sexpat thinking he has found the one LBFM with the most amazing little rice canoe in Asia between her legs and that he is willing to support her no matter what levels of bullshit he has to accept. In other words he is thinking with his dick. There is no such a thing as ‘Da One.’

VD: Is there any cure for Da One?

Ashley: Fortunately there is. Usually all that’s needed is another ‘Do Da’, her amazing rice canoe and a short time.

VD: Do you know anybody currently afflicted with a ‘Da One?’

Ashley: I did. But the cure was quick. Da One in question was a little sweetheart from Singapore nicknamed Honey. To help the poor shit his friends hosted a topless Sunday brunch in his apartment with a string of go-go Yings from the Suzi Wong bar on Soi Cowboy. It was called the ‘Honey Go Home Party’ and she did right after she walked in on the party. I read something about this problem with Yings and it summed it up better than anything I can tell you. Basically it said something like: Remember, no matter how lovely, beautiful, and sexually proficient she is somewhere there is another Farang that is fed up with her bullshit.

VD: You mentioned oral sex earlier. How is it in Thailand?

Ashley: Generally it sucks. No joke intended.

VD: How so?

Ashley: You can find Yings over here to perform oral sex. There are several bars in town that specialize in that service. In fact here’s a coupon for Lolita’s if you want to use it. But you really have to look for a good smoke job over here outside of the few bars that specialize in them. In Thai they call a blow job ‘smoking.’ Most bar fines aren’t too happy about the idea of a smoke job unless they really get to know you.

VD: Have you heard of Mort’s Three Point Corollary?

Ashley: Oh absolutely. In fact I know Mort and as he always says:

If You Want Good Sex Pay a Bar Fine
If You Want True Love and Something to BBQ on a Bad Day Buy a Dog
If You Want a Great Smoke go to The Philippines

VD: Who is Mort?

Ashley: Mort is the meanest mother fucker in the valley. That’s what we always say about him because it’s true. He is a retired Air Force Combat Control Sergeant living in the Philippines working in the Margarita Station in Angeles City. If the US had had two Morts I think the North Vietnamese would have surrendered or at least let us keep Saigon. Nicest guy alive unless he’s looking for your ass.

VD: And his recommendation for oral sex is the Philippines

Ashley: Yeah for that and good BBQ.

VD: What about using condoms in Thailand?

Ashley: Basic recreational sex gear in Thailand and for all of Asia.

VD: Do you always use them?

Ashley: Always. A good bar fine can really get things stared by putting one on for you. A few of the better ones I know and some Yings working in fish bowls I’ve come into contact with offer oral installation options.

VD: That opens up a lot of ideas. How do you describe a fish bowl?

Ashley: A massage parlor. You go into these places and the LBFMs are sitting on mini bleachers in large glass booths that look like fish bowls. They are usually dressed up and color coded, which with some imagination makes it look like an erotic aquarium. The color codes usually represent the options they provide. For example the LBFMs in one fish bowl wearing red dresses are massage and straight sex only. The ones wearing pink shorts are oral specialists. It differs with each place.

VD: Do you spend a lot of time in fish bowls?

Ashley: Not a lot but hey this is Thailand. I spend more time in them then if I lived in Kansas. They are everywhere over here. There are stand alone fish bowls as well as fish bowls attached to hotels, bowling alleys, shopping centers and golf courses. When you first get here they are a real treat. How often you use them really depends on where you work, who you hang out with and the quality of the Do Daz in the fish bowl. For a long time my Friday afternoon happy hours started in Annies near the end of Soi 4 on Sukhumvit Road because my boss at the time was a fish bowl master diver. He is a Brit and one of the few that isn’t a poofter. Annies has great rooms and all performing Yings. Unfortunately the Yings aren’t really anything to brag about. I think some of them were serving in Annies during WW Vietnam, they probably remember Mort.

VD: What about massages in hotels and barber shops?

Ashley: Shoppers paradise. You can find all kinds of surprises. There was a Playboy Pinup quality Ying in the Nana Hotel Barber Shop for a while whose oil massages where outstanding, especially the last five minutes. I could coax her to strip down to her panties in the little curtained off area they had in the back and then both of us would try not to scream or moan as she went about her business. It was a high school fantasy being massaged by a Playboy Pinup.

VD: What happened to her?

Ashley: I met her couple of times on her dinner breaks and we would run into a short time hotel but then she transferred to the other side of the river. End of romance. I hate going across that river.

VD: Tell me about why you decided to live in Thailand as a Sexpat.

Ashley: Can’t. It’s too long a story. But I can summarize it by saying it was my second night in a Thai Fox Hole in WW Vietnam on Jomtiem Beach in 1972.

VD: When did you move to Thailand and start to live as a Sexpat here?

Ashley: In 1994. I had a one bedroom apartment with a taxi out front running straight to Soi Cowboy.

VD: So what do you think it is about Thai women, excuse me Yings or LBFMs that really sets them apart and makes them so fascinating?

Ashley: Their core values about fucking.

VD: Anything else.

Ashley: Well there is the K-9 Theory. According to this idea the reason LBFMs are so quick to turn on sexually and stay turned on for so long is because of their noses. Most of these Yings have small pug noses. Most dogs have long well defined noses. Their big noses help them stay cool and cool down quickly if they are exercising or chasing a pussy cat. But a dog with a pug nose heats up quick and it takes them a long time to cool down. Just like an Isaan pug nosed LBFM.

VD: Interesting idea. What’s the best age for an LBFM with a pug or regular nose?

Ashley: 18. Anything younger than that and you’re probably harboring criminal tendencies. At least you’re spending a lot of temple time in Cambodia.

VD: Do you know anybody that’s chasing LBFMs that young?

Ashley. Not on purpose. Daddy Bruce in the Philippines had been living with the same Honeyko for 5 years. On her 21^st birthday last month when they brought out the cake she started crying and then suddenly confessed to the whole group that she was really 19. Daddy Bruce got a lot of handshakes and she got a lot of mobile phone numbers.

VD: What’s the worst age?

Ashley: 21 and over. These Yings are losing the bloom of youth. They can give you some great times but they are starting to develop some serious imperfections.

VD: Such as?

Ashley: Such as gambling, drugs, drinking, mobile phone addiction and more gambling. They also probably have a kid or more by their taxi driver boyfriends or husbands living up in the province with mom. Life is getting serious for them. They’re really not as much fun as they were. I use to have a good friend in the Philippines who was an Air Force pilot. His standard rule was when his live-in girl friends turned 21 he turned them out. It was a good rule.

VD: What happened to him?

Ashley: He forgot his own rule and now he’s married.

VD: Any other comments on this idea?

Ashley: With an LBFM wit, wisdom, conversation, experience and inner beauty are to be avoided. If you’re into any of that shit with an LBFM or they are trying that out on you you’re wasting your money and their time.

VD: What have LBFMs learned about being seductive and alluring to men?

Ashley: No Money No Honey.

VD: What would be your worst nightmare?

Ashley: Living with a round eye woman and waking up every morning with her.

VD: What’s a round eye?

Ashley: That’s slang for a non-Asian. It can be a male of female. I’m a round eye.

VD: Is it bad to live with a woman just because she is a round eye?

Ashley: I’m not finished yet. In my nightmare she is a pseudo intellectual, practices veterinary herbal medicine and weaves tampons out of banana leaves, is worried about her dead and rotting G-spot, uses the word gender instead of sex, has hair patches under her arms that look like al-Qaeda beards, has poofter shopping friends, is actively involved in eco tourism, works for some lame ass NGO and is writing a book about bar girls she really wants to sleep with.

VD: Sounds like you’ve been there.

Ashley: No, I’ve just talked to a few of these crazies.

VD: What’s really your gripe with round eye women?

Ashley: Besides the under arm hair and skin blotches they seem to go out of their way to make Sexpats and guys like us the world over feel guilty about satisfying the primal cave man needs programmed into our DNA for random sex with cave sluts. It’s not their fault. It’s their mothers, grandmothers, aunts and older cousins and sisters that are trying to reprogram the primal cave slut out of their DNA. And let’s not forget the chick flicks Hollywood puts out.

VD: What do you think of the term Politically Correct?

Ashley: Commie pinko bullshit comes to mind immediately. I forget to put poofter in there somewhere.

VD: What’s the problem with poofters.

Ashley: They are a total fucking waste of time. Most are Brits and all are banned from Hash House Harrier clubs. Brits, except for Toni Blair, the Para’s and the SAS, maybe the most useless sub-species on the planet. I can count the number of Brits I like in Thailand on my right hand which was the one I used to masturbate with until I moved to Thailand. Most are complete wankers looking for a dole and the chance to whinge about anything. Work is a four letter word to them. After I had the unfortunate experience of meeting and trying to work over here with some of these idiots I started to really appreciate and celebrate the American Revolution. Also I began sending monthly contributions to the IRA. Let’s change the subject.

VD: Well let me just say that your name sounds British. I mean Ashley is not a very common name for Americans is it?

Ashley: No its not. And let me just say my mom has been doing a lot of explaining about this and I don’t want to go there.

VD: Okay, what’s your favorite go-go bar in Bangkok?

Ashley: That’s hard. It’s always changing. That’s part of the fun of living over here is running down the best string of go-go Yings. My standbys are the Tilac and Long Gun in Soi Cowboy. They have a bit of a go-go saloon flavor to them. But the crew in Suzie Wong’s is looking better. Nana Plaza keeps coming up with some winners. In the Nana Plaza today I would recommend the Play Skool, but the LBFMs in there are mercenary. Also the Silver Dragon has a good string of go-go Yings.

VD: What about Pat Pong?

Ashley: Bullshit. Like I said before a complete waste of time for me. It’s filling up with those round eye sluts I told you about earlier and male Farangs that want to shag them or change clothes with them.

It’s the craziest thing I can imagine. These guys come half away around the world to one of the most exotic countries in the world populated by a race with some of the most sensuous women on the planet and they put up with bullshit from a round eye slut who is probably not going to smoke anything for them. Those fucks are poster models for poofters.

VD: What do Thais mean when they use the word Farang?

Ashley: They mean foreigner. Anybody that’s not Thai or Asian I would say is technically a Farang. We use it to describe ourselves all the time.

VD: What else is there about LBFMs that attracts Farangs and other Sexpats like yourself?

Ashley: LBFMs have creative imaginations and incredibly responsive bodies meant to be used by them to pleasure their lover. We also have a lot of reliable information on how to use them. It’s called our imaginations and if you don’t know how to use them they will show you.

LBFMs working as bar fines in go-go bars know how to use their sex as marketing tools and they use it to sell things like beer, ladies drinks and bar fines. And they know how to do it well. They know how to pleasure someone else, especially if he has the bar fine and tip ready.

They let guys know they're not alone or completely flipped out. I don’t care how old or ugly you might be or how slightly off out of balance your sexual needs are. You and your crazy sexual fetish are probably completely acceptable to an LBFM somewhere over here.

It’s okay to tell them what you want or would like to experiment with. You can always ask for something like sex with her and her friend even her sister. Instead of going into a blood spurting rage between her legs if it upsets her she may give you a negative response such as ‘U No Busy Me.’ More likely you may hear something positive like ‘Up 2 U’ or ‘U Pay Bar’ and that settles it.

VD: What’s the strangest bar fine you know of?

Ashley: I wouldn’t really say it was strange. It was the most impressive. I was sitting with a friend in McDonalds one afternoon near Nana Plaza and this 99 year old Farang came limping in with two Do Daz. They both looked about 18 or 19 years old. A real pair of Do Daz and dressed for business. I immediately assumed one of them was his Thai wife’s kid by a tuk-tuk or taxi driver and the other one was her girlfriend. Grandpa was taking the girls out for a snack. Then the cutest one started hugging and kissing on him as they stood in line and it was damn obvious to everybody she was his bar fine.

VD: What did you guys do?

Ashley: We stared in envy. Then when we finished our happy meal I went over to his table, introduced myself and told him ‘Sir, you are my hero.’

VD: When looking for a bar fine do you go out alone, with a friend or with a group.

Ashley: That depends on who’s available and wants to go out, what day of the week it is and so on. One guy I would love to go looking for bar fines with is Dr. Brady Barr.

VD: Isn’t he the Croc Doc on the National Geographic Channel?

Ashley: Exactly. I want to go on a bar fine expedition with him in Bangkok and see if we can get ‘Four Species in One Night.’ That would make a great slogan on a T-shirt for Bangkok Sexpats.

VD: Anything you don’t really like about sex with LBFMs?

Ashley: Anything that involves strap on equipment, or me being tied up and photographed.

VD: What do you think about sex education in Thailand?

Ashley: It’s something I would like to get more involved with at an all girl’s college for rich Ying brats.

VD: Seriously?

Ashley: Seriously! The Yings in those schools are cute and dumb as dirt. Raised by Isaan house maids, addicted to MTV and driven to and from school in the family Mercedes Benz. Away from MTV and out of their school girl uniforms they would probably revert to their basic LBFM instincts in at least a short time.

VD: What about sex education for girls from Isaan?

Ashley: Isaan Yings don’t need sex education. They are an education in sex. Isaan Yings grow up watching the family chickens, the village buffalos, a couple hundred stray Soi dogs and laid off taxi drivers.

These are farm Yings and they got the basics. What fucks them up is watching their aunts, mothers, cousins, khatoy relatives and older sisters coming home with some dumb shit Farang’s money. That’s the problem with sex education for these girls. They enjoy sex as a natural past time. They just expect that if it’s with a Farang it means a lot of money. That’s how auntie paid for her house and her Khatoy uncle paid off his sex change.

VD: What about the availability of Viagra and other erectile dysfunction treatments in Bangkok?

Ashley: I’m not sure what an erectile dysfunction is? If you mean a failed hard-on I suggest the best treatment is a Thai beer and a ladies drink for a 20 year old go-go Ying. If that doesn’t work for you than your probably out of luck. These girls can get anything hard.

As for Viagra, it and an Indian knockoff can be picked up in any drugstore. In fact if you know what to ask for you can buy just about anything in a Bangkok drug store. My favorite place is on Sukhumvit Road. All they sell is Viagra and Rogaine and they only advertise in Japanese and English. These people know the market.

VD: Have you tried Viagra?

Ashley: Once and not since. A Brit friend gave me half a little blue pill one Friday night in the Tilac Bar on Soi Cowboy right after I paid the bar fine for a stunning little heathen go-go dancer. Great body and a bull dog face. Cute nose.

And man did that shit kick in. I’m not sure I want to try that again. It might have been the six beers I had before I took it but who knows. Anyway she earned her short time tip and when I got home I nailed my live-in Tilac for two straight days. It was my lost weekend.

VD: Sex therapist and TV personalities say an important guideline for couples engaging in sex is to do everything with honesty, caring, and respect and to remember that you are both on the same side in the bedroom.

Ashley: Bullshit. I’m not trying to give her an orgasm. I don’t want to work that hard. That would be a hell of a lot of short time miles to makeup with a lot of these Yings and I probably don’t have the energy, time or money needed to get that accomplished with or without Viagra. The Yings are there to take care of me. Together we can do it. It’s her job or theirs to figure out how to maximize my pleasure. Bar fine sex is supposed to be juicy, wet, messy, sweaty, and hot or they ain’t doing it right.

VD: You said her job or theirs. How often do you have a double bar fine?

Ashley: Not a lot but hey this is Thailand. I spend more time with double bar fines here then if I lived in Kansas.

VD: Any last words.

Ashley: Avoid poofters and stay out of Pat Pong.

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