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decreaseOne evening, at about 7 pm, I was standing outside Shark bar in Soi Cowboy, wondering whether to go in or not, when I noticed a touching little ceremony. Over the door of the bar is a Ying-Yang symbol. As the girls turned up for work, each one of them patted that symbol - not a single one forgot to do it. After a while, I did the same, and guess what - it worked! That was the night I met my girlfriend! OK, you cynics out there, heads stuffed full of decadent western ideas, will say it was just a coincidence. But my girlfriend was not at all surprised. Of course, we were going to meet that evening! - hadn’t she said a special prayer to Buddha as well as touching the Ying-Yang herself!
Whether it’s Ying-Yang, palmistry, card-reading, astrology or ghosts - especially ghosts - Thais are true believers, so when I began trying out my somewhat limited palm reading abilities it was an instant hit. Suddenly, I was no longer just the fat guy in the corner, another customer to be relieved of a few thousand baht - I was a real person, I was interesting - I was even sexy!
The more I used palmistry, the more useful I found it to be. I soon found that it could do more than make me stand out from the average customer. For example, it is very effective at:
- convincing a girl that you are powerful (they deeply respect this kind of skill), yet sensitive
- filling the gaps in conversations when a girl’s English (or your Thai) is not up to much
- opening a girl up (I’m speaking figuratively here!) and getting her talking about herself
- starting the stroking and fondling in a subtle way (what - you don’t bother with subtleties!)
- revealing a girl’s personality and future fate (but only if you believe in it yourself, and have a reasonable level of skill!)
So how’s it done? The bottom line is that you don’t need to know anything at all. Just gaze at the girl’s palm and bluff! But be warned, you may not get away with it that easily. True, most of these girls have only had an elementary-level education, but when it comes to supernatural matters, they probably know more than you do. Not only that, they are (if you hadn’t already noticed) very street-wise. They can spot a charlatan faster than you can say “barfine”, so it pays to have at least a basic knowledge of the lines of the palm. To help you with this I give below what could be described as ‘The Dummy’s Guide to Palmistry’ (but which I’ve had to rename ‘The Dumbo’s Guide’ to avoid an expensive lawsuit for copyright infringement).
The Dumbo’s Guide to Palmistry
A full palm reading is a very complex business. Apart from the main lines, there are numerous minor lines. Also, each area of the palm is ruled by a different planet. But don't worry - this is the Dumbo’s Guide. You won't get a very accurate reading of her fortune from it - but you might get to know her better - and have a lot of fun. All you have to do is to learn the main lines of the palm (see diagram at http://www.crystalinks.com/palmistry.html) and then follow these simple steps:
First Impressions
Take her left palm in your hand, caress it gently and look at the general pattern of lines. Don't say anything at this point - making her wait for it is all part of the fun (same as in bed really). Here's what to look for:
A hot, moist hand: this is probably not the only place that she's hot and moist, or in the words of Othello to Desdemona ‘thy palm denotes a lustful disposition’. To be honest, you don't really need to work through the rest of this guide - just barfine her and get on with it.
A cold, clammy palm: this means just the opposite, I'm afraid. Why not start again with that hot little number just coming off the stage?
Life Line
Broadly speaking, a long line means a long life, but it’s better not to get drawn into discussion about this - it’s not very sexy to be told you're going to drop dead at 25, and you don’t want her worrying about the arrangements for her funeral when you’re trying to get the bed rocking.
Head Line
A long clear line shows intelligence, a short faint line shows lack of intelligence, but this is another line which it is better to lie about - being told you're stupid is a real turn off! Whatever the line actually says, take the opportunity to pay her a compliment or two, e.g., if you’d finished your education, you would be at university by now (and then I might get you for free!)
Line of Fate
This shows a person's course through life. A simple line, with just one or two forks, is the sign of a straightforward life with few ‘wrong turns’. A complex line, with several forks, doublings, and other lines crossing it, is a sign of a complicated life! Point to a fork or cross and tell her that she has a decision to make or a problem to solve. This is quite likely to be true, since she's probably deciding how to play you off against her two boyfriends, one of whom is due to arrive tomorrow.
Be careful though. Talking about problems could provide her with the ideal excuse to bring up those sob stories - sick water buffalo, sick mum, drunken father - or anything with a price tag over 20,000 baht.
Love Line
This is the line that will stimulate most interest. She’ll be gagging with anticipation - so don’t let her down (again, same as in bed!) Here's what to look for:
A deep, unbroken line: she's deeply loving, and totally faithful - but you won’t find many girls like this in a gogo bar! So either you’re looking at the wrong line, she’s gone over it with a pen - or you really have hit the jackpot in the shape of a new girl on her first night in the bar. In that highly unlikely event, get her out of the bar asap - and marry her (if you are not married already).
A faint, broken line: I bet this is the same girl who has the cold, clammy hand. If you haven't already followed my advice, do it now! Find another girl and start again!
A doubled line: she's a two-timer (or a hundred and two-timer - and that was only last month!)
Loops: each one is a passionate affair (why do so many gogo girls have love lines that look like mooring chains?) - at least it shows she’s feels something when she’s bouncing up and down on your bed, and not just improving her acting skills.
Whatever you see, this is a good time to ask her if she has a boyfriend. Actually, you don’t ask, you guess, and she will correct you if you’re wrong. She won’t lie, because she thinks you are a god-like guru who can see right into her soul - not a bad role to play in the politics of sexual power (but don’t think you can pull it off with your feminazi girlfriend back in Boredomland!).
You can use the same technique to find out anything you like about her love life that may be important to you - has she been married, how many children does she have, does she take it up the ass? etc.
If you want to please her, tell her that she’s going to meet a young(ish), handsome guy with lots of money. It will make her happy - and it might make you happy, because she might think that guy is you! - But prepare your exit strategy by telling her you see a big break in her love line.
Mount of Venus
Every woman has two of these. The one on the palm is the fleshy mound at the base of the left thumb. The other one is... well, if you don't know about the other one you'd better find out quick, or she's going to be very disappointed! A well-developed mount of Venus is the sign of a sensual nature. Stroke her mount of Venus (the one on her palm) and tell her it shows how sexy she is. If she responds well, barfine her, and extend your investigations to the mount of Venus between her legs. (I’m thinking of conducting, in the interests of the science of palmistry, a systemic investigation into the correlation between the two - of course, it will need a large sample to be statistically valid...)
Girdle of Venus
No, this is not a traditional Thai undergarment that’s a cross between a whalebone corset and a chastity belt - it is a bow shaped line at the top of the palm (see diagram). Only the very sexiest women have one of these (and I’m not referring the traditional undergarment). Even a trace of this line means you have landed yourself a rampant nymphomaniac. You'll be in sexual heaven if you've been keeping up with your jogging and taking your tabloids. If you haven't - well, there might still be time to make an excuse and get away in one piece!
That’s it - wasn’t too difficult, was it? Of course, it was only the Dumbo’s Guide, but you can always find out more if you are interested - and the more palms you read, the better you will get at it - and then you will find, as I did, that every now and again, when the mood is right, you say something that really hits the spot. I was with a girl in Soi Cowboy one night, had had a few Singhas, and was feeling good, and started interpreting the lines on her hand with more than my usual creativity. She went dead quiet. At first I thought I had got it all wrong - on the contrary - I had just told her life story! Another coincidence, you may say - but it spooked me almost as much as it spooked her! When that happens to you, you’ll start to be a believer as well - though never as much as the typical Thai girl.
© Rob 2006
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December 17, 2006, 20:43
Nice one. Not a believer of the paranormal and such myself, but I am fascinated by it. Thanks for sharing and looking forward to the next installment.