Thais like to gamble - so there is usually a pack of paying cards not far away from where you are sitting - and you can use it to tell your girl’s fortune. Of course, real Tarot cards are the expert’s first choice for card fortune telling. The Tarot packs consists of 78 cards, 22 of which are symbolic picture cards - but they're difficult to learn - and can be scary. The Ace of Spades (the death card) is bad enough, but when a picture of the grim reaper himself is dealt out...!
However, there are ways round that (like taking him - and a few other nasties - out of the pack!) so when you’ve used my simplified system for a while, you might like to trade up to the real thing. If I really want to impress a girl, I get out my pack of Royal Thai Tarot Cards, which are illustrated with traditional Thai symbols (see example in article image). Just a glance at these and your girl will be reaching for her joss sticks. She’ll be so overawed that she’ll believe everything you say (and do anything you want) - so be gentle, and remember that power should go hand in hand with responsibility!
OK, sermon over - so how do you tell fortunes with a pack of ordinary playing cards? As it happens, playing cards are just a simplified version of Tarot cards - so the meanings are the same, and there are many books and websites that will tell you how to interpret them. The problem is that, even with the 22 cards of the Tarot Major Arcana, and four court cards (the Knights), removed, there are still 52 of them - and how are you going to remember the meanings of all those (given that they will be vying for brain space with more important information, such as the names and numbers of your favourite bargirls). The answer can be found in ‘The Dumbo’s Guide to Card Fortune Telling’.
The Dumbo’s Guide to Card Fortune Telling
To get round the problem of having too many cards to remember, I've worked out a system - called ‘The Lover’s Tarot’ which uses only two suits - 26 cards in all. The two suits are Hearts - to stand for the female principle, and Clubs - to stand for the male principle. This also has the advantage that the Ace of Spades will not obtrude its gloomy presence into your readings!
Six of the 26 cards - the court cards - are easy to learn, because they represent people (see list below). That makes only twenty meanings to commit to memory (see list below). If you’re a slow learner (or have a longer than average list of bargirls to remember), you can make it simpler still by beginning with one suit only - Hearts.
All you need is a willing victim and you are ready to begin your reading. There are two ways to do this: (a) straight, and (b) cheating. If you opt for (b) you will need to remove the two aces, and the court card which most resembles you, and slip them up your left sleeve.
Spread the cards face up on the table, and ask the girl to choose a card to represent herself (the querant). Guide her to the most appropriate court card (which for a Thai girl, will be a dark lady - i.e., the Queen of Clubs) and ask her to place it face up in the middle of the table. Gather up the remaining cards, shuffle them, and give them to her to cut. Then deal out the first seven in a circle around the querant card. Now for the difficult bit - the interpretation.
After your experience of reading palms, you should be getting quite good at this sort of thing, but here are a few simple tips anyway:
·> Try to get her talking about herself. For example, if she gets the Two of Clubs, tell her that it shows that she's recently experienced a disappointment, and get her to tell you about it (if she understands the word, if not, try ‘promplem’). You can't go far wrong with something like this as most people (especially bargirls) will have had some disappointment (or problem), however small (and more likely to the tune of several thousand baht), in the past week or two.
·> Describe a new lover in a way that makes her think it might be you. If you are in ‘cheat’ mode, your court card will do the trick - if you are working ‘straight’, don’t worry, there will be plenty of other opportunities - and don’t forget - you can always make it up! Do this well, and she might give you an extra discount, a command performance in bed - or both!
·> Finally, play your ace - the Ace of Clubs - the biggest phallic symbol in the whole pack! Explain that this means she will meet a very sexy man who will treat her to the greatest sex of her whole life (but don’t promise this if you can’t deliver - and don’t forget to pop the big V!)
While the card reading has been taking place, another reading should have been taking place at the same time - a reading of her body language. This will tell you if she really is the one you want to spend your time (and your hard-earned baht) on. If a card reading doesn’t warm her up, then she’s probably an ice queen who wouldn’t thaw if you popped her on the barbeque - shuffle the pack and try another girl!
The Lover’s Tarot
‘The Lovers' Tarot’ is my name for the reduced 26-card pack. Try to learn the interpretations listed below. Note that the comments in brackets are for entertainment purposes only - don’t let them confuse your readings!
Hearts are equivalent to the suit of Cups in the Tarot pack. They represent the female principle.
Ace - love (watch out - this one might hook you!)
Two - sex (but gii baht?)
Three - this could mean a love triangle (she has another boyfriend who sends her money) or could predict a three-in-a-bed session (lucky you!)
Four - delay (i.e., she turns up late, or the money hasn’t arrived at Western Union)
Five - jealousy (you were warned not to barfine twice from the same bar - well, not on the same day!)
Six - good luck - chok dee (you’ll be needing it!)
Seven - a broken promise, or gohok - a lie (you’ll be seeing a lot of this card!)
Eight - an invitation, a party, a group meal (guess who gets to chek bin?)
Nine - the ‘wish card’ that makes dreams come true (read, ‘rich American boyfriend’)
Ten - happiness (for you, in bed the night before - for her, in the shopping mall the day after)
Jack - a young fair-haired friend, male or female (that other boyfriend again - and it sounds like he’s younger than you! - or is she a lesbian?)
Queen - a fair-haired woman (not a Thai girl! - so it’s either the missus or your farang feminazi girlfriend)
King - a fair-haired man (could be you - if you still have hair!)
Clubs are equivalent to the suit of wands in the Tarot. They stand for the male principle.
Ace - your d**k (in the Tarot pack it is the Ace of Wands, i.e., one big, straight, hard stick - make sure it stays that way even if you have to pop the big V to do it!)
Two - a disappointment (maybe your d**k didn’t stay that way)
Three - marriage (hope she’s worth all that sin sot you’ll be paying!)
Four - bad luck (maybe a spell in the Bangkok Hilton)
Five - a new friend (check she’s a girl!)
Six - success (the feeling you get after your first Thai girl - you’ve beaten the system after decades of being downtrodden by PC politicians and card-carrying feminists!)
Seven - money (yours, and it’s headed in one direction - her purse!)
Eight - you take a chance (don’t do it - always use a condom!)
Nine - difficulties (try KY Gel)
Ten - a journey (to Isaan to visit mae and paw)
Jack - a young dark-haired friend of either sex (the bargirl she shares with - or her Thai boyfriend)
Queen - a dark-haired woman (a Thai girl - probably your ‘girlfriend’)
King - a dark-haired man (if you’re not dark haired, it’s probably her Thai husband!)
And that’s it! Once you’ve mastered the above you could add in Diamonds (to cover financial matters) and Spades (to cover matters related to work and success). After that, you could upgrade to the real thing - which is a good idea for another reason. Gambling is illegal in Thailand, so if the police raid a bar and catch you with playing cards - see Four of Clubs, above.
© Bangkok Byron, 2007. All rights reserved by the author.