I’ve never had much success trying to talk to bargirls about Astrology. Either I’m talking about the Western system (Aries, Taurus, Gemini, etc.) and they’re thinking of the Chinese system (Rat, Ox, Tiger, etc.), or the other way round - or worse, they haven’t a clue what I’m talking about. It gradually dawned on me that there were two reasons for this. Most bargirls know little English beyond the ‘script’ which begins: “What your name?” and ends: “You pay bar.” They appear to know more because they nod and smile and say ‘yes’ every now again while you are talking - but in reality, they haven’t a clue what you’re saying. That’s why they are so surprised when you get started on that deviant sexual practice you thought had been agreed on earlier. The other reason is that they don’t know the Western terms for the zodiac signs. If you say the Thai word, they will usually understand you right away. The following site will help with this problem as it gives the Thai words for Western zodiac signs: www.siammatch.com/horoscope/index.html
Actually, it is an oversimplification to talk about ‘Western’ and Thai horoscopes. The system used in the West originated in the Middle East (Babylon) about 4,000 years ago and spread in both directions, East and West. The best-known Eastern version is Hindu Vedic Astrology, and this has influenced the Thai system. Vedic Astrology is broadly similar to the Western system except that the relationship between the planets and the zodiac signs is based on actual astronomical observations, whereas the Western system describes the relationship as it was about 2,000 years ago. This is the result of a phenomenon called the precession of the equinoxes. I don’t pretend to understand it myself, so I won’t try to explain it, but the net effect is that Western horoscopes are different by about 23 days, i.e., in Thailand you are probably the sign before the one you think you are.
Thai astrologers also use an adapted Chinese horoscope, the main difference being that the Dragon is replaced by a Naga. If you consult a Thai astrologer, you will probably get a reading that draws upon both systems. However, partly for reasons of space, and partly for reasons of familiarity, I am going to limit this article to a consideration of Western-style horoscopes.
It’s already sounding very complicated - so why bother, given that it’s so difficult to talk about it with bargirls? The point is that, unlike palmistry, card-reading and neomancy, you don’t talk to them about it (unless it’s to use the Chinese horoscope to double-check that your girlfriend is of legal age). The idea is that, before you barfine a girl, you can use Astrology to get an idea of what she is like - and the day after, you can use it to find out how compatible you might be for a longer-term relationship.
The hardest thing will be getting an answer to the question, “When is your birthday?” There are a number of reasons for this: 1) you have to ask the question in such a way that she doesn’t automatically assume it’s because you want to buy her a (very expensive) birthday present; 2) she might have good reasons to conceal her age, i.e., she’s either sixteen or forty-six and wants you to believe that she is twenty; 3) she thinks you are going to use the information to cast a spell on her. Once you’ve got that all-important piece of information, the rest is simple - just follow ‘The Dumbo’s Guide to Astrology’ below.
The Dumbo’s Guide to Astrology
Print this guide and put it in your back pocket before you go to a bar. When you meet a girl, find out her date of birth, though this may not be as easy as it sounds (see above). Then go to the toilet, get out your guide, and have a quick look at the characteristics of her zodiac sign. That may, or may not help you to make a decision, as you’ve got to factor a lot of other things into the equation, i.e., the ‘chemistry’ between you, her bra cup size - and above all the size of the tip she’s expecting.
Next day, when she’s gone home, gone shopping - or gone crazy, is the time to investigate in more depth. Compare her sign with yours to see if there’s any long-term compatibility. To do it properly, visit www.astro.com which will calculate full horoscope charts and give a detailed analysis of the ups and downs of your relationship (you will also need her time of birth for this). If you are really keen, you could visit one of the hundred or so astrologers that offer their services on the Sukhumvit road - you won’t be disappointed: they’ll tell you exactly what you want to hear!
One glance at the information below will throw up the obvious question - which set of dates do I use, the Western dates, or the Thai dates? There are two ways to come to a decision: 1) do some research into Western Astrology, Vedic Astrology, and the problem of the precession of the equinoxes - then come to an informed decision (and let me know - I’ve always wanted an answer to this one!); 2) do what I do, and use whatever combination of dates gives the best answer. The best answer, of course, being the one that you want to hear (see ‘Confirmation bias’ on www.skepdic.com).
The Signs of the Zodiac
Dates (Western): March 21 - April 20
Dates (Thai): April 13 - May 14
Ruling Planet: Mars
Ideal Partner: Leo or Sagittarius
Characteristics: An Aries knows what she wants and goes after it - that might be you, but is more likely to be your money - watch out for the bad temper if she doesn’t get plenty of it (I'm referring to your money here - not you!)
Dates (Western): April 21- May 20
Dates (Thai): May 15 - June 14
Ruling Planet: Venus
Ideal Partner: Virgo or Capricorn
Characteristics: She is kind, loving and has a good memory, but can be jealous. In other words, she’ll remember every girl she’s ever seen you with, and if she sees you with them again - you’ll wish you hadn’t left the bread knife lying about!
Dates (Western): May 21- June 20
Dates (Thai): June 15 - July 15
Ruling Planet: Mercury
Ideal Partner: Libra or Aquarius
Characteristics: The constellation of Gemini is pictured as ‘the twins’ which means that Gemini’s have two sides to their personalities - so watch out! - the sweetie you barfined could well turn out to be an aggressive money-grabbing ho by the time you get her back to your hotel!
Dates (Western): June 21 - July 21
Dates (Thai): July 16 - August 16
Ruling Planet: The Moon
Ideal Partner: Scorpio or Pisces
Characteristics: She is loyal, generous and loving - all the qualities of a good home-maker, and though she’s playing the part of a raunchy bargirl, she’s on the lookout for a serious relationship, a man who she can take to meet her parents, pay sin sot - you know the rest.
Dates (Western): July 22 - August 21
Dates (Thai): August 17 - September 16
Ruling Planet: The Sun
Ideal Partner: Aries or Sagittarius
Characteristics: She is beautiful and sexy, but can be big-headed and a bit of a show-off. These are the bargirls who, in the words of Stickman, think their sh*t don’t stink.
Dates (Western): August 22 - September 22
Dates (Thai): September 17 - October 16
Ruling Planet: Mercury?
Ideal Partner: Taurus or Capricorn
Characteristics: If she really is - a virgin that is - you’ll have to pay handsomely for the privilege - but you’re probably more than a few years too late. Still, some of those attitudes remain - perhaps there should be a new constellation just for her - the Starfish.
Dates (Western): 23 September - October 22
Dates (Thai): October 17 - November 15
Ruling Planet: Venus
Ideal Partner: Aquarius or Gemini
Characteristics: Look at her star-picture. The scales or balances say it all. She can balance sex with love, reason with passion - and what she’s giving you with what you’re paying.
Dates (Western): October 23 - November 22
Dates (Thai): November 16 - December 15
Ruling Planet: Mars
Ideal Partner: Pisces or Cancer
Characteristics: This is another constellation that should be replaced by something a little less symbolic - can any of you astronomers (when you’ve finished looking for pulsars, quasars and dark matter) pick out the outline of a nymphomaniac up there?
Dates (Western): November 23 - December 22
Dates (Thai): December 16 - January 14
Ruling Planet: Jupiter
Ideal Partner: Aries or Libra
Characteristics: An extravert - she’ll be the first one to dance naked when it’s allowed by the boys in brown (and even when it isn’t). She loves a good time, and will expect you to take her out on the town before taking her to bed. You don’t have to worry about being a butterfly with this one - she’ll out-butterfly the best (maybe another new constellation?)
Dates (Western): December 23 - January 20
Dates (Thai): January 15 - February 12
Ruling Planet: Saturn
Ideal Partner: Taurus or Virgo
Characteristics: Her favourite colour is brown - that says it all! She is ambitious and self-disciplined. She’s the one who is saving methodically to buy her own beauty salon - and she doesn’t mind who she tramples over to get it.
Dates (Western): January 21 - February 19
Dates (Thai): February 13 - March 14
Ruling Planet: Uranus
Ideal Partner: Gemini or Libra
Characteristics: Her key word is creative. When you get her back to the hotel she’ll show you her talents - maybe traditional Thai dance, karaoke or massage - and just wait till you get to the sex - then her creativity will really let rip!
Dates (Western): February 20- March 20
Dates (Thai): March 15 - April 12
Ruling Planet: Neptune
Ideal Partner: Cancer Or Scorpio
Characteristics: Pisces girls are my favourites - these are the sweeties - the real ones, I mean, not the ones that pretend to be just to get your barfine, and then go all distant on you. There’s only one problem with the real sweeties - it’s too easy to fall in love with them.
That brings to an end our brief survey of Thai girls, sex and the supernatural. Of course, there are many other supernatural topics, but most of the others are problematic when it comes to Thai girls. For example:
Dreams - dreams can be interpreted scientifically (a la Freud and Jung, etc.) or psychically. In both cases you will need to interpret their symbolism, and with your Thai girlfriend, that’s not going to be easy. Her subconscious mind is filled with a jumble of Western and Thai symbols ranging from mobile phones to himmapan - don’t know what himmapan are? - point proven!
Ghosts - this is a good one, but there’s not much to say about it. Just take your Thai girl to a place which she thinks is haunted and you’ll get the wildest cuddles you’ve ever had - but don’t forget the joss sticks. Until she’s said the appropriate prayers to Buddha she’s be too scared to think of anything else!
Levitation - a good party trick, this, but there needs to be at least five of you to do it - does your budget stretch to barfining four girls?
Numerology - good for you accountancy types and Suduko fanatics - but, as a musician, I’m not much good at counting past 16 (or sometimes 32) so you’ll have to research that one yourself.
Ouija board - scary! I’d leave it alone if I were you. In any case, since your Thai girlfriend has trouble using the Roman alphabet, it’s likely that any Thai ghost will have even more difficulty. Of course, you could always use Thai letters - but can you read them?
Phreonology - once considered a science, this is the art of reading the bumps on a person’s head. However, the head is considered sacred in Buddhist culture, so you’d only cause offence (if you haven’t already done so by pointing your feet, eating with your left hand, or walking all over the currency).
Spells - you could bone up on a few ‘real’ spells by visiting www.luckymojo.com/spells.html - but why waste your time - any mumbo jumbo will do! At last those French verb conjugations will come in useful - remember - je donne, tu donnes, il donne, nouns donnons, etc.
Tea cup reading - this was one of my favourites - until tea bags spoiled the fun. However, you won’t even get that far in Thailand. Traditional Thai tea is taken iced and is made with tea powder. No leaves = no reading!
© Bangkok Byron, 2007. All rights reserved by the author.