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One morning, while staying in Pattaya with a friend of mine, and a couple of ladies, our Thai friend arrived from Bangkok. A Thai man bearing gifts! He always arranges to take some time off from work when we are over, just to hang out for a couple of days. He always brings some presents, such as food for the girls, whiskey and beers for us, etc. A good guy, and always very helpful. I bring him a pair of Levi jeans and other goodies from the states whenever I come over.

He asks us what we would like to do that day, and we say we would like to rent a boat, and go fishing and snorkeling, and check out the islands in the gulf. He gets on the phone and calls his friend Khun Sumai, who lives in Pattaya, and whom he has hooked us up with for our stays there. If you need something, Sumai can get it for you, for a price, sure, but nothing exhorbitant really.

Now you wouldn't believe it to look at this guy Sumai, but, he's married, with a few kids, has a girlfriend that he keeps in a flat in Pattaya, and another girlfriend in Bangkok who he supports. What a little stud muffin! He is homely as hell, and skinny as a toothpick. My man Sumai! All right guy.

Well, our friend tells us Sumai has a friend with a boat and captain we can rent for 3,000 baht for the day. No problem. We ask him to arrange it, and he calls Sumai back and sets everything up. Fishing poles, tackle and bait, snorkel gear, ice chest and beers, and soft drinks, ice, and of course, food for the ladies.

Our Thai friend leaves to go meet Sumai, and we all shower and get ready to go. We order some room service breakfast before jumping in the shower. My lady and I grab a sweet little quickie while in the shower, to satisfy our raging horniness, not knowing when next we will be able to fulfill our lusty needs. We eat our breakfast and grab our gear, and head to the lobby to wait for friend and Sumai's return.

The girls sit on a sofa in the lobby, jabbering away about who knows what, and my friend and I notice the bar is open. What luck! We go order a couple of Bloody Marys to calm our nerves, and relieve that nagging little throbbing caused by last night's indulgences. After a couple drinks each for my friend and I our Thai friend and Sumai show up, and we all pile into a baht bus, and head for the pier, feeling much better now, and looking forward to a day of fishing and such.

On arrival at the pier we spy a huge boat tied to the pier. It has to be a good 60 or 70 feet long at least. The lower deck has a cabin running from fore to aft, and a large deck forward, and a large aft deck shaded by the top deck, with a picnic table and huge cooler, and even a dive platform. Forward is a ladder leading to the top deck. Upstairs is a huge area, covered by a blue and white striped canvas awning. About fifteen or twenty canvas and wood lounge chairs line the deck. "What a great deal!" my friend and I say to each other. Just us and our ladies, and the captain, with this whole big boat to play on. All right!

Mr. Sumai introduces us to the captain. The captain is a small guy, around 60 yrs. old, brown as a nut, and wrinkled as a prune from long exposure to sun and sea. When he smiles he exposes many gaps from missing teeth. I like him already! His name is Captain Dee. We say goodbye to our friend and Sumai. Our Thai friend is going to hang with his friend Sumai for a while, and says he'll meet us later on at the beach on the largest island, where they have food, and booze, and just about everything else you would need. We wave goodbye and cast off.

All of our supplies have already been brought aboard, and stashed in the cooler, by the captain and Sumai, prior to our being picked up at the hotel. My friend and I grab a cold beer from the ice chest, and explore the boat for a while. Up front, in the bow, is a fairly large section where we can easily fish from. Two old fishing rods, of undetermined origin and manufacture, lean against the bulkhead. What the hell, as long as they work. A couple of buckets of chopped raw squid sit on the deck. This must be our bait. Either that, or Capt. Dee has some interesting dietary requirements we decide.

The ladies have already found the upper deck lounge chairs, and have retired up there to sit in the shade, and eat, and drink, and probably sleep some more. As usual! I'd hate like hell to see what Thai women would look like on a diet of American fats and carbohydrates. These women can eat! A good thing it's mostly rabbit food, or these girls would look like Samoans.

My friend and I take off our shirts, and sit on a small deck at the top of a ladder running up from the forward deck, which has a couple of deck chairs set up, and soak up some sun, and some more beers. The sun is hotter 'n hell, but a cool breeze off the water deceives us into thinking we won't burn too badly. Yeah, right!

We wave to passing boats, and watch the scenery pass and shoot the shit. We talk about the women, the sex, how cheap everything is, how it would be great to live here all the time, how our ex-wives suck, or didn't, and laugh and joke about our past and present adventures together. Good times. Friends forever. That kinda shit. We've been friends for many years and been through a lot together. Good and bad.

Captain Dee stops the boat after a while, and we try to get the girls to fish with us, but they beg off, saying "lon mahk mahk!-too hot, very hot!"

"Screw 'em!" I say, laughing (literally and figuratively) to my friend. "Let's fish!"

We bait up and cast our rods. Capt. Dee joins us with a hand line, and we offer him a beer, which he accepts. We fish, and broil in the sun, and drink ice cold beers.

After my first trip to the smelly ass head (errr, bathroom. Sorry, I was in the Navy.) I vow to do all my future urinating off the dive platform at the back of the boat, and warn my friend while laughing.

"Whew! Holy shit. What a stench!" I complain.

"Is it that bad?" he asks. He has to go too.

"Hey! Don't believe me. Go take a whiff for yourself buddy!" I chuckle, as he walks to the head.

He comes back a few minutes later, with tears in his eyes, and his face all red, like he held his breath the whole time.

"I told ya so." I say to him laughing.

"Jesus!" he says, "Wow! That'll make your hair fall out and shrivel your lungs!"

We laugh, and he also vows to piss off the dive platform from now on. We catch a few fish, nothing over 12" or so, and Capt. Dee moves the boat some, to maybe find better fishing. We fish for a few more hours, relaxing and drinking, and frying in the hot sun.

I talk with Dee in my limited Thai, and his limited English, and we get along all right this way. He tells me he has two older boys living on their own, and a couple of younger daughters still living at home. He has been a sailor and fisherman all his life, but the fishing is not so good anymore here, as the big net trawlers come by and scoop up all the fish.

Later he takes us to some coral reefs, and we do some swimming and snorkeling. The snorkeling is great! Brain coral, and sea fans, and tons of gorgeous, colorful, little fish, and black spiny sea urchins are everywhere.

The ladies are awake, suprisingly, and watching us, and we coax them into a couple of inner tubes Dee has aboard the boat. I show my lady how to put on the face mask, and how to breath through the snorkel and stick her face in the water to see what's below. I push her around for a while on the inner tube while she checks out the coral reef wild life. About an hour or so later we climb back aboard, and Capt. Dee takes us over to the island we are supposed to meet our Thai friend at. We switch from his boat to a smaller long tail boat, which brings us ashore for a few baht.

When we reach the island beach our friend is there waiting for us. He's sucking on a Singha beer, and wearing a little speedo ball hugger bathing suit. Quite the sight! He loves to swim, and is a very good swimmer. We go out for a swim with him for a bit, then grab some lounge chairs and umbrellas next to our ladies, and order some food and beers.

In the open air restaurant facing the beach are a bunch of picnic tables, and beer coolers, and a couple of blue concrete wading pool type holding tanks, with spiny lobsters and crabs in them for sale to eat. You can choose which crustacean is to your liking, and order it cooked up for eating. My friend and I check out the crabs and lobsters. They have a shitload in the tanks. The crabs are some real beauties, a beautiful blue and orange color, with long big strong claws like a fiddler crab, which are held closed with thick, green, rubber bands.

I leave my friend at the holding tanks, and go back to my lounge chair to finish my beer, and wait for the food we'd ordered.

After about ten minutes my friend comes walking out of the restaurant.

"Look!" he says to me.

I turn in my chair and look at him, and there he is, holding one of the big blue crabs by the ass in his hand.

"I bought him, and I'm gonna let him go in the water." he says smiling.

"Why?" I say to him.

"I felt sorry for him. So I bought him, and now I'm going to set him free!" he says with a slight slur, and a goofy grin.

In my mind I start trying to count up how many beers the lad has had. What the hell? He walks away smiling toward the water, to release his new found friend.

All of a sudden he lets out a howl of pain. The crab had reached back and chomped down on his index finger with a grip of steel. My friend is howling, and dancing around, shaking his hand with the crab dangling from his finger. What a sight! This is priceless! Next time, I swear, I'm bringing my cam 'corder. I wish I could have caught this act for future posterity! I am howling myself, only in laughter, not pain. I thought I would piss myself I was laughing so hard! Meanwhile, my friend continued his dancing and howling, much to the amusement of the other tourists, and the locals are laughing hardest of all. He finally flings the ungrateful crustacean from the grasp of his finger and onto the sand. The crab backed away from him toward the water, waving his claws at my friend in a menacing manner. I was laughing so hard I thought I was gonna have a stroke! One of the local guys ran over and grabbed the escaping crab. Probably thinking that maybe my buddy would want to cook and eat the little bastard now.

Blood is dripping from my pal's finger, and he has quite the tear on its flesh. Must have torn it during all that shaking and dancing about. You should have seen the look on his face when that crab latched onto him! Priceless! Luckily that was the only crab he caught in the Land of Smiles, the big dope. Some of the women washed and bandaged his mangled digit while I continued ribbing him.

"Up yours." he says, "It's not funny!"

"Oh yes it is!" I bellow back at him and his glaring scowl, laughing still.

Another fun filled day at the beach in Thailand. God I love it.

Later on the local guy showed my friend how to hold a crab without getting chomped on. I don't think he was very interested in holding any more crabs though.

Instead of catching the crabs, the crabs caught him.


Thingfish