“Ducking for Apples”

Sign at a New York Renaissance Fair:

“Ducking for Apples”

Dorothy Parker, American Actress:

“There but for a typographical error, goes the story of my life”

Seems to me to aptly describe the fate of Westerners who try to compete with SE Asians in their own line of business. If, by some miracle, such a venture makes a pecuniary profit, in my experience they take exception to it, see it as eating their lunch and tend to find a way of pulling the plugs on it.

Now your correspondent is no financial whiz-kid, so this is just a light hearted troll through the money earning scene as witnessed in these parts.

In The Philippines

Both Hans Meir & Akulka accurately portray the merits of the Philippines as a playground. But for me at least, to live there is an entirely different matter. It’s people are friendly & speak good English but there is no morality, no ethics, no diligence whatsoever, you may imagine what happens when it comes to paying “Johnny Foreigner”,. So please, my dears, don’t even think about investing there. As for the poor souls who elect to live there with a Philippine wife “Abandon hope all ye who enter here”.

They used to have a saying.

It’s crystal clear seas, fresh mountain springs, superabundance of food, fish & pretty girls are so magnificent that the original plan was for Jesus Christ to be born there.

But they couldn’t find three wise men or a virgin.

Quite so.

At one time I considered building a freshwater Tilapia fish farm in Camiguin Island as a hobby. But there was no way to stop the fish from mysteriously disappearing.

In Cambodia

As a bargain basement whorehouse Cambodia surely has no equal, but for me it’s a distinctly so so playground. Gentle and sweet as the locals are, beautiful & affectionate the girls may be, I would find it to be an ominous, threatening place in which to live, let alone run a business. The interminable power cuts, the constant diarrhea from their near inedible & expensive food, not to mention the oppressive heat & stench of the crumbling streets of Phnom Penh render it untenable for me. Expats in Sihanoukville tell of western bodies floating in the sea, and Uncle Frank Visakay tells us that to run a successful business in this sad land is to set up a date with the gunmen. I believe him.

In Thailand

Spent very little time in the Land of Smiles but from what limited amount I have seen a decision to invest there is very unwise to say the least.

In Vietnam

It is plastered in layer after layer after layer of red tape, much of it designed to prevent foreign ownership. Enough to stop you and I in our tracks, except if you are in a “green light” channel (computers & medicine).

Plenty of Foreign Direct Investment coming in but it’s conducted government to government.

Plenty of freelance teachers too, forever proclaiming the merits of the Jesuit School of Management.

“It is easier to beg forgiveness afterwards than to ask permission before”

Oft times they boast of how (illegally) they make $1,000 a month from hotel contracts et al. But mysteriously, tend to disappear without trace after a while. Visa not renewed. Nice one, quiet disappearance, no fuss.

So how is a retiree like me to keep my mind active ? I just can’t do “nothing”.

Thus far I’ve solved the problem by forming a language club to enable the Viets to practice their English. Sixty members now with a plan to move up to 90 in September, mostly University Students, lots of pretty girls. Whooppee. But please don’t get the wrong idea my dears. I love them to bits but I’m their Papa, sometimes even “Grandpa”:. A joy to have them around though, keeps me feeling young.

Club Members in the bloom of youth

It’s backbone is the remarkable www.spotlightradio.net. Vibrant fifteen minute stories, both text & audio files, simple English, spoken slowly, perfect pronunciation.

The members pay for their own resources, rooms, computers, interpreters, but not for me, lest the authorities decide to skin me. Already had one police raid. They warned the landlords to shut the club during my absence, pending an interview with yours truly. I fondly imagined they were going to line me up in a firing squad and shoot me but much to my surprise thanked me for what I’m doing, asked me for a statement on the clubs methods & finances, even requested their daughters to attend. Turns out the Zone Leader (Mayor ?) intervened as I’d taught his daughter for free when I first arrived. What goes around comes around.

Dalat University Campus

But tomorrow is another day. We’ve gotten so big now that we’re putting Vietnamese Language School’s noses out of joint. Next time around I may not be so lucky.

I have an embryonic Orchid Farm just in case.

But how to make money in Vietnam?

How about outflanking the locals, ever hear of these two?

By far the finest products made in Vietnam are its high quality clothing, shoes & furniture, made to custom designs. As I write a growing army of British entrepreneurs is scouring Saigon for every available container to ship them to blighty whence to sell on ebay.com. Making huge profits by all accounts.

In Dalat there are several flourishing ebay stores, run by Vietnamese wives at the prompting of their American husbands. Each costs less than a stall in the local market.

Youtube? Even bigger rewards await on this medium. Ever heard of the “Zimmers”? A British rock group of Octogenarians with a lead singer in his 90’s. Fed up with being written off they struck back with a home made video of the Who’s “Talking about my generation” . Just three months after their unheralded entry into cyberspace word has it they were offered a multi-million dollar recording contract.

In my language club is a young schoolboy, plays Spanish Classical Guitar like Segovia. Sadly, he is far too shy to try for fame. Grrr.. I “know” that the millions of prosperous Vietnamese expats in the US, Canada & Oz would cough up to hear him.

At a more mundane level watch this space, for surely as night follows day junior Stephen Spielbergs will enjoy a handsome living through youtube’s subscription channels.

Jobs

The Vietnamese are desperate to learn English, so teaching jobs abound, mostly in HCMC or Hanoi, circa $20-30 per hour. Working conditions in my adopted country seems to me to be remarkably similar to that described as prevailing in Thailand. The same badly managed private schools, profit driven, where working god’s own hours is de rigour, the same orderly state controlled enterprises with 50 to 60, even 100 students per class. But there still some gems around.

In particular I met a middle aged Aussie couple in HCMC having the time of their lives, taught as a couple Presumably they were able to act as a bulwark against all the crap that was thrown at them.

The Orientals firmly believe that Teacher will talk, Students will shut up & listen and “write this down” Ok for history perhaps but hardly good for conversational linguistics.

One time I had a surprisingly enjoyable stint in a luxury Saigon kindergarten for a while. It was exceedingly well managed with competent Vietnamese teachers controlling the little horrors. Free pool & gourmet nosh. Twenty dollars an hour but only one hour per day, that’s enough to live on in Vietnam.

I leave you with a memorable quote from Donald Trump:

“Money was never a big motivation for me, except as a way to keep score. The real excitement is playing the game.”

‘Xactly so

Grumpy

Those who from the heavens came – Ancient Sumerian text

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