Escaping

Have you ever been in a hotel lobby around 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning and seen some guy checking out of the hotel? Where is he going? The planes don't start leaving the airport until around 6:20 in the morning. The earliest you need to check out is around 3:30 a.m. or even later. So what is the deal with the guy who is checking out at 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning? There aren't any buses or trains running. No planes. I'll tell you what he is doing because I have done it.

He is escaping. Something has gone wrong with him and his honey bunny and her soft liquid pools of brown eyed love have become flinty chips of hate. In a billionth of an instant. What is known in physics as a nanosecond. No man on the planet can emotionally move that fast. What have you done to earn this life threatening hate? You don't know! How could you? You are just an ignorant, insensitive, ex slave master with fond memories of Colonialism and Imperialism. Too much detail? Ok, you're a man: ergo you can't possibly know what women know because apparently they have a direct link to . . . ah forget it.

Anyway, you are an ignorant western pig whereas she is just a little itty bitty honey bunny with a stuffed animal backpack and Mickey Mouse underpants. And you can't depend on other farangs for help. Because every one of them that is one day younger than you or one pound lighter than you has nothing but contempt for you. Hell, you are lucky the other white guys allow you to live.

So you better learn to pack fast. Because who knows, your heart throb who loved you and only you may now be looking for the police, or a gun, or an ex or current boyfriend with a gun. Or a knife. Knives are very popular in Thailand. Learn to pack in 10 minutes. And leave a coded note on the desk, or on top of the TV, or the bathroom mirror reminding you of where in the room you hid important money and airline tickets and documents. Because you ain't going back! Good luck.

Remember, it was only vacation to you. To everyone else involved it was about 'face' and money. The two incendiaries of Thai society. Start packing. Cram your stuff in your bag, do a once over of the room, collect your hidden money, and get your self down to the front desk. And don't just move across the street. They'll find you. You have to get a taxi and tell him to just drive for 15 minutes. Then get out and find a place. Now move.

On the two occasions when I have done this I have gone all the way to West Bangkok and checked into the Vienthai Hotel. And then the next day I have gotten a bus to Pattaya. Is this a big number? Twice? Twice, when so many other farangs manage to have no problems? Well, maybe; but I'm easily spooked in the Kingdom. One sign of trouble, one crack in the dam of domestic bliss and I am leaving faster than a swift from a burning barn. One temper tantrum, one thrown object, one pathological frown, one body grown cold as marble and you can just call me Traveling Man. Don't block the door, I'm coming through.

Otherwise, the two of you could end up standing in front of the boys in brown. Police. You know; the worldly, well educated legal elite with highly attuned investigatory skills that the country of Thailand depends upon for dignity and International respect. Her little brown shoulders will be shaking and great big tears will be rolling down her cheeks. You will have your Imperialist Colonialist thumb up your rear. The first thing you will learn to write in Thai is:

"Please help me. I am being held in a Thai prison. I am innocent."

You will write it in blood on little pieces of toilet paper that you will drop out of prison windows. And there isn't even any toilet paper!!

So if you see a farang checking out of his hotel in the early morning; don't get in his way. He's got to move. NOW!

Under some circumstances spotting one of these guys can be more difficult than you might imagine. If you are new to the wonderful world of red light district Thailand and you have just received your wallet sized laminated monger ID card, secret monger decoder ring, monger password, and instructions regarding the secret monger handshake (on the back of the laminated ID card) you may find monger multi tasking difficult. Let me give you an example.

Place: Mothership lobby
Time: 1:30 a.m.
Reason for being there: Obvious

Reason for being there? Are you kidding? Between 12:30 a.m. and 2:30 a.m. every night of the year the Nana Hotel lobby is filled with the world's most promiscuous and most beautiful women as the Nana Entertainment Plaza girls getting off work come over to the Angel's Disco. Cranked on hormones and youth (and maybe yaa baa) they come to dance and blow off steam. The scene in the lobby as they walk to this disco and then leave the disco later to go home is electrifying. Girls at the height of their sexual and poor decision making powers strutting their stuff. Under those circumstances it can be difficult to key in on the farang at the hotel desk checking out.

But the experienced hotel monger sitting in the huge lobby chairs can multi mongertask and he will spot him. So will you after a while because he gives himself away.

First is the time of the morning. What the fxxx? Where can he be going? Second is the fact that he shows zero interest in the sex show on display in the lobby. Now that ain't normal. Third is the fact that his feet are dancing as if the marble floor is on fire. Fourth is the fact that his rear end is jumping and shaking like he has ants in his pants. This dude is nervous. Fifth is the fact that he has a wad of cash in one hand, a pen in his teeth, and credit cards in his other hand. He is primed and ready to make this whole exit thing happen with maximum 'get me out of here' efficiency. He is bright eyed and smiling at the hotel desk clerk and totally focused on the document and bill paying exit procedures. Any moment his girlfriend with the Mickey Mouse underpants who has become a flaming flambe of hate may walk in the lobby doors with her boyfriend and five of his friends. There you have it newbies and mongers. The five signs that any lounge lizard will spot immediately of the escaping syndrome. Learn to spot these guys. It adds to the fun.

So now you know how to spot these guys that are escaping. Have some sympathy. Someday it may be you. Welcome to Thailand.

© Dana. All rights reserved by the author.