Attention Thailandstoryites, sophisticates, alpha humans, and examples of advanced homo sapien evolvement:
Below is an extremely partial list of quotes from Thai citizens, and expats, and tourists, and Thai business people upon hearing that Dana just landed at Bhumi, or just arrived at the AA Hotel in Pattaya, or is in Chiang Mai intent on doing tourist things, or is in fact in any part of the Kingdom. Read and take notes: a life well lived is a life rewarded by respect and appreciation and love. For me Thailand is a bottomless well of happy vibes coming my way. People appreciate me, love me, value me. I am the luckiest man in the world.
"Pretend you are counting flies on the ceiling girls. Cheap Charlie just landed." -- lower Sukhumvit souvenir sellers.
"Fxxxing cheap asshole. Always wants to negotiate on flowers. Last time I checked I'm a cripple for Christ's sake. This loser should get asshole of the century award." -- flower selling cripple on Walking Street.
"It must be the Year-of-the-Stupid-Farang. I keep overcharging him for fake Viagra and he keeps coming back. Thank you Confucius; and most honorable daughter and most honorable son keep an eye out for this fool." -- Chinese pharmacy owner on Walking Street. -- "And he is friendly while I screw him. Dumbest white person I ever met."
"They should call him Back Door Charley instead of Cheap Charlie. His idea of being culturally sensitive is to show you disgusting playing cards with disgusting pictures and . . . disgusting. I told him I needed at least 5000 baht. He is so cheap he is disgusting." -- Nana Hotel car park smiler.
"Time to put a deposit on a new washing machine. Fool leaves snacks and change out for us to steal thinking we do not search the rest of his room and find his stash. Thinks cutting out seat cushions is clever. Hello new washing machine." -- Hotel maids at the Mothership.
"Stay alert for membership applications from this guy: no way do we want him slipping under the wire. Bernie Tuppin stuck a tracking device in his shoe so that we can track him like a coyote." -- Pattaya Sports Club membership committee.
"Thinks a cola is a cover charge. Orders a coke. Pretends to drink it and looks at the girls like a Google eyed pervert. Fxxxing cheap farang." -- all NEP mamasans but especially Pim at the Angelwitch bar.
"Hello pocket money. Idiot can not make phone calls. I charge him 50 baht for cell phone calls. I stand in the middle of Soi 13/0 and yell to make it look difficult. Idiot." -- Anna: AA Hotel Activities Director.
"All flash, no cash. Probably has a dick smaller than ours." -- Obsession bar trannies.
"Thanks for the warning. We are immediately going to Bhutan, and Vietnam, and Cambodia, and Laos, and Bali, and Nepal, and Burma, and Australia, and Kuala Lumpur until he leaves the Kingdom again. This Dana cat doesn't believe anything we say, and doesn't loan money, and he totally disrespects us, and he is dangerously down on drugs and probably workin' for the police, and no matter how we pitch it: he ain't buyin' what we're selling." -- all politically correct backpackers with a Cummings guide book in one hand and a cute western Daddy's girl in the other hand. -- "Plus if we hand him shit he shovels it right back. Who the hell does he think he is?"
"Fxxxing farang dogshit." -- all scammers in front of the Royal Palace.
"Complainer asshole." -- all waitresses in all restaurants in the Kingdom. -- "This foreign devil actually expects us to bring what he orders. No appreciation of Thai culture."
"I wish I could piss in his mother's milk -- goddamned Cheap Charley never ever uses tuk-tuks. What are we -- criminals? Well, ok: that's not really the point. Hate the bastard farang." -- all BKK tuk tuk criminals (oops, I mean drivers)
"Powder your pussies girls. Mr. Easy just hit the AA Hotel." -- PBFA: (Pattaya Boardwalk Freelancers Association). -- "This retard is so easy all you have to do is smile at him. A one-eyed three-legged soi dog that answers to the name Lucky is not this needy. Pathetic."
"Practice spitting girls. It's feminist payback time." -- all white western women over forty in the Kingdom.
"Dana is in town? Great, because this year we are going to catch him. He must have a computer spreadsheet of all the Pattaya Go-Go bars and all the days that certain bars put out a spread of free food. It could be nothing but a pile of ten day old catfish heads and rancid butter, but he is on it like a dog on a bone. He eats, he leaves. Fxxxing balls the size of a moose. Freeloader. Hell, we don't think he pays for any food when he is here on vacation. This guy is so cheap he probably puts a pleated skirt on a soi dog to get a free ballslap, grunt, and squeal. Check out his hands. Probably covered in dog hair. Anyway, we are going to catch this freeloader this time." -- Pattaya Bar Owners Association (PBOA).
"I can't believe this jackass likes me. I have never smiled at him, kissed him on the mouth, or looked happy. He must be mental." -- Fa: Soi 13/0 Pattaya boardwalk prostitute.
"Jerk just landed." -- 50% of all expats.
"He's the man!" -- other 50% of expats.
"Dana is in town? Pattaya? Thanks for the warning shot. If he comes in to rent, or to dine, or to use the restroom, or to sit by the pool; we will just speak to him in French to make him go away (Fxxx the Americans). -- Ma Maison hotel and restaurant owner: Soi 13/0, Pattaya.
"This guy is back in the Kingdom? We'll email all personnel at the Pattaya location. He is the personification of anti-hip and we can't have him bringing the whole place down. Son-of-a-bitch strolls through our lobby and then out by the pool to use the guest exit onto Beach Road. Mr. Fxxxing Shortcut. He pulled this off so many times last year the poor manager had a coronary and had to be shipped back to the States. As soon as he is spotted at the AA Hotel we are going to stock the pool with undercover tourist police wearing bikinis." -- Hard Rock Hotel: 2nd road, Pattaya.
"Sweet Shiva on a cracker here comes certain money. This American idiot thinks he knows about fashion, and thinks he knows how to bargain, and thinks he can speak Thai. We once made a pair of pants for him from material used to make motorcycle covers." -- ITAOT (Indian Tailors Association Of Thailand).
"If this farang makes the 'fxxx' motion with his fingers and asks me if I sell porno magazines one more time I am going to call the police. Pervert." -- Woman in front of the NEP who sells magazines and newspapers and apparently has not the foggiest notion what is going on around her.
"The farang douchebag timewaster and spacewaster is in town. Never ever barfines or tips. Just a goddamn looker with his stinking coke. Hangs around the bathroom to catch the naked girls lathering up with soap for the shower show. Loser." -- Pim of Bangkok Angelwitch bar. -- "Just give me an excuse to stab him."
"Start shaving girls, he likes'em bald." -- Soi Diamond Superbabies mamasan.
"Loves shower games. Just bite your lip to keep from screaming from the boredom and soon it will be over." -- PBFA (Pattaya Boardwalk Freelancers Association).
"Don't bother taking his picture. Cheap Charlie ain't gonna buy nothin'. He'd eat sand rather than throw us a few satang." -- official picture taker on the Ko Larn AA Hotel beach and boating trip.
"Tell me when he arrives in the Soi 4 area--I live in Washington Square and even that is too close. Fool wears red pants and a Hawaiian shirt. I don't want to be seen near him. I have spent years building up street cred with the Thais. I told him he dressed like a clown once to kind of help him. The next time I saw him he was wearing a pink shirt, crocodile shoes, and black reptile pants. Hopeless." -- Expat Peter from Washington Square.
"We are on the alert. When we spot him trying to get free pics in the parking lot after one of our shows we are going to surround him and kick his nuts into jelly. No wait, he'd probably like that. We are just going to stab him. No wait, he'd probably like that. We'll think of something. Pig." -- showgirls from the Tiffany's and Alcazar cabaret tranny shows.
"Well, it is nice to know that Mr. Big Shot is in town. Every day he strolls through our lobby in his black armadillo pants and his pink silk shirt and his crocodile briefcase and his crocodile shoes and sits himself down in one of our teakwood chairs by the pool and reads the Pattaya Mail newspaper as if he owned the place. He doesn't own shit: he is not even a guest. And we think he is stealing towels, and tennis balls, and magazines, and soap, and light bulbs, and lunches from the maid stations. We also suspect he is stealing copper from inside the toilet tanks in the men's rooms, and brass toilet stall door hinges--probably for resale. Our last General Manager had to have dental work done because of this fool. He had been grinding his teeth thinking this guy was financing his vacation by stealing from the hotel. We are going to catch this son-of-a-bitch this year." -- Management: Marriott Hotel, 2nd Road, Pattaya.
"Let me know the day he gets off the bus in Pattaya. I'll disappear upcountry for ten days. I hate the way he looks at me when I make change. One time he was wearing those stupid fake Jerry Lewis buck teeth you buy in a joke store. He thought he was being clever and funny, and that I would probably leap at him and beg for a date. It made me . . . it made me feel all sick inside." -- cashier at 24/7 Internet place with Japanese keyboards on South Pattaya Road in Pattaya
"Thanks for the warning. We'll start mainlining Prozac now so that we can handle the stress. Makes us crazy with all his stupid questions. Thinks he's some kind of international business man player in the high finance world of ordering two shirts every six months." -- tailors at Mr. Ambassador Tailor on Soi 11, Bangkok.
"Dana is in Pattaya? Fabulous. I have been dreaming about this for six months. It is the reason I am now an alcoholic. Last time he was here he tried to get in by showing my cashier girl fake coupons he had made up. Then he teed off too close to one of my windmills and smashed the little Dutch girl to pieces. After that he sliced a ball across Beach road and hit a big Russian woman in the eye.
'Drive for show
and putt for dough'
it was more like
'Hit a Thai child in the nuts on the backswing,
Follow through, lose your grip, and the club fling.'
On one of his more notable unathletic golf swings Mr. Doofus from Boston managed to lose his grip and one of my little steel shanked putters of death sailed halfway across Beach Road and crashed through the windshield of a Baht Bus. The ensuing fracas cost me a night's business. Think this is funny? How would you like to have this jackass show up five minutes before closing time with ten trannies in heels and dig up all of your new green plastic grass? Not so funny now is it? Finally I caught him trying to leave with a putter in his pants. I actually heard a freelancer say: "Hey big boy, is that a putter in your pants or are you just glad to see me?" He's a dead man walking if he shows here again." -- Pattaya Beach Road Miniature Golf.
"Dana is coming? Time to disappear so that I don't kill him. Last year I sold him an umbrella to protect himself from the sun when he visited the Royal Palace. After he came out he tried to sell it back to me!" -- Mulberry bark umbrella seller across the street from the Royal Palace.
"If this jerkwad kicks me in the backs of the ears one more time I am going to stomp him." --Chiang Mai tourist elephant.
"He's in the Kingdom? Please tell us as soon as he hits the AA Hotel so we can go back to Isaan for two weeks. Too weird for us. He likes to put grape jelly on the bottoms of our feet and put peanut butter in his groin. You guessed the rest. Into the shower where he rubs our feet all over his private parts and calls it a peanut butter-and-jelly sandwich. None of us want to go to America now." -- the Good Girls of Soi 6
"Call the nutter police." -- volunteer police of Walking Street
Well, there you have it Thailandstoryites and Dana fans: incontrovertible evidence that a life well lived is a life rewarded. I can't brag. It's a gift. I'm a people person. Copy me and you also will live a life of respect and appreciation and love. For me Thailand is a bottomless well of happy vibes coming my way. Oh, and one more thing: if you want to score some cheap copper and some cheap brass meet me by the hotel pool any morning at the 2nd Road Marriott in Pattaya. Bring a screwdriver.