Hitler's Panties

Recently some sharp eyed readers of AnotherWebsite.com have spotted some possessive apostrophe errors committed by me and they have not been shy in emailing me and apprising me of my grammatical knowledge deficiencies. One gentleman in particular has apparently made it his life's work to search every one of my submissions for apostrophe errors. It must be nice to have a mission in life. I imagine him with a magnifying glass, and a green eye shade, and a goiter in the kerosene lamp lit fifth floor walk up of a burned out building in Stuttgart. A picture of lipsticked Nazi Reichmarshall Hermann Goering is on the wall shaking hands with a photo shopped picture of the Fuhrer wearing high heels, makeup, and dancing around a chrome pole. Someday I expect to see him wandering the streets of Pattaya wearing a T shirt that says:

"I Found Another Apostrophe Error In Dana's Submissions. Heil Hitler".

Anyway, the emails I have received on this riveting world crisis apostrophe issue have been a kind of living thesaurus exercise in which I have learned all of the synonyms for the word 'retard'. This does not surprise me since I am not the brightest light bulb in the hallway. I get most of my story ideas from old WWII military theme comic books, and a retired katoey mamasan just released from Bang Kwang prison (two years served for being ugly) does my typing. Calling me a retard barely makes an impression; but still, I am a get along go along guy so I have obtained a copy of Hodges' Harbrace Handbook 13th edition: an English language primer frightening in it's completeness.

However, before settling down to the HHH directives; I happened to pull up 'possessive apostrophe' on the Internet and oh what a world have I found. It seems that the wacky rules regarding the usage of the possessive apostrophe are changing. It seems that the English language is in flux. It seems that it is possible to be right and that it is possible to be wrong (my job) at the same time. It seems that it is possible to be ignorant and get it correct, and it seems that it is also possible to get it correct for the wrong reasons. And then there are the archaic and modern usages which provide fodder for the grammar police. Even notable 20th century playwright, mathematician, philosopher, moralist, peace protester, writer, and fruitarian George Bernard Shaw weighs in on the riveting apostrophe issue and opines that the apostrophe to show possession should be done away with entirely. And I paraphrase the great man:

'Fxxx the fxxxing things.'

After all, in the phrase 'Dana's penis sores' it is pretty obvious from the text and probably from the context that the penis sores belong to Dana. Who else? Is any reader imagining that the penis sores belong to a soi dog (ok, bad example), or a Walking Street tranny (ok, horrible example), or the local schoolteacher (Christ, another bad example). Of course not. Anyway, you get the point. Please: give me a break. Nobody needs this stupid apostrophe thing. I mean the guy in Stuttgart searching my submissions for apostrophe errors might need the apostrophe so that he can make entries in his diary like:

"Last night I dreamed about having my nose shoved in Hitler's panties."

but the rest of us don't need it. Thank you George for stating the obvious (have a piece of fruit): the apostrophe to show possession is redundant. By the way, as a barely relevant tangential aside; George Bernard Shaw's famous play Man And Superman was really about George in England on his fruit diet, and later in Thailand on his Viagra diet.

When stuff like this is pointed out about the Thai language we hear words like 'living language' and 'charm' and 'evolutionary linguistic elasticity'. On the other hand when I err I hear words like idiot. You would think that if my rate of correct usage of the possessive apostrophe went from 1 in 50 (2%) to 3 in 50 (6%) I would hear the word 'improving'. Au contraire little grammar weasel, what I hear is 'idiot' and then 'still an idiot'. The AnotherWebsite.com crowd is a tough crowd.

At any rate I am going to make a study of this possessive apostrophe business and hopefully make fewer errors. However, I am not so foolish to think that even if I get it 100% correct in the future it will make much of a difference. I will probably still hear synonyms for retard.

With that in mind I thought it might be helpful to relate a recent trip that I took to the Thai countryside and use it as a possessive apostrophe exercise. I will include the trip related without the possessive apostrophe and then the trip related with the possessive apostrophe. Remember it is an exercise. I am engaged in self learning.

Title: PHU PONG KA (without using the possessive apostrophe)

We loaded up the two cars with Dims boxes, and my backpacks, and her brothers beers, and her sisters things and headed out. Dims parents live in Amphoe Bung Kan near Phu Tog. Within minutes clouds unloaded their rains on us. We arrived soggy but happy. While the women folk were unloading their things and starting dinner; the guys and I went to Phu Pong Ka (Crow's Nest Hill) in the evergreen forest of Amphoe Seka. There we practiced shooting crows using Dims bra as a slingshot. Crows fell like rain and we used Dims mothers underpants to hold them. Coming back to the house with Dims mothers underpants full of dead crows I felt the pride of paleolithic man providing for his family. Crows feet and crows wings and crows breasts were all prepared in different crows ways and we sat and ate fried scorpions heads, and frogs legs, and snakes skin, and roaches wings. God what a feast. After dinner we told personal stories, and sang songs, and drank whiskey shots from her dad and beers from her brother; and of course there were beers for baby that I got a picture of.

Title: PHU PONG KA (using the possessive apostrophe)

We loaded up the two cars' with Dim's boxe's', and m'y backpacks', and her brother's' beers, and her sisters' thing(s)' and headed out. Dims' parent's live in Amphoe Bung Kan near Phu Tog. Within minutes' cloud's unloaded their rains' on us ('). We arrived soggy but happy. While the women' folk were unloading their' things and starting dinner; the guys and I went to Phu Pong Ka (Crows' Nest Hill) in the evergreen forest of Amphoe Seka. There we practiced shooting crow(s)' using Dim's bra as a slingshot. Crows fell like rain('s) and we used Dim's mothers' underpants to hold them. Coming back to the house with Dim's mother's underpants full of dead crows I felt the pride' of paleolithic man providing for hi's family. Crow's' feet, and crows' wings, and crow's breasts', were all prepared in different crows' ways' and we sat and ate fried scorpions head's, and frog's legs', and snake's' skin, and roache's wing(s)'. God what a feast. After dinner we told personal stories', and sang song's', and drank whiskey shots from he'r dad and beers from her brothers''; and of course their were beer's for baby that I got a picture of.

Well, how did I do? Which story did you prefer? Which one is easier to read? I'm trying and I think I am improving. I'm not smart about these things so I am still on the grammatical fence (ouch that hurts) about which version reads best. So please don't ask me to make a choice. However, I do know where you can buy some "I Found Another Apostrophe Error In Dana's Submissions" T shirts if you are interested.

Oh, I know what you are thinking. You are thinking this does not really concern you because you are never going to have penis sores so you really do not need to know how to use the possessive apostrophe. Oh contraire my little Thai scene soulmate: one introduction by me of my boardwalk cruising friend Fa to you; and you are going to tumble down the well of love like a rag doll down a mine shaft. A mine shaft baby. Like a rag doll.

And you are going to get penis sores. Multicolored bleeders, and weepers, and itchers. You'll be dumping so much talcum powder in your pants it will look like your little friend is doing heroin. But there is an upside. We could do some male bonding. You know, get together and compare our penis sores. Maybe flip a coin to see who will write a submission about it and send it in to ThailandStories.com.

Hey ThailandStories.com writer buddies: what are those sounds? What are those sounds: the shaft clunkings, and the steam ports venting, and the whistles blowing, and the couplings clanking, and the bells ringing, and the last minute vendors crying, and the metal doors slamming, and the steps falling into place, and the tracks groaning, and the rats squeaking, and the people shouting, and the birds screeching? It's the No More Possessive Apostrophe train leaving the station. Get on it.

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