I love to go to the beach. I love going to Jomtien Beach on the Gulf of Thailand and sitting in the sun, and drinking beers, and swimming, and watching the farang (foreign) men with their ladies, and striking up a conversation with some Indian guy with a British accent that makes him sound like John Lennon. I love this kind of stuff.
I HATE the beach vendors! I HATE coming back from the beach with some stupid knick-knack that I haggled for an hour over and have my lady ask me "How much you pay, darling?" in that nonchalant voice. Yeah, like I'm gonna tell you lover so you can tell me in that "you poor stupid farang" voice that, "you pay too much darling. I can get for 1 baht." I'd like to kick her right in that gorgeous little ass when she does that!
So I try not to buy ANYTHING (except drinks and food) when alone at the beach. Always try to bring your lady with you to the beach. She can keep away all the vendors and get you what you want at the right price. Offer her ten bucks to come to the beach with you. If she still refuses offer her twenty. If she STILL refuses tell her you are going out tonight to find a lady who really loves you, and will go to the beach with you, and keep the pesky vendors away, to help you manage your money right like a good Thai lady would/should.
I'll explain why fellas. Here is a day at the beach WITHOUT your lady.
You arrive at the beach in your baht bus. When you go to pay the driver he says 40 baht. Smile at him and throw a twenty on the seat and walk away. (You're still over-paying) If your lady was there he might still ask for 40, but she will tell him to get stuffed.
He'll say to her "He is rich farang. He can afford it."
She'll say "It's my money. I'm paying." and give him twenty.
You cross the street and approach the beach. Every body with a chair to rent within fifty feet will try to drag you to their chairs. Smile, shake your head no, and walk to the seats you like and sit down.
If your lady was there you wouldn't have to pick a seat. She'd tell you where you're going to sit. Now you sit down and the parade begins brother!
1.) The drink lady comes over and asks you if you would like a beer. Say yes! Pull out a 100 baht note and tell her you will give it to her when you leave, as a tip, if you have an ice cold beer in front of you at all times for the rest of the day. This is money well spent. Don't whine.
2.) A lady comes over and asks you if you want a massage. Don't do it. It'll cost too much, and you can get a much cheaper and better massage in a massage parlor, with out the grains of sand.
3.) Her friend comes over and asks if you would like a manicure AND a pedicure. Look at your finger and toe nails. If they're nasty say yes. But only offer pay half of what she is asking, and then bargain from there, even if she starts telling you about her sick children, which is just bullshit used to gain the sympathy of the naive farang tourists. Pay half of what she asks for, maybe a little bit more. All these people double the amount they will actually do something or sell something for. It’s all a game of bargaining. If you are rich and don’t care pay whatever the hell you want. My advice is for those who want to save money and pay the actual price for goods and services here. If your lady was there she would say no, she can get it done much cheaper elsewhere off the beach, she can get EVERYTHING cheaper, but she's not there. She’s sleeping back in the hotel room, so to hell with her. Do it! It feels great, and your toe nails are nasty. Make sure you arrange some umbrellas to shade the lady while she does this nasty job, and offer to buy her a drink. Tipping is actually not required and not a custom in Thailand
4.) The ice cream girl comes by. Tell her later.
5.) Another ice cream girl comes by. Tell HER later.
6.) The shrimp on the barby lady comes by. They look good, but you just ate breakfast a little while ago. Tell her later.
7.) The newspaper guy comes by. Ask for a Pattaya Mail in English. Good investment. He might even have a Bangkok Post or Nation paper as well for sale.
8.) A guy with bird shaped kites comes by. Tell him to screw. How the hell are you gonna get them back on the plane without breaking them.
9.) A guy comes by selling t-shirts. They are actually very cheap, but your lady will see them and tell you she could have gotten them much cheaper. How? What the hell is she gonna do, weave them herself?
10.) A guy comes by selling belts. Tell him you're at the beach, and don't need a goddamn belt.
11.) A guy comes by selling elephant skin wallets. Say "what are you nuts? If my tree hugging, green-peace daughter found out about that she'd kick my friggin' balls in." I do want one though. Hey, elephants die you know. Why waste the carcass and hide when it can bring income in to the native people?
12.) A guy comes by selling teak-wood wall plaques. I have both of them already. No thanks.
13.) A lady comes by selling dried squid on bamboo sticks. Nope, they taste like crap, and smell bad too.
14.) A pretty little lady comes by selling sunglasses. You show her yours, and ask her if she'll show you hers and flirt with her a bit. Good thing your lady or wife isn’t there. No harm in flirting, right?
15.) The guy renting the inner tubes finally comes to work and tries to get you to rent one. Yeah, right.
16.) The guys renting the jet skis try to talk you into taking a spin. Maybe later when I'm drunk, and have an excuse for running over my fellow tourists.
17.) The para-sail guy comes by and calls you chicken because you tell him you are NOT going up in that ball breaking kite. You tell him to get away from you before you stick his soccer ball up his ass. Tough looking fella, but you have had 3 or 4 beers by now and know you can do it.
18.) A lady comes by selling grapefruit and papaya. No thanks. It might upset your stomach and you won't be able to drink more beer.
19.) The coconut oil lady comes by and you buy some and smear it all over yourself, getting sand on your hands, and you have to go wash off in the water. The damned stuff does not come off!
20.) A guy comes by and starts whispering to you that he has rubies and shit to sell. He's persistent. You say, "What? Do I look retarded? Get away from me before I call the cops!"
21.) Don't order the Sang Thip rum and cokes, or Gin and tonics. It's too early now, and you'll regret it later on.
22.) Later on eat some shrimp and spicy Thai papaya salad. Have a Magnum chocolate ice cream bar, and flirt with the sunglasses girl again. Damn she's cute!
23.) Two little kids come by. They have little birds in wooden cages. They ask you to buy a bird his freedom, as it is good luck (chok dee) for you. You tell them to scram, but they are persistent, so finally you say what the hell. You pick a bird and buy his release. Upon release the bird flies straight to the water, falls in, and proceeds to start to drown. You jump out of your lounge chair, run down to the water, and rescue the stupid bird from certain death. You tell the kids they should leave this bird in his cage, as he isn't too bright, and doesn't seem to know how to swim.
24.) The guy with the big yellow banana thing that you ride on towed behind a speedboat comes by. You tell him no, as you're too old for that shit. Also by this time you have to take a wicked piss.
25.) The old lady with the chicken strips on a stick comes by. You say no thanks. You've had them before and they were too dry, and had grains of sand on them.
26.) The lady with the coconuts comes by. Nah. I hate coconut.
27.) The guy with the woven wrist bands comes by. Who the hell buys these things anyway?
28.) The kids selling the gum and cigarette lighters come over and pester you. You buy a lighter just to get rid of them.
29.) The lady selling those little fruits with the pricklers all over them (called Rambutan) comes by. They taste horrible. Too damn sweet.
30.) A lass comes over and wants to braid your hair. Honey look, my hair is about two inches long. Get lost!
31.) Repeat all of this 3 or 4 times during the day. Leave around 5 pm and go back to your hotel room. Drag your lady out of bed by her ear, put her over your lap (if you have one) and give her ten good whacks on the ass, and tell her if she doesn't come to the beach with you tomorrow to help keep the pesky damned beach vendors and touts away from you she's gonna get twenty. (Just kidding. Maybe!)
I love going to the beach. Especially Jomtien.
Later beach bums.
(The Central Scrutinizer)