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On a trip to Thailand one July I had a great time. We had fun hanging out and spent some time in Chiang Mai where I got to meet a friend who lives there year round, and visited a friend in Malaysia for a few days with another buddy and our ladies. Great fun, and a good time was had by all.

As usual I spent a week up country outside of Surin with my lady and her family in the village. I've been having more work done on the house and we had a party one night for family and friends. My lady's birthday is in June and her sister's is in July, so we had a combination birthday party, house warming, and engagement party. It was much fun, and I had a blast! I'll write about the 'engagement/guarantee' party someday soon as some of you readers might find it an interesting subject and gain some insights, and be able to give your own perspectives from your own experiences. Very much like a wedding it was. I went with many of my friends to another friend's wedding in Roi Et by VIP bus, and it was quite the experience. So there was a comparison I could make between the wedding and my engagement party. There were many similarities.

During July it was quite rainy at times and getting soaked was a frequent discomfort up in the village. I was renting my lady's friend's red shit box pick-up truck for the week while in the village and it seems my earlier spent baht (money) has been used to fix it up some. Hmmmmmm. They must want my repeat business.

As I said it rained almost every day and my adventures were similar to my other tales of "Driving in Thailand " and my "Village Life Tales!" If any one remembers these stories you'll remember the frog tales.

I encountered the same stuff this time, running over some serious amounts of froggies and populating frog heaven and hell with all sorts of new residents. I don't even worry about the dumb little beggars any more. I guess I'm becoming hard hearted in my amphibian slaughter and really just try to stay alive myself while the frog sacrifices to my shit-box truck god make the already rain slicked country roads even more treacherous. The damn things cover the wet roads like plagues from an angry Israeli God! It's amazing the amount of frogs there are here! But then again it's amazing the amount of water filled rice paddies that surround my village and the area about through which every road must traverse. Freaking rice paddies are virtually everywhere. This obviously is optimal living and breeding grounds for the little green jumping vermin.

Well, one day we had to go to Surin to go to the outdoor market to score some goodies for the party, an hour's trip each way to and from the village, and at least an hour or so spent in town. I wish there was a closer place to go shopping but there just isn't. Another morning was shot driving the well paved (yeah, right!) roads of rural Thailand dodging scrawny chickens, retarded soi dogs, belligerent water buffalo, slow moving farm equipment, numb-nut moto-cyke driving teenagers, ya ba (means “crazy drug”-actually methamphetamine) fuelled truck drivers protected by Buddha voodoo scribblings on the cab ceilings of their overloaded vehicles of commerce, and of course, suicidal frogs trying to make their way to a better life being reincarnated as a cat or something.

We arrive at the outdoor market, or as I call it, the eighth ring of Dante's friggin' inferno, and circle the area like vultures over carrion trying to find a parking spot somewhere closer than a klic to the damned place.

I score a nice spot just across the soi (street) from the market, amazingly right in front of my favorite Buddha paraphernalia shop, which the store next to it sells ice cold beer Chang. Best parking spot around! What a score!

My veritable mob of Thai village puying (pronounced poo ying = ladies) climb, chattering like a flock of magpies, from the back of the pick-up truck and descend upon the market like a swarm of baht laden locusts. My lass asks me what I'd like her to get from the market and I tell her my requirements and stuff some baht notes in her lovely little hands and off she goes, swallowed by the hordes of marketeers. She knows I am loathe to enter this hell hole of Asian commerce and doesn't even bother to ask me along anymore. Hey, I am a hot weather type of guy, but, the market area is at least 150 degrees (F) under those cheap plastic canopies and tin roofed stalls! If I'm going to take a sauna I at least would like a swimming pool and towel and shower somewhere nearby. To hell with that.

So I do my thing. Roll down the windows of the truck so I can at least breathe upon re-entering the damned thing without searing my damned lungs, and amble over to my favorite lady, the ice cold Beer Chang selling chick. She smiles and sells me two ice cold beer Changs for small baht and I Kup Koon Krup (thank) her and check out her sweet ass as she walks away. Nice bum! (I may be getting married; but that doesn't mean I am dead and can't still look. A harmless hobby really if the significant other isn't around.) Grabbing a primo spot under the awning in front of the Buddha Emporium next door I quaff my delicious brews and check out the ladies cruising the surrounding highways, byways and sidewalks. It's called girl watching, a noble and ancient sport at which most guys can easily excel with little hardship. Nothing gets killed, and no one gets hurt, unless your beloved catches you looking too long that is. Works for me.

I try to avoid getting nabbed by the retarded guy in camo fatigues who haunts the area bothering the piss out of everyone, and me in particular. I duck him when he spies me and starts to walk over by running inside the Buddha Emporium and spend some time talking to the stupid, deaf mute, Myna bird they have in a cage in the store. This bird can't say shit! Or Kii either. (Key=Thai for shit). But I spend some time trying to teach him some nasty words in English while waiting for the goofy bastard outside to go find easier prey. This Myna bird has some issues I think. He can't even whistle. Luckily the old man and lady who run the store don't speak any English, as I'm trying to get/teach their bird to say things that aren't uttered in polite company.

I get bored after a while and buy some Buddha mosquito repellent joss sticks so the store owners won't mind me coming in again next time and trying to teach their Myna bird to say "Long Gun is Irish" (He's a British friend of mine. I'm sure he'll appreciate the effort on my part). I go next door and grab a third beer, as the troops have yet to return. They're probably all passed out from heat stroke in the damn market somewhere. The wacko guy is gone for the moment, so I continue to stand about eyeing little girls with bad intent, (a line from JethroTull's song “Aqualung” for those of you who read vile thoughts into every wisecrack) and drinking beer before noon time so all the locals will know for sure I am a falang (foreigner), and damned proud of it.

A stray soi (street) dog catches me off guard by sticking his cold nose up my ass, trying to furtively sniff my valuables, my privates, scaring the shit out of me while my attention was distracted by a lithesome babe driving by on a moto-cyke. I go to give the offending mutt my size ten foot in the head and remember all the warnings of rabid dogs in Thailand a doctor friend of mine had told me about, so I restrain myself. I figure he must have been rabid to be sticking his nose up MY ass!

I must have given my ladies too much baht (money), as they're still not back from shopping. I figure I'll wait a little while longer before going in and seeing if they need a boot in the ass to get them to "leo, leo" or "hurry up". Sorry, but women just seem to enjoy shopping way too much, and will take all damned day doing so if their men don't urge them to “For chrissakes honey just buy what the hell we came here for and let's get the hell out of here and go home! There's a game on today you know!”

A lady and her twenty-something daughter enter the truck next to mine and back out and leave. The daughter was a fine example of Thai grace, elegance and beauty.

As soon as they pull out another pick-up truck is right there to take their space. As this truck pulls in I see, much to my amusement and amazement, a huge green bull frog is impaled on the end of the guys wind shield wiper! I laughed so hard I spit my damn beer out all over myself.

Yep. Once again it's been raining frogs in Thailand.

Where the hell are those women?


Cent
(The Central Scrutinizer)

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