Hi there. ThaiExpert here again. Since writing these articles I have received numerous emails (firstname.lastname@example.org) asking my advice on all things Perhaps the most common one is, "ThaiExpert, how can I keep my ex-bar girl happy?"
The realistic answer is of course to give her all your worldly possessions and commit suicide, so that she can go back to living with her Thai boyfriend and remain spaced out on Yaa Ba for the rest of her natural life. Given that this is perhaps a less than desirable option for the farang in question (although frequently the end result), this week, I will be doing a bit of a "Dr. Ruth" and will be giving advice to those in, or considering relationships with ex-bar girls, or as we thaiexperts like to call them "wostel's" (whores on single trick extended leave).
It is, perhaps, a little known fact that the biblical Moses was a hasty chap. After the 10th Commandment was handed down, he uttered the immortal phrase "Oy Vey, enough already" and hastened down the mountain. If he had hung around for a little while longer he would have discovered that there was indeed a further commandment, the eleventh, which was of course:
"You can take the girl out of the bar, but not the bar out of the girl".
This commandment was discovered approximately 1000 years later by "Ahmed the Greatly Unwashed" who realized its inherent truth and set up the very first "A go-go bar, knocking shop and camel laundry" catering to foolhardy Crusaders down to liberate the Holy Land.
Six hundred years later and moved to a different country and religious environment, this commandment still has an un-opposable force, and whether the girl has worked in a bar for ten minutes or ten years, it will absolutely define both her character and her existence. Farangs who wish to have successful relationships with ex-bargirls (Wostel's) need to account for this if the relationship has any hope of success, and so the key is *not* to take her out from the bar, but as completely as possible to re-create the bar environment in her new daily routine. The most important feature about this is the utter prohibition on simply *giving* the girl any money, which will only confuse her. In her stint in the bar only fools and drunkards would simply *give* a girl money, and a bargirl is only capable of understanding a relationship based on "quid pro quo". One successful strategy is to keep a jar by the bed, and have set rates for all activities. Sleeping together: 50 baht. Blow job: 250 baht. Sex: 500 baht. She wants a new dress, gold necklace, mobile phone, money for her brother’s cleft palate surgery? Say hello to Mr. Stiffy.
This system of course has advantages for the farang in question. He will be able to set and maintain a realistic monthly budget, as well as ensuring that his appetites are well taken care of. Obviously the exact amount and rates must be calculated carefully. The farang need to determine how much per month he *would* give the girl in question, and divide it by the approximate number of sexual acts he would want in a month. A small amount of time calculating these rates may serve to head off years of marital discord. The much wiser farang will of course calculate all this as part of a monthly "activities" budget, and ensure that a small portion is wisely invested elsewhere, possibly in trips to the massage parlour.
The more considerate the farang towards his chosen "wostel", the more steps he will take to ensure that his cutie feels safe and secure in a familiar environment. For example, after having determined the rates for particular activities, once in a while these must be reneged on. "You were not so good today" or "I only come a little bit", are good reasons for deducting a percentage of the due monies. If she argues, a warm tender slap up side the head will quickly remind her of your affections. Remember that her father and brother's have been knocking the crap out of her for years as a sign of familial love, so don't hold back.
Some farangs have suggested installing a pole, mirrors and dark lights in the bedroom to complete the scene. This is, in most cases unnecessary, and a "homely" environment can simply be achieved with a red cloth draped night lamp and a small hand mirror. It is a mistake to put up with any "shower and straight to bed" nonsense, and insist upon at least 10 minutes of "A go-go" before she hits the sack. This will also ensure at least a minimum of exercise. Suitable mood music can easily be achieved by whistling your own particular National Anthem. Other "homely" touches may include inviting all your friends around and "pulling a train" as well as frequent incoherent drunken rages for no apparent reason. Much satisfaction will be gained from continuing the traditions of "Slapping her awake at 6am for a quick blow job before sending her off to sleep elsewhere", "giving her 20 baht to get herself breakfast while you slip off for steak and eggs" as well as tried and true favorite of "would your best friend like to sleep over as well?"
It is important to realize that a Wostel who is not "on her toes" at all times will be, by default, be seeking to cause *you* grief, and this must not be allowed to happen. Wostel's are really only happy when the balance of power is clearly not in their favour. Given that bargirls normally work in a world of mistrust and suspicion, treachery and betrayal, it is necessary to recreate this for your Wostel. This can easily be achieved by cultivating a deep sense of paranoia. Why did she look at that guy for three seconds? Is that really her brother? Why did it take her 15 minutes to go to the mini-mart - did she stop for a quickie on the way? Incessant questioning as to her motives, actions and behaviour will quickly generate the appropriate environment. Further mood heightening may be achieved by used condom wrappers inadvertently left in your trouser pockets, phone calls from un-named "friends" and sudden unannounced "business trips" to Hua Hin, Songkla and other outposts of Thailand.
The final word of advice to those intending to settle down with a Wostel (besides: DON'T) is to remember that a nice fat, healthy insurance policy is the best way of insuring that your wostel will be well taken care of when you shuffle off to that big knocking shop in the sky. So for God's sake, never take one out in her name: remember, suicide is not always voluntary in Thailand.
ThaiExpert is not a real person, and his views, which can be rather offensive at times, are not to be taken seriously. The story is meant to be seen as satire, and is in no way trying to put down or the Thai people.
Furthermore, ThaiExpert's views and opinions in no way represent the views of this website or its owners.
So, please read this as it was intended, to entertain, not to offend.