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I return from the land of smiles a wiser and better informed man, as usual.

I have learned that while in Thailand I have to say a prayer to the spirits inhabiting the woodlands on the side of the road before pissing. It's more of a "asking for forgiveness" than a prayer really.

I was taught to wai (wai-ing is the making of your hands into a praying structure as we Catholics do as well) towards the bushes and trees and ask the little goblins and ghosts and nature spirits to forgive me for pissing on their property, but guys I really have to go, as I have had too much Singha beer, and the road is so damned bumpy, and I just can't hold it any longer, so please forgive my impertinence. AAAAAHHHHH! Daaaaamn that feels good! I call it a piss prayer.

I also learned quite a few other little ways to appease the gods and bring good luck to my (or avoid bad luck, I really haven't figured out which yet) pissing, driving, eating, making money, etc. I thought us crazy, guilt- ridden Catholics had a lot of stuff to worry about. You know; the Ten Commandments, mortal sin, venial sin, don't eat meat on Friday, confession, communion, go to church on Sunday, no birth control, Our Fathers, Hail Marys, acts of contrition, genuflecting, psalms, Stations of the Cross, Saints days, and all the rest of that stuff. These Buddhists have got us beat all to hell! They have more temples than Jerusalem I'm willing to bet, and just in Thailand ! And just about anywhere you go there is some famous holy place or shrine.

While in Chiang Mai I went to a temple up on the mountain called Doi Suthep. Nice place, really beautiful, great views of the surrounding countryside from the mountaintop temple. Another climb (306 steps to be exact), but not the challenge Khao Phra Vihan near my village house on the Cambodian is, (I thought that one was going to kill me!) but at least they have a gondola to the top. Although it was broken, so I still had to take the damned, seemingly endless, stairs, in the broiling mid-day sun at that.

Figures, doesn't it?

While up top my lady wanted to go inside the main temple area and say some prayers, and light some candles, and burn some incense, and get our pictures taken, and sign the guest book, and give some baht to the temple restoration foundation, and ring every goddamned bell up there, and say some more prayers, AND get blessed by the resident monk. She asked me if I would go in and receive a blessing with her. "Sure." I said. I figure I need all the help I can get, as I only go to church for weddings and funerals, and if it makes her happy, what the hell. Can't hurt, right?

So we go into the temple and kneel in front of the large golden Buddha and we say a few prayers. I ask Buddha to help me get back down all those steps without falling down or breaking a leg, and maybe could he see if the concession stands outside the temple could stock some nice ice-cold Budweiser beers, as they'd be really nice after

the long walk and climb up the damned stairs. I think my lady prayed for me to make lots of money so I could continue coming to see her, and to win the Thai lottery.

After the prayers we turn to the left and kneel in front of a monk who's sitting on a raised stone platform. The monk has a small bundle of thin branches tied together with some string and a bucket of water. I do as my lady does, kneel in front of him, put my hands together in prayer (wai) and bow my head a bit. The monk takes the branches and dips them in the water bucket and sprinkles my lady a bit with the water and says some prayer or blessing as he's sprinkling her. Then he turns to me, dips the branches into the water, and whaps me full in the face with what seems like a half gallon or so of water. Not once, not twice, but four or five times!

I'm kneeling there, with water dripping off my chin, blinking my eyes so I can see, and wondering what I did wrong that had pissed him off. Did I inadvertently point my foot at the Buddha? What the hell? "Maybe he heard my prayer about the Budweiser beers." I think to myself. I would've been drier going into the river with John the Baptist to be baptized!

I get up when my lady does and we walk outside. "Darling," I ask her, "Did I do something wrong in there?"

"What you mean?" she says.

"Well, why was he trying to drown me? He didn't hit you with that much water! Look at me, I'm soaked!" I say.

She laughs. "No, he like you. He give you good blessing." she says smiling.

"Yeah, well I think he thinks it's still Songkran (Thai New Year's) and he just wanted to soak a falang (foreigner)." I crack.

She laughs and off we go to take some pictures (Songkran is basically celebrated as a big free-for-all water-fight in the large cities. It's much different and more refined and elegant in the villages. A mostly different, and better, experience).

I also learned all the appropriate spots to honk my car's horn for good luck. Not one honk. Two honks are needed for good luck. Three is too many for some reason.

Ah God, I love this place.

(I hope I haven't offended anyone with my irreverence. Just joking. Sorry, but I'm not very religious. More power to those of you who are though.)


Cent
(The Central Scrutinizer)

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