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Sung to the music from the Wizard of Oz, "We're off to see the Wizard." ... We'rrre off to see the Buddha, the wonderful Buddha our God. The wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful Buddha our God! Blasphemous I know, my apologies. Sometimes I just can't help myself.

One night whilst staying in the village it was a Buddhist holy day. Yes, I know, another one. These Buddhists celebrate more holy days than an Irish Catholic nun. Earlier that day my lady asked me if I would mind buying some candles for the celebration, for the temple she said, as it was a big holy day and it would bring much face to us and her family.

"Sure." I said, "No problem. Up to you, darling."

"No, up to you, darling." she says back to me, "Your baht (money)!"

"No, darling." I explain to her gently, "It's OUR baht, yours and mine, you don't need to ask me to buy something."

WARNING #1: Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, say this phrase if you want to have any baht left the next morning when you wake up. NEVER! Somebody please kick me in my stupid ass so I'll shut up. Jeez, what a dope!

So we jump into the truck and off we go to buy some temple candles. An hour later we're in Surin. She shows me what store to pull up to and she asks me to come in with her.

"Nah." I say, "I'll stay here and read some of my book. You go ahead. I'll wait here, okay?"

She gives me an "Up to you." and walks into the store.

Twenty minutes later I hear her calling to me. I look up and she's at the door to the store waving at me to come in. I climb out of my Mighty X Toyota shitbox and amble on over to her and say, "What, darling?"

"Help me!" she says.

I look and there is a young Thai kid with a four wheel dolly standing behind her, with two huge boxes on the dolly.

"What's this?" I ask her.

"The candles." she replies.

"Candles? These look like support posts for a five foot high stockade fence!" I exclaim, shrilly.

"How much baht?" I choke out, looking at her with jaw agape.

She gives me a figure in baht and I quickly calculate it into dollars. Thirty bucks?! For freaking candles!? They're about four feet long and four or five inches in diameter! Holy shit!

WARNING #2: Never, ever, ever, EVER, let your lady go into a store alone. With all your/our baht. Always go with her. ALWAYS! Kick me again, ... please.

I pick up a candle and throw it over my shoulder. The damn thing weighs about 40 or 50 pounds for chrissakes. "We better gain a shitload of face with these suckers." I muse to myself. I put them in the back of the truck and off we go.

After a while she glances timidly sideways at me with those big, beautiful brown eyes and asks in a small, tentative voice, "Darling, You think too much baht maybe?" I have to laugh. How the hell can I ever be angry at this wonderful creature? I can't. "No baby. Up to you. It's for Buddha, so it's up to you." I smile at her as her face breaks into that glorious smile I love so much. She gives me a big hug and a sniff kiss and starts chattering away about how good the candles will look at the altar, and how the villagers will all be so happy and proud at this offering to Buddha, and on and on like a kid at Xmas who just got a new toy. Ah, screw you guys, I'm hooked and I know it. Quit your snickering.

We get back home to the village and she shows off the candles to the family and every one starts yammering away about good luck and such stuff. I need a beer. Freakin' Buddha.

Sorry people, but as I've said before, I'm not a very religious man. Maybe I should clarify that. I'm not a fan of organized religion. I believe in God, all versions, same to me, God is God, we just give him different names is all. I communicate with Him my own way, and He shows me the error of my ways in subtle and sometimes not so subtle ways. Don't get me wrong. I do not look down on others for their beliefs, that's up to them and more power to them. I'm happy for them, and sometimes wish I could do the same. I just don't seem to have the same capacity for unquestioning faith and obedience. Just me I guess.

Later in the day my lady informs me that at 8 p.m. everyone is going to the Wat (temple) for the service for the holy day. Will I go with her and make the offering of the candles? "Sorry darling but I'm not feeling so hot ( I had been sick with a bug and still had a vicious cold) and would like to beg off on the services. Give everyone my best wishes though, and please explain that I'm not feeling well. Okay?" I plead.

"No problem. Up to you," she says, not seeming too perturbed, but with a small flash of disapointment on her puss.

Hey! The guys that live across the street didn't go either, and THEY are Buddhists! I'm just a lapsed ol' Catholic altar boy. Sorry, jeez Louise.

I grab a beer and put a couple c.d.'s on the stereo and kick back and read some more of my book. Everyone else starts showering and getting ready for the services.

A while later my music stops. In the distance I hear what sounds like someone pounding on a drum. What's this? I look at the clock and notice it's about quarter of eight. I get up and go out front of the house. I look down the street and there is a guy with a long wooden drum slung over his shoulder by a leather strap pounding away and a few other villagers walking slowly toward me. As they came to each house on the street they would stop and beat the drum and yell something in Thai towards the house. Out would come the occupants, joining the procession, and off they'd go to the next house, laughing and singing and pounding the drum. The village dogs are barking and howling along as well.

After a while there is a sizable crowd of celebrants. Also some people now had wooden or bamboo flutes, and someone had some small cymbals or bells, and everyone is singing, and laughing, and yelling, and playing their flutes and bells, and the drummer is banging away on the drum. Finally they get to my house. My ladies all come running out carrying the monster candles to cheers and laughter. Two guys grab them and hold them up for everyone to see and cheer. They are huge frikking candles!

My lady starts to run around the house closing all the windows, and locking them, and locks the doors.

"What are you doing?" I ask her.

"While we at temple lock doors, and don't let anyone in until I come back. O.K.?" she tells me.

"What?" I ask, somewhat puzzled.

"Mafia!" she explains.

This I don't believe!

"Mafia! What the hell are you talking about woman?" I shoot back at her.

"You falang. (foreigner) Alone in house. Mafia want too much baht (money). Think you have maybe. Try to take." she explains to me, sternly.

Her sister again no doubt. Goddam her Sis and her endless Mafia stories.

"Don't worry darling." I say to her, "I'm a big boy. No problem. I'll keep the door locked until you get home. Go to the temple." I don't even believe this.

She smiles. "You be okay?" she asks.

"Yeah, yeah, go, go, have fun. Say a prayer to Buddha for me too okay?" I tell her, and guide her outside.

Everyone yells to her and the girls from the soccer team all wave to me. Everyone starts walking down the street dancing and laughing, and playing their flutes and stuff, and banging the drum. I wave goodbye and go back inside. In defiance I don't lock the door. Mafia. Jesus H. Christ on a crutch! I chuckle and shake my head in disbelief. I listen as the procession fades away down the street towards the temple. I start humming that song from the Wizard of Oz to myself and change the words to "We're off to see the Buddha, the wonderful Buddha our God!" I crack myself up and laugh. I need a beer.

Later I go to take a shower. Before going in the bathroom I go over and lock the door. Can't be too careful with all the Mafia running around here. I put on a Pink Floyd c.d. (Meddle), wait until "One of these Days" comes on, and crank it up loud. I take a fresh beer out of the fridge and go shower. Mafia! Ha.

What was that noise? I'm getting paranoid! Goddamn Sis!


Cent
(The Central Scrutinizer)