Bachelor Party - Part Three

It was easy to find Billy's room. The door was wide open and there were shards of broken glass being casually tossed on to the walkway. Ae looked at me as if wondering how  wise it was to go in.

On seeing us Billy said "Aaaay. Good to see you made it back in one piece." Bun was wrapped around him like an expensive quilt as Pow swept more pieces of broken glass into a dustpan and tossed these too out on to the walk way. "Have a good time."

"I think I'm in love." Ae kissed me as if confirming this.

"That's great. But you want to watch out with a bird like that. They can get very attached to someone like yourself. You might have trouble getting rid of her."

"I don't want to get rid of her. I'm in love."

"Yeah mate. Yeah. I can see that you soppy cunt. But it ain't all fun and games with your Thai birds. I mean look at this." He tilted his head toward Bun and she looked at him as though he was her God. "Classic fucking Thai this is. A few minutes ago she was trying to fucking kill me. Throwing bottles at me. Look at this !" He showed me a cut across the palm of his hand with a bit of cloth sellotaped to it. "She done it with a fucking razor. Don't even know why. But now... Now she loves me too much. Now she can't get enough of me. Twenty years old she is. And me. I'm forty five. I could be her fucking dad. But look at her."

It was true. She did look like she loved him. But she didn't look twenty to me any more than he looked forty five.

"Bun, love, you couldn't get me and Jo a coupl'a beers out the fridge. He looks like he could do with a drink and I know I could. Nothing like a cold beer after a fuck eh ? You could probably do with a bite to eat an all couldn't you ?"

"No. I'm fine. A beer will do me fine."

"You hungry ?" Said Ae as if it was her duty to be on top of things like this.

"No. I'm fine. I just ate five hours ago."

And she was up and using the phone calling in a whole list of orders from room service.

Bun handed me a beer and then one to Billy. "One more thing about a Thai bird. The worst of them might steal your cash, break your heart, beat you up and cut your balls off. But they'll never let you go hungry."

Bun hit Billy. "Why you have to speak shit about Thai people."

"I wasn't. Me tell Jo even bad Thai lady want give somebody food."

"Why you must to speak about bad Thai lady. Ae is good Thai lady. She my good friend for me."

And while Billy tried to explain himself to Bun in his Thai which was probably no easier for her to understand than his English Ae took a sip of my beer and then fed it to me from her mouth to my mouth before kissing me and making sure I had all of it. Pow looked on at this with absolute contempt.

After a few minutes of this the food turned up. It didn't come all at once. On the first trip was a pot of pot of tom yam on a stainless steel pot over what looked like a candle. A second man brought a tray with a large plate of larb neu and another larger plate with several pieces of fried chicken. The first man returned with a bowl of noodle soup of some kind and three plates of rice while the second man brought two large bottles of Singha and an ice bucket. Ae handed the last man the five hundred baht note and got a couple of red hundred notes in change.

Seeing the feast laid out Billy said "You could do a lot worse than this bird mate. She wants to feed you up. Probably reckons you're a bit on the skinny side. Most Thai birds prefer a big fat cunt like me."

We ate, drank, and I got engrossed in Ae in a manner that would have been extremely nauseating for anyone looking on. Billy was up and down with Bun, but over about an hour or so the down started to dominate and the mood soured. She was calling him pig fucker, dog fucker, rat fucker (I knew this because he kept translating it for me). There was barely any kind of animal that Billy wasn't a fucker of.

In response to this Billy started telling me how you couldn't trust anyone in Thailand and that Bun was probably pissed off because she hadn't been fucking any of her other boyfriends for a while. He then confided (seeming to believe these women were suddenly rendered deaf) that all these birds would be heading off somewhere soon after which he and I could head down to Patpong and find some "real" fun.

Naturally I was mortified at the idea that Ae could ever spend another second of her life without me but I saw that Bun and Pow were already starting to get ready to go out somewhere. Billy winked at me drunkenly as if being left by these girls was all part of his master plan to go out and have a good time in Patpong.

Ae apologised and said that she would really miss me but that I could go out and have some fun with Billy.

"I know you have another lady." She said. "I don't want you to like me too much. Make big problem for you."

"What ?" I said.

"I love you but I know you have another lady. Is better you forget me. I not good for you. I have to go with my friend."

"I don't understand. You like me or not ?"

"Yes I like you. But I have to go."

"Because Billy had a fight with Bun you have to go."

She smiled. "You love me Jo ? If you love me you can come find me."

"That's great Ae. I can come and find you. Brilliant."

"I stay Thermae. Soi Thirteen. If you don't know ask Billy. Billy know where I stay."

Then she went to get made up with her friends. Billy was saying some stuff but my mind was on her.

After she'd finished putting her make up on we kissed and she had to put it on all over again. Then when everyone was going I walked them all out to the street and Billy put his door on the latch while he got ten minutes kip. I could come back and wake him... Then we'd head down to Patpong.

Pow and Bun stood looking for a cab while Ae kissed me messing up her lipstick again. When a tuk tuk finally screeched to a halt right by us the drunk driver saluted me and offered me sign language admiration for having taken one - two - three stunning hookers to the Gao Sip. Ae stepped into the tuk tuk and watched me through the back until we were completely out of each other's sight. I had no real idea of what had just happened. Was it real or was it a trick or was it that singular Bangkok experience which is perpetually lost somewhere in the middle ?

Billy was completely out, sprawled in a near comatose state across his bed. I tried waking him up a few times but gave up and shut his door for him.

It was very late. When I wandered back up Khao San Road I found the grate pulled shut and locked in front of the door to my guest house. I wandered up and down the street for a while not knowing whether I was elated from my experience or depressed. Not wanting to think too much about it I walked into the Nat and ordered a beer and a coffee. After this I ordered another coffee. Then a coffee with toast.

Dawn snuck up in orangey strips as monks walked elegantly along the road in single file collecting offerings of food in their gleaming alms bowls. When they had passed, almost as if they'd been awaiting a stage cue, came the throttled buzz of tuk tuks and scooters and with them the travellers and backpackers and hippies in search of Paradise somewhere else.

With the guest house open I returned to my room and slept for a couple of hourse before waking up and heading to Patpong.

Tak was there. Her friends and family were there. With all the willpower of a drugged zombie I played the role I was supposed to play. We caught a taxi to Amphur Suriwongse. I signed forms I couldn't read. Nodded benignly in agreement to questions I didn't understand. When someone said "Say 'Yes'" I said "Yes" as if the whole thing had nothing to do with me. I was like one of those torture victims who'll sign anything just to be left alone. Except I hadn't been tortured. I'd just missed one night's sleep and been confused by an amorous encounter.

I sat there as a middle aged lady typed and watched a palm tree swaying in the breeze through one of the latticed windows of the office and heard Ae's voice in my mind softly saying "forget me" Part of me was saying "Get up man. Walk out of here a single man while you still can !" But I didn't get up or walk out. And when it was all done I walked out from the office and, with Tak's friends and family looking on, took the ring from my pocket, smiled sweetly, and slipped it on my wife's finger.