Pimps, Male Whores and Clever Little Hussies

Blame Marc Holt, his recent little text on female sex tourism jacked me into writing this. The reverent Bernard Trink used to go on at length about the Thai pimps/husbands in Patpong and the other bar areas, but at the time I put it down to a disgruntled old man pissed that he was already married to a straight, elderly Thai lady who wouldn't let him stray too far.

I suppose I was kinda lucky as on my second trip to Bangkok some twenty-odd years ago I strayed into Washington Square which then actually had a couple of go-go's. Hole-in-One I think it might've been called (Alaska Bar before that), just a single shop-house, but laid back and seemingly packed out with twenty-ish babes - okay, it only took about eight of them to pack it out! What was startling about this group of up-country refugees, to cut a long and convoluted story short, they hated Thai men!

No, not some b-gal bullshit to make me feel good – I often ended up where Mambo is now which was then a sort of Lao music dance hall where you had to buy a garland to dance and itself packed out with young working women, Thai style – live music and dancing gals. Pitch black at the actual tables, you could barely see what you were eating or drinking. Anyway, I'd often be the only farang there at three, four in the morning, with five, six babes from the bar – loose change for the food and bottle of Mekong, hundreds rather than thousands of baht.

Sometimes, the Thai men would spit out insults at the women for not passing the wealth around (paying for the Thai men's drinks) or refusing to dance with them and then the next thing you know a war is breaking out, the gals and guys meeting outside to sort it all out. I wasn't allowed anywhere near the actual fight as a farang would have meant ten times the guys; being beaten up by a bunch of women bad enough but actually having a farang see it...

The gals always seem to survive such madness. These were the kind of elder sisters who were cutting rice at ten years of age whilst the boys in the family were asleep in the classroom, as tough as they were beautiful. You tend not to see really rough hands on twenty year-olds, these days, from such damn hard work. Soul destroying on the surface (by Western feminist standards) but it didn't seem to do the women any harm...

I won't mention the sex as it will make you weep (just with one of them, not the whole pack; I'd be dead). Put it this way, I was thirty, would down six bottles of Singha in the go-go's and then do Mekong and Coke for hours and despite being knocked out by it all just a touch of her hand on my arm would have my member trying to leap out of my pants as if I'd ingested a whole pack of Vitamin V. Bloody happy days.

Okay a long preamble but I wanted to point out that I was spoiled by my first few years in Thailand, I never had the current paranoia about gals running around with Thai husbands and pimps Actually, the Norwegian's bar owner's Thai wife was supposed to have a local gigolo and then there was T who was a minor wife to some aged German bar owner and always had a young Thai guy for entertainment. So it was there but not directly in my life. I mean, there were a couple of mind numbing Isarn beauties who were so anti-Thai men that they lost their virginity to farang. Almost unheard of these days, especially now the women can't work until they are 20 and the local guys have five years to work on them before we have a chance.

Skip forward to six or seven years ago when a mate's Thai wife went missing on him. He phoned me in a panic fearing death or accident. I calmed him down a bit but could offer no real hope as they had a bit of a history, with her falling for some dreadful pre-op katoey in Phuket and then, as soon as the legal work was done on the marriage, refusing to sleep with him. Not that uncommon, these days, minimal effort for maximum reward being the current Thai b-gal ethos.

One good thing about Thai b-gals, they are treacherous, jealous bitches and it didn't take many Colas for one of her so-called friends for us find out what his wife was up to...

That was how we found ourselves in Soi Cowboy. If you come in from Soi 23 and keep looking right and upwards whilst walking towards the centre of the soi you may well see some lout looking out of a lighted second storey window, which gives away the location of one of the gigolo bars! Entered from the back of one the smaller go-go bars. Are you with me here? Now I must've done Cowboy thousands of times over the prior 15 years AND NEVER HAD A CLUE IT EXISTED.

Note this, it is the kinda sneakiness Thais absolutely love; totally in farang face but almost completely invisible unless you know where to look. Repeated over and over by the legions of b-gals who have tried to pass off the their local husbands as brothers, fathers, gardeners, etc. Just an unbelievable piss-take on the back of making face for Thais.

My mate being a large chap, fueled by drink and rage, charged on up there in search of his wife. Never seen such a seedy looking bunch of horrible Thai men in my life, most sporting sunglasses for some reason. Luckily the wife wasn't there or all hell might've gone down. We recovered our spirits at ground level in one of the bigger go-go's, mate going short-time with the first gal who paid him any attention (he hadn't had any sex for about six months!).

Wifey blithely admits everything when she deigns to turn up, saying all her friends do the same so what is the problem? The final insult being a demand he pay her bill tab for several bottles of whisky in the gigolo bar! Wah! Divorce followed shortly...

Turns out there is at least one more gigolo bar in Cowboy and that there are sort of rooming houses in many upstairs bars where the Thai husbands and pimps can sleep whilst their women are out working their arses (quite literally) off.

If you see a little bit of simmering rage under this treatise it is because I, who really should have know better after so long in country, got f..ked over for the first time in a similar manner by a fair Thai maiden.

I admit after a year of doing the bars, after finishing an extremely long term relationship (she wanted to go hunting for a rich Swiss of ancient mien and didn't want any kind of pay-off after years of free sex and a couple of kids – I think I was supposed to be heart-broken but the speed of light had nothing on me as I dematerialized before she changed her mind). Basically, I had forgotten how hard it is to find a decent Thai gal in the bars, not to mention that I was nearer fifty than forty. This little tale started just under five years ago.

That's my excuse anyway, and how I ended up with Kat (not her real name), twenty years my junior and so full of life she often seemed about half her actual age. Actually, the sex wasn't that great compared to the ex, although the new babe had a commendable grasp of oral sex (always a bad sign in a Buddhist country) and eventually gave in to some of my more perverse demands. The first three weeks were wonderful until I sort of sussed that she was into Thai men – well, not, men really, those dreadful runts who seem to pop up out of the sewers from time to time.

Every time she made eye-contact with one these horrors as we wandered around, I started howling, barking, like a mad dog and she soon got a lot less obvious about such trysts! I figured I could more or less deal with such desires by merely spending ALL my time with her. Whilst I was happy enough to divert some of my entertainment fund into her bank account (15k a month if you must know) it was on the proviso that it stayed in the bank. Figuring cut off both sex and money from any Thai husband/pimp he would soon emerge from the sewer death-rage spilling out of his eyes at the massive loss of face.

Ten years ago this would've worked, I am absolutely sure of it. I tested the gal in other ways and she was basically honest about almost everything and far from filled with short term greed, having resisted the temptation to run off with some serious dosh I left hanging around. But that f..king Thai husband was there in the background; I felt it in the way she made love; the occasional averted gaze and just instinct after being here so long. Okay, I basically sussed her after three weeks but held on to the game for four years! What little bit of information did I leave out... ah, well, I got her to grow her hair out, dump the Pattaya, walking advert, b-girl attitude (yes forgot to mention she was out of a Pattaya go-go, the number of guys who warned me off just on that...) and she transformed into a complete f..king stunner.

I tried every trick in the book to get this Thai bastard in the open. It took two years and 200k baht towards a house before I finally got a sight of him. A big muscular chap with a retard's face who had been doing the refuse at the original apartment she stayed at in Pattaya (the clever little hussy had her own apartment whilst the retard had a free room from working for the building). Once she had her little bit of Thai real estate she had to take the risk that I would not recall Bonzo had been working in her old apartment. Meanwhile, we had lived in Bangkok and Chiang Mai and I never had a hint of the Thai guy other than from paranoia and instinct, not even suspect mobile phone calls.

I confronted her on this and walked out on her, down in all about 500k in two years (compared with spending about 1.2 million on girls and bars if I had been single) so no great fiscal loss. Total denial from her, etc., and I somehow ended up returning to the house the next day (absolutely no idea why, I am half-convinced she had seen some Buri-Lam witch and put a “curse” on me). After I throw another fit, Bonzo does a disappearing act for three weeks and then saunters back, to the nearby school where he is working as a handyman.

The whole little community had conspired to hide the relationship, basically Thais banding together to help out a poor Thai gal who had a farang who wouldn't let her wander off on her own to see her deprived Thai husband (you can almost hear the outraged violins). Obviously my fault, if she could have got away from time to time, she would have been able to visit Bonzo with no come-back. I know this being with the gal all the time is an extreme measure but it is the only way you will ever find out what is really happening!

My next move, close down the house (lock it up so I have the only keys to get in so Bonzo can't lounge around in there and has to stay in his little kennel type hut provided by the school), leave Buri-Lam and head for Bangkok. Kat tells me I am crazy, etc., but comes along anyway – convinced that having got some dosh out of me once the trick is infinitely repeatable. Big mistake, apart from covering living costs she gets not one satang in profit in the next two years.

Here's what happens with Bonzo. He ends up working night security for one apartment we rent after we stayed there for about six months – the only time I see her get really nasty (unbelievably nice lady in almost every respect except the most important one) when she learns Bonzo has a new girlfriend in Buri-Lam from her family (my Thai good enough to understand some conversations) and the next thing I know he turns up in the apartment block with a beard and new hair style. You have to laugh. I was all for moving out alone but she denies everything and we basically flee into the night. I almost feel sorry for the Thai guy, he has just come halfway across the country to find that we are nowhere to be found.

Then I propose a motorcycle tour of Thailand. Figuring Bonzo has to work for a living as he ain't getting any money from us. I overhear a few phone conversations, the bitch is sending him on ahead, figuring I will be looking backwards. On the day of departure, I change my mind, decide to move into a another apartment for a month. Bonzo already zooming off across the countryside on his motorcycle. The confusion and incipient rage on the babe's face too much, I lock myself in the toilet and try to quell the hysterical laughing fit. I look totally f..king insane in the mirror!

This is getting unbelievable now - she was actually determined to take him all around the country with us - and I should be on the first plane out of Wonderland. I play the Joker card, get her a visa for farangland but insist that we are only taking hand baggage, no way she is going to pack the extra large lout into a big suitcase and take him with us. Ah, three months without the asshole and almost wonderful, mind blowing sex... except it is still a long way from the zone I enjoyed when I was thirty.

Yes, I am idiot but I finally got a hell of a lot of sex for my money, which at fifty is probably the best I can expect. This ducking and diving routine went on for a while longer, a couple of times I came very close to provoking Bonzo to the extent that he would lose it all and finally come for his revenge. I never hit women, but a couple of times I really wanted to beat the shit out of the bitch but relieved the tension by screaming at her to get rid of her dog-f...king thai asshole (within earshot of Bonzo at least once).

For sure, this Thai guy could've kicked the shit out of me but with all the built up rage I am sure I would've made him pay along the way. The hilarious thing was that right up to the end, she was demanding that I marry her! I had not actually caught her in the act with Bonzo therefore I had absolutely no right to accuse her of anything! She kept threatening to go back to Pattaya and I kept replying no problem but give me back my money (no hope of this but it makes the girl think she has won when you walk off without paying her off!).

In the end, I told her I would rather blow my brains out that marry a slut whose sole aim in life seemed to be to reduce me to zero face (yes, her English skills had improved immensely, to the extent that I had to change all my bank accounts, etc). Her take on things, common amongst Thais, she would stop all the bullshit only after legally getting married; my take on things, she would've been even worse if she had the power of a legal marriage. I got f..ked over by a beautiful Thai girl and her retard local husband even though I sussed her almost straight off; my revenge to extract two years of free sex out of the deal. Farang have been killed for a lot less! The only real power farang have, a quick exit to somewhere else. God knows what she would have done to a first-timer!

You have to understand something, the information on the internet about the way Thais girls behave has given farang an edge, but it is dangerous knowledge found without any effort or risk. But the Thais are acutely aware that we know their stratagems and I am convinced that they have rewritten the rules without telling us. All the old clues are already dead news, the locals have adapted and the whole country seems happy to go along with the rip-off. It is deep rooted, impossible to get away from – from gigolo bars in Cowboy, to apartment owners helping local husbands get jobs as security guards, to whole communities pitching in to make farang look stupid.

Thai Rak (love) Thai... the only reply, bye, bye!