Mothership

Greetings Thailandstoryites and lessor mortals: Dana here with a story you will at first glance be scarcely able to credit, but I swear with my balls on a pile of Ping's underpants that every word is true. To wit: I have been corresponding for years with a friend (well, not any more) in California who is also of the monger tribe. This Internet relationship has been ok I guess, except for the fact that he is wrong about almost everything; and I have to constantly email block him. You know how it is with the people in your life: you just consider the source. But there are limits.

On Wednesday the 16th of April I was sitting in front of the monitor screen minding my own business (farangdingdong.com) when I received an incoming email from him. In this email he apprised me of the fact that the Nana Hotel room rates had gone up, and a better deal could be had around the corner on Sukhumvit at the Majestic Hotel. And, by wrongheaded inference, the Majestic Hotel was a better hotel than the Nana Hotel. I know what you are thinking and I know what you are feeling. Me too. I sat and read this in slack jawed wonderment. A better hotel than the Nana Hotel? What's next? The moon is made of green cheese? There is such a thing as military intelligence? I am really tall? Exactly. Generally speaking there are only two things you can count on in life. And those two things are that in a descent into madness; it is a descent, and it is madness. But still; some things are beyond debate. Another hotel better than the Nana Hotel? Pleaaaasssssse.

First of all, scientifically and objectively speaking, the Nana Hotel of Soi 4 off Sukhumvit Road in Bangkok Thailand is the finest hotel in the world. Ask yourself this question: where else can you stagger in with a drug addicted prison escapee tranny and absolutely no one notices or cares? Exactly. Who looks foolish now? Where else do you have to dodge and slalom through a car park full of skanks and cruisers just to get to the Mini-Mart? Exactly. Who looks foolish now? Where else is there a hotel with a lounge lizard known as 500 baht Walt? What are you paying? Exactly. Who looks like a horse's ass now? Where else does a simple return to the hotel any time of the day or night include getting propositioned in the car park, hit on in the lobby, smiled at in front of the ID card table, groped in the elevator, and followed by the world's most beautiful females right to your door? Think you are going to get propositioned and groped at the Majestic? Forget about it. That place is run by retired shrimp farm women wearing 'I Hate Men' buttons.

Not to put too fine a point on it: the Nana Hotel is known as the MOTHERSHIP and the Majestic Hotel is known as the 'hotel around the corner'. As Bernard Trink once blurted out when he caught me with my pants down: "Nuff Said". Ok, that may be a little inside for some of you newbies, but believe me when I tell you; I just made a salient point.
Anyway, checking into the Nana is like checking into Paradise. You have left all Earthly cares and woes behind, and you are now floating on a Thai hotel cloud so choked with hookers that it will be a miracle if your baby maker does not drop off.

And if you are checking in during the daytime there is a front desk woman there with straight black hair to her rear and silver bracelets to her elbows. I don't care where you are from you have never seen a woman like this. Never has she not been charming, and never has she been accessible. Oh exquisite pain. What hurts more than the syringe just beyond reach? The lover beyond touch? The heart you can not share? Oh god, the needle like pains in the tops of the eyeballs from what you can not have.

A couple of years ago the management of the hotel made her start wearing a blue coat with long sleeves to cover up some of her jewelry. During her day shift it was just pretty much continual low level pandemonium with men from all over the world trying to chat her up, and look at her, and ask her name, and make inane conversation, and take pictures of her. Some of these jerks would push ahead of me. Pigs. Anyway, think you are going to get anything like that at the Majestic? Well, do you? I'll tell you what they have at the front desk at the Majestic Hotel on Sukhumvit. Harelips.
Not that that is a bad thing. I'm just sayin'. Harelips. Harelips on old fat retired fish farm women. Not that that is a bad thing. I'm just sayin'.

Majestic hotel. What a joke. No carpark hookers, no pool, no fabulous breakfast buffet, no whirlpool, no Pattaya bus service, no restaurant, no Angels Disco, no waterfall, no carpark hookers, no great location opposite the Nana Entertainment Plaza, no carpark hookers, no . . I think I have made my point. Did I mention no carpark hookers? Anyway, It is the MOTHERSHIP. Comparing the MOTHERSHIP to the Majestic is like comparing a 44" bust to an A cup. Hey, it's your choice.

So I think it goes without saying and saying and saying that I have once again (and for the last time) computer blocked this guy from California. What if my mother had read his email? How would I have explained that to her? Exactly. He is now known here at Dana Central as Mr. Insane Man (MIM) and we have initiated the paperwork to have him immediately and with extreme prejudice excommunicated from the IMS (International Monger Society). Standards.

Loose lips sink ships and he turned himself into a regular Titanic when he made that bone head remark about the Majestic Hotel being a better deal than the Nana Hotel. Pleaassssssse. We knew gross and egregious monger treason when we heard it, and we knew what had to be done, and we took action. More surprise him on his next trip to the Kingdom when he is stopped at Bhumi Immigration because they have a computer note that says he does not fulfill standard monger intelligence.

He is, as of this typing moment, officially banned by the IMS (International Monger Society) from picking up the most wonderful skanks, cruisers, drug addicts, diseased, wild eyed, anorexic, violent, and emotionally unstable honey bunnies in the world (aka Nana Carpark). His punishment is stored on the karma wheel and his punishment will strike him when he least expects it. No one will help him. Ever seen a half dead snake in the road in Essan because the first car did not kill it? What does the next car coming along do? That's right: it goes out of it's way to line up it's wheels and put the stupid useless snake out of business. This MIM (Mr. Insane Man) from California should be listening for the sound of cars coming.

You know what the real issue here is? Well, I'll tell you. Mr. Insane Man from California (who I am never speaking to again) has a bee in his bonnet about 'in the room' safes. He had a room safe in his tree house in La La Land when he was ten years old, so if a hotel does not have a safe in the room then he is not a player. Mr. Too Good For The Rest Of Us thinks he is slumming. Safes in the rooms? If he wants a safe in his room maybe he should go down to Soi Pattayaland 3 in South Pattaya and check into the Ambiance Hotel in Boyztown where the clients are all a bunch of poofs, and wiggly walkers, and limp wrists, and pansy talkers.

Ambiance Hotel: "No sir Dana, there is no problem if you are straight here. We support all forms of love. And if I can be absolutely candid; your engorged private parts pushing out against those thin blue elephant beach pants would be very welcome on the fourth floor in room 406 at 11:00 tonight. We have ways of delaying the inevitable and you will experience delicious love pain of the colon emptying kind."

Me: "Ok, just one question. Can I bring a straight or tranny guest?"

Ambiance Hotel: "Of course, but any love child you bring to the hotel must have an ID card."

Me: "What?"

Ambiance Hotel: "We have standards."

Me: "Standards? It's a bang house for back door slammin' and butt darts."

Ambiance Hotel: "Would you like to check in or not?"

Me: "How many of the mirrors here are one way mirrors?"

Ambiance Hotel: "Sir, I am very busy."

Me: "Ok, just one more question. If I do find myself in room 406 tonight after 11:00; and I end up standing on a box naked with my wrists in pink furry handcuffs hanging from the ceiling: where am I going to put my wallet?"

Ambiance Hotel: "Don't worry, we have room safes."

Safes in the rooms Mr. California? Come on, man up. Take your hand and put it down between your legs and see if you have any balls. Nana Hotel guys are not room safe guys. The MOTHERSHIP does not have any jive ass safes in the rooms. Hell, the lobby Gift Shop run by the two elderly sisters doesn't even sell condoms.

Sincerely yours,
Dana

Postscript:

Oh, and I just thought of something else that almost no one knows about the Nana Hotel of Bangkok. It is rated as a three star budget hotel but it is actually a five star luxury hotel. How is that you ask? Simple, the Nana Hotel pays fees and bribes and incentives all over the world to travel industry people to list and market the hotel as a three star hotel. Why?

Well, if it was listed as a five star hotel a lot of rich people would be attracted to staying there, and they would inflate the carpark skank market. The little dark skinned almond eyed honey bunnies would want more than 500 baht. And this would upset the hotel's regular customers. So as a service to their regular customers the Nana Hotel insists on only being listed as a three star hotel. If that is not five star hotel customer service then you can fish slap me with a harelip's panties.

© Dana. All rights reserved by the author.