Nine Little Stories

Dana

By : Dana
Views : 238

1. WHAT DIFFERENCE DID IT MAKE?

Once around 2 AM at the Nana Plaza I just hadn't found anyone special. I'm a little picky and not all women find me attractive. I'm not a rapist: I really want to fall in love. So I was headed home empty handed. That's all right. Maybe a little less tension would be good. Maybe just collapsing and getting a full nights sleep would be good. So I'm ok with it. I'm happy. And I love the atmosphere between the NEP and the Mothership. What others call seedy; I call exciting, interesting, fun, and home.

I'm just about to reach the sidewalk vendors on the curb when I look up and see something I'll probably never see again. There before me, holding hands, and heading for the hotel; is a six foot tall transvestite and a midget. Because of their height disparities the tranny's arm and hand is reaching straight down and the midget's arm and hand is reaching straight up. They were holding hands. I started to imagine what the hotel room scene was going to look like and then I stopped. What difference did it make? Good luck to them both. I love this place.

2. THE HOOK AGE

Once I was in the mountains of Chiang Mai on an elephant trip through the jungle. Part of the tour went through a depressing, desperately poor village. Except for the cooking woks there wasn't even any metal in the village. These people were still in the Stone age or the Bamboo age; they hadn't even made it to the Bronze age. The women were in tree stands trying to sell stuff to you that you had already bought in town at the Night Market, and the incredibly dirty kids were chasing people down and begging.

A peek inside the houses showed that they hadn't even stumbled across the technology of hooks. They weren't even in the Hook Age. Everything was just thrown in a heap on the floor. And the dry season pounded down dirt was going to turn to a quagmire in the rainy season.

So I'm up in my elephant basket thinking about how this is not really an attractive lifestyle when I happen to notice a commotion on the ground. Two cats are going at it. The female is screeching but she isn't leaving, and the male is pounding her like a tent peg. A little bit later on I hear squealing and my grinning mahout points to a pig corral. They are going at it like an A bomb has just been released at 20,000 feet and there are only 20 seconds left to live. And lastly, I see a rooster and a hen bonking like there is no tomorrow. What the hell. Maybe this wouldn't be such a bad place to live!

3. LEMON YELLOW DRESS

I like to get up early. I used to make fun of my father for doing this and now I'm doing it. Some things are morning things. You've got to be up to see them. One morning I got up early in a small village east of the Sangkhlaburi Reservoir and west of Bangkok. Ok, no need to get out the maps. I had no idea where I was. I strolled down to the main road. Not much to see. Dirt road. Mangy dog. Morning mists in the mountains. Refuse, and garbage, and trash, and building supplies, and discarded appliances, and plastic bags along both sides of the road. What the Thais call nature. Then I hear the far away sound of a motorbike. There is no other traffic. Just me and whoever is coming.

She was a Thai girl on a motorbike. Sitting side saddle. Wearing a lemon yellow dress pressed against her legs, and wearing pink flip flops. Her long black hair was streaming behind. As she passed she gave me a 40 megawatt smile. I know she was a father's daughter but holy Jesus God in heaven she was a beautiful woman. She does not remember the westerner she smiled at that morning but I have not forgotten her. And that's why sometimes it's good to get up early in the morning.

4. WHAT A WORLD!

Here in Boston there is a local Thai who collects tribute from local Thai restaurants. If I did not have a Thai friend I would never ever have even suspected this. I'm sure the authorities and the police do not know. He makes the rounds once a week. He gets a free meal and then someone gives him a paper bag full of money.

He came here years ago as a student and told everyone he had a connection to the royal family. He doesn't have a connection to the royal family; he is just a big liar. He married a local woman so that he could get his citizenship papers. Then he divorced her. He never went back to Thailand and he never got a job. I think it stinks, and I think he stinks, and I think the Thai restaurant owners who buy into this nonsense are fools. And they all think they are better than me because they are Thai and I am a Farang. What a world!

5. THE BLUE STREAK

Sometimes it is just too easy. I check into the Parkway Hotel on Sukhumvit and 5 minutes later the phone rings. I figure it is the front desk so I answer the phone. It isn't the front desk, it is some Thai woman who just starts talking a blue streak. Finally I figure out that she thinks I am her boyfriend. Obviously, he has checked out without telling her. Now I am thinking fast. I tell her that I am a friend of his, and that he had to go but he left a gift for her. If she comes over I'll give her the gift. I have a green silk bathrobe in the closet that I bought to give Noi at the Bottom's Up bar later that night. But Noi has just become plan B.

Well, the blue streak comes over: I give her the robe, and we spend the afternoon bonking.

6. A GIANT DUMP

My girlfriend and I are watching an elephant show outside of Chiang Mai. It's pretty interesting. The elephants have done this a lot, and like doing it; and even the baby elephants are underfoot imitating their parents. The elephants are beating drums, dancing, blowing on musical instruments, etc. Of course the politically correct would like to spoil my fun by pointing out that this is elephant abuse; blah, blah, blah. I don't believe it. I don't believe a word of it. The mother elephants and the baby elephants are smiling and it sure beats the hell out of dragging teak logs. Let's face it folks: there is no elephant paradise left where they can just float around in big swimming pools and sip on tropical drinks. Anyway, the show is well rehearsed and well presented; what could be more interesting?

Just then my attention is drawn to a group of Thais and mahouts who are laughing so hard it looks like they might break ribs. They are blowing snot out of their noses, and hanging on to each other for vertigo support, and blind with tears of laughter. Off to the side is an old retired elephant who isn't a part of the show. He's moving slow, and has saggy wrinkled skin, and his show days are over. And he is taking a giant dump.

It looks like he hasn't taken a dump in a week. So much green stuff is coming out of his back end that it is forming into a little mountain. And it is still coming. And surrounding this growing mountain of poorly digested plant matter are a bunch of German and Japanese photographers taking pictures and videos. Nobody is taking pictures or videos of the elephant show, but there is about $50,000 of equipment being used to memorialize this mountain of elephant crap. No wonder the Thais think we are all crazy!

7. I LOVE HATS

When I was in college my girlfriend's father died and she inherited parking lots and liquor stores in Manhattan. Suddenly she was rich. So she had a travel agent book her on a tour of Europe according to all the 4 star restaurants. Each to his own. If it was me I would travel the world buying hats and shoes. I love hats.

So when I see the neat mahout hats that are offered in markets I want them. But Thais have small heads and the hats are tiny. More like for the children of westerners. Why can't the Thais figure this out? If they would just make the hats bigger they could double their sales. Oh well.

8. STUPID AND RIDICULOUS

I'm starting to get my $100 bills exchanged at hotel lobby desks now instead of the currency booths. The exchange rate is not as favorable but the hassle factor is a lot less . The exchange booths (especially in Pattaya) are just getting stupid and ridiculous. If the bill has any defect of any kind including just being worn and tired looking because it has been in circulation they won't accept it.

They only want the bills that are crisp, and perfect, and new looking. Aren't those the exact same characteristics that forgeries would have? I tried to explain their illogic to them once, but it was hopeless. I'm intelligent, well educated, and well traveled. What contribution could I possibly make? So if you have forgeries, go to a Thailand currency booth. They won't take my money; but they'll love yours.

9. PICTURE JUNKIE

The average Thai bargirl is a picture junkie. She loves to have her picture taken. And you like being a part of this also; so you will happily go through rolls of film taking her picture. You get the pictures developed, and then you get to look at them in the hotel room.

So what you say? Well, when your little honey bunny is in the bathroom; have you ever gone through her purse? Do you know what you will not find? There are no pictures of her family (family is SO important in Thailand), and there are no pictures of her BABY. It's all about her.

It is not possible to spend time in Thailand as a tourist without being told how much the Thais are family oriented, and how much the Thai women love their children. There are 190 countries in the world where you will hear the exact same thing but apparently the Thais feel they love their families and their children more than the mothers and fathers of the other 189 countries. When I hear this I think of the empty purses of the women I spend time with. And I keep my mouth shut.

Like this story? Share it with others: