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decreaseLooking at An from another perspective...
A few months ago a board member sent me a private message suggesting I read "Inside Thai Society" by Niels Mulder. He said I would get a lot of insight into Thai Buddhism and I would understand the people better, especially women. Always one to take interesting advice, I bought it a day or two after getting back to LOS and found (1) my background in Sociology useful for the first time in thirty years! and (2) the book to be the most enlightening possible piece of work on everything Thai. It is amazing that the author can cover so many aspects of life in 135 pages.
Mulder's was brought home the first day I opened his book. I was reading about the little rituals Thais perform at the spirit houses and in the presence of other sacred objects. I have a small Buddha in my room and Pon (See "10 Unbelievable Hours in Pattaya") would always pray to it. I read that the supplicant enters into a short-term contract with spirits that are associated with the Buddha icons and so many others. The supplicant performs a little ritual, makes a request and promises something if the request is granted. The spirits are obligated to respond if the rituals have been performed properly. The process is "largely mechanical, for a specific purpose, and of relatively short duration." On this day Pon had done her ritual and prayed a little longer than usual. Then she picked up and fussed with the icon. When she was asleep I took a look. Buddha was sitting on Pon's lottery tickets. There was to be a drawing the next day.
Lately I have started seeing a new girl, An, 37, a beer bar girl who has worked in Pattaya for four years. I am struck by how "wonderful" she is - loving, giving, reliable and open. Reading Mulder, I saw that I could interpret her behavior through psycho-social forces he describes.
(For background, read my post about An, "She's an Angel, Part I.")
I began thinking that her perfection was a most excellent version of the Thai "presentation" I had been reading about in Mulder. "Thai society values smooth interaction the avoidance of overt conflict... Smiles and polite speech facilitate interaction in which individuals somehow flow past each other without hindrance or obstacle." (p. 46) She certainly smiles mak, mak (very much); is wonderfully sweet and polite. Although she has been a "girlfriend" now for ten days and she is incredibly loving and full of long romantic kisses and killer hugs and speaks good English, I don't feel connected. We are "flowing past" each other happily, but are not intimately close. She presents herself lovingly, but she does not love me. We make no pretenses. Her intimate life revolves around her family, home and children and, to a certain extent, around an Englishman who has done a lot for her.
It is important to make a distinction between intimates and "distant others" like you and I. Intimates are mother, family, age mates, fellow villagers and those who are very close. They are treated with trust and reverence. Distant others are from outside, "persons who are not intimate, who are relatively distant and about whom expectations are uncertain." (p.46) Bosses, managers, business competitors and of course foreigners. A lot of Thai behavior can be seen as rooted in insecurities and fears of people and things that are distant, fears that are learned in their youngest years - fear of an outside world inhabited by malevolent spirits, ghosts, fate, bad luck, tigers, and strangers is implanted. There is the threat that misbehavior will result in a child being cast out and made to live outside of the security and trust of home - "given away to the monkhood, foster parents, or in the case of girls from poor families, sold."
Thus many Thai people will be apprehensive about you and want to flow past you as pleasantly as possible. This does not mean without interaction. "Smoothness is often accompanied by genuine kindness and an interest in the well-being of the other... This kindness does not go deep and is no sign of commitment [but results in a] tone of life that seeks a peaceful and pleasant atmosphere." (p. 46)
On the night I plunked myself down in An's beer bar, what happened? Yes she is a prostitute who wanted money from me. But as a Thai woman she introduced herself by showing concern. I was very hungry and tried a certain kind of barbecued sausage for the first time. She helped me. Have you had it before? Do you like garlic? Was it too hot? She was kind and reflected genuine warmth.
That night I had a special problem and I wasn't there looking for a new woman. I was there to see a lady I had taken out before. This problem should be enough to scare off any lady as I had been afflicted with major cosmetic damage. Pityriasis Rosea I learned from the internet, a mystery skin condition for which there is no known cause and no treatment. It is a horrible patchy rash that looks like huge birth marks. The unaffected areas look albino in contrast. After about 8 weeks, is disappears and usually never returns.
I told An about it and showed her my arms. She was very serious and definite. "No care for look. Care for heart." She had sized me up as Jai Dee (good heart.) Complimenting me and showing "genuine kindness and an interest in my well-being..." Part of a perfected presentation to a "distant other."
Her "presentation" continues and is always perfect. She is polite, sweet, affectionate - the definition of "Jai Dee." She knows what I like sexually and gives generously.
I think it is an interesting question, given the clear distinction Mulder presents between intimates and distant people, as to whether a Thai woman can ever be truly intimate with a farang man. Can even marriage and children allow one so distant as a Westerner to cross the line from distant other to intimate? Many of the reports and stories we read on the board suggest not. Stories that talk about rather confused interaction with wives and girlfriends and stories of visits to in-laws and relatives. Even when the farang has built a house for the girl's family and even when they are married with their own children, the farang feels myriad things that confuse him and make him feel at best like an respected provider. (Perhaps others who have more Western-style relationships will respond.)
My girlfriend, Noi, from Bangkok is visiting me in Pattaya this week. We are really close and I am very close to the "intimate" line. There is no feeling of presentation in her behavior. She is more independent and not at all subservient. I was trying to guess at the influences that might make her different than other girls I know. Her family situation is more prosperous with her father being a relatively successful grape grower. Perhaps the Chinese influence of her mother is a factor, I guessed. While I was mulling this over, we had a talk in which she told me at length how and why she is different. She is from central Thailand about 100 miles northwest of BKK. "People not poor like Issan and Chaing Mai people. People not think about money and food too much like Issan. When I have money I buy for friends. When they have money they no think for friends." This is one thing I really like about her. She will always pay for small things when she has the money. She picks up taxi rides, meals and other small purchases before I can get out money. I think her behavior does not fit well with Mulder's "presentation model." I feel connected with her. We get along like soulmates and she has told me "before for business, now for boyfriend." Our senses of humor match, we pass the time together well, we love each other. On the other hand, I would not claim to have crossed the line from "distant other" to trusted intimate.
Just as an aside, it's amusing to read what Mulder says about the famous Thai smile. "An oft-repeated situation is where absolute strangers commit no offense beyond staring without smiling, when one party suddenly picks up his symbol of masculinity (phallus) and riddles the staring person with bullets. He feels as if his presentation has been pierced by the staring of the other...which is threatening and insulting." (p. 51)
Last night I told Noi that I was happy, meaning I was happy she was here. "You happy too much! Why you happy every day!?" She accuses me of smiling too much and creating confusion in the minds of vast numbers of women. "This is Thailand, the Land of Smiles, tilac. I smile at everyone." "You smile too much lady! She think you like and want for business." Glare, glare.
But I think it is best to smile. It may confuse bargirls, if one accepts the girlfriend's bias, but it instantly puts other people at ease - shop girls, waiters, pool competitors, golf caddies, passing associates. It doesn't cost anything, it's good for your mental health, and from what Mulder wrote it appears that what Western scientists say is true here. Happy people live longer.
(To be continued.)
© Pattaya Flyer. All rights reserved by the author.
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March 29, 2008, 12:20
Good advice about smiling but I am not anatomically a natural smiler. In fact, I can barely smile; and it has held me back socially my whole life. My luck. When other mammals bare their teeth it is a sign of hostility and aggression; when humans do it supposedly it is the opposite. Who thought that up and made my life ridiculously complicated? In Thailand I don't smile because I can't. Things seem to work out.