The Dawn of Enlightenment

My wife did a runner a few years ago. It was the usual thing, disagreements over money and how bills should be paid. She wasn’t prepared to compromise, so she moved. Now she has all of her new household’s bills to take care of without my help. And that’s as much as I am prepared to say about her and our disagreements.

I’ve never been one to let grass grow up between my toes, so I have been looking for a suitable replacement for the now absent wife. Where women are concerned, I have my preferences, and I am kind of particular in what I hope to find. Currently, I am in negotiation with a young lady who is attending university studying for her Master’s degree, specialising in English studies. I’m not looking to win this mating game, I’d be happy enough with a tie. So I play the game, and see what the score is at the end of each round.

We talk to one another using an IM program on the internet, and we also talk on the telephone at least twice every week. Every time we communicate, I am reminded of just how good her English skills are, especially for a girl from deep in the wilds of Isaan.

Of course, her English is not perfect, and that is what her current studies are all about; she is an English teacher, and she is studying to improve her English skills so that she will be better at her job. And of course, the higher degree commands a higher salary.

And it so happened that on Saturday 22^nd January 2011, she came online, and after a few exchanges, she announced that she had some homework to do, and she wondered whether I would be prepared to help her with the said homework. “Of course!” said I, quickly adding the disclaimer “if I can”.

She explained that she needs to do a 2,000-word essay that she will be required to deliver as a speech, and the subject is “My Life” – meaning her life. Now have a think about that. How many words can you write about yourself at the age of 26 years, and not have too many words left over. You are expected to start with the words “I was born on [insert the date] in [the village/town/city name]...” and carry on from there. This young lady had already put together about 600 words, and had run out of ideas.

Well, she has already told me a lot of the details of her life, so I got to work. I added what I knew and she had missed, asked her a few relevant questions about herself, and finally made up a few things that seemed like a good idea at the time. She took an overnight break, and on Sunday evening we continued the exercise in education. That got it up to more than 1,700 words, and at that point we decided that enough was enough. Her life story would have to be complete at 1,700 words, damn the other 300.

Then there was the other essay. The one about “personal view of culture”.

Now, I’m not all that dumb. Now that I have written that bald statement, I’ve had a further think about just how thick I could be rated, and I really don’t think that I would score too badly on a scale of 1 to 10. Call me somewhere above 5, and I won’t argue.

However, it took a hell of a lot of back-and-forth between us for me to understand approximately what this second essay was supposed to be about. She had done her best, but felt that it needed “polishing” before it was ready to be handed back to her lecturer or tutor or whoever does the grading.

So she e-mailed it to me, and I started reading. What follows is the text after I have corrected the spelling, grammar, syntax, etc., etc. Also, some of it had been written as if the non-Thai was the narrator [probably a cut-and-paste from another review written by a non-Thai], so I sorted that out as well. The biggest “adjustment” that I made was substituting “marital infidelity” for her expression, “screwing around”. However, overall, there was very little that needed correction, and the meaning within the essay is all there and it is all hers. And this is how it read in its final form:

Personal view of culture

This is a very interesting article and one in which many of his observations are absolutely spot on. Where I find the article less accurate is explaining why the Thais act as they do - he rather takes the view that the western way is correct and that Thai culture is simply misguided in its outlook. I think if you dig a little deeper, you can better understand why Thais think and act as they do.

1. The Thai way.

Thais place the family unit above all else. Any individual, including yourself, is placed below the family unit. A Thai is brought up to believe that the order goes like the family, themselves, their children, their parents, their husband and extended family and then their friends. This cultural tradition is born out of necessity. Thai families are generally very poor. They need to become richer to survive. Thais are taught to help their family when they are young so that the family survives and with the express knowledge that if they as an individual fall on hard times (or grow old and frail), then the family will look after them.

2. The western way.

In western culture the individual is placed above all else. The most important relationship they are expected to have is with their spouses, so their order goes like this. The individual, the spouse, the kids, the friends, then the parents and perhaps then, the extended family, acquaintances and business colleagues. Their families are rich and they are brought up to believe in independence from their families. How many westerners live with their parents after the age of 21? Parents do not wish to depend on their children when they get old - they look for independence too.

Once you understand this, the different attitudes and actions of both Farangs and Thais begin to make a lot more sense.

Take love for instance.

Thais do not hold a romantic view of love. They consider a potential husband as someone who they can get along well with but principally as an ideal partner to bring up their children and provide support for the enlarged family as a whole. They do not consider marital fidelity to be that important so long as the husband remains faithful to the family unit, which encompasses the wife, children and the extended family.

The husband is expected to support the parents and the extended family. If he doesn't or is reluctant to do so, they simply do not understand. Why would their daughter marry someone who is rich if he is not prepared to help out the 'family unit'? When you marry a Thai, you are marrying not the girl but her whole family.

Westerners generally hold a 'romantic' view of love. That the wife is a soulmate and best friend irrespective of looks or wealth. That this love forms an ideal family unit and that the children are an expression of that love. Westerners find it very hard to understand the constant demands to help and support the wider family after they are married because the concept is not part of their culture.

Look at the ways Thais act in business. Remember everything is subservient to holding the family unit together and enriching the family unit - everything else is expendable including the truth. The concept of truth does not extend past the immediate family and even the truth is expendable if it helps to keep the family unit together. Thais view the stock market as a way of selling part of their business, to enrich their family without giving up any control. They see it as enriching themselves and the family unit at the expense of minority shareholders. They do not expect minority shareholders to trust them because they are inherently trying to rip them off.

To a western view of thinking the stock market is supposed to be a mutually beneficial arrangement. Minority shareholders invest in you in the belief that you will build value in the company and that that value will then be passed back to minority shareholders in the form of dividends or the rise in the stock price.

Thais simply don't understand this concept. They know that the major Thai shareholders are trying to rip them off and so don't understand the concept of investing in their business. They are happy to 'play' shares but they know that it is simply a 'gamble' rather than an investment.

People who have been brought up in the West tend to think their 'culture' is right and our Thai 'culture' is wrong. Westerners place an enormous value on the individual and truth, while we Thais do not. It is best to remember though, that our culture has its root in necessity.

In some respects it is also difficult to see which culture is the most successful. The Thais place the family above everything else and recognize the importance of money in a relationship. As a result Thai marriages are more successful in terms of resulting in less divorces and bringing up children within the extended family unit. Western marriages tend to fall apart over what we consider less important things, such as marital infidelity. Now of course westerners are usually rich enough to afford divorce but it is inherently a selfish act that is done to the detriment of the family as a whole.

For myself I am somewhere in between. I mean I don't really believe in romantic love, I fully appreciate the importance of money or looks in bringing happiness and I feel that the western view of romantic love (irrespective of things like money and looks) is simply a case of westerners lying to themselves. On the other hand I do believe in the value of honesty and of independence from the family. In fact I believe it is difficult to build a lasting friendship (which is ultimately based on understanding) without a foundation of truth and mutual trust.

For society as a whole (rather than me as an individual) I am not sure which works best but I tend to favor Thai 'culture'. It seems to me that western culture simply isn't working. Most marriages are failing and those that stick together are not necessarily happy. Thai 'culture' is immersed in 'family values' something that the West dispensed with some time ago.

Something that I can’t emphasise too strongly is that I did not need to do very much to her document to get it into its current form. For a Thai-born lady, her English is actually better than some of the native English-speakers that I know. Much better.

Now I really don’t know whether this assignment for her university was a stroke of blind good fortune, or whether she wanted to tell me something and used the guise of an assignment to get the message across, but I see it as an education all in itself – for me, that is.

I tend to think that she is telling me, in the nicest possible way, what the rules are if I want to go any further with her. However, any non-Thai considering a relationship or marriage with a Thai woman might learn a thing or two from the pen of this young lady.

One thing that I do know is that this little lady is a really outstanding jewel in the treasure chest that is Thailand. She is as intelligent as can be, and knows how to tell a man something without seeming to be the boss. After this, I am definitely chasing her on a more serious level.