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decreaseWe both came near the window and looked outside. It was a full moon night. We could see the river flowing below mountain, a stream of liquid silver. Every wave was smiling and dancing in joy. Beyond that the brooding mountain range was carrying the shadow of floating clouds. The jungle and rice fields on the slope were checkered with light and shadow. The milky moon light absorbed all the colors of nature, the mountains, jungles everything looked like a faint gray shadow part of a surreal world descended upon earth from an unknown space. The whole nature was in meditation. The silence was so deep that I felt it was slowly entering my soul and freezing all my thoughts. Occasional sound of murmur was the only voice of nature. I could see a faint yellow light on a faraway mountain peak, a Buddhist temple, there might be a lone candle at the base of the altar burning itself in solitude. We sat on the bench facing each other. We both had our fears; fear of opening our hearts, fear of knowing another person, fear of getting hurt again, a fear which was projection of past experiences. Although we came to this remote resort in Chaing-Rai to know each other, we didn’t know from where to start, so silence was the only communication.
She asked me, “How many times you came to
I was hesitant. Should I take the risk of telling the truth? For a moment fear of loosing respect loomed over my mind. But then I thought to myself I have nothing to loose really. I am trying to give my life a fresh start. So let’s start with truth and honesty, even if I loose face I can still hold on to truth and that will eliminate lots of confusion. I took a deep breath and told “Many times. I also went to bar and saw and had relationships with many bar girls but I never felt something like this before. Through my experience I know what is bad so now I can understand what is good, pure.”
She was quite for a moment, might be reflecting upon what I had said. A nearby tree was casting a shadow on us, wavering in wind. I saw her long black hair shining even in the darkness of the room. A deep desire to touch her hair welled up. A spontaneous comment arose out of me “You have long nice hair. I really like long hair.”
She whispered with a gentle smile “Yes I have long hair. My son often plays with it. We are very happy together, but now I need a man. A man, who can make our life warm, can be my husband and father of my son who can complete the circle of our life.”
Suddenly time stopped; was there any thought in my mind searching for a decision? I had a choice to wait and let the moment pass by or I could be reborn again in a new relationship with a new life. I thought to myself with everyday passing by I am getting closer to death by one more day. So let my past dissolve into nothingness. Let me reborn again from this moment of love. I gently hold her hand. I could feel the roughness in her palm result of a grindingly hard life in an Issan family. Suddenly I shivered. I felt a wave of energy was pulsating within me, an energy which we call passion or may be love. I told her “I found my family far from my home and all by myself.” Then I kissed her hand.
I felt she was melting down. It was not the moon light but the whole room was filled with her smile. A very soft voice whispered like a dream “I feel very warm now. I hope I can see sunshine after storm. I suffer too much after my ex-husband died. I was pregnant and nobody was close to me. Sometime I cried in front of my students in the class. But first time when I heard my son’s voice after his birth, I felt that I must now be responsible for him. He gave me a purpose for my life. With pure mind I passed that time. Now I am ready for a new relationship” Her eyes were full of tears. I could see my reflection in that.
I told her “I love you.”
She looked at my eyes and asked “Can my son call you Pa? He never got the touch of his father. I pity him too much.”
The baby was sleeping on the bed. His eyes were closed unaware of us and those moments which were defining part of his life. I could hear the sound of his breath, very slow and deep. I tenderly put my hand on his head. He was like a ball of clay; we could make what ever we want out of it. I felt my heart is full of compassion, in Pali they call Karuna.
I nodded my head and told her, “Yes, you can teach him to call me Pa. We three can make one happy family.” I paused for a moment to evaluate what I had done. How big was the commitment? But I realized now there is no turning back. A father had been born already and there were many witness to that; the flowing river, the full moon night and meditative mountains. Let it wash away everything that I had. Let its flow define our path of life full of compassion and love. She pulled my hand with an indication to follow her. Then with a very intimate voice she told me, “It is almost morning. We must sleep for some time before he gets up.”
The picture outside the window was gradually disappearing under the veil of mist. It was a great conspiracy of nature to leave three of us alone trapped amidst the thick white obscurity. A silence engulfed the whole universe, only the occasional sound of barking from the nearby hill tribe village was the only indication of life. Suddenly the sound of a gong peered through the window announcing the end of night. The cool breeze of early dawn flowed from the river. I suddenly felt something new just happened in this world; a relationship is born.
© Victor. All rights reserved by the author.
Anyone wishing to contact Victor can do so here at these addresses: victor_kasparov@yahoo.com
VictorKasparov@gmail.com
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