The Monger’s Guide to Philosophy, No. 4

DESCARTES: Cogito ergo sum
JIM: Pardon me?
DESCARTES: Je pense…
JIM: Parlez-vous Anglais?
DESCARTES: Mais oui…what I was saying was – ‘I think, therefore I am’.
JIM: And?
DESCARTES: That’s my philosophy.
JIM: That’s it?
DESCARTES: Well, that’s the basis of it. What do you think to it?
JIM: I try not to think because – well, put it like this – I think, therefore I am not.
DESCARTES: (puzzled) what do you mean?
JIM: Well, I think about the mortgage, and the overdraft, and the wife nagging, and the kids saying, “It’s my life!”, and the TV licence fee, and putting the bin out on the right day so I don’t get a £1000 fine, and…
DESCARTES: Well how do you know that you exist?
JIM: Sometimes I wish I didn’t – but, like John Cleese said – I’m stuck with it (or maybe not, now that the government has all but legalised euthanasia).
DESCARTES: Isn’t there anything that gives you a sense of being?
JIM: Well er…promise you won’t tell.
DESCARTES: Mais oui.
JIM: Well sometimes I nip off to Thailand to – how shall I put it – consort with a bargirl or two.
DESCARTES: Two?
JIM: It’s an English expression – it means, ‘a few’ – but, now that you come to mention it, I have taken two girls at a time.
DESCARTES: Two!
JIM: (sheepishly) Yes, and three – once.
DESCARTES: Only once?
JIM: Well the bed wasn’t big enough, and they made me sleep on the floor, so I didn’t bother again – though nowadays I usually stick to just one – my girlfriend, Pat. She has a friend, called Pong, who’s looking for a farang. She’d like to meet you, René.
DESCARTES: (interested) Really?
JIM: Yes, I know what she’d say about you!
DESCARTES: What?
JIM: “Your friend, René – him think too mutt”.
DESCARTES: Why, what would she rather do?
JIM: Fait amour – sorry, that’s not good French – but it sounds rude if I use the Anglo-Saxon expression, and I want our interview to go on the front page of Thailandstories.
DESCARTES: “Fait l’amour”, Jim, don’t forget that French uses the definite article more frequently than English.
JIM: Yes – I remember my French teacher banging on about that.
DESCARTES: And what about you, Jim, do you like to fait l’amour?
JIM: It’s the best thing – when I’m there in Thailand f…faiting l’amour with Pat, I feel like a king – all my troubles vanish, and I get a rush that’s better than any illegal substance. I feel truly alive, that I exist as a person in my own right and not as a servant to other people’s needs – in other words, René, I feel that…I am.
DESCARTES: Mmmm, I’ll have to think about that…can you hang on for a minute, Jim? Here’s a book of erotic engravings to help you while away the time.
JIM: No problem, René.
DESCARTES: (five hours later) Maybe you’re right. I’d like to meet Mademoiselle Pong, and perhaps then I’ll revise my philosophy to…
JIM: To what, René?
DESCARTES: I f…fait l’amour therefore I am.
JIM: Merci beaucoup, René, that’s a good philosophy for a Thailand monger.

© Bangkok Byron, 2011. All rights reserved by the author.