The Replacement

As it happened, I had been without a mia noi or even a regular gik for quite a while. Since the lovely Em had dumped me for a better prospect, I had not been taking much interest in the ladies. I still popped along to Soi Cowboy once a week or so and occasionally showed my face around Nana but I hadn’t paid a barfine in months and was usually home by midnight. I wasn’t exactly bored with it all but maybe I had just become a little fussy. It wasn’t that I missed Em all that much. She was a damned good shag no question but there wasn’t much going on in that pretty little head of hers. All she ever thought about was money and make-up. I could live without her, no problem.

It seemed natural though that whenever I went out, I would always keep half an eye open for a replacement ‘Em’. It was just that I hadn’t been much impressed with what was on offer recently. I found it easy to dismiss any potential candidates for being too fat, too short, too loud, having too many tattoos or wearing too much make-up. Hell, some of these girls had faces like dented dustbins. I wondered how some of them could ever make a living as a bargirl with looks like that. But then again, I guess for every ugly bargirl, there is an even uglier farang ready to pay for the privilege. On balance, I was just glad I still had standards.

One night when I had my drinking head on, I got talking to Joy. It still makes me smile when one of these lovelies jumps into my lap and says “Hello darling, I’m Joy”. Every time I meet a Joy, the words ‘but of course you are my dear’ go through my mind. I stopped actually saying them out loud years ago. I quite liked the look of this particular Joy but I soon found a reason to dismiss her too. I asked her if she had any children, just by way of conversation.

“Yes, two girls” she proudly proclaimed.

“How old are they?” I enquired.

“Nineteen and fourteen” Joy announced.

“Nineteen?” says I “What! Did you have her when you were six?” I teased to flatter. But that was my cue to hit the reject button. Despite her youthful looks and very nice legs, this Joy was just too old for me and with two daughters of that age, the maintainance costs would likely prove prohibitive too.

There had been many such encounters over the previous few months but each time, after a bit of flirtatious banter, for one reason or another I had abandoned one prospect after another on grounds too varied to mention. I was beginning to think that maybe Em couldn’t be replaced after all and maybe it would be better to abandon my quest and resign myself to a life of monogamy once and for all.

But the plain fact is that there are just too many available young women in Thailand to ignore. They are everywhere and for me, a bit like a Chinese meal, one is never quite enough.

I suppose looking for a new mia noi in Thailand is a bit like fishing. You can’t force the fish to take your bait. You can just hang your tackle out there and hope something tasty comes along. At the same time you hope you don’t accidently snag a barracuda.

So, metaphorically speaking that is what I was doing when I took a trawl down Soi 33 a few weeks ago. Presently, my progress was blocked by a very sexy young woman who invited me into her bar for a drink. As is often the case along Soi 33 these days, the staff at Da’s bar far outnumbered the customers and she was glad to keep me to herself so she could extort a ladydrink or two and maybe even a small tip. I was happy to play along because although not in the first flush of youth, Da was indeed a pretty one and very much in the ‘Em’ mould. I immediately started sizing up her qualities and very nice they looked too. Could this be my replacement ‘Em’ I wondered.

The bar I found myself in was fairly new and very nicely appointed. It struck me that it was a great pity that there were not more customers. Despite the obvious investment, I wondered if the place had a future. My gaze returned to Da who also seemed to be quite nicely appointed and questions came into my head about plans for her future too.

We had had a bit of a flirt and a couple of drinks then Da jumped up and said,

“Play pool, mai?”

I looked around. There was no pool table in evidence. I wondered if this might be Da’s prelude to suggesting that I barfine her and take her to a pool bar. Not that I would have objected but barfines on Soi 33 usually start around 1,500 baht a pop so it pays to agree that your plans are compatible before splashing out up there. But no, Da went on to tell me that they had a pool table upstairs. I agreed to play with her.

I should make something clear at this point and that is that I am one damned good pool player. In the Soi 4 bars I usually play for as long as I please and quit without losing a game. It is not often I am beaten either by the bar girls or by other punters. I could be a hustler but I am basically an honest man and I usually only play for fun.

Da, of course had no idea what she was taking on as she led me up the stairs to a secluded pool room.

 Once inside, she leaned across the pool table and challenged me cheekily,

“OK Khun Hin, what shall we play for?”

I thought for a moment before answering. A free barfine? A hundred baht? A drink? No.

“Underwear” I said.

Da raised her eyebrows.

I clarified the bet, “If I win, you give me your underwear.”

“Ok” she said unfazed, “But if I win, you give me your shirt.”

We shook hands and played.

It goes without saying that I was never going to lose my shirt to a Soi 33 hostess over a game of pool but I made the game appear competitive and when Da eventually lost she, without a word of protest unclipped her bra, stepped out of her knickers and handed me my winnings. She still had her evening gown on of course but it was the thought that counted.

I must admit that I was mildly taken aback by this uncharacteristic display of sportsmanship. It’s not the kind of thing one usually expects from a Thai. But I put her shreddies in my pocket anyway. After all a bet’s a bet. Da blushed a little and suggested we play again. I wondered what else she had to lose.

We played a bit more for fun and I eventually paid the bar for her company.

She seems to quite like me and she has now quit her job on Soi 33. I guess she is now my new mia noi and she seems to be quite happy with the arrangements. So am I. It’s nice to have someone other than the dog look pleased to see you when you come back late and drunk.  

These things aren’t meant to last forever but I haven’t found a reason not to like this one yet.

Union Hill