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decreaseLes and Geoff had been friends for thirty years; they had lived in the same area, their wives had been close and they shared similar interests. Drinking, music and more drinking.
When Les’s marriage broke up he moved to Thailand, slept around for a while then, as many farangs do, cut a suitable partner out of the herd and settled down with her in a provincial village. Sometimes Les felt as though he had been the one cut out of the herd but had no complaints.
He remained in touch with Geoff and his wife and they had a standing invitation to visit in Thailand. A few years went by and Les thought it would never be picked up. He had a run of poor health and gave up drinking and, feeling so much better for it, he made the break permanent. Then one day on a trip to his former home he called into see Geoff and received the surprising news that he would be accompanying Les back to Thailand.
Les was a bit surprised when Geoff booked his flights for a five week stay but they had been good friends in the past and he assumed there wouldn’t be a problem.
But there were several, not the least of which was that Geoff commenced drinking at ten in the morning, was drunk by two and had to be assisted to bed most days by seven in the evening.
But even this paled into relative insignificance when Les realized that Geoff liked to add to the enjoyment of conversations with Thai members of the opposite sex by holding onto them while he spoke.
This was not in a bar type situation but involved the women of Les’s household; his wife, the maid and sundry nieces and sisters in law.
Quickly he took Geoff aside and explained that while in Western countries a little non-sexual contact with the opposite sex was acceptable, it could lead to serious misunderstandings in rural Thailand. His guest appeared honestly horrified, and then contrite and assured Les it was completely innocent and most of the time he never realized he was doing it. However it made no difference to his behavior and it continued unbridled.
To add ludicrousness to the scene, Geoff spoke no Thai and most of his victims no English, but he assured Les that if he persevered, (along with the groping), they eventually understood what he was saying. Les’s wife was no stranger to bizarre farang behavior, while he preferred to think she hadn’t actually been a bargirl, she had been married to a Dutch bar owner and had lived in Europe for a number of years. She refused to comment on the situation and deliberately avoided Geoff in confined spaces.
The maid however was a different story, an attractive mature woman, she had spent little time away from her village and was totally at a loss at how to deal with physical contact with a man not her husband. To make matters worse, her marriage was in trouble. The husband, also Les’s brother in law, had taken a younger woman as mia noi or minor wife which she had accepted in bad grace, but the damage was compounded by him intercepting a wrong number on her new phone, that she had saved many months for, and drawing the conclusion that she was daring to be unfaithful to him.
So Geoff came in time to add a little spice to this unhappy cauldron, and despite Les pointing out that any Thai man appearing before a court accused of murdering his wife and her suspected lover would get a sympathetic reception his behavior continued. (“I’m only being friendly!”)
Then much to his amazement the maid, Wan, appeared to not only eventually accept the friendly fondling, but to welcome it. After her work was finished she would sit out on the back porch, Geoff’s favorite drinking spot, and take a glass or two of beer with him, sometimes to excess, while he patted her on the knee and told her how the Brisbane Lions were a certainty for the flag that season. She would prattle back in Thai and both were content to be able to talk without benefit of any listener input.
Finally, Les formulated an idea. He and his German neighbour took Geoff into the nearby city one night and they had a meal at a local restaurant where it was casually suggested they adjourn to a popular karaoke lounge for a nightcap. Les’s evil plan was that one of the songstresses would seduce Geoff and he would lose interest in the local talent.
Nothing could have been further from the truth; Geoff not only refused conversation with the ladies and edged away when one attempted to sit next to him he actually barely touched his drink!
Genuinely concerned the karaoke girls inquired as to whether he would prefer the company of one of the boy singers, and when Geoff realized that the mischievous German was agreeing that this would be a good idea he was deeply offended and insisted on leaving.
The five weeks dragged on and Les looked forward to his friend’s holiday coming to an end. A small issue remained unresolved though, Geoff had met a Thai girl at the airport and she had given him her name and the address of the coffee shop she worked in. Les had taken him there several times but the manager had always said she wasn’t in that day.
Finally they called in late one afternoon and there she was. As quick as a striking cobra Geoff had her by the arm and as he drew her towards him he said,
“My, you have a good job; you’re never here when we call in”.
She smiled sweetly and replied…
“No, no, I work what hours I like, I own the shop with my husband behind the counter there”.
He released her as though she had become red hot and leapt back so quickly he knocked over several chairs and a pot plant.
Banjo
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