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increase
decreaseBangkok Don Juan
Book the Second
Canto the Third
Hong-Nam
I
Jim felt much better for a girl-free night
And very reassured by meeting Dan;
And confident that things would go all right;
Especially if he hammered out a plan
And followed it, and kept his goal in sight,
Learning from his mistakes like a wise man,
Instead of just repeating things that did he at
That bar on Monday like a drunken idiot.
II
Remembering Dan’s advice, he thought, “I think
A list of rules would help to focus me:-
· Alcohol – it’s hard, but just one drink!
· Look for a friendly personality;
· Avoid the girls who think their sh*t don’t stink;
· Try to find that special ‘chemistry’;
· Above all – that Viagra pill – don’t drop it;
· And at the right time don’t forget to pop it!”
II
Now for the toilet (in the French sense, I mean -
I’m not describing Jim taking a crap!):
He took a shower, scrubbed his buttocks clean,
(He knew Thai girls can’t stand a smelly chap)
Cleaned his false teeth, gargled with Listerine,
And rinsed his mouth with water from the tap.
(A bad mistake) and then he went to try on
His clothes and press them with his travel iron.
III
Then off to Walking Street where he said, “Hiya.”
To another guy he met in H _ _ _ _ bar.
“Where are you from?” The guy replied, “From Straya.”
“I’ve never heard of that place. Is it far?”
“AUSTRALIA!” “Sorry! What’s your name?” “It’s Gaya.”
“You’re gay? I’m not, but I don’t mind you are.”
“GARY!” “Sorry, your accent is unclear
And probably not helped by all that beer.”
IV
Now you don’t say that to a guy from Oz,
Especially when he’s had a drink or three,
But our Jim got away with it because
A girl appeared and sat on Gary’s knee,
And Gary groped her with his dirty paws.
Jim looked around to see if he could see
A girl he fancied, now he was forgotten;
Good ’uns he saw, but not a really hot ’un.
V
He thought he’d try Soi 8 and S _ _ _ _ _ S _ _ _ _ :
(A change from Walking Street – a change in luck?)
He liked the bar – the blue neon guitar
That on the wall outside the bar was stuck.
He liked the girls, for most were above par,
And hoped he’d a friendly one to f...flirt with.
He found one soon. They talked, fondled and kissed,
And then he checked her off against his list:-
VI
A friendly personality? – You bet!
Bad attitude? No, quite the contrary:
Jum was a sweetie, wan as you can get!
What’s more, he felt that special chemistry
That makes a guy get hard, a girl get wet.
She’d passed the test; survived the third degree –
All that remained, his checklist to fulfil,
Was, go to the hong-nam and pop that pill.
VII
He didn’t really need it but he took it,
So worried was he after Monday night.
In fact, he was scared stiff – he didn’t look it –
But all his hopes were founded on tonight:
Get back his manhood, stroke her cu...curves and f...fornicate with her,
And everything, at last, would be all right.
Then down below he felt a movement jerking –
Perhaps Viagra was already working.
VIII
And so he rushed her back to the hotel
And pushed her in the shower to get things started.
She wasn’t long, and things were going well,
When just before Jim pushed it in, he farted!
His bowels moved, he made a putrid smell:
’Twas diarrhoea – Jim was broken hearted!
What an evening – what a way to spoil it –
Rock hard, but rocking on a stinking toilet!
IX
Jum just laughed – her father was a farmer,
And so she wasn’t phased by piles of poo.
She guessed he’d drunk something that wouldn’t harm her –
Probably water (where many microbes grew).
She told Jim not to worry and be calmer,
Because she knew exactly what to do
About his diarrhoea and the odium,
And went out to the Chemist’s for Immodium.
X
By morning Jim was feeling rather better;
By afternoon he was feeling on top
Of the world – the perfect time to pet her –
And so they did the horizontal hop;
And she was wonderful – wilder and wetter
Than any other – he didn’t want to stop!
’Twas only later on after he’d shagged her,
He realised he’d done without Viagra!
XI
Thinking it over made him realise
The difference was in her attitude –
Jum seemed to like him – so ’twas no surprise
He didn’t need a pill. Jum, in the nude,
Was quite enough to make his manhood rise,
Unlike girls who mechanically screwed.
At last he’d found (with a little inconvenience),
The GFE (which means ‘girlfriend experience’).
XII
And so he planned to see her the next day,
The next day, and the next day, and the next.
They spent the time in an unvaried way –
On sex and sex and sex and sex and sex;
A very Kama Sutra of love play,
Doing things he’d never dreamed of with his ex.
Of course, where bodies fit like hand and glove
So do our hearts – our couple fell in love.
© Bangkok Byron, 2007. All rights reserved by the author.
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