Western Women

I

Before I married, when I was still young,
I enjoyed great success with western women.
Like beads on a necklace my conquests were strung;
It seemed as though in pussy I was swimming.
But like so many other men I flung
It all away, my aspirations trimming
To just one woman whom I went and married –
And from that day my sex life was unvaried.

II

My days of love were over; me no more
The charms of maid, wife, and still less the widow,
Could make the fool of which they made before –
In short, I could not lead the life I did do;
The credulous hope of mutual minds was o’er,
The copious use of alcohol was forbid too:
There was so little left that could arouse
I might as well have taken a monk’s vows.

III

My daily life became just like a wheel
Like those you see within a hamster’s cage:
Nobody seemed to care how I might feel
As long as I produced the weekly wage
And did my household chores – it was surreal –
I was more like a servant or a page.
I did my best – but my reward? Of course,
My unappreciative wife filed for divorce.


IV

Back in the dating game I got a shock,
As though I’d been asleep a hundred years,
Awaking like Van Winkle to a flock
Of harridan replacements for the dears
I knew before. These foul-mouthed women mock
Any man of my age who appears
Before them with the words (I’m at a loss a
Girl could say this): ‘Get lost, you old tosser!’

V

Where were the truly feminine ones gone?
The ones with slender waists and pretty dresses,
Well-spoken and well-mannered? Just for one
I’d sacrifice the lot of these ogresses,
With midriffs sagging from jeans just squeezed on,
Who think swearing and binge-drinking impresses -
And also binge-eating – it’s a mind-bender
To think a whale beside them would look slender!

VI

Sour grapes! I hear you say, and just because
You couldn’t get a shag – and look at you,
You are no oil painting! Yes, of course,
I am a little portly, balding too,
And lacking self-esteem post my divorce,
But I’m well-groomed, well-mannered, and I do
Everything I can to look my best,
But I can’t get a woman in the West!

VII

I did my best, I tried computer dating
But women want so much, it did appear;
Many of their profiles clearly stating,
Only men with looks like Richard Gere,
Only finances like Bill Gates’ were rating,
And qualities like Hopkins (so sincere);
But worse – at over fifty, I’ve no chance –
These women want a toy-boy for romance!

VIII

Then one day, while at work, the boss got chatty
And told me things I didn’t realise
About his marriage. ‘Guys like us are batty
To put up with all that! We should get wise;
We can do better than a foul-mouthed fatty –
Do what we do at work – and globalize!’
And that is why I gave up on this island
And found what I was looking for in Thailand!


© Rob 2008

NEXT WEEK, the counterpart to this poem: ‘Ten Reasons to get a Thai Teerak’