How The Earth Was Saved

When the flying saucer landed at Don Maung Airport the current Thai Prime minister was even too astounded to ring the former Prime minister at his Swiss lodge to ask what action to take. Unfortunately there was a chartered 737 full of journalists and cameramen arriving at the same time and as one man, or woman, they ignored the waiting buses and headed for the Air Force golf course, positioned between two runways, where it had landed near the fourth hole. Afterwards, try as they may, they could not find a reliable witness who had actually seen it land; an elderly green keeper, notorious for his lao khau intake, claimed to have witnessed the whole thing but his observations of flying saucers and ghosts were legendary anyway. The forces of the world press, forgetting their impending mass assault on sex tourists and bargirls, a mission caused by the son of the current UN Secretary General being cleaned out for several million by a Nana Plaza bargirl who could suck start a jumbo jet, moved on to speak wisely and profoundly on the subject of the world finally greeting the arrival of an alien race.

Fortunately for the serious press they arrived before there was any sign of life from the space craft and dismissing the tabloid scribblers, (world newspaper ownership had come down to two related families by this stage), settled down to speak wisely and profoundly on the subject of the world finally greeting the arrival of an alien race.

The politicians of the world powers turned their eyes away from the Middle East and South America, where powerful deeds were being carried out to ensure that the Earth’s remaining fossil fuels would remain in the correct hands, and pondered the new arrivals on the scene. Red phones ran hot and without exception they asked each other the obvious questions, what would these beings want, how could they be used and manipulated? What technology would be made available? What if they were communists, blacks or atheists? Without exception they told their peers to remain calm, stay at home and see what happened and headed for the presidential/royal/ prime-ministerial jet.
First up best dressed.

The President of the United States watched as his staff commandeered the entire Airport Hotel at several hundred times the going room rate, sneering at the evicted tourists and heads of state of several minor countries; including the prime minister of the UK who had taken advantage of a telephone call from the former owner of Chelsea Football Club, now resident in Pattaya, to arrive before him.

Now true leadership would be shown. On his seventh term as president, the Supreme Court judges having obligingly changed the constitution on the grounds that no one better was available, he regretted that the accidental death of his brother, shot while hunting with the Vice President, had left the ongoing burden of leadership on his shoulders. Dad had passed on to his reward (No! not another hunting accident with the VP if you don’t mind) and one by one his mentors had moved on to lucrative CEO positions. One almost suspected they were glad to get away from him.

They waited for eight days, then as the world watched opened mouthed, a door- invisible from the outside slid noiselessly downwards revealing a flight of steps that precisely touched the fairway. It was a large craft, taking up most of the fourth green and half of the fairway and the Thai Army was poised to make sure that no major force would alight to take over the world. Actually their generals were poised to make sure that if there were any pickings that they wouldn’t miss out; but the self appointed world leader believed they were there for his personal protection, along with that of the Thai Prime Minister who’s absence, due to a bad head ache that had lasted a week, annoyed him considerably.

A short stout figure appeared in the doorway, kneeling on the step and bowing to the multitude. A thousand cameras zoomed in revealing a newly arrived illegal immigrant who strongly resembled a cross between a popular fluffy Star Wars’ figure and the tiger from Winnie the Pooh. Elegantly striped and bristling with good will- the charmed President could not resist a welcoming bow in return then to the lurking security men’s horror, the Garp, as they were later called, bounded down the stairs and enveloped the world leader in a furry hug. World wide, wars ceased and religious differences halted as billions waited to see the outcome of this historic meeting. The jovial president waved aside his aides, a decision of his own at last, and made his carefully prepared speech of welcome. The Garp, soon joined by several dozen others, exhibited no personally audible means of communication, instead every electronic instrument within several hundred metres informed the agog crowds that the Garp were a homeless people driven from a dying planet and had dedicated their future to making sure that no other races in the galaxy died out from the errors they had made. Worried glances were exchanged in high places at this revelation I can tell you. Alien Greenies?

The miraculously recovered Thai Prime minister appeared on the scene, confident that any danger was over he narrowly avoided being shot by the frazzled Presidential security personnel; his own aides and bodyguards being on their cell phones to their teenage girlfriends (mia noi, one of Thailand’s more civilised habits) answering calls demanding to know what was going on. The Garp were the guests of Thailand he said; as were the world leaders he announced looking pointedly at the assembled eminent persons. And a major Bangkok hotel was being cleared and secured for their accommodation. The aliens politely declined saying they would stay in their spacecraft; various eating and toiletry requirements would be difficult to duplicate at short notice. Leaving the stunned Earthlings they backed through the door and it closed behind them.

Popular opinion in Earth’s leader ship circles was divided between storming the ship, which looked impregnable- a theory supported by an accidental brush of the door with a thermic lance, and waiting to see what eventuated. The Thai PM pleased to hear that every available hotel bed in town was sold at several times the going rate made an executive decision and ordered the bars closed by nine o’clock and put up the temple entry fee by a hundred percent. The world’s journalists adjourned to hotel bars and colourful street restaurants and, drinking heavily, fell in love with dark eyed girls who claimed to be nightclub cashiers on their evening tea break. Most of them were from Udon Thani.

The Americans had decided that this was too important to be handled by the Thais and the following morning a coup staged by the now dollar millionaire army generals was successful and the out going PM flew to his Swiss lodge confident that his turn would come again. The fluffy ones had entered into a series of meetings (how else is important work done?) with Earth’s backroom people, while the President golfed at Pattaya with a group of generals, and informed them their planet had only several generations left to go. Global warming aside, deep mining had weakened the Earths crust and the next major movement of the tectonic plates would result in the molten core spilling onto the surface. There was no point in bothering Earth’s scientists with this they said, they couldn’t even agree on laughingly obvious questions like creation and evolution, but decisions had to be made. There were more flying saucers in orbit, hidden from human eyes by a means that would soon be made available to them. A million of Earth’s finest would be transferred to a planet in a nearby system. Carefully selected it was a new paradise, similar to Earth prior to the last Ice Age, and with the technology that they would be given Earthlings would soon rise to take their rightful place at the forefront of the Galactic hierarchy.

Stunned, Earth’s leaders conferred in secrecy. Oh happy day that this wasn’t common knowledge. Rabble like workers, small businessmen and farmers would demand to go. Instead, those bred to lead, to run companies and command regiments would be given the opportunity to create a new super race in the absence of trade unionists, agnostics, feminists and other ne’er-do-wells. A deal was done over the next month and it was decided the Earth’s elite:- politicians of all colours and isms, religious leaders of all faiths and creeds, the planets’ business tycoons and every one else who lived off the sweat of the common man, and their families would surreptitiously leave the planet by darkness. The recently inspected living quarters were palatial, views of the disappearing Earth and the solar system would be spectacular, the few years voyage would be spent learning the new technology that would take them to the peak of comfortable living.

Earth’s leaders stood in the control room of the leading ship watching their planet shrink into the distance. The Garp looked at them compassionately, smiling for the first time with razor sharp teeth. “Our race cannot survive,” he said, “without protein containing your type of DNA.”

“We have searched the galaxy for millennium to find planets such as yours, harvesting each one every few thousand years.”

“I imagine that yours will not be so easy to fool next time,” he said regretfully.

© Julian. All rights reserved by the author.