Links
Our banners
Latest News
Newsletter archive
Interviews
Sileakhunt
Book Store

Yech! Beer mouth. Yeah, you know that feeling. You wake up with a mouth drier than a dingo’s dong in a drought, and a ragin’ headache. I looked at me watch. It was 3.30 in the middle of the bloody night. What the hell?

We were on a bus heading for Bangkok. We weren’t sure if the cops had figured out who started the ruckus at that Thai show. But by the time Bluey and me had got back to the hotel I was getting’ a distinctly uncomfortable feelin’, and I always act on them. I didn’t have no evidence, of course, but I figured that it wouldn’t take a bloody genius for the cops to track us down if they wanted to. After all, there were knives being brandished, people getting’ assaulted, and a room full of people getting’ gassed by a particularly aromatic fart. I reckoned there could be some serious repercussions if we stayed around. So I talked to Bluey and he agreed it might be a good idea to hightail it out of Chiang Mai post haste. We’d seen enough of the bloody north anyway.

So we paid off the hotel, packed our bags, and headed for the bus station. It was only about 11 pm, and the hotel clerk told us that we still had time to catch a coach if we hurried. We managed to grab the last one to Bangkok. I was seated next to the aisle as we watched the lights of the city fade into the distance, heading south once more. After a couple of soothin’ beers I soon dropped off.

That’s why I sat up suddenly with beer mouth, tryin’ to figure out what had woken me up. Then I twigged. I’d felt a hand on me right hip. I felt me back pocket where I keep me wallet. That was still there, so the bastard hadn’t been able to get it out of me pocket. He would have had a hard time anyway, because I always put a solid chain me on wallet and attach it to me belt.

I looked at me watch again. Ugh. Still 3.30 am. Who the hell was wakin’ me up at this time of the night? I looked around, but everyone seemed to be asleep. Oh well, time for a beer to fix that lousy taste in me mouth.

I reached into me emergency kit and pulled the tab on a tinnie. Strewth! That felt good. Me head was clearing already. I sat back to ponder the creepin’ arm business. With my luck it was one of them Shims sittin’ up the back supposedly snorin’ like a bloody express train. Alright, let’s just see what turns up, I thought. I finished off me beer and then settled back, pretendin’ to be asleep.

I didn’t have long to wait. A hand came creepin’ around towards me belt again. I grabbed it hard and twisted around in me seat to see who it belonged to. One of the most beautiful shielas I’d ever seen was sittin’ there with a pinched look of pain on ‘er face. But she wasn’t makin’ a sound. I relaxed me grip a bit and whispered, “What do yer think yer up to, love?”

She looked relieved now that I wasn’t hurtin’ her any more, and leaned forward. “I was trying to get your attention so that I could talk to you.”

Jeez! Yer could ‘ave knocked me over with a bloody feather. She spoke perfect English. Things were lookin’ interestin’. But her timin’ was a bit orf. What could be so important that she had to talk to me at this hour of the night?

“So what can I do fer ya, love?”

“My nickname is Nok, real name Wasana. I saw you at the bus station, but you were rushing to get on the bus and I didn’t have a chance to talk to you. I waited until everyone fell asleep. I hope you don’t mind.”

Crikey! Another Nok! There must be a bloody Nok-ing shop knockin’ them out by the hundreds somewhere. Well, I was awake now anyway, so I said, “Hello love. Nice to meet you. Me moniker is Foster. Foster Foskin from Australia. I’m happy you want to talk, but why me?”

“You are very handsome Fosterfoster. My fortune teller told me that today I will meet a very handsome man soon and fall in love with him.”

Strewth! That was a bit of a revelation. Not that I’m adverse ter bein’ loved, but it doesn’t usually happen this fast. Of course, I’ve fallen in lust all the time. But the Love word is a bit more serious.

Lookin’ closely at her I could see me first impression was wrong. She wan’t just beautiful. She was gorgeous. She had long black hair, brown eyes, a flawless skin, and a face and body to die for. If there was a chance to make her prediction come true, who am I to refuse what fate has thrust into me lap, so ter speak?

“Listen, love, I am very happy you want to get to know me. I’d like to know you better too, but for now, please don’t let’s talk about the big ‘L’ word, ok? We don’t know each other yet, and these things tend to take time.”

“She smiled a beautiful smile at me and said, “That is exactly what my fortune teller said you would say. Oh! I am so happy Fosterfoster. I have been waiting all my life to meet you!”

“Here have a beer beautiful Miss Nok, and let’s get to know each other.”

Well, the rest of the trip turned out to be very pleasant and by the time we arrived in Bangkok miss Nok and me were getting quite pally. It turns out she is a law professor at a university in Bangkok. She was heading back to work after visiting her family in Chiang Mai. She was only 26 years old, not too old, and not too young.

I liked her. She was interesting, well educated, and she had traveled around a lot in her late teens with her big sister. She’d even visited Sydney, so we had a lot to talk about. Crikey! I hope I’m not falling in love. I came up here to get away and have some fun after a particularly acrimonious divorce back home. Was I ready for another serious relationship yet? Hmmm, I’ll have ter give this one some serious thought.

Meanwhile, we arrived at the bus station and Nok got off the bus before I had a chance to wake up old Bluey. He’d slept blissfully throughout the whole journey after downing half a dozen tinnies as we left Chiang Mai.

I shook him awake. “Whazzup mate?” he rasped, lookin’ around bleary eyed..

“We’re in Bangers again me old mate. Wakey, wakey, hands off snaky! It’s time to find a hotel and get on with our adventures.”

I didn’t want to tell him about the wondrous Nok just yet until I saw how the wind was blowin’. No sense in upsettin’ him if there was no point. I knew he’d get worried that I might leave him in the lurch if I hooked up with a sheila. He always did whenever I looked like getting’ serious with another one of me conquests. Silly bugger! We’d weathered many female storms together and I had no doubt we’d still be good mates on the day we died.

Reminds me of the two Irishmen, Paddy and Mick. Paddy is lyin’ in bed diein’ when Mick comes in. “Oi, Paddy, tis terrible to see yez lyin’ there so helpless. Is there nothin’ I can be doin’ to ease yer passin’?”

“Sure there is me old and trusted friend.” Paddy croaked. “Down there in the bedside cupboard Oi’ve kept a special bottle of Oirsish Mist fer a special occasion. I can’t drink it now, so would ye be doin’ me a big favor and pour it all over me coffin before they throw on the first sod?”

Mick looks down at him incredulously, amazed at the sacrilegious request. Then he realizes that his best friend is asking him a very special favor on his death bed, so to make him happy he says, “Of course, me old friend. But ye won’t mind if I strain it through me kidneys first will ye?

No fear of that with Bluey. He was true blue. He’d never ask me to waste a drop of booze, even if he needed it to douse a snakebite.

We arrived at our hotel, checked in and I had a quick kip fer a few hours. I needed to catch some sleep after all that talkin’ on the bus. I was beat!

When I woke up I checked Bluey’s room, but he was gone. I took a shower, downed a couple more tinnies, and headed outside to see if I could find him. Of course, before I left the room I poured another tinnie into a hotel glass, just to keep me refreshed. I’m no slob mate. If I have to walk down the street with a beer, I always pour it into a glass. It’s only the polite thing ter do, isn’t it?

It was a beautiful day, and after meeting the beautiful miss Nok last night I was feelin’ particularly chirpy. In fact, truth to tell, I was walkin’ on clouds. She’d given me her mobile phone number, so I thought I’d go and buy a card for me phone. I hadn’t needed it in Thailand up until now, so I started walkin’ down the street lookin’ for a shop that sells phone cards. Suddenly, these two Thai sheilas came burstin’ out of a shop and ran smack bang into me, knockin’ me down. I kept a good grip on the glass and it survived better than me. What was that all about I was thinkin’ to meself from me vantage point down on the bloody pavement, when an orange clad arm reached down and helped me to me feet.

I looked at me rescuer, thinkin’ to thank him. It was the good ol’ Professor. “Strewth!” was all I could manage. Them sheilas had knocked the bloody wind out of me sails.

‘Foreskin!’ he yelled. ‘It’s so good to see a friendly face at last!’

Crikey, the silly bugger got me name wrong again. But I was so glad ter see him alive and well that I gave him a manly hug just as he stepped forward to give me one too. It was an emotional moment. Probably wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t met the beautiful miss Nok, but me guard was down.

As we came together, I felt a bloody great boner stickin’ into me thighs! Did I tell yer he’s a bit shorter than me?

“Careful John mate, you really are pleased to see me, eh? Joined a monastery ‘ave you, but still can’t help chasin’ the sheilas I see?”

He told me he had just escaped from a strange prison where they had dressed him in the yellow robes for a fancy dress party, or somethin’. It was all a bit of a puzzle to me. He went on to tell me that them two sheilas were the cause of his problems and he was chasin’ them down ter try and get some satisfaction; as if that was what he needed at the moment. “You know what they say when you get to our age mate, the three golden rules: never trust a fart, never walk past a toilet, and never waste a stiffy. So, me old mate, where you off to now?”

Well, strewth if he didn’t want to go to a bloody disco. But he couldn’t see too well. He’d lost his contacts, he said, so I told him I’d show him the way. Besides they were sure to have beer on tap, and I was getting’ thirsty again. Bangkok is so hot it’s a drinkin’ man’s nightmare. Yer have ter keep downin’ one after the other just to keep up the liquid levels. That’s my excuse, anyway, and I’m stickin’ to it.

Before we set off the professor handed me a couple of purple notes. “To compensate you for getting knocked down on my behalf.” I was touched. So we started off for the hotel. Poor old John must have been bloody near blind, because he kept stumbling and almost pulled me to the bloody footpath a few times. Maybe he was havin’ trouble walkin all scrunched over tryin’ ter hid that boner of his.

No wonder they call it Amazing Thailand. As we stumbled our way to the hotel, the Thais kept droppin’ money into me glass and Wai’ing John. They must have seen I had a ragin’ thirst on, or maybe it was John’s rampant boner. Anyway, we made it safely to the hotel and found the disco. The place was packed, so I staggered through the crowd, still gettin’ me sea legs after practically carryin’ the professor all the way.

I finally arrived at the bar and snagged the eye of the bartender. I turned around to ask the professor what he wanted to drink, but the silly bugger wasn’t there. I searched through the crowd and spotted him chattin’ up one of them bloody katoeys down the other end of the bar. Strewth! The man is a glutton. What next? Just as well there were no sheep around!

I was just about to go and rescue him when some Thai bloke walked up to him and they had a few words. I don’t know what the bloke said, but the Thais nearby looked horrified. Then the professor followed the Thai bloke outside to the lobby.

This didn’t look good. I followed, just in case the Prof was about to get into more trouble.

Sure enough, I reached him just in time to hear a Thai policeman sayin’ he was arrestin’ John for impersonating a monk. I guess that explained the orange robe. The top cop leaned in to the professor and said, just loud enough for me to hear, “This velly selious charge. You go many years in plison. But if pay fine now for me, and compensation to ladies, then it all over, no plomplam.” Or something like that. His English was a bit hard to understand.

Whew! I was pleased to hear that. I whispered to John, “Everything’s going to be OK me old mate, just slip him a few purple drinkin’ vouchers and we’ll get right back to the party.”

“Thank you for your kind advice Foreskin.” he said. But then the silly bastard drew himself up haughtily and told the police that he would not pay a bribe. He preferred to clear up this misunderstanding, as he put it, in a bloody court. Strewth! Even I wouldn’t be that bloody stupid.

Well, you can imagine what the Thais thought about that, eh? They slapped the cuffs on and led him away. There wasn’t anythin’ I could do. The crowd was cheerin' and clappin’, and they definitely weren’t cheerin’ on me old professor mate.

I couldn’t believe the Prof, though. Even while they were bundling him into the cop car he whispered somethin’ to some bird hangin’ around near the door. I watched her as the car drove off and saw a couple of tears makin’ their way down her cheeks. Yer have to give the man credit where it’s due. Even if he is a bit of a doddering bumbler, he sure exudes the pheromones.

I felt sorry for the poor bugger. There was no way he was getting’ out of trouble without some outside help, and I didn’t see anyone else steppin’ into the breach fer him.

I had to find a shop selling phone cards. I was thinkin’ that Nok’s training in Thai law might help me get the old boy out of this mess he’d got himself into. Besides, I wanted to talk to her. There seemed to be a bit of a gap in me heart that wasn’t there before. Jeez! Was I really startin’ ter fall in love with this shiela already? Better be careful, Fos. Yer know where that can lead.

I found a 7/11 shop and held up me phone to the cashier. She twigged right away and pulled out a bunch of cards. I picked one out and she rang it up on the register. While I was there I spotted a bunch of condoms, extra large, and bought a dozen packs of them too, just in case. I finished off me shoppin’ with a six-pack of ice cold tinnies and ripped the top off one before I even got out the door. I found another bar, sat down, ordered a beer, and slipped the card into the phone. I was ready to make the call. Me hands were shakin’. This was serious.

I took a deep breath, another suck on me beer, and stopped to think what I was goin’ ter say to the luscious Nok.

I dialled up me new friend. “G’day there sweet thing, it’s me.”

“Oh, Fosterfoster, I am so very happy to hear from you!” she gushed down the phone. I couldn’t figure out why she kept sayin’ me name twice, but by now I didn’t really care. It was good to hear her voice again too, so I started talkin’, tellin’ her about me adventures since we’d parted.

I finished me narration and asked, “Do yer think you can come to the police station with me tomorrow to find out what’s happened to the Professor?”

“I would be very happy to see you again and help your friend, Fosterfoster. I will meet you at your hotel lobby tomorrow morning at 10 am. Is that alright?”

Not soon enough for me, but I didn’t want to let on I was too eager, so I said, “Give it another hour love. I need some time to wake up and become human again in the morning. I’ll see you at 11, ok?”

If I could’ve reached down the phone right then I woulda. But she just said she was lookin’ forward to it and we hung up.

The next mornin’ I woke up thinkin’ I would have to try and help the poor old Professor. He was all alone on this one.

After a long shower I got dressed and turned on the TV. The news was on and guess who was the center of attention? Yep, youse guessed it. The Professor was bein’ put into the police car while the newsreader was yabbering on in Thai. I couldn’t understand the words, but I could see this was more serious than I first thought.

I decided to go down to the bank and withdraw a bunch of money. The Professor was goin’ to need as much as I could get me hands on. Luckily, I’d sent over about 500k Baht to get it away from me rapacious ex-wife, so I was in pretty good shape financially.

I figured I could talk the police into forgettin’ about this misunderstandin’ for no more than 150k, so I asked the bank to package up 150k Baht in three bundles. They didn’t look too bulky or obvious like that, and I dropped them into me backpack and walked smartly back ter the hotel.

By 11, I was fair champin’ at the bit, like a thoroughbred waitin’ ter run in the Melbourne Cup. Me hands were shakin’ in anticipation of seein’ Nok again. I’d promised meself I wouldn’t drink anythin’ this morning too. I’d need all me wits about me ter deal with the police, so I couldn’t calm me nerves.

I marched downstairs to the lobby just as Nok was comin’ in the front door. We looked at each other and smiled. I dunno about her, but me heart definitely skipped a few beats. Cripes! What was happenin’ to me?

“Fos! Hey Fos!” a booming voice called out behind me. It was Bluey. He came stridin’ over and I introduced him to Nok. “Listen mate, we’re goin’ out ter do a bit of business. I might be a while today. I’ll meet yer back here later this arvo ok?”

Bluey looked a bit nonplussed, but he just gave me a grin and said, “Yeah mate. Go and have some fun. I reckon I can keep meself occupied ok. I found this beaut place in soi 7/1 last night run by a bloody Frenchman. You gotta go there with me after yer sort out yer business, ok? As soon as you walk in he says in his froggie voice, “Ze girls on ze left take it up ze ass. Ze girls on ze right don’t. You must take two gurrrls. Take yooar peek.” I reckon I’ll do a reprise there while you are away. Catch ya later.” He bounded out the door faster than I’d seen him run since our days in the Army.

Relieved he wasn’t askin’ any questions, I turned and bundled Nok into a taxi before Bluey thought to ask where we were goin’.

By the time we got to the police station we’d worked out a plan of action. I told her I had enough money to cover it if needed, but to try and bargain with the policeman and try to get his price down as much as possible and release John from the holdin’ cells. I didn’t tell her exactly how much money I had. I might be fallin’ in love, but I’m no mug, mate.

We got lucky when we walked in. The top cop I’d seen last night was talkin’ to the desk sergeant, so I asked him if we could have a private talk. He led us into his office and shut the door. I started things off with a few general questions about him first. That got us off to a good start and I was hopeful we could come to an agreement soon. I noticed the cop couldn’t take his eyes off Nok, so me strategy was workin’. Show a man a pretty girl and he’ll immediately start thinkin’ with his little head every time. I was hopeful.

When I told him that Nok was a law professor, they broke out into a babble of rapid fire Thai and before long I could see the cop was lookin’ suitably impressed. He became a bit obsequious, which was fine with me. Yer could almost see the balance of power shift in the air between us.

It turned out that there was considerable noise goin’ on in the press about John runnin’ around in monk’s robes, and now the cop was gettin’ worried because John had disappeared without trace! He couldn’t figure it out. He’d made sure John was in the holdin’ cell in the mornin’. John just mysteriously disappeared after they’d transferred the convicted criminals out to Bang Kwang maximum security prison.

Me ears pricked up at that. Knowin’ me old mate, I thought he was sure to have got on the wrong bloody bus. So I started askin’ the cop a lot of questions about the transfer procedure.

“Were there any other foreigners in the holding cell with John?”

“Yes, one farung katoey, and one drug dealer.”

“Tell me, did the drug dealer look anythin’ like John?”

“Oh no. He have hair and….” Suddenly, he stopped, thought for a moment or two and then jumped up in alarm.

“Aeeyah! We take wrong man to Bang Kwan for sure.” he exclaimed. I asked him to explain. He said, “Drug dealer, he have hair when we bring him here, but when I sign him out go Bang Kwang, he no have hair.”

“Why didn’t you pick up on this at the time?” I asked.

“He farung. You farung all look same-same. Aeeyah! Drug tailor, he switch places with friend you and get out on bail.”

This was starting to look promising. If we could prove they had jailed the wrong man, I could spring John on bail while we sorted things out. I asked the policeman if I could take him to lunch while we discussed what to do. He agreed, so we went up the road to a nice little French restaurant and I bought him a bottle of the best red on the wine list.

“Listen, if we can prove that you sent the wrong bloke to the jail, do yer reckon we could arrange bail for John?”

I pulled out one of the bundles I’d got at the bank and let him have a quick squiz. When he saw the money he immediately become more friendly. “I can help, but you pay me 50,000 Baht, and give 100,000 Baht bail, yes?”

I nodded and assured him that if he could help me free Johnny he would definitely be paid what he wanted.

“One more thing.” he said. “I only agree help you if you help me find drug dealer and put he back in jail. He make me lose much face. I must catch he or no deal.”

I thought about it. Once I got John out of jail we would be in a much stronger position to avoid him goin’ back to prison. Even though I didn’t have a clue where this bloody drug dealer might be I promised the cop I would make every effort to find the arch criminal and bring him to justice.

We finished up a very tasty lunch. Nok was quiet throughout these negotiations. But since the cop and I were on the same wavelength I guess she figured there was no point in gettin’ involved.

Back at the police station the cop made a call to the prison and waited while a fax churned out of his machine. He looked at the face in the fax that I knew so well, and compared it to the picture of the convicted drug dealer. Yep! It was confirmed. The cops had taken the wrong bloke to the jail and let the druggie go.

After some discussion on details I handed over the 50,000 Baht to the cop and we piled into his car to drive out to the prison. It was a long drive out there. We pulled up at the big entry gates and I took a deep breath. Crikey! The place looked bloody forbidding. Poor old John must have been shittin’ himself when he saw these walls.

We drove inside and pulled up at the warden’s office. I looked around. The outer courtyard where we were looked neat and tidy, no doubt the result the work of many convicts. The cop led us into the warden’s office and introduced us. We made some small talk for a while, as they do in Asian countries. Then we started talkin’ business. But before we got too far I asked if the cop wouldn’t mind leavin’ us with the warden, because I had some private business to discuss with him.

The cop didn’t shrugged and asked if I wanted him to wait so he could drive us back down town, but I thanked him profusely and said we’d take a taxi after we got John out of prison. I gave him a deep Wai and thanked him for all his help. He returned the Wai and walked out.

I sat back down and started talkin’ to the warden. I wanted to try and get John out of this problem permanently. I still didn’t know how he had managed ter get into this predicament, but I figured the truth didn’t really matter. I told the warden that the Professor is a very muddled and misguided man who can’t always tell reality from fantasy. He’d been duped into takin’ too much viagra by a couple of chemists intent on fleecin’ the farung, and then he’d ended up at a temple instead of a shop he was lookin’ for. Bein’ the nice bloke he is, I assured the warden, he was much too nice to tell the head monk there was a mistake so he had let the monk induct him into the monkhood.

I assured the warden there was no malicious intent and that John was truly sorry, blah, blah, blah. I hinted that for a one-time payment of, say, 20k Baht, couldn’t we just forget this mix up and let John walk out a free man?

The warden laughed, and said, “You insult me with such a small offer?”

I knew I had the bugger then. From then on it was just a matter of negotiation. Nok sat back and let me handle the negotiations, which dragged on for more than 30 minutes. By the time we had an agreement I had let the warden nudge me up to 100k Baht. He wasn’t going to agree to that until I let me bag ‘accidentally’ slip open on his desk as I leaned forward and he glimpsed the money lyin’ there. His eyes lit up and that clinched the deal. 

A quick call to one of the guards and John was being hauled to the warden’s office. A few minutes later he walked into the room, and his eyes lit up when he spotted me.

“G’day Professor. I’ve got some good news mate. I’ve explained the misunderstandin’ to the warden here and he’s agreed to let the whole thing drop. You are a free man.”

“Oh, I say old chap, that is wonderful news.” he beamed. “Those beastly chaps in the cells were all after me because of my unfortunate priapic condition. I don’t think I could stand another night here.” I didn’t understand what he was talkin’ about at first until I looked down to where he was holdin’ his hands crossed in front of his privates. He had the most amazing boner stickin’ out the front of his shorts. Crikey! How did he do it?.

Anyway, I told him not to worry. All was taken care of and he was a free man. “But where’s yer yellow robes, mate? Don’t yer want to take them with you?” I kidded him.

Without further ado I thanked the warden for his understandin’ and help and we all walked out as fast as our feet could take us. John turned to give me another big hug. I stepped back and said, “Don’t make a habit of that mate. With that bloody perpetual boner you’ve got on there, yer’ll be doin’ some serious damage to me thighs.”

“I can’t thank you enough old chap. If you will accompany me back to the hotel so that I can get cleaned up and changed, I would very much like to buy you both a big dinner at any restaurant you choose. By the way, how did you manage to arrange to rescue me from incarceration?”

“Well, mate, I don’t think I’d better tell yer. But it cost yer one hundred and fifty grand, and I can tell yer that I’m choosin’ the best restaurant at the Oriental Hotel me old mate. I reckon that should be repayment enough.” We all piled into a cab and took off.

The meal was memorable sittin’ at a table next to a huge glass window lookin’ over the Chao Phraya river. John told us about his adventures. We all had a good laugh over how he got that huge boner. The bloody thing still hadn’t subsided, so I told him he’d better not forget his wise words to me and go out and use that perfectly good stiffy. But this time, I told him, I would tag along to make sure he didn’t get into any more trouble.

“Oh no, old chap, that’s not necessary. I have an appointment with the woman of my dreams and I wouldn’t want to put you to any more trouble. Please come to my hotel tomorrow after the bank opens and I will repay your money immediately.”

With that he paid the cheque, got up and walked out in that peculiar gait of his, kinda like a cross between Charlie Chaplin and a fast bowler with a cricket stump up his arse. I smiled as he went, then turned me attention back to me beautiful Nok. She was sittin’ there with a look of wonder on her face. I don’t reckon she’d ever met anyone quite like the Professor before. We settled back with our wine glasses and enjoyed the river view and got to know each other a bit better.

Next, Foster gets into a card game. But who gets fleeced?

© Copyright 2006 by the author, Marc Holt.